Sunday, November 14, 2010
Yet again...
I've proved that I am the failure. Not much else to say there because that pretty much sums it all up.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sometimes we forget
Sometimes we forget that this isn't really about us. We forget that what we do, everything we do is for the betterment and pleasure of our dominant. We get greedy at times when it comes to sex and even something as simple as an orgasm.
I did. My orgasms are controlled by him. M owns them and can give them when he sees fit. I should appreciate that. Here lately, we haven't had opportunities alone. I don't remember the last time we did in all honesty. It's been a while. Instead, he's been generous enough to call or text at different times, randomly. Orgasm on demand can sometimes be a handy thing to have, took us long enough to get it down to a science.
Thing is lately, they've all been at random times and always alone...meaning on my own without him. At first, it was not noticed. It hadn't been for a while but the last few times he's done this "surprise" release, I have found myself feeling bereft. I find myself down and pulling back afterwards. It always feels like a huge piece is missing. So much so that it's gotten to a point that the thought of it being better off if I just not release at all. I have found I cringe to think he may call or text again and command it of me. I will, I always do but I don't want the feeling that follows. Honestly...I don't want to without him.
Yes, I know. It's his enjoyment, it's what he wants and I know that later he will do his own thing. But even then...knowing that does nothing to make me feel better. Really, I try not to think about it because when I do a twinge of jealousy sets in...almost a feeling like why not with me? Why am I being denied?. Thoughts I just shouldn't be having. Why? I should just be happy knowing I've served him. Am I losing touch with my submission? That thought scares me. Am I just being greedy or selfish? I feel shame at admitting that could be a huge part of it. Issue is that sex is still a thought in my head. M does it for me in more ways than one. But right now...because of this...I really don't even want it to be subconscious thought.
Hopefully this will pass...
I did. My orgasms are controlled by him. M owns them and can give them when he sees fit. I should appreciate that. Here lately, we haven't had opportunities alone. I don't remember the last time we did in all honesty. It's been a while. Instead, he's been generous enough to call or text at different times, randomly. Orgasm on demand can sometimes be a handy thing to have, took us long enough to get it down to a science.
Thing is lately, they've all been at random times and always alone...meaning on my own without him. At first, it was not noticed. It hadn't been for a while but the last few times he's done this "surprise" release, I have found myself feeling bereft. I find myself down and pulling back afterwards. It always feels like a huge piece is missing. So much so that it's gotten to a point that the thought of it being better off if I just not release at all. I have found I cringe to think he may call or text again and command it of me. I will, I always do but I don't want the feeling that follows. Honestly...I don't want to without him.
Yes, I know. It's his enjoyment, it's what he wants and I know that later he will do his own thing. But even then...knowing that does nothing to make me feel better. Really, I try not to think about it because when I do a twinge of jealousy sets in...almost a feeling like why not with me? Why am I being denied?. Thoughts I just shouldn't be having. Why? I should just be happy knowing I've served him. Am I losing touch with my submission? That thought scares me. Am I just being greedy or selfish? I feel shame at admitting that could be a huge part of it. Issue is that sex is still a thought in my head. M does it for me in more ways than one. But right now...because of this...I really don't even want it to be subconscious thought.
Hopefully this will pass...
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Relationships
All relationships take work. Whether new, old, down or at the top of its game. A common misconception from those new to the lifestyle is that due to all the rules, protocols and expectations, the relationship is easier. Of course, in some aspects, sure it is easier. We take the time to sit down with one another to discuss the general expectations of each other, what we hope to achieve from the relationship, certain rules on how the house is handled.
In large though, we are no different than the every other day to day couple. Especially when love is a factor. If your relationship, D/s M/s or D/d, is long term and fully committal, Then it's going to be hard. For me personally, I find being a D/s couple sometimes compounds the hard stuff. Not only do we have to maintain us as a couple but we have to find ways to maintain and stay inside the guidelines of our D/s or M/s lifestyle. Not everything can be answered or solved by a whipping or just because the Dom says it's done that way.
In all honesty, I find that often only makes matters worse. If we are having issues on the "vanilla" side, coming out and saying "I'm the Dom, this is the way it is...problem solved" just doesn't cut it. I sometimes find it will make me even more belligerent. Because I don't need a Dom at that moment. I need a Boyfriend, fiance, husband, etc. Or if there is something that has upset or angered me, I have to work extra hard to maintain my submissive side. If I speak my mind as it comes to fruition, then I regret it the moment it leaves my lips because it is rude of me to act in such a manner to M.
Yes, I've been told you should say how you feel. Be open and honest, create a space in which you can both discuss the issues on a level ground. But, if you're human...it doesn't always work out that way. There are going to be times something happens and one reacts out of instinct. Like with any couple, you both have to both be open to the other and try to be understanding.
There does come a time when the D/s or M/s side needs to be put on the back burner so that you can work on the issues as a normal couple without any extra weight. It isn't a matter of failing and there should not be any feelings of guilt. For us all, we need to remember that we are a couple when it all comes down to it. We have to be able to nurture that aspect of things. Another important thing to remember is that you are a D/s or M/s couple. We live a lifestyle that isn't very easy to live in today's society. People do not understand a lot of aspects of it but yet we do it every day, some days with uncanny easy. Some of us are natural submissives and doms and some of us are not. But, we all have to work hard at what we do. If we remember to put the same energy into being a couple as we do into filling those roles, then anything is possible.
As for me and M, we are still working on ours. I am struggling with my own life issues, my submission, a lot of self doubt, insecurity and being apart from him. He is dealing with his own issues with work and such. I have to work a little harder at not pulling back into myself. Another thing I am trying to work on is speaking my mind or saying how I feel without instantly regretting it and feeling as though I am failing at a submissive. I'm incredibly needy at the moment and sadly I am not able to have the contact from him that I need at the moment. But the same goes for him. He doesn't have the answers to make it better, he doesn't have a lot of time to give to me at the moment so...I am sure it isn't easy on him. Hopefully soon we will find common ground and be able to work the issues out. I can say, that it wasn't because he was my dominant that my heart chose him, it was because he does complete me in ways no one else has been able to...and I will be damned if we lose it because "we couldn't find the time" or because "we didn't know how to say it and didn't want to hurt the other's feelings."
In large though, we are no different than the every other day to day couple. Especially when love is a factor. If your relationship, D/s M/s or D/d, is long term and fully committal, Then it's going to be hard. For me personally, I find being a D/s couple sometimes compounds the hard stuff. Not only do we have to maintain us as a couple but we have to find ways to maintain and stay inside the guidelines of our D/s or M/s lifestyle. Not everything can be answered or solved by a whipping or just because the Dom says it's done that way.
In all honesty, I find that often only makes matters worse. If we are having issues on the "vanilla" side, coming out and saying "I'm the Dom, this is the way it is...problem solved" just doesn't cut it. I sometimes find it will make me even more belligerent. Because I don't need a Dom at that moment. I need a Boyfriend, fiance, husband, etc. Or if there is something that has upset or angered me, I have to work extra hard to maintain my submissive side. If I speak my mind as it comes to fruition, then I regret it the moment it leaves my lips because it is rude of me to act in such a manner to M.
Yes, I've been told you should say how you feel. Be open and honest, create a space in which you can both discuss the issues on a level ground. But, if you're human...it doesn't always work out that way. There are going to be times something happens and one reacts out of instinct. Like with any couple, you both have to both be open to the other and try to be understanding.
There does come a time when the D/s or M/s side needs to be put on the back burner so that you can work on the issues as a normal couple without any extra weight. It isn't a matter of failing and there should not be any feelings of guilt. For us all, we need to remember that we are a couple when it all comes down to it. We have to be able to nurture that aspect of things. Another important thing to remember is that you are a D/s or M/s couple. We live a lifestyle that isn't very easy to live in today's society. People do not understand a lot of aspects of it but yet we do it every day, some days with uncanny easy. Some of us are natural submissives and doms and some of us are not. But, we all have to work hard at what we do. If we remember to put the same energy into being a couple as we do into filling those roles, then anything is possible.
As for me and M, we are still working on ours. I am struggling with my own life issues, my submission, a lot of self doubt, insecurity and being apart from him. He is dealing with his own issues with work and such. I have to work a little harder at not pulling back into myself. Another thing I am trying to work on is speaking my mind or saying how I feel without instantly regretting it and feeling as though I am failing at a submissive. I'm incredibly needy at the moment and sadly I am not able to have the contact from him that I need at the moment. But the same goes for him. He doesn't have the answers to make it better, he doesn't have a lot of time to give to me at the moment so...I am sure it isn't easy on him. Hopefully soon we will find common ground and be able to work the issues out. I can say, that it wasn't because he was my dominant that my heart chose him, it was because he does complete me in ways no one else has been able to...and I will be damned if we lose it because "we couldn't find the time" or because "we didn't know how to say it and didn't want to hurt the other's feelings."
Friday, September 10, 2010
What a mess
I've looked back over my last several posts and I see an ugly pattern. All of my posts have been down. I've been down. So I question, what is it and why isn't it ending? Perhaps I only feel inspired to write when I'm down? I dunno really.
Things seem to be piling up and I am not overly sure how to rectify that. It's not that I am always sad. I have had wonderful moments over the last few weeks but it seems that for whatever reason M and I just seem to be on a bad stretch. I'm confident that they will all work out. We will find the cause and eradicate it.
Until then though...I digress. It was an ok week up to a certain point. We fought and now things are just back to being strained. He's busy, I'm on eggshells. I'm working quite hard not to pull back into myself. It's a nasty habit I have when feeling insecure. It's just all rather uncomforable right now.
I know, this is incredibly vague. I am sorry for those reading who do not completely understand. I will probably not be writing for a while. I need to get things back in order, get a grip on myself, my submission and my relationship with M...
Things seem to be piling up and I am not overly sure how to rectify that. It's not that I am always sad. I have had wonderful moments over the last few weeks but it seems that for whatever reason M and I just seem to be on a bad stretch. I'm confident that they will all work out. We will find the cause and eradicate it.
Until then though...I digress. It was an ok week up to a certain point. We fought and now things are just back to being strained. He's busy, I'm on eggshells. I'm working quite hard not to pull back into myself. It's a nasty habit I have when feeling insecure. It's just all rather uncomforable right now.
I know, this is incredibly vague. I am sorry for those reading who do not completely understand. I will probably not be writing for a while. I need to get things back in order, get a grip on myself, my submission and my relationship with M...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Where did the last week go?
Oh, that's right...M had me preoccupied with an experiment of his own. Saturday was my birthday so last week M decided he wanted to try for something. He was incredibly sweet in the fact that I not only received my permanent collar but I was also sent flowers at work. The collar is not traditional in the sense of a collar but it is something I can wear daily to work and outside of our home. It's actually rather unique in the sense that while it's a silver heart, it is quite heavy for a pendent and the latch is spring loaded. I've never seen anything like it but I've got many compliments on it. Simple yet it matches us and our relationship. The flowers was a bouquet of rubrium lilies that filled my office with a wonderful aroma. I was definitely the envy with many of the women hehehe.
But the experiment. Since the beginning of our relationship M and I have worked on orgasm control. After more than a year we've made considerable headway in the area. It took a lot of trust and work but this isn't so much about that. Instead of spankings, He decided I'd have an orgasm for each year. Sounds great right? At first it was and even till the end it was great. As the number rose, so did the fog in my head. I was pushed a lot further in 6 days than he had pushed before. It got to a point where the releases seemed to roll on endlessly. Wearing panties became an issue because of the sensitivity. I somehow managed to keep count but there is a lot about the last week that I just can not really say I remember with clarity. It's just foggy.
Come Saturday night I was riding pretty high...until right after the last one. It was given at the end of the night when M was on his way to bed. I was left sitting up the remainder of the night and honestly, I dropped the minute it was over. There was no slow come down, no call back to reality. He went to bed and brick wall. I'm still feeling that drop. I actually have not had a drop like this in a long while. So long that Sunday my mood was sour and my emotions all over the place. I woke that way and had a hard time placing a name as to why. It actually took until Monday morning to really give a name. That's how foggy and scrambled my mind was.
Sadly, during this time I pulled back and have not really been giving much info to M either. I've found myself snapping at him unreasonably. Not a very good payback for his generosity concerning my birthday I know. All I can say is I'm sorry for that. Not exactly what I wanted, but then I didn't want or expect a drop either.
But...I guess that this week will be cleanup and pushing past that. His birthday is a month away and I need to begin planning. I won't come close to his gift but we'll see...
But the experiment. Since the beginning of our relationship M and I have worked on orgasm control. After more than a year we've made considerable headway in the area. It took a lot of trust and work but this isn't so much about that. Instead of spankings, He decided I'd have an orgasm for each year. Sounds great right? At first it was and even till the end it was great. As the number rose, so did the fog in my head. I was pushed a lot further in 6 days than he had pushed before. It got to a point where the releases seemed to roll on endlessly. Wearing panties became an issue because of the sensitivity. I somehow managed to keep count but there is a lot about the last week that I just can not really say I remember with clarity. It's just foggy.
Come Saturday night I was riding pretty high...until right after the last one. It was given at the end of the night when M was on his way to bed. I was left sitting up the remainder of the night and honestly, I dropped the minute it was over. There was no slow come down, no call back to reality. He went to bed and brick wall. I'm still feeling that drop. I actually have not had a drop like this in a long while. So long that Sunday my mood was sour and my emotions all over the place. I woke that way and had a hard time placing a name as to why. It actually took until Monday morning to really give a name. That's how foggy and scrambled my mind was.
Sadly, during this time I pulled back and have not really been giving much info to M either. I've found myself snapping at him unreasonably. Not a very good payback for his generosity concerning my birthday I know. All I can say is I'm sorry for that. Not exactly what I wanted, but then I didn't want or expect a drop either.
But...I guess that this week will be cleanup and pushing past that. His birthday is a month away and I need to begin planning. I won't come close to his gift but we'll see...
Friday, August 27, 2010
End of another work week
And hopefully the end to the week from hell. This week, starting Saturday, has been hell...emotionally and physically. Physically, as you know I've been battling a cold. I am finally getting to a point where I feel somewhat human again. I still have a little cough and occassionally it's like I hack up a lung but...at least when I cough it's coming up. I can breath somewhat easier and I don't feel as run down. Emotionally...it's been like a drop from hell.
In a comment Mouse made to Spirited, she said it was the summertime blues. I guess in some way it is like that. All week I've felt like crawling up in a corner, pulling the covers over my head and hiding. That isn't exactly like me. M and I have felt distant at best. He's been in a...well, cold mood and stressed. I felt pushed away so I began analyzing everything. Sucks being a virgo...we tend to be over-analytical, over logical and self deprecating at times. I just knew I had done something wrong and everything I did do wrong became like glaring, unforgiving flaws. Throw on top of the issues we've had to deal with that are from my side...the custody issues and such, I just knew it had to be my fault.
I got rewarded with a task. I was told I needed to stop being so down and hard on myself. So...I did. But it just flipped things around. I then began rationalizing that if it wasn't me...then what was it? What happened to create this preverbial "elephant in the room?" Finally last night, we talked about it. He assured me it is only the stress from work. He's had a deadline he's been up against. Nothing was wrong with us, I had done nothing wrong, we were fine.
So, I am taking him at his word. I still feel a little off but I am trying to right myself. I still feel a tad gun shy and find myself needy for time with him. Sadly, I won't get that for at least another month. I will try to find something to busy myself with, something that will hopefully get my mind off of the distance and missing him the way I do.
Let's just pray next week is better. I can't keep up with this nagging in the back of my head...
In a comment Mouse made to Spirited, she said it was the summertime blues. I guess in some way it is like that. All week I've felt like crawling up in a corner, pulling the covers over my head and hiding. That isn't exactly like me. M and I have felt distant at best. He's been in a...well, cold mood and stressed. I felt pushed away so I began analyzing everything. Sucks being a virgo...we tend to be over-analytical, over logical and self deprecating at times. I just knew I had done something wrong and everything I did do wrong became like glaring, unforgiving flaws. Throw on top of the issues we've had to deal with that are from my side...the custody issues and such, I just knew it had to be my fault.
I got rewarded with a task. I was told I needed to stop being so down and hard on myself. So...I did. But it just flipped things around. I then began rationalizing that if it wasn't me...then what was it? What happened to create this preverbial "elephant in the room?" Finally last night, we talked about it. He assured me it is only the stress from work. He's had a deadline he's been up against. Nothing was wrong with us, I had done nothing wrong, we were fine.
So, I am taking him at his word. I still feel a little off but I am trying to right myself. I still feel a tad gun shy and find myself needy for time with him. Sadly, I won't get that for at least another month. I will try to find something to busy myself with, something that will hopefully get my mind off of the distance and missing him the way I do.
Let's just pray next week is better. I can't keep up with this nagging in the back of my head...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Being hard on one's self
The last couple of days have been rough. I came down with a wicked cold, talking for a couple of days became a hassle. It only added to the blue feeling I've been having. There's been no real reason for it I suppose, if there is I have yet to find the source. It all started really over the weekend.
M's been busy with work and school so I've been trying to respect that. There was a small spat over the weekend and things just kind of went down hill from there. To add to the frustration of the spat and the void of not being in M's company, I began messing up on little things that led to bigger things. I forgot to write my morning email one day, I left my phone at my work desk one day when I headed out for lunch, I was in a rotten mood and was testy at times with M, I was shying away because of guilt over the emotional reaction I got from M when i turned in my task. I had already felt detached and these things only added to it.
So...I've been hard on myself. I've been analyzing every little thing I do. Every mistake I made, in my mind, just went to prove I was a horrible submissive. Then when I did not get punished for the indiscretions, it only seemed to add to that thought process. Perhaps it had run its course and so he just didn't feel like dominating me anymore. Just a bunch of unhealthy thinking. But, true to M's style he allowed me a little rope.
Yesterday, he pulled but not as hard as I would have expected. I was given the task of sitting down and righting out a list of everything I do right. That was a little rough because I am a virgo...we are our own worst enemy and critic. It took me the better part of the day to write it out and I had to stretch my brain to the point of hurting to get it done...but I did it. I'm still feeling off but I am more mindful of it now. So...we shall see. I do know I'm just ready to be home and in the sun right now...
M's been busy with work and school so I've been trying to respect that. There was a small spat over the weekend and things just kind of went down hill from there. To add to the frustration of the spat and the void of not being in M's company, I began messing up on little things that led to bigger things. I forgot to write my morning email one day, I left my phone at my work desk one day when I headed out for lunch, I was in a rotten mood and was testy at times with M, I was shying away because of guilt over the emotional reaction I got from M when i turned in my task. I had already felt detached and these things only added to it.
So...I've been hard on myself. I've been analyzing every little thing I do. Every mistake I made, in my mind, just went to prove I was a horrible submissive. Then when I did not get punished for the indiscretions, it only seemed to add to that thought process. Perhaps it had run its course and so he just didn't feel like dominating me anymore. Just a bunch of unhealthy thinking. But, true to M's style he allowed me a little rope.
Yesterday, he pulled but not as hard as I would have expected. I was given the task of sitting down and righting out a list of everything I do right. That was a little rough because I am a virgo...we are our own worst enemy and critic. It took me the better part of the day to write it out and I had to stretch my brain to the point of hurting to get it done...but I did it. I'm still feeling off but I am more mindful of it now. So...we shall see. I do know I'm just ready to be home and in the sun right now...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
My task
I don't really have much to say today. It's just an ok day. Nothing special, quiet. I am doing my thing, which is much of nothing, and he is doing his thing. But, figured I'd share the fruits of my labor. Enjoy...
Try this again...sheesh.
Try this again...sheesh.
Meh...
So I am running a little late with my blog for the day. It was an odd one and I really was not overly inspired to write. I know, not really a good excuse. It really isn't one to be honest. It's been pretty much truth today.
I woke fine enough, finally woke feeling like I actually got enough sleep for a change. That really is an odd thing as of late. I was able to just lay there for a little while and allow myself to fully wake before crawling out of bed. I went to shower and BAM! The red sea decided to hit today. Yay me...but honestly I can not complain really. I was overdue, getting off of the birth control messed all kinds of things up. So, things looked like they will even out right? Nope...
I wrote my morning email, a daily task I have when M and I are apart. The morning goes by and no phone call, no text message...no word from M. I start to worry but figured he slept in...REALLY slept in and would call when he decided to get up. Finally around noon, I couldn't stand it anymore so...I called. It just went downhill from there. He snapped at me without realizing he did, I took offense and got ass hurt, the phone call just became awkward and ended. We didn't really talk the rest of the afternoon.
We finally talked for a few minutes before I went to a friend's house for a girl's dinner and movie night. Even then it was just an ok conversation. When I got home, we talked again and things still felt...awkward I guess you could say. I was quiet, so was he...we talked when something needed to be said then the night was over. He went to bed and I stayed up to feed my facebook addiction...I swear I have too many apps but I can't help myself lol.
It was just an off day which...I didn't really expect after last night. I had finished my task and handed it over with much pride. He loved it and praised me for a job well done. I was elated and my feelings were pretty well stated I think. It made me miss him more but our conversation last night was great...then I wake up to today. I guess everyone has them. So...meh. I will just toss it up to whatever and let it be. Hopefully tomorrow will be better...
I woke fine enough, finally woke feeling like I actually got enough sleep for a change. That really is an odd thing as of late. I was able to just lay there for a little while and allow myself to fully wake before crawling out of bed. I went to shower and BAM! The red sea decided to hit today. Yay me...but honestly I can not complain really. I was overdue, getting off of the birth control messed all kinds of things up. So, things looked like they will even out right? Nope...
I wrote my morning email, a daily task I have when M and I are apart. The morning goes by and no phone call, no text message...no word from M. I start to worry but figured he slept in...REALLY slept in and would call when he decided to get up. Finally around noon, I couldn't stand it anymore so...I called. It just went downhill from there. He snapped at me without realizing he did, I took offense and got ass hurt, the phone call just became awkward and ended. We didn't really talk the rest of the afternoon.
We finally talked for a few minutes before I went to a friend's house for a girl's dinner and movie night. Even then it was just an ok conversation. When I got home, we talked again and things still felt...awkward I guess you could say. I was quiet, so was he...we talked when something needed to be said then the night was over. He went to bed and I stayed up to feed my facebook addiction...I swear I have too many apps but I can't help myself lol.
It was just an off day which...I didn't really expect after last night. I had finished my task and handed it over with much pride. He loved it and praised me for a job well done. I was elated and my feelings were pretty well stated I think. It made me miss him more but our conversation last night was great...then I wake up to today. I guess everyone has them. So...meh. I will just toss it up to whatever and let it be. Hopefully tomorrow will be better...
Friday, August 20, 2010
Finally Friday...
Actually, it's been a good day so far. As I expressed to M in my morning email...I feel more centered than I have since returning from my trip. I feel good finally, not overly tired and no sickness. I was starting to get a little tired of feeling as run down and sick as I had been. My mood has been great all day. It's just overall a really good one.
I am just about finished with the task he assigned to me. I am actually rather excited about handing it over to him. I am incredibly proud of the finished product. There are things I am still considering adding but honestly, every time I look at it I think it gets my point across very well...I did what he wanted and believe he will be pleased. Although...If he's not I will cry I think lol.
All of our issues are still there, still dealing with being apart but we are a little more settled as to getting things going to rectify all of that. I think really that is the biggest hurdle for us. When we are together, we are able to handle any issues that come up precisely and without too much hassle. Being this far apart, we just do not operate as the smooth running machine we've come to be...which is kind of nice. We have an ebb and flow that when I think on it is really cool and beautiful. So very much different than what I've known before.
What can I say? I'm really lucky to have found the other piece to my puzzle. We go together like peas and carrots...
I am just about finished with the task he assigned to me. I am actually rather excited about handing it over to him. I am incredibly proud of the finished product. There are things I am still considering adding but honestly, every time I look at it I think it gets my point across very well...I did what he wanted and believe he will be pleased. Although...If he's not I will cry I think lol.
All of our issues are still there, still dealing with being apart but we are a little more settled as to getting things going to rectify all of that. I think really that is the biggest hurdle for us. When we are together, we are able to handle any issues that come up precisely and without too much hassle. Being this far apart, we just do not operate as the smooth running machine we've come to be...which is kind of nice. We have an ebb and flow that when I think on it is really cool and beautiful. So very much different than what I've known before.
What can I say? I'm really lucky to have found the other piece to my puzzle. We go together like peas and carrots...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Not because I asked...
My blog has suffered lately, sometimes not writing in it for a few weeks at a time. I am going to make a concerted effort to keep this up daily. It may not always be deep thoughts or awe struck revalations...but perhaps journaling daily will keep my mind open and prevent some of the random emotional upsets and such.
Last night I read one of greengirl's post called Communication Breakdown. For me, it really hit home. M and I have had it happen to us several times and I am sure it will happen many more over the years as we grow, change and morph into the couple we would like to be. I am sure it happens in every relationship. It's a growing pain we all have to deal with no matter D/s, M/s or plain old vanilla.
M and I discussed the post and our thoughts on the subject but one part really stuck out for me. The issue of "Did you do it because I asked or because you want to?" For me, the discussion of oral sex has come up before with him and I. Not so much me performing, but him performing. Before this last trip, it was something he had not performed on me and out of curiousity I asked why. A conversation ensued, some things I took wrong in my own perception and just ended up chalking it up to "It's not something that will happen with us." Then I went out to see him this last time and much to my...not surprise, more like shock lol...he went down. Heat of the moment, no scening just regular hawt smex and I will be the first to admit...for the first time since we've been together I found myself uncomfortable.
Usually, yes like most other women, I generally enjoy it but seriously...it was almost like someone threw on an emergency break and for me the car came to a stop. Why? Because my OH SO brilliant brain threw in the thought "Is he doing this because he wants to or because I asked about it?" Not knowing the answer bothered me. Sure, whenever a "loving couple" have sex, you will both do things that you know the other enjoys because well...because you want your partner to be happy, satisfied. For a lot of us, no matter Dominant, Submissive, Plain jane vanilla wife or husband, etc...we obtain enjoyment from our partner's enjoyment as well as our own.
But for me, as a sub, I feel this stab of guilt at the thought of him doing something purely because I asked. I feel guilty at the thought that he could be doing something he really doesn't care to do just because he knows it will make me happy. I kind of reason it to the act of sex period. We all WANT our partner to want to have sex with us. We all want to know that the person we are with finds us as attractive in that regards as we find them. I don't want him doing something just because I ask...If it happens, I would hope it's a mutually enjoyable thing. It's just like telling me "You're so beautiful" after asking why it's been 10 years since you even commented on me looking nice for an evening out on the town much less that i'm beautiful. For me...it just comes off as coherced and not something you truly mean or want.
In that topic, there does often come a communication breakdown. For me, I can relate to Greengirl's lack of desire to speak up. Sure, I know as a submissive and even as a wife I need to express my needs and wants. You as a dominant can not read minds. But by the same token, there may be a time I hold something back just out of fear that I will say it and it gets answered not because you want to or mean it...but only because I asked after it. No, I'd never hold the major things back and of course if there is ever something new that may peak my interest...I'd say. That is how our relationship keeps growing, learning new things. But that isn't really what I am talking about. I am purely talking about the every day, no brainer stuff.
And now...back to your regularly scheduled programing.
Banana
Last night I read one of greengirl's post called Communication Breakdown. For me, it really hit home. M and I have had it happen to us several times and I am sure it will happen many more over the years as we grow, change and morph into the couple we would like to be. I am sure it happens in every relationship. It's a growing pain we all have to deal with no matter D/s, M/s or plain old vanilla.
M and I discussed the post and our thoughts on the subject but one part really stuck out for me. The issue of "Did you do it because I asked or because you want to?" For me, the discussion of oral sex has come up before with him and I. Not so much me performing, but him performing. Before this last trip, it was something he had not performed on me and out of curiousity I asked why. A conversation ensued, some things I took wrong in my own perception and just ended up chalking it up to "It's not something that will happen with us." Then I went out to see him this last time and much to my...not surprise, more like shock lol...he went down. Heat of the moment, no scening just regular hawt smex and I will be the first to admit...for the first time since we've been together I found myself uncomfortable.
Usually, yes like most other women, I generally enjoy it but seriously...it was almost like someone threw on an emergency break and for me the car came to a stop. Why? Because my OH SO brilliant brain threw in the thought "Is he doing this because he wants to or because I asked about it?" Not knowing the answer bothered me. Sure, whenever a "loving couple" have sex, you will both do things that you know the other enjoys because well...because you want your partner to be happy, satisfied. For a lot of us, no matter Dominant, Submissive, Plain jane vanilla wife or husband, etc...we obtain enjoyment from our partner's enjoyment as well as our own.
But for me, as a sub, I feel this stab of guilt at the thought of him doing something purely because I asked. I feel guilty at the thought that he could be doing something he really doesn't care to do just because he knows it will make me happy. I kind of reason it to the act of sex period. We all WANT our partner to want to have sex with us. We all want to know that the person we are with finds us as attractive in that regards as we find them. I don't want him doing something just because I ask...If it happens, I would hope it's a mutually enjoyable thing. It's just like telling me "You're so beautiful" after asking why it's been 10 years since you even commented on me looking nice for an evening out on the town much less that i'm beautiful. For me...it just comes off as coherced and not something you truly mean or want.
In that topic, there does often come a communication breakdown. For me, I can relate to Greengirl's lack of desire to speak up. Sure, I know as a submissive and even as a wife I need to express my needs and wants. You as a dominant can not read minds. But by the same token, there may be a time I hold something back just out of fear that I will say it and it gets answered not because you want to or mean it...but only because I asked after it. No, I'd never hold the major things back and of course if there is ever something new that may peak my interest...I'd say. That is how our relationship keeps growing, learning new things. But that isn't really what I am talking about. I am purely talking about the every day, no brainer stuff.
And now...back to your regularly scheduled programing.
Banana
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Have you ever....?
Have you ever had one of those days where no matter what you do or say it just all comes out wrong? Like everything you say or do hurts someone's feelings or you find yourself getting into trouble? Perhaps no one even takes offense but you still feel like after it's out of your mouth you instantly regret saying anything?
It's been one of those months for me it seems. It started at the beginning of the month and just gets worse. I've gotten into little tiffs with M, often regretting opening my mouth. No matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough (And no, he has never told me that. It's just my "perception"...the way I feel).
Right now, we are in the midst of planning my moving there and dealing with all that comes with that. Sadly, with that we have to deal with my ex and custody issues. I will be taking my daughter to another state. My ex, while he was a crappy husband is a great father and loves our daughter emmensely. I understand his resistance to allowing me to take her. He's thrown every road block up so far that he can...it's tiresome. But while I do understand, it doesn't make it any more acceptable. So, we are locked in a custody issue. Just one more problem and expense that both M and I could live without. What is getting to me is the fact that it's been that way for M and I since the get go. My ex has put up road blocks on M even being in the same house with Ding. It's just been one issue after another. And in that lies where part of my issue comes in.
Nothing has come easy for M and I, this only furthers that. In my head though, I begin to doubt myself. I begin to "make decisions" and label this as something M shouldn't have to deal with. I am coming with a lot of baggage, those previously married with kids usually do. I often find myself torn. I get scared that M will one day just decide it's not worth the hassle. Or that he'll just decide to stop because it isn't being done on his time table. Ultimately I know that this isn't his battle, it isn't a burden he should have to bear. Yes...I understand he made a decision and honestly, he's been awesome. He pays attention and calls my daughter when he doesn't have to. He takes an interest in her schooling, extra-curricular activities, TV shows, likes and dislikes. He carries her pictures with him on his phone. I could not have chosen a better rolemodel and person to fill the shoes of step dad. With Ding it's a tall order but then he's a tall guy and luckily my daughter is about as smitten with him as I am.
Then I flip sides and sometimes find myself being incredibly selfish, wishing that the Ex was so not involved. But that isn't really in Ding's best interest. She loves her father and he loves her just as much. He's incredibly active in her life as he should be and their relationship is very tight. No, I know that him being less involved isn't really the answer either. It's just a lot of inner turmoil. Neither ways of thinking are fair to M, Ding or myself. But none the less it's been a point of a lot of stress.
Through it, M has time and time again reaffirmed my faith in chosing him as not only my soon to be husband but also my Master. He's done a wonderful job of supporting and has been ahead of me where my needs are concerned. Even going as far as giving me a task to keep my mind off of the turmoil for a bit. I could not have thanked him enough when he gave it to me. Sadly though...while my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts of how best to fulfill the task and have him proud, it's become a little overwhelming too. It is a task that requires a lot of emotion and thought, digging within myself for answers to a simple question. I won't go into much detail but...I've been digging a little too deep I think. I've suddenly found myself, while more in touch with my feelings for him and where we are headed, I feel incredibly exposed right now, vulnerable even.
Oh well. It will all work out in the wash. I just need to pay more attention to my mouth, being more mindful of what I do and don't say...basically filter myself. And I also need to be a little more careful with how much I allow myself to dig without him here.
It's been one of those months for me it seems. It started at the beginning of the month and just gets worse. I've gotten into little tiffs with M, often regretting opening my mouth. No matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough (And no, he has never told me that. It's just my "perception"...the way I feel).
Right now, we are in the midst of planning my moving there and dealing with all that comes with that. Sadly, with that we have to deal with my ex and custody issues. I will be taking my daughter to another state. My ex, while he was a crappy husband is a great father and loves our daughter emmensely. I understand his resistance to allowing me to take her. He's thrown every road block up so far that he can...it's tiresome. But while I do understand, it doesn't make it any more acceptable. So, we are locked in a custody issue. Just one more problem and expense that both M and I could live without. What is getting to me is the fact that it's been that way for M and I since the get go. My ex has put up road blocks on M even being in the same house with Ding. It's just been one issue after another. And in that lies where part of my issue comes in.
Nothing has come easy for M and I, this only furthers that. In my head though, I begin to doubt myself. I begin to "make decisions" and label this as something M shouldn't have to deal with. I am coming with a lot of baggage, those previously married with kids usually do. I often find myself torn. I get scared that M will one day just decide it's not worth the hassle. Or that he'll just decide to stop because it isn't being done on his time table. Ultimately I know that this isn't his battle, it isn't a burden he should have to bear. Yes...I understand he made a decision and honestly, he's been awesome. He pays attention and calls my daughter when he doesn't have to. He takes an interest in her schooling, extra-curricular activities, TV shows, likes and dislikes. He carries her pictures with him on his phone. I could not have chosen a better rolemodel and person to fill the shoes of step dad. With Ding it's a tall order but then he's a tall guy and luckily my daughter is about as smitten with him as I am.
Then I flip sides and sometimes find myself being incredibly selfish, wishing that the Ex was so not involved. But that isn't really in Ding's best interest. She loves her father and he loves her just as much. He's incredibly active in her life as he should be and their relationship is very tight. No, I know that him being less involved isn't really the answer either. It's just a lot of inner turmoil. Neither ways of thinking are fair to M, Ding or myself. But none the less it's been a point of a lot of stress.
Through it, M has time and time again reaffirmed my faith in chosing him as not only my soon to be husband but also my Master. He's done a wonderful job of supporting and has been ahead of me where my needs are concerned. Even going as far as giving me a task to keep my mind off of the turmoil for a bit. I could not have thanked him enough when he gave it to me. Sadly though...while my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts of how best to fulfill the task and have him proud, it's become a little overwhelming too. It is a task that requires a lot of emotion and thought, digging within myself for answers to a simple question. I won't go into much detail but...I've been digging a little too deep I think. I've suddenly found myself, while more in touch with my feelings for him and where we are headed, I feel incredibly exposed right now, vulnerable even.
Oh well. It will all work out in the wash. I just need to pay more attention to my mouth, being more mindful of what I do and don't say...basically filter myself. And I also need to be a little more careful with how much I allow myself to dig without him here.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Much of the Same...
Yea, still feeling a lot of the same. I was surprised to look at my blog and realize it’s been more than a week since my last post yet…I do not see any improvement. I’ve had one good day and a couple of ok days since but nothing to jump for joy over. If anything, things have really just gotten worse. Or…maybe it seems that way because this is still lingering around.
In all truths, I feel like I am going a little crazy. No matter what I do, no matter what I concentrate on I can not seem to pull myself out of this one. A friend has suggested that perhaps it’s a hormone issue. Whether pregnant or just an imbalance coming off of the pills. Maybe she’s right. I have no clue. I have my doctor’s appointment on Monday so we shall see then I guess.
In the mean time, I’m doing nothing more than getting myself into trouble. My behavior has been despicable. I’ve found myself snapping at M and yesterday, I down right yelled. I deserved him raising his voice to me and shutting me down. By the same token though…in this warped sense of vision, it just hurt and made me more angry. But now, it wasn’t just anger or aggravation with him, but with myself. I’m feeling a lot of regret for the way I’ve acted, regret that I can’t seem to pull myself up.
There’s a lot of fear too. I fear, what if I am pregnant and this hormonal. Will I be like this for 9 months? I don’t know if I can deal with that. I fear it pushing M away. I look at his ex and I cringe because I feel I am no better right now. He all but ran from her, even went as far as getting me to help him get rid of her. He says it isn't, but he forgets I know him better than I know myself. He holds back and just goes quiet...all of which he's done since the last posting.
I don’t know…I am really just blowing steam I guess. I have a lot in my head, some of it probably isn’t worth giving voice to. Of course…after yesterday, I am not sure I should even be saying this much. My mouth seems to just get me in trouble. I’m sorry this probably hasn’t made much sense. Not much is making much sense to me right now…just trying to get rid of this extra weight I guess.
In all truths, I feel like I am going a little crazy. No matter what I do, no matter what I concentrate on I can not seem to pull myself out of this one. A friend has suggested that perhaps it’s a hormone issue. Whether pregnant or just an imbalance coming off of the pills. Maybe she’s right. I have no clue. I have my doctor’s appointment on Monday so we shall see then I guess.
In the mean time, I’m doing nothing more than getting myself into trouble. My behavior has been despicable. I’ve found myself snapping at M and yesterday, I down right yelled. I deserved him raising his voice to me and shutting me down. By the same token though…in this warped sense of vision, it just hurt and made me more angry. But now, it wasn’t just anger or aggravation with him, but with myself. I’m feeling a lot of regret for the way I’ve acted, regret that I can’t seem to pull myself up.
There’s a lot of fear too. I fear, what if I am pregnant and this hormonal. Will I be like this for 9 months? I don’t know if I can deal with that. I fear it pushing M away. I look at his ex and I cringe because I feel I am no better right now. He all but ran from her, even went as far as getting me to help him get rid of her. He says it isn't, but he forgets I know him better than I know myself. He holds back and just goes quiet...all of which he's done since the last posting.
I don’t know…I am really just blowing steam I guess. I have a lot in my head, some of it probably isn’t worth giving voice to. Of course…after yesterday, I am not sure I should even be saying this much. My mouth seems to just get me in trouble. I’m sorry this probably hasn’t made much sense. Not much is making much sense to me right now…just trying to get rid of this extra weight I guess.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
A bad day...
So, it’s been a while since I wrote. Life as of late seemed to explode. I was fortunate to be able to fly out to Florida for several days with M. It was a much needed break from the day to day but more importantly it was much needed bonding time between the two of us. Living apart is not easy so our time together is extremely valuable. The trip was wonderful. I found myself attached to the town and location, M and I looking at the bigger picture of moving and starting a life there. With his job, it would be easier for Ding and I to relocate than him. I don’t particularly mind. Sure, I will miss all that is New Orleans but while it’s been my home all my life it is not so homey anymore without M. I’d gladly move to Saudi Arabia if it meant being with him. Just saying…
Now that I am back, the difficulties of being apart are even more prevalant. I’ve been dealing with a drop that is kicking my ass. We refrained from sex the last day in hopes of avoiding making it worse but it doesn’t really matter. Leaving on that plane was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I only managed with the knowledge that sometime within the coming months we’d be moving towards Ding and I coming back…permanently. It still wasn’t easy, extremely tearful and even now a good week since I still find myself crying at the drop of a dime. It’s rough because it hurts…physically hurts.
To make matters worse, I am dealing with a double edged sword. Forget the complications of looking to make a permanent move to another state, dealing with child custody issues, employment, etc. Throw on top that I am now dealing with one of two results. I was on birth control…again. The pills themselves made life almost miserable before my trip. I dealt with side effects such as month long break through bleeding, extreme fatigue, mood swings, cramping and extreme breast tenderness. The pills did not sit so well with my fibrocystic breast disease. A week before my trip life started to equal out, the side effects subsiding and things just getting back to normal physically. The mood swings had even abated. I was only on those pills because my cycle would have fallen right on my vacation. So! I opted for pills to move it.
The day I got back, I went off of them. I can’t sustain the side effects long term and well…let’s face it. I had been on the pill before, got pregnant and because of my every day hormonal imbalace due to the PCOS, the pills only worked even more against me and in turn ended in a miscarriage. I did not want to take that chance. Only problem now? No cycle. So the question is…Am I pregnant? It’s still too early to tell. My doctor advised that I wait two weeks before coming in. Fine. But in the mean time, I’m starting to deal with fatique, mood swings, an upset stomach that could be taken as “morning sickness” cravings, etc. It’s really kind of wearing on me. It’s too early to be feeling quite like this, at least that I know of. I could be wrong. But the thing is, could it be pregnancy or could it be my body trying to adjust again because of the lack of hormones from the pill?
I don’t know and won’t know for at least another week or so. In the meantime, I am being less than ideal submissive wise and probably even riding a fine line in the girlfriend category. I’m terribly FAIL right now in most catagories. At work I am not able to concentrate, I find myself aggitated, I don’t feel good and all I want to do is nap…a LOT. Of course, sleeping at night has been next to impossible the last few nights. I find that I'm downing myself pretty hard right now. I’m sorry M, I really am and I am trying…
Now that I am back, the difficulties of being apart are even more prevalant. I’ve been dealing with a drop that is kicking my ass. We refrained from sex the last day in hopes of avoiding making it worse but it doesn’t really matter. Leaving on that plane was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I only managed with the knowledge that sometime within the coming months we’d be moving towards Ding and I coming back…permanently. It still wasn’t easy, extremely tearful and even now a good week since I still find myself crying at the drop of a dime. It’s rough because it hurts…physically hurts.
To make matters worse, I am dealing with a double edged sword. Forget the complications of looking to make a permanent move to another state, dealing with child custody issues, employment, etc. Throw on top that I am now dealing with one of two results. I was on birth control…again. The pills themselves made life almost miserable before my trip. I dealt with side effects such as month long break through bleeding, extreme fatigue, mood swings, cramping and extreme breast tenderness. The pills did not sit so well with my fibrocystic breast disease. A week before my trip life started to equal out, the side effects subsiding and things just getting back to normal physically. The mood swings had even abated. I was only on those pills because my cycle would have fallen right on my vacation. So! I opted for pills to move it.
The day I got back, I went off of them. I can’t sustain the side effects long term and well…let’s face it. I had been on the pill before, got pregnant and because of my every day hormonal imbalace due to the PCOS, the pills only worked even more against me and in turn ended in a miscarriage. I did not want to take that chance. Only problem now? No cycle. So the question is…Am I pregnant? It’s still too early to tell. My doctor advised that I wait two weeks before coming in. Fine. But in the mean time, I’m starting to deal with fatique, mood swings, an upset stomach that could be taken as “morning sickness” cravings, etc. It’s really kind of wearing on me. It’s too early to be feeling quite like this, at least that I know of. I could be wrong. But the thing is, could it be pregnancy or could it be my body trying to adjust again because of the lack of hormones from the pill?
I don’t know and won’t know for at least another week or so. In the meantime, I am being less than ideal submissive wise and probably even riding a fine line in the girlfriend category. I’m terribly FAIL right now in most catagories. At work I am not able to concentrate, I find myself aggitated, I don’t feel good and all I want to do is nap…a LOT. Of course, sleeping at night has been next to impossible the last few nights. I find that I'm downing myself pretty hard right now. I’m sorry M, I really am and I am trying…
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
More Rain…
Any other time I would absolutely love the rain. I always have…rainy days at home all curled up on the couch watching scary movies or just reading. Oooh or thunderstorms at night…I am guaranteed to sleep like a baby. But we’re working on two weeks now with rain every day here and it’s starting to just become a nuisance. There is too much of a good thing.
Sadly though the dreary rain echoes my sentiments right now. I am preparing for one trip to visit family out west, I should be happy about that. When I come back, I will be packing and getting on a plane that will finally bring me back to M’s side. I am excited about that. But…Mother nature is not being overly nice to me. The doctor put me on a new birth control, Loestrin 24fe. Let me be one of the apparent dozen million women all complaining about this pill. It was clearly invented by the devil. I’m tired as hell on it, the mood swings have not been too atrocious, I am having horrible BTB and now my cycle is all screwed up. Just so not a happy camper and not really getting any definitive answers from the Doctor as to what I should do. He could move me to another pill but that could worsen the side affects. I could just stop but he worries that will mess things up even more. Only good news from this pill so far…I’ve lost weight but then bouts of nausea keep me from wanting to eat at all.
But, between the rain, hormone shifts and my sudden detest for mother nature…I find myself feeling a little melancholy. I’m also having trouble staying focused on much of anything. My work is barely getting done because my mind keeps wandering off to this place and that. Just ready for it to be two weeks from today. I’m praying these stupid pills equal out by then and that mother nature decides to cooperate with me for once. We shall see though.
Sadly though the dreary rain echoes my sentiments right now. I am preparing for one trip to visit family out west, I should be happy about that. When I come back, I will be packing and getting on a plane that will finally bring me back to M’s side. I am excited about that. But…Mother nature is not being overly nice to me. The doctor put me on a new birth control, Loestrin 24fe. Let me be one of the apparent dozen million women all complaining about this pill. It was clearly invented by the devil. I’m tired as hell on it, the mood swings have not been too atrocious, I am having horrible BTB and now my cycle is all screwed up. Just so not a happy camper and not really getting any definitive answers from the Doctor as to what I should do. He could move me to another pill but that could worsen the side affects. I could just stop but he worries that will mess things up even more. Only good news from this pill so far…I’ve lost weight but then bouts of nausea keep me from wanting to eat at all.
But, between the rain, hormone shifts and my sudden detest for mother nature…I find myself feeling a little melancholy. I’m also having trouble staying focused on much of anything. My work is barely getting done because my mind keeps wandering off to this place and that. Just ready for it to be two weeks from today. I’m praying these stupid pills equal out by then and that mother nature decides to cooperate with me for once. We shall see though.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Uncomfortable silence
It happens to the best of relationships at some point. We run out of things to say or life in general gets hectic and we just get busy taking care of them that when we come back to ground zero…we sit there unsure of what to say or just avoid conversation for the sake of just not talking about the issues that have popped up because of said hectic schedule. Whatever the reason each may have, we sit there, together but sometimes not really mentally there. We’ve been together long enough to read each other like open books. We know there is something on the other’s mind yet...we just let it pass. Sure, we may ask what is wrong or offer a penny for their thoughts but we don’t push, afraid to pry. They do the same exact thing. Over time, letting it ride that way, we become complacent or just used to the uncomfortable silence. We begin to delude ourselves that the issues are done with because there is no arguing about it, not even a mention of them. We allow ourselves to be ignorant of the infection that is festering beneath the surface, an infection resulting from the uncomfortable silence. We ride along our path, enjoying the wind in our face, seemingly concern or worry free until a bug hits the windshield and we take off the sunglasses we had put on.
One of us feels a pull and that feeling creeps up, that sick and morose feeling of dread. The reality and awareness of the infection comes rushing back and it hits us where it hurts the most…our heart. We begin analyzing everything, every cover up, our actions, the other’s actions. We begin blaming ourselves, that blame turns to regret or resentment that the other had not thought enough to see and point it out. We try putting out little hints, still afraid to push too hard for fear of what will happen if the bubble bursts. Perhaps the hints go unheeded or perhaps it’s blissfully ignored. Not so much intentionally, just a matter of preservation of self and the relationship. When it isn’t handled, we withdraw. Instead of realizing that the other just has not had reality hit them, we take it for lack of concern or worse. Anger begins to build, anger at ourselves and anger at our significant other. It all starts to wrap in on itself, a vicious cycle that could very well be spelling out the doom of what both of you have worked so hard to build and preserve. If you’re a submissive, you begin scrambling, trying to sort out the sudden rush of thoughts and emotion, doing what you can to correct the situation. If you’re the Dom, you probably begin to second guess not only the sub but perhaps yourself as well. You analyze the fact you let it get so far and now with the loss of control to a point you feel it is futile.
The question is…why do any of us settle for this? Why do we allow it to happen? Me personally…well, I am still trying to figure that out. It seems to be a continual thing, a mistake made over and over again in lives all around me…including my own. I mean, I could spout off a thousand reasons as to why it happens to M and I from time to time. But in the end, not one of them is excusable for either of us allowing the break down in communication, to allow it to progress far enough to destroy the foundation that was precariously laid in the first place. When I first began my journey into D/s, I found what seemed to be endless articles on communication and it’s importance. During the failing of my marriage I had found an equal number in vanilla research. Communication and Trust. Vanilla or Baskin Robins….doesn’t matter your path. A relationship MUST be built on this. I couldn’t figure out why so much on it but as time goes on, I honestly see why. Us humans are fickle creatures. We forget so easily the fundamental basics on almost everything, it gets lost in the sea of all the other stuff we must remember. So THAT is why there are so many resources out there saying the same thing. Because we need a daily reminder that no matter how long you’ve been together, 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades…Communication, Communication, Communication. Without it our trust slips, without our trust the relationship fails. So my friends…consider this the reminder for today.
One of us feels a pull and that feeling creeps up, that sick and morose feeling of dread. The reality and awareness of the infection comes rushing back and it hits us where it hurts the most…our heart. We begin analyzing everything, every cover up, our actions, the other’s actions. We begin blaming ourselves, that blame turns to regret or resentment that the other had not thought enough to see and point it out. We try putting out little hints, still afraid to push too hard for fear of what will happen if the bubble bursts. Perhaps the hints go unheeded or perhaps it’s blissfully ignored. Not so much intentionally, just a matter of preservation of self and the relationship. When it isn’t handled, we withdraw. Instead of realizing that the other just has not had reality hit them, we take it for lack of concern or worse. Anger begins to build, anger at ourselves and anger at our significant other. It all starts to wrap in on itself, a vicious cycle that could very well be spelling out the doom of what both of you have worked so hard to build and preserve. If you’re a submissive, you begin scrambling, trying to sort out the sudden rush of thoughts and emotion, doing what you can to correct the situation. If you’re the Dom, you probably begin to second guess not only the sub but perhaps yourself as well. You analyze the fact you let it get so far and now with the loss of control to a point you feel it is futile.
The question is…why do any of us settle for this? Why do we allow it to happen? Me personally…well, I am still trying to figure that out. It seems to be a continual thing, a mistake made over and over again in lives all around me…including my own. I mean, I could spout off a thousand reasons as to why it happens to M and I from time to time. But in the end, not one of them is excusable for either of us allowing the break down in communication, to allow it to progress far enough to destroy the foundation that was precariously laid in the first place. When I first began my journey into D/s, I found what seemed to be endless articles on communication and it’s importance. During the failing of my marriage I had found an equal number in vanilla research. Communication and Trust. Vanilla or Baskin Robins….doesn’t matter your path. A relationship MUST be built on this. I couldn’t figure out why so much on it but as time goes on, I honestly see why. Us humans are fickle creatures. We forget so easily the fundamental basics on almost everything, it gets lost in the sea of all the other stuff we must remember. So THAT is why there are so many resources out there saying the same thing. Because we need a daily reminder that no matter how long you’ve been together, 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades…Communication, Communication, Communication. Without it our trust slips, without our trust the relationship fails. So my friends…consider this the reminder for today.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Limits
The other day Sir J made a post on pushing limits and I'd have to say it really kind of got me. M and I have been discussing things lately and for a while due to the stresses and such in our lives I had this un-nameable want for something. I could not put my finger on it and no matter how much I meditated on it or what have you, I just could not give voice to what it was. For a bit, I felt maybe it was just a desire to be pushed. But now...I believe I know exactly what it is.
As a submissive, it isn't really about limits for me. Sure, I have them and some of them are soft...breakable if you will. They are areas of unknowns and some of those unknowns should and will be discovered. They are opportunities for growth...and that is where, in my mind, pushing limits should come in. Otherwise, it isn't pushing that I need on a day to day basis. It's M's dominance, his control I need. I need to be put in my place, reminded of my submission. Our daily lives can be hectic. We all work, have jobs, take care of kids, etc...it is easy for us to lose sight of the D/s or M/s components of our relationships. So many that I know have often said during this time is when they need to be pushed or on the other side of the coin, feel they need to push. I don't think it's the right use of terminology.
Sir J asked a wonderful question "What exactly is gained by the pushing of all limits or pushing them all the time?" The answer for me is...nothing. It isn't pushing I really need all the time, it's guidance and control. If we push all the time, you quickly get to a point where the opportunities for growth dry up. Then...you're stuck in a stagnant relationship. Who wants that? I don't. Rome wasn't built in a day or a month or even a year...our relationships and areas for exploration should not be done that quick either.
So my opinion? Stop pushing, enjoy being a dominant and allow us as your submissives enjoy the taste of control and order in our lives. It's pretty much why we chose you isn't it?
As a submissive, it isn't really about limits for me. Sure, I have them and some of them are soft...breakable if you will. They are areas of unknowns and some of those unknowns should and will be discovered. They are opportunities for growth...and that is where, in my mind, pushing limits should come in. Otherwise, it isn't pushing that I need on a day to day basis. It's M's dominance, his control I need. I need to be put in my place, reminded of my submission. Our daily lives can be hectic. We all work, have jobs, take care of kids, etc...it is easy for us to lose sight of the D/s or M/s components of our relationships. So many that I know have often said during this time is when they need to be pushed or on the other side of the coin, feel they need to push. I don't think it's the right use of terminology.
Sir J asked a wonderful question "What exactly is gained by the pushing of all limits or pushing them all the time?" The answer for me is...nothing. It isn't pushing I really need all the time, it's guidance and control. If we push all the time, you quickly get to a point where the opportunities for growth dry up. Then...you're stuck in a stagnant relationship. Who wants that? I don't. Rome wasn't built in a day or a month or even a year...our relationships and areas for exploration should not be done that quick either.
So my opinion? Stop pushing, enjoy being a dominant and allow us as your submissives enjoy the taste of control and order in our lives. It's pretty much why we chose you isn't it?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Hands
The last few days I've been trying to find something to write on. With so much going on, it's hard to sit down long enough to focus my mind on one thing in particular. M's started his new job so new schedule there. I've got Ding's 7th birthday coming up and a decent sized party is planned...what was I thinking by agreeing to a Luau? LOL. Actually, that will be fun just a lot of preparation for it. But then throw my own job, taking care of the house, family obligations...you get the picture. We've been busy little bees. But to sum it all up...I've been hard pressed for getting myself in one place long enough to really concentrate. I'm starting to wear thin from it and with M in Florida and me here for now...there's no escape or release from everything.
But, tonight a thought came to mind when M and I were talking. I miss him terribly, there is no doubt on that. Every little thing about him runs through my mind. As stupid as it may sound given we talk a few times daily right now, I even miss the sound of his voice. Phones and skype don't really do it justice. But, during our conversation tonight I told him I miss his hands. Of course, most of you are like "Yea yea we know why." And I am sure he thought the same thing, he even replied "I miss everything about you." But I didn't mean it like that.
To give a little background here, I have a thing for hands. It is generally one of the first things I notice about other people and honestly one of the things I ALWAYS remember about them. Like my granny's hands or my mother's hands...I have my mother's hands. It's one of the things I will never forget about my Dad...I loved my Dad's hands. Typical man hands...big and wide, calloused and stained from years of working. My Dad always worked with his hands. He's been gone for 7 years now and I still cry like a baby when I hear Holly Dunn's "Daddy's Hands." So...yea, I have a weird thing for hands. Not a fetish (although I probably do have a fetish for M's hands to a point lol) but just like some people notice shoes or hair or whatever...My quirk is hands.
But, when I said I miss his hands, it's not just the way his hands look or the feel of them or the way his hand fits with mine. The thought came that it is so much more than that. In so many ways, his hands hold the world...my world. His hands have the ability to leave marks on my body (Yum...beautiful bruises lol)but by the same token can soothe every ounce of pain away. His hands can make me laugh or bring me to tears. His hands can hurt or comfort and protect. With the flick of a wrist he can beckon me closer or dismiss me from the room. His fingers can bring me to the brink of ecstasy or bring me to my knees in disappointment.
So...yea, I do miss the way his hand fits in mine. I miss the way he can lay in bed next to me for what seems like hours talking and stare at his fingers playing with mine. I miss the way he'll run his fingers through my hair one second then grab a hand full the very next. I miss everything about him, everything about his hands. But when it all boils down to it...his hands hold my heart and world in his palm and without them...I feel like I'm missing.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The MPD Life of the Modern Submissive
Today, while catching up on blogs, I was reading Finding Sara’s post from the other day in which she detailed her description of being stopped by a police officer and the Art of Authority blog’s response to it. It hit home for me.
In the fast pace of life, it is rare anymore that, in a family dynamic, the submissive or wife or female can stay home anymore. It is not like the days of our parents where Mom stayed home to care for the house, kids and husband. Now days, both work which in turn does give us submissives something of an identity complex. While at work, no matter what you do, you (as a submissive) are in charge of your work load, sometimes in charge of others even sometimes in charge of multiple departments or corporations. You have to shed the submissive tendancies and step into the role of being Dominant. Then, when the work whistle blows, you have to make sure to check that persona into your desk or locker or trunk of your car, don your submissive persona and head home where you tend to your Dominant, house, cooking, possibly kids…whatever.
At least that is the way it’s supposed to work in theory. But, let’s face it. We are all human and just like Dominants struggle in situations where they have no control, we struggle when control is placed in our hands and we have to determine when, where and how to use it. It’s contradictory. I know for me personally, I find myself often wondering why control was given to me at all because it isn’t something I wanted in the first place…hence being submissive. Then comes the problem of just shedding that “personality” that is required for me at work when I come home. I will find myself asking after I’ve cooked, cleaned the house, seen to the daughter, directing her through her own chores and homework…When does it end?
I know…HOW UTTERLY HORRIBLE OF ME! A SUBMISSIVE SHOULD NEVER THINK LIKE THAT! Whatever…I may be submissive but I am still human. Yes, I absolutely love the submissive life. I love serving M. I love having the family we have, can not wait for it to grow and would not trade any of it for anything in the world. But, I will also be the first to admit it is not easy…this multiple personality life of Submissive, Fiance/Wife, Employee, Mother, Daughter and Sister. The strain of the constant switching does sometimes get to me. I do have to remind myself or have M remind me of my place. I am always having to strive to keep myself and my submission together.
And ya know what? I am ok with that. Sure, I’d love to be a stay at home submissive and mother. But I am, above all else, a realist. Right now, I can not. So…every day, I get up, dress for work, get Ding off to where she needs to be, go to work, deal with everything there, come home, do the house wife thing and submit myself to M all over again. I stumbler along the way…a lot. But unlike with work or with being a mom…I have someone there helping me correct those mistakes, reminding me of my stumbles and helping me work to not make the same “stumble” next go around.
In the fast pace of life, it is rare anymore that, in a family dynamic, the submissive or wife or female can stay home anymore. It is not like the days of our parents where Mom stayed home to care for the house, kids and husband. Now days, both work which in turn does give us submissives something of an identity complex. While at work, no matter what you do, you (as a submissive) are in charge of your work load, sometimes in charge of others even sometimes in charge of multiple departments or corporations. You have to shed the submissive tendancies and step into the role of being Dominant. Then, when the work whistle blows, you have to make sure to check that persona into your desk or locker or trunk of your car, don your submissive persona and head home where you tend to your Dominant, house, cooking, possibly kids…whatever.
At least that is the way it’s supposed to work in theory. But, let’s face it. We are all human and just like Dominants struggle in situations where they have no control, we struggle when control is placed in our hands and we have to determine when, where and how to use it. It’s contradictory. I know for me personally, I find myself often wondering why control was given to me at all because it isn’t something I wanted in the first place…hence being submissive. Then comes the problem of just shedding that “personality” that is required for me at work when I come home. I will find myself asking after I’ve cooked, cleaned the house, seen to the daughter, directing her through her own chores and homework…When does it end?
I know…HOW UTTERLY HORRIBLE OF ME! A SUBMISSIVE SHOULD NEVER THINK LIKE THAT! Whatever…I may be submissive but I am still human. Yes, I absolutely love the submissive life. I love serving M. I love having the family we have, can not wait for it to grow and would not trade any of it for anything in the world. But, I will also be the first to admit it is not easy…this multiple personality life of Submissive, Fiance/Wife, Employee, Mother, Daughter and Sister. The strain of the constant switching does sometimes get to me. I do have to remind myself or have M remind me of my place. I am always having to strive to keep myself and my submission together.
And ya know what? I am ok with that. Sure, I’d love to be a stay at home submissive and mother. But I am, above all else, a realist. Right now, I can not. So…every day, I get up, dress for work, get Ding off to where she needs to be, go to work, deal with everything there, come home, do the house wife thing and submit myself to M all over again. I stumbler along the way…a lot. But unlike with work or with being a mom…I have someone there helping me correct those mistakes, reminding me of my stumbles and helping me work to not make the same “stumble” next go around.
Monday, June 7, 2010
100 Things about me
So...I know. I have not written in a few. I've been dealing with an oppressive feeling of wanting something or needing something and for the life of me I have not been able to name it. It's a rather disconcerting feeling. M knows of it but as with most things, this is something I must figure out on my own. But, in the mean time...I decided to see if I could come up with 100 things about myself.
1 I’m not a huge fan of my name, it’s too common
2 I’m asian and italian
3 I’ve got a daughter
4 I’d like one more child
5 Ive been married once before
6 I’ve lived in Louisiana 93% of my life to date
7 I’m a slave at heart submissive
8 I love good food
9 I like rainy days
10 I was anorexic as a teenager
11 I’m hypoglycemic
12 I’m deathly allergic to Bees and Wasps
13 I’m mildly allergic to soy but love Edamame
14 I love cheese
15 Red meat is my favorite
16 I like my steak medium rare but more on the rare side
17 I love black and white movies
18 I love musicals
19 I took private vocal coaching growing up
20 I began dance classes at the age of 2
21 I have PCOS
22 My favorite season is Winter
23 My favorite color is red
24 I secretly love the color pink
25 I love being outdoors
26 I was initially born with red hair and it all fell out and grew in dark brown
27 I am one of 5 girls
28 I love writing
29 I’ve written 2 books
30 I’m a virgo and a snake
31 I am surperstitious to a point
32 I’ve owned a black cat
33 I love dogs
34 I was given my first horse at the age of 2
35 My favorite holiday is Christmas
36 I love the movie “Gone with the Wind”
37 I do believe Scarlett’s issue was that she was not spanked enough.
38 I collect Barbies and Angels
39 I love chocolate
40 I enjoy gardening and arts & crafts
41 I love to sing
42 I am mildly OCD
43 I’ve seen the movie Top Gun over 148 times
44 I love the Opera and Classical Music
45 I’ve only ever had to be hospitalized once
46 I like pink camoflauge
47 I love all sorts of asian foods
48 I have my daughter’s name tattooed on my upper back
49 I want more tattoos
50 I have my navel pierced but would like to pierce my nose
51 I love rainy days
52 I loved school
53 I am typically a perfectionist
54 I have a short-fused temper
55 I like hunting and fishing
56 I love football
57 I hate lying and personally suck at it...
58 I have trouble hiding my emotions or thoughts
59 Bad driving is a pet peeve
60 I love history
61 I detest laziness
62 My favorite flowers are Orchids and Gardenia
63 I love the smell of rain and fresh cut grass
64 Children’s laughter is my favorite sound
65 Photography is a hobby
66 I have been referred to as “cold” before
67 Being PC is not my cup of tea
68 I have a phobia of spiders and clowns
69 I am a practicing Catholic
70 The ideal life for me would be spent traveling
71 I was raped at the age of 13
72 I’ve been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship before
73 My first experience in a D/s relationship ended because of abuse
74 I’m in love M’s scent
75 I have an overly active sex drive
76 I suffer with insomnia
77 I was afraid of the dark growing up
78 I believe in ghosts
79 I have a hard time trusting people
80 I wanted a pet Elephant growing up
81 I LOVE Heels
82 I have a Bra and Panty Fetish
83 I love oral sex
84 My favorite position is from behind
85 I think the word “Vagina” sucks
86 I own a pool but have never had sex in said pool
87 My Dad taught be how to rebuild a car engine
88 I used to street race as a teenager
89 I can change my own oil
90 My memory sometimes sucks
91 I am sometimes easily distracted
92 My favorite cartoon growing up was Scooby Doo
93 I lived in Germany for more than 6 months
94 I hate beer
95 I wanted to be a race car driver when I grew up
96 I can belly dance
97 Everyday I discover something new about my submission
98 I always have at least 2 unopened bottles of wine in the house
99 I typically have 1 glass of wine a night with dinner
100 I found it rather difficult to think of 99 things about me.
1 I’m not a huge fan of my name, it’s too common
2 I’m asian and italian
3 I’ve got a daughter
4 I’d like one more child
5 Ive been married once before
6 I’ve lived in Louisiana 93% of my life to date
7 I’m a slave at heart submissive
8 I love good food
9 I like rainy days
10 I was anorexic as a teenager
11 I’m hypoglycemic
12 I’m deathly allergic to Bees and Wasps
13 I’m mildly allergic to soy but love Edamame
14 I love cheese
15 Red meat is my favorite
16 I like my steak medium rare but more on the rare side
17 I love black and white movies
18 I love musicals
19 I took private vocal coaching growing up
20 I began dance classes at the age of 2
21 I have PCOS
22 My favorite season is Winter
23 My favorite color is red
24 I secretly love the color pink
25 I love being outdoors
26 I was initially born with red hair and it all fell out and grew in dark brown
27 I am one of 5 girls
28 I love writing
29 I’ve written 2 books
30 I’m a virgo and a snake
31 I am surperstitious to a point
32 I’ve owned a black cat
33 I love dogs
34 I was given my first horse at the age of 2
35 My favorite holiday is Christmas
36 I love the movie “Gone with the Wind”
37 I do believe Scarlett’s issue was that she was not spanked enough.
38 I collect Barbies and Angels
39 I love chocolate
40 I enjoy gardening and arts & crafts
41 I love to sing
42 I am mildly OCD
43 I’ve seen the movie Top Gun over 148 times
44 I love the Opera and Classical Music
45 I’ve only ever had to be hospitalized once
46 I like pink camoflauge
47 I love all sorts of asian foods
48 I have my daughter’s name tattooed on my upper back
49 I want more tattoos
50 I have my navel pierced but would like to pierce my nose
51 I love rainy days
52 I loved school
53 I am typically a perfectionist
54 I have a short-fused temper
55 I like hunting and fishing
56 I love football
57 I hate lying and personally suck at it...
58 I have trouble hiding my emotions or thoughts
59 Bad driving is a pet peeve
60 I love history
61 I detest laziness
62 My favorite flowers are Orchids and Gardenia
63 I love the smell of rain and fresh cut grass
64 Children’s laughter is my favorite sound
65 Photography is a hobby
66 I have been referred to as “cold” before
67 Being PC is not my cup of tea
68 I have a phobia of spiders and clowns
69 I am a practicing Catholic
70 The ideal life for me would be spent traveling
71 I was raped at the age of 13
72 I’ve been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship before
73 My first experience in a D/s relationship ended because of abuse
74 I’m in love M’s scent
75 I have an overly active sex drive
76 I suffer with insomnia
77 I was afraid of the dark growing up
78 I believe in ghosts
79 I have a hard time trusting people
80 I wanted a pet Elephant growing up
81 I LOVE Heels
82 I have a Bra and Panty Fetish
83 I love oral sex
84 My favorite position is from behind
85 I think the word “Vagina” sucks
86 I own a pool but have never had sex in said pool
87 My Dad taught be how to rebuild a car engine
88 I used to street race as a teenager
89 I can change my own oil
90 My memory sometimes sucks
91 I am sometimes easily distracted
92 My favorite cartoon growing up was Scooby Doo
93 I lived in Germany for more than 6 months
94 I hate beer
95 I wanted to be a race car driver when I grew up
96 I can belly dance
97 Everyday I discover something new about my submission
98 I always have at least 2 unopened bottles of wine in the house
99 I typically have 1 glass of wine a night with dinner
100 I found it rather difficult to think of 99 things about me.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Just kinda weirded out
Today by all rights should be considered a good day. M and I made a year, my daughter was relatively well behaved, I got my pool cleaned and back up running after the winter season. I cooked dinner, which came out fab-U-lous and then spent a few hours with M.
So...why weirded out right? Not overly sure. Could be the unrest as of late, could be just tired, could be a number of things. I can't really put my finger on it. The last few days something just keeps nagging at me. Have you ever had that feeling of dread or apprehension yet you can't name it or figure out the cause? I get it from time to time and usually I find the source relatively easy. This time, not so much. I'm just feeling uneasy.
I'll find the answer I'm sure, just...sucks sitting in limbo until I do and even worse when I know it will come at the most inopportune time.
So...why weirded out right? Not overly sure. Could be the unrest as of late, could be just tired, could be a number of things. I can't really put my finger on it. The last few days something just keeps nagging at me. Have you ever had that feeling of dread or apprehension yet you can't name it or figure out the cause? I get it from time to time and usually I find the source relatively easy. This time, not so much. I'm just feeling uneasy.
I'll find the answer I'm sure, just...sucks sitting in limbo until I do and even worse when I know it will come at the most inopportune time.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Knowing when to hold ‘em or fold ‘em
I know, sounds really pretty corny. But, Kenny Rogers gave some good advice there. In life, we all come across that very thing a lot. There are always cross roads and obstacles and we must all be able to make the decision of holding our course, no matter how bumpy or choosing to go the other direction. We always have a choice, the issue being knowing what decision to make that you can live with.
What is sad is that usually…the choice is never an easy answer and only you can make it. My Sister-in-law has been coming to me for support as of late. Her husband had an affair recently. After a lot of deliberation, they both decided that they do not want to throw away their marriage and would like to try to make it work. I commend the decision but can not say I personally would be able to do so. Since the decision was made, she’s been doing everything in her power to do just that…make it work. On his end though, it has been coming off that he doesn’t want to really put in the effort. She often asks what I would do and I found myself struggling to answer. My opinion is different than hers on the matter so while I want to help, I don’t want to jade her opinion and possible ruin what could very well be something salvagable.
But, after a lot of contemplation and searching…using my own life, my own relationship experience and that of those around me, I had to basically tell her what I discovered. I can not tell her what to do, what choice to make because it would not be my own. You have to figure out where your limit line is, how much you are willing to possibly sacrifice because every choice requires a sacrifice of some kind whether it be something as simple as time or food flavor? What are you willing to accept and what are things you just simply can not agree to? Is staying healthy or are you just doing it out of an unhealthy reason such as masking the pain or fear of being alone? Are you willing to accept failure should it happen?
The list there could go on and on but you get the picture. Decisions are something only you can make, no one else can do it for you. Now, it doesn’t mean we can’t be supportive and be a sounding board. We as friends can even give valuable advice that could aid you in makign your decision. But ultimately, no matter what our answer is, you must remember that it has to be your choice…what YOU can live with.
What is sad is that usually…the choice is never an easy answer and only you can make it. My Sister-in-law has been coming to me for support as of late. Her husband had an affair recently. After a lot of deliberation, they both decided that they do not want to throw away their marriage and would like to try to make it work. I commend the decision but can not say I personally would be able to do so. Since the decision was made, she’s been doing everything in her power to do just that…make it work. On his end though, it has been coming off that he doesn’t want to really put in the effort. She often asks what I would do and I found myself struggling to answer. My opinion is different than hers on the matter so while I want to help, I don’t want to jade her opinion and possible ruin what could very well be something salvagable.
But, after a lot of contemplation and searching…using my own life, my own relationship experience and that of those around me, I had to basically tell her what I discovered. I can not tell her what to do, what choice to make because it would not be my own. You have to figure out where your limit line is, how much you are willing to possibly sacrifice because every choice requires a sacrifice of some kind whether it be something as simple as time or food flavor? What are you willing to accept and what are things you just simply can not agree to? Is staying healthy or are you just doing it out of an unhealthy reason such as masking the pain or fear of being alone? Are you willing to accept failure should it happen?
The list there could go on and on but you get the picture. Decisions are something only you can make, no one else can do it for you. Now, it doesn’t mean we can’t be supportive and be a sounding board. We as friends can even give valuable advice that could aid you in makign your decision. But ultimately, no matter what our answer is, you must remember that it has to be your choice…what YOU can live with.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The other day M made a post on changes. In it he talked about the changes the two of us are dealing with in our lives and his knowledge of us making it through. He's right. We will get through them all and be better for them. It's taken me a few days to really understand and to really believe for myself.
The past week has been an arduous one. There have been changes in our schedules, the ending of the school semester for him and then the offer of a co-op with a company there at home that would basically start his career off on an extremely good foot. That last part was a really good thing, I'm extremely happy for him and so very proud of what he's been able to accomplish. The problem is of course is now having to quickly change lanes from the plans we had been setting to a whole new lane. It will extend his schooling by another 6 months and will of course make things there a little more permanent at least for the next year. It also means him having to set up new living arrangements neither of us had accounted for initially. Just a lot at once and the biggest being the extended separation.
I found myself, while happy for him, extremely scared as to what it would mean for us. I am not by nature a very insecure person. Generally I am pretty confident but with the issues we've had to face to date have taken a toll I guess. Either way, I found myself kind of sinking you could say. Fears began to creep in. The fear that this extension would somehow change his plans for us came to mind first. "What if he gets tired of waiting?" That thought hit me like a brick wall. I love M with everything that I am...but his patience, especially with things he wants, tends to run extremely short. Sure, I know that I am not the cause of him having to wait but let's face it...Our privacy and alone time is already limited. I am not able to serve him as I should so the question of "What if he gets tired of me being unable to serve him because of it?" pops into my head. Like I said...insecurities, a bunch of them.
Insecurities will kill the best of relationships. I've seen it before. But I've been trying to figure out how to best deal with that. How does one overcome that with everything in the way? Trust. Without it, we won't make it. I have to trust in him and his word. I have to trust that he will guide us through this so that we come out better than before. He's in this as much as I am, he knows what we are getting into. I have to trust that he will make the right decisions.
So...that is what I am going to do. I've built up a really good hand with him. I'm going to give myself over to trust, go all in with him and let the cards land where they may. Insecurity may be sitting on something good there across the table but then...for all he knows, I'm sitting here with a royal flush...
The past week has been an arduous one. There have been changes in our schedules, the ending of the school semester for him and then the offer of a co-op with a company there at home that would basically start his career off on an extremely good foot. That last part was a really good thing, I'm extremely happy for him and so very proud of what he's been able to accomplish. The problem is of course is now having to quickly change lanes from the plans we had been setting to a whole new lane. It will extend his schooling by another 6 months and will of course make things there a little more permanent at least for the next year. It also means him having to set up new living arrangements neither of us had accounted for initially. Just a lot at once and the biggest being the extended separation.
I found myself, while happy for him, extremely scared as to what it would mean for us. I am not by nature a very insecure person. Generally I am pretty confident but with the issues we've had to face to date have taken a toll I guess. Either way, I found myself kind of sinking you could say. Fears began to creep in. The fear that this extension would somehow change his plans for us came to mind first. "What if he gets tired of waiting?" That thought hit me like a brick wall. I love M with everything that I am...but his patience, especially with things he wants, tends to run extremely short. Sure, I know that I am not the cause of him having to wait but let's face it...Our privacy and alone time is already limited. I am not able to serve him as I should so the question of "What if he gets tired of me being unable to serve him because of it?" pops into my head. Like I said...insecurities, a bunch of them.
Insecurities will kill the best of relationships. I've seen it before. But I've been trying to figure out how to best deal with that. How does one overcome that with everything in the way? Trust. Without it, we won't make it. I have to trust in him and his word. I have to trust that he will guide us through this so that we come out better than before. He's in this as much as I am, he knows what we are getting into. I have to trust that he will make the right decisions.
So...that is what I am going to do. I've built up a really good hand with him. I'm going to give myself over to trust, go all in with him and let the cards land where they may. Insecurity may be sitting on something good there across the table but then...for all he knows, I'm sitting here with a royal flush...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Deleted Post
I posted early and for those who missed it I am sorry. I deleted it. After much thinking, I decided that really is not what I wanted to do.
I will not take back what I've said and asked. I was told I need to be open and communicate my thoughts. If I don't, then I get in trouble for "closing myself off" or whatever. I've been pretty forth coming, doing what I've been told to do...be open and share what I am thinking. If it offended...well...be careful what you wish for.
But...I apologize for any confusion the deletion of the post may have caused. Please bear with me while I try to reorganize myself.
I will not take back what I've said and asked. I was told I need to be open and communicate my thoughts. If I don't, then I get in trouble for "closing myself off" or whatever. I've been pretty forth coming, doing what I've been told to do...be open and share what I am thinking. If it offended...well...be careful what you wish for.
But...I apologize for any confusion the deletion of the post may have caused. Please bear with me while I try to reorganize myself.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Bless the Broken Road
On May 29, 2009, A man whom I considered a very close friend and I were presented with a unique opportunity. He was a budding Dominant and was beginning his exploration into the world of D/s. I was an unattached submissive who’d been traveling that road for 3 years and while some parts were rough, I stayed the course. After endless conversations and contemplation on both parties. I saw intriguing potential, a glimpse into the person he typically tried to hide from everyone else. I wanted to see what he’d become if given the chance to really spread his wings so to speak. He saw a chance to get his feet wet. The fact that we were long distance was weighed but we threw caution to the wind. On the day above, for seperately but equally selfish reasons, I gave my submission to him and he gladly accepted on the basis of trial and error…testing the waters so to speak to see what would come of it all.
The first three months were..interesting to say the least. We both had to adjust to each other. Me to his style of dominance and he to the submissive I was. We spent time learning each other, testing boundry lines and just really getting to know each other on a completely different level then we had before. He proved to be quite natural in his leading, his hand firm and his mind always a few steps ahead of me. His endless knowledge intrigued me, his wit and humor captivated me and I found trusting him was incredibly easy. The trust part of course had come into play well before, something built over time as a friend but now the bounds were strengthening. More importantly I found myself feeling something I said I refused to allow myself to feel again. I was falling head over heels.
Then, reality began to settle back in and life began proving to be a more fickle bitch than it ever had before. Over the course of the next several months our relationship had been put through every test imaginable from the loss of loved ones, financial difficulties, cancellations of plans and…trust issues. During these times I found myself completely in love, looking at him more than just my Master or Dominant. But he did not make it easy. He kept me at arms length, he kept everyone at arms length. He broke my heart more times than I can count during this time yet…there was something holding me there. I found myself unable to walk away. Perhaps it was stupidity, some friends even suggested that very thing but somewhere, in the deepest part of me I could not tear myself away.
Right before the trip in March, I found myself at a pinnacle. I mentally had gone through enough and my heart was raw from my stubborness. After months of waiting, he was finally going to be here. I was excited and scared shitless at the same time. I honestly felt he and I were on the verge of ending…I was considering it heavily but said the vacation was my last ditch effort. Either he’d step up to he plate and be the Dominant I needed and knew he could be or…I’d walk. That very thought broke my heart into a thousand pieces. But, then he arrived. The moment he stepped through the airline gates and smiled at me it was over. I knew without a doubt he was where I was supposed to be. When he hugged me, I was home.
Those few days did turn the tide. For the first time in my whole life, I felt whole. For the first time since I’d started my journey into TTWD, my service and submission made complete sense. There were no questions and I found I did not have to force it, any of it. I found pride in my submission and understood what other submissives had been trying to tell me. Funny thing is though…he found solid footing in his dominance and in his love for me. I can’t speak for his ex’s, but I did see a side of him that I’d never seen in all the while I’d known him. One that, the belief in, had kept me planted to his side despite any of the bad times we’d gone through.
On May 29, 2010 M and I make a solid year. Had you told me a few months ago we’d get this far I would have probably spit in your face and called you a liar. But, we have and I’ve never been more sure that this is where I am meant to be. He has become so much more than just my Master or Dominant. He is my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend and my future Husband. I look back over the very rocky path we’ve had to travel to get here and ya know what? Every step, every broken heart, every sleepless night…it was all worth it. My heart was right in fighting and never giving up. We’ve found something rare and seriously sought after. Everyday he proves to be the Master I knew he was capable of and more. I can only hope that no matter what, my service measures up to that.
Thank you M for being just as stubborn, if not more, for being you and for being selfish enough to want to get your feet wet. God did bless our broken road...
The first three months were..interesting to say the least. We both had to adjust to each other. Me to his style of dominance and he to the submissive I was. We spent time learning each other, testing boundry lines and just really getting to know each other on a completely different level then we had before. He proved to be quite natural in his leading, his hand firm and his mind always a few steps ahead of me. His endless knowledge intrigued me, his wit and humor captivated me and I found trusting him was incredibly easy. The trust part of course had come into play well before, something built over time as a friend but now the bounds were strengthening. More importantly I found myself feeling something I said I refused to allow myself to feel again. I was falling head over heels.
Then, reality began to settle back in and life began proving to be a more fickle bitch than it ever had before. Over the course of the next several months our relationship had been put through every test imaginable from the loss of loved ones, financial difficulties, cancellations of plans and…trust issues. During these times I found myself completely in love, looking at him more than just my Master or Dominant. But he did not make it easy. He kept me at arms length, he kept everyone at arms length. He broke my heart more times than I can count during this time yet…there was something holding me there. I found myself unable to walk away. Perhaps it was stupidity, some friends even suggested that very thing but somewhere, in the deepest part of me I could not tear myself away.
Right before the trip in March, I found myself at a pinnacle. I mentally had gone through enough and my heart was raw from my stubborness. After months of waiting, he was finally going to be here. I was excited and scared shitless at the same time. I honestly felt he and I were on the verge of ending…I was considering it heavily but said the vacation was my last ditch effort. Either he’d step up to he plate and be the Dominant I needed and knew he could be or…I’d walk. That very thought broke my heart into a thousand pieces. But, then he arrived. The moment he stepped through the airline gates and smiled at me it was over. I knew without a doubt he was where I was supposed to be. When he hugged me, I was home.
Those few days did turn the tide. For the first time in my whole life, I felt whole. For the first time since I’d started my journey into TTWD, my service and submission made complete sense. There were no questions and I found I did not have to force it, any of it. I found pride in my submission and understood what other submissives had been trying to tell me. Funny thing is though…he found solid footing in his dominance and in his love for me. I can’t speak for his ex’s, but I did see a side of him that I’d never seen in all the while I’d known him. One that, the belief in, had kept me planted to his side despite any of the bad times we’d gone through.
On May 29, 2010 M and I make a solid year. Had you told me a few months ago we’d get this far I would have probably spit in your face and called you a liar. But, we have and I’ve never been more sure that this is where I am meant to be. He has become so much more than just my Master or Dominant. He is my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend and my future Husband. I look back over the very rocky path we’ve had to travel to get here and ya know what? Every step, every broken heart, every sleepless night…it was all worth it. My heart was right in fighting and never giving up. We’ve found something rare and seriously sought after. Everyday he proves to be the Master I knew he was capable of and more. I can only hope that no matter what, my service measures up to that.
Thank you M for being just as stubborn, if not more, for being you and for being selfish enough to want to get your feet wet. God did bless our broken road...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Ups and Downs
Today's been an ok day I'd guess. I've had ups and downs emotionally. It sucks really. BUT!!! I do have some random thoughts to share...
No. 1 - Do NOT watch Lost right before bed when you're dropping. At least not unless you have really good sleep drugs haha. Makes for not so pleasant, messed up dreams.
No. 2 - We know there are people with cameras every where now days. Where the hell were the fashion police when this woman left the house???
I mean really...I won't even go into the surgical procedure needed to remove the shorts.
No. 1 - Do NOT watch Lost right before bed when you're dropping. At least not unless you have really good sleep drugs haha. Makes for not so pleasant, messed up dreams.
No. 2 - We know there are people with cameras every where now days. Where the hell were the fashion police when this woman left the house???
I mean really...I won't even go into the surgical procedure needed to remove the shorts.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Out of Sorts
Today on the whole was a good day, well by definition. I got to spend most of it with M, which anymore is a rare treat. I played hookie from work, house was quiet. I got the pleasure of being used twice...which is always a treat. We talked a good bit, including talking about making plans for our next trip.
The first one, while there was not real pushing...it was just him and I enjoying each other, was off. No no, not saying it was bad. Let's face it, M definitely hangs the moon and stars in my sky. No, it was not that. Instead, it was like reaching the outer limits of subspace, being close enough to taste it only to find myself hitting the brick wall of reality right after orgasm. It was weird, had definitely not ever happened before. But with that brick wall of reality came the heavy feelings I usually get during a drop. That sudden fear, the insatiable need to be close enough to him to be inside but with it an inexplicable feeling of depression and lost feeling. He did the usual after care, talking with me until the tears stopped and then some. Reassuring me of his pride in me and while it did help, it did not all go away.
I told him of my neediness and he welcomed it with open arms. He remained close for most of the afternoon and later on, when I told him of my need to be with him again...he complied. He's quite giving, but even then it is also a filling of his own need as well. That time, I reached the beautiful heights of subspace. Only difference? Typically I do not remember my trips there, usually I remember only up to a certain point of our sessions and then the next thing I know, I come to during aftercare. It's like waking up from sleep and having bits and pieces of a dream. It's surreal. But, today I know exactly where I was the whole time and have a clear, vivid memory of it all. That was the first time though that I've ever been used during a drop.
The remainder of my afternoon and evening were spent much in a fog though. I am having trouble putting real thoughts together. It's taken me a good 3 hours to write this. I probably should not be attempting this at all but I needed to get something out. Oh well...hopefully after a good night's sleep I will feel better and a little more put together. I just feel bad...I should be enjoying the aftermath of a good day...not feeling like this :(
The first one, while there was not real pushing...it was just him and I enjoying each other, was off. No no, not saying it was bad. Let's face it, M definitely hangs the moon and stars in my sky. No, it was not that. Instead, it was like reaching the outer limits of subspace, being close enough to taste it only to find myself hitting the brick wall of reality right after orgasm. It was weird, had definitely not ever happened before. But with that brick wall of reality came the heavy feelings I usually get during a drop. That sudden fear, the insatiable need to be close enough to him to be inside but with it an inexplicable feeling of depression and lost feeling. He did the usual after care, talking with me until the tears stopped and then some. Reassuring me of his pride in me and while it did help, it did not all go away.
I told him of my neediness and he welcomed it with open arms. He remained close for most of the afternoon and later on, when I told him of my need to be with him again...he complied. He's quite giving, but even then it is also a filling of his own need as well. That time, I reached the beautiful heights of subspace. Only difference? Typically I do not remember my trips there, usually I remember only up to a certain point of our sessions and then the next thing I know, I come to during aftercare. It's like waking up from sleep and having bits and pieces of a dream. It's surreal. But, today I know exactly where I was the whole time and have a clear, vivid memory of it all. That was the first time though that I've ever been used during a drop.
The remainder of my afternoon and evening were spent much in a fog though. I am having trouble putting real thoughts together. It's taken me a good 3 hours to write this. I probably should not be attempting this at all but I needed to get something out. Oh well...hopefully after a good night's sleep I will feel better and a little more put together. I just feel bad...I should be enjoying the aftermath of a good day...not feeling like this :(
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Just Be Still
The last couple of weeks have been a little rough. Those of you who read M's blog probably have come to that assumption. Life's been a little less than kind, issues coming from every direction it seems. But...today was probably one of the better days I've had in a while. Not because anything got solved, the plate is still more than full. But, I heard a song and it put a lot into perspective for me. I am not really one for country music but for some odd reason I was flipping through channels and stopped on one of the country stations here. Not really sure why, perhaps it was something higher doing the guidance but a song started and I found myself smiling. The song is called "Still" by Tim McGraw. I found the lyrics pretty profound.
We all know the stress of life. Jobs, Family, House, Bills, Kids...you name it, we all have them. That is just the normal side of life. Throw on the responsibilities of not just a relationship, but a D/s or TPE relationship and the pressure doubles. As a Dominant, you have all of that and then another life or whole person you are responsible for. For a Submissive, it's the same. You have all of those things and make sure it doesn't affect your service to your Dominant. Sure, any Dom will say all of that other stuff is worried about by me so no need for you to worry. But, if you are in a committed relationship...you both worry. It's the nature of the beast and part of being an adult.So we worry, run around trying to be superheros and tend to everything. But often, in our haste to tend to the needs and wants, we forget the need to just be still. To take the time to find that one happy place and recharge.
So, this evening I did just that. After my shower, I sat down with no real intentions of meditation but I let my mind find it's happy place. As a submissive, it was the last night of M and I's trip down in the city. The room was dark and we were in bed right before sleep and just talked. At the time, I remember thinking that very spot, curled up against his side, our legs intertwined and my head on his chest...there wasn't a view or place that could rival it. It was home and so very much more. But more importantly, for once during our trip...we were still.
I looked back at the clock and realized I had sat there for an hour. A WHOLE HOUR! Absolutely crazy I tell ya. But the cool thing about it? I felt calm, at peace for the first time in weeks...really for the first time since he boarded the plane to go back. Sure, I still have every last one of my issues to deal with on my plate but I've got a fork and knife now. It's just a matter of cutting it up and set about clearing my plate. And if I come to a point where it starts to overwhelm me again...I will just take another moment to just be still...
We all know the stress of life. Jobs, Family, House, Bills, Kids...you name it, we all have them. That is just the normal side of life. Throw on the responsibilities of not just a relationship, but a D/s or TPE relationship and the pressure doubles. As a Dominant, you have all of that and then another life or whole person you are responsible for. For a Submissive, it's the same. You have all of those things and make sure it doesn't affect your service to your Dominant. Sure, any Dom will say all of that other stuff is worried about by me so no need for you to worry. But, if you are in a committed relationship...you both worry. It's the nature of the beast and part of being an adult.So we worry, run around trying to be superheros and tend to everything. But often, in our haste to tend to the needs and wants, we forget the need to just be still. To take the time to find that one happy place and recharge.
So, this evening I did just that. After my shower, I sat down with no real intentions of meditation but I let my mind find it's happy place. As a submissive, it was the last night of M and I's trip down in the city. The room was dark and we were in bed right before sleep and just talked. At the time, I remember thinking that very spot, curled up against his side, our legs intertwined and my head on his chest...there wasn't a view or place that could rival it. It was home and so very much more. But more importantly, for once during our trip...we were still.
I looked back at the clock and realized I had sat there for an hour. A WHOLE HOUR! Absolutely crazy I tell ya. But the cool thing about it? I felt calm, at peace for the first time in weeks...really for the first time since he boarded the plane to go back. Sure, I still have every last one of my issues to deal with on my plate but I've got a fork and knife now. It's just a matter of cutting it up and set about clearing my plate. And if I come to a point where it starts to overwhelm me again...I will just take another moment to just be still...
Thursday, May 6, 2010
To be Romantic or Not be? That is the Question
"Many vanilla people are surprised to learn that S/M includes erotic spanks, scratches, and bites, which are amazingly common forms of erotic expression. They are also surprised to find out that S/M practitioners can fall in love, and that they enjoy conventional sex acts such as oral sex and intercourse."
~ Laura Goodwin of United Leatherfolk Of CT
The other day M and I ventured into a conversation on relationships and the topic of Romance came up. He made an apology to me for not being a very romantic person. That took me a little by surprise but it also got me to thinking. The quote above came to mind. At first I internally questioned why it would be such a shock, I mean outside of the normal “Well what’s romantic about whips, chains, floggers, rope??” But in essence, for many in TTWD…that’s it.
In normal, vanilla relationships we’ve all done the typical things. Candle light dinners, picnic in the park, perhaps rose petals in a bathtub with Barry White playing on the stereo. Whatever. But then, take our relationships. When viewed by the outside world, we already know we are stereo-typed. We could never do regular vanilla things. But the point is…we do. We all live normal lives, we venture out into society, we date, we get married, have children…you get the picture. So why would we not do romance as well?
My point of view, when looking at the world M and I are building for ourselves, we have all the vanilla aspects just as we do kink. Probably even more so than some others. We are starting out already with a child living in the home. So things will tend to run more on the “normal” or vanilla side of things until bed time. Before 9 PM, we are just M and J. Sure I will still call him Sir and will do my wifely/Submissive duties of serving his dinner, cleaning our home and making sure he has what he needs but there really will not be any “High Protocol” until after Ding is in bed.
But even still, we do the normal things such as cuddling on the couch or lay in bed and watch movies together. We still take showers together when we are able to do so. He still opens the door for me. Just our idea of romance doesn’t exactly run “Vanilla.” While it’s entirely possible to come home to find Ding out of the house for the night, a nice dinner planned out at a quiet restaurant only to return home to a candle lit bedroom and a nice hot drawn bath…sounds vanilla I know but that is where the “other side comes in. Ding is out of the house so we have the freedom to scene without having to wait for her bedtime or worry about her waking. The bath is so that I can ritualistically bathe us both before we play and the candles…well…who doesn’t like a little wax play? Hehe.
You get the picture, but it all boils down to the fact that we do indeed enjoy romance as much as our vanilla counterparts…just our view of romance is a little unskewed when in comparison. As with everything in TTWD, it is all a matter of perception.
~ Laura Goodwin of United Leatherfolk Of CT
The other day M and I ventured into a conversation on relationships and the topic of Romance came up. He made an apology to me for not being a very romantic person. That took me a little by surprise but it also got me to thinking. The quote above came to mind. At first I internally questioned why it would be such a shock, I mean outside of the normal “Well what’s romantic about whips, chains, floggers, rope??” But in essence, for many in TTWD…that’s it.
In normal, vanilla relationships we’ve all done the typical things. Candle light dinners, picnic in the park, perhaps rose petals in a bathtub with Barry White playing on the stereo. Whatever. But then, take our relationships. When viewed by the outside world, we already know we are stereo-typed. We could never do regular vanilla things. But the point is…we do. We all live normal lives, we venture out into society, we date, we get married, have children…you get the picture. So why would we not do romance as well?
My point of view, when looking at the world M and I are building for ourselves, we have all the vanilla aspects just as we do kink. Probably even more so than some others. We are starting out already with a child living in the home. So things will tend to run more on the “normal” or vanilla side of things until bed time. Before 9 PM, we are just M and J. Sure I will still call him Sir and will do my wifely/Submissive duties of serving his dinner, cleaning our home and making sure he has what he needs but there really will not be any “High Protocol” until after Ding is in bed.
But even still, we do the normal things such as cuddling on the couch or lay in bed and watch movies together. We still take showers together when we are able to do so. He still opens the door for me. Just our idea of romance doesn’t exactly run “Vanilla.” While it’s entirely possible to come home to find Ding out of the house for the night, a nice dinner planned out at a quiet restaurant only to return home to a candle lit bedroom and a nice hot drawn bath…sounds vanilla I know but that is where the “other side comes in. Ding is out of the house so we have the freedom to scene without having to wait for her bedtime or worry about her waking. The bath is so that I can ritualistically bathe us both before we play and the candles…well…who doesn’t like a little wax play? Hehe.
You get the picture, but it all boils down to the fact that we do indeed enjoy romance as much as our vanilla counterparts…just our view of romance is a little unskewed when in comparison. As with everything in TTWD, it is all a matter of perception.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Life's Lessons
Sometimes, whether we’d like to admit it or not, life gets in the way of our goals but for very good reasons. It’s all about teaching us lessons. We know through life, we learn a lot. I know me personally I learn something knew every day and it always comes from the major stresses that pop up.
Right now, I honestly believe I am being taught patience and appreciation. M and I have been busy making plans. Some are more generalized and some are very specific. The main one being that of starting a life and family together. We’ve been shown before that good things come to those who wait. We went through hell our first 8 months where life and other forces just kept getting in the way. Finally, without a hitch, he and I were together but it was then that we both came to realize what we both so truly wanted. We found a connection and love neither had anticipated and I for one can say I did not even think existed.
After that, we both thought we had taken the lesson learned then and we decided to push fate’s hand and rush. Well life has gotten in the way once again, proving that no matter how much we push…it all comes down to it’s own timing. So, we are both having to learn to cool our heels and enjoy the road that fate has set us upon. It’s all a check and balance act. If we all choose to really listen to life, we’d come to see that every hiccup no matter how big or small is a lesson to be learned.
I know that we are not wrong in our wants or where we are trying to get to. Life or Fate has done some pretty remarkable things to get the two of us where we are. It put us together in the same place so that we’d meet, it saw to it that we both desired, in one fashion or another, the same thing, it stayed our hands when obstacles popped up between us and held us together, it quickly mended broken hearts and hurt feelings caused by each other so that we would not so foolishly walk away.
Needless to say, Life has spoken pretty loudly about where I am meant to be. Now, I have to listen a little closer to find out how it plans for us to get there. But in the mean time, I get to enjoy the growing amount of appreciation I have for M and his presence in my life. I get to enjoy the feel of growing love that creates a new bloom on our rose bush. Small things that we tend to take for granted or forget years down the line in a relationship. Maybe, just Maybe, that is Life getting in the way so that neither of us take it for granted later….
Right now, I honestly believe I am being taught patience and appreciation. M and I have been busy making plans. Some are more generalized and some are very specific. The main one being that of starting a life and family together. We’ve been shown before that good things come to those who wait. We went through hell our first 8 months where life and other forces just kept getting in the way. Finally, without a hitch, he and I were together but it was then that we both came to realize what we both so truly wanted. We found a connection and love neither had anticipated and I for one can say I did not even think existed.
After that, we both thought we had taken the lesson learned then and we decided to push fate’s hand and rush. Well life has gotten in the way once again, proving that no matter how much we push…it all comes down to it’s own timing. So, we are both having to learn to cool our heels and enjoy the road that fate has set us upon. It’s all a check and balance act. If we all choose to really listen to life, we’d come to see that every hiccup no matter how big or small is a lesson to be learned.
I know that we are not wrong in our wants or where we are trying to get to. Life or Fate has done some pretty remarkable things to get the two of us where we are. It put us together in the same place so that we’d meet, it saw to it that we both desired, in one fashion or another, the same thing, it stayed our hands when obstacles popped up between us and held us together, it quickly mended broken hearts and hurt feelings caused by each other so that we would not so foolishly walk away.
Needless to say, Life has spoken pretty loudly about where I am meant to be. Now, I have to listen a little closer to find out how it plans for us to get there. But in the mean time, I get to enjoy the growing amount of appreciation I have for M and his presence in my life. I get to enjoy the feel of growing love that creates a new bloom on our rose bush. Small things that we tend to take for granted or forget years down the line in a relationship. Maybe, just Maybe, that is Life getting in the way so that neither of us take it for granted later….
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Changes, Growth and Trust
We’re all aware that in a relationship you have to have all three. But I think the thing that gets lost in the translation a lot is that we have to trust each other through the changes that help us grow. It’s an important lesson and something we all need to be reminded of from time to time.
Changes are sometimes (more often than not in my own humble opinion) scary as shit. We become accustomed to certain behaviors, certain routines that get established without actually being “established.” We get comfortable in the happy phases, or honey moon phase as some call it, in the beginning of a relationship. We allow ourselves to get in touch with the idea “I don’t think it could get any better than this.” But then, as you start to get into the thick of it, things begin to change.
Why? Because as individuals, we are always growing. That is a fact of life…Life is a constant learning experience. With these new learned experiences, we grow as individuals. Our horizons expand and we find interests in so many other avenues. This is extremely prevalent in our lifestyle. At the very first munch I went to, a comment was made that has always stuck with me. I was asked what my bdsm interests were and before I could respond, one of the women smiled and said “Don’t worry hun, no need to think to hard because a year from now they won’t be the same as they are now.” That still comes back up to mock me from time to time…ask M. Just in the year we’ve been together, my limits have changed and I’ve become more interested in things that were huge NO NO’s when we first started talking. But that is just one small facet…the point being we all are constantly finding new pieces of ourselves. We’re like trees, you prune it back and by the next year, there are a dozen new limbs.
With this growth, we begin changing. We have to, in order to accommodate the new growth, we have to morph…change into a “new skin.” But we often forget that with our own personal growth, we’ve made commitments to our significant others…may they be your submissive, your Master, your top or just plain old vanilla partner. When we enter a relationship and we dignify it as such, we make that commitment that with our growth, we will grow with that person. This is where communication really plays a major role. It is our duty to communicate these changes or growths as they begin to happen. Allow the person you are with share in the amazement we, ourselves, find in these changes. As they share in our person growth, they grow as well…in turn, the relationship begins to grow and change.
In order to communicate these new things, we have to be willing to trust the person we are with to support and encourage us in our growth. We all know that without trust, you do not really have a relationship. That’s a given. But sometimes, we get into a spot where we don’t trust ourselves enough either. Case in point, M and I had an issue come up yesterday. I had been trying to deal with some of my own issues by myself. I’ve still not completely recovered emotionally from the miscarriage (it’s has not been 2 weeks yet and while I feel ok and can talk about it…I still deal with moments of depression and heart break). This has been a huge issue because he is handling very well and I began thinking that perhaps I was crazy for still having grief over it. He has school, finals will be coming up, projects are due and he is preparing for his final semester. So he’s been busy, which in my hormonal state I began taking it as him pulling away (Good example of he is changing with his school growth, so our schedules change. He doesn’t have as much time so things get cut out of our daily routines.) I’ve had issues come up with my ex and my daughter, and then my job has taken a turn for the worse. I did not want to put more on his plate because of school, I didn’t want to tell him that I was still having issues with the miscarriage for fear he’d think there was something wrong with me…just a myriad of things.
The deal killer here though, was I began to realize I wasn’t carrying everything so well on my own. The scary thing that hit me was that I began to realize I desperately needed him. I had changed during the course of the last year, no longer was I completely this solely independent person. I depend on him for a lot, he’s my Dominant. He has become the rock in which my world has been built upon. Now, no that is not meaning I’m this helpless little thing with no brain. That isn’t it at all. As a submissive, we change as our submission deepens. We relinquish control of decisions and carrying burdensome every day life alone up to them. It isn’t easy…suddenly realizing that you NEED someone else.
But in realizing this, I wasn’t trusting myself with this new found growth to say something and in turn, wasn’t trusting him to handle this growth or the burden of my life either. In my own self doubt, I allowed that to turn into a mistrust of the entire situation. In my growth of dependence and deepening of my own submission, I felt myself a burden. I saw it as something more to add to his plate. And with that, it spiraled down to he was pulling away because it was too much to bear. When in truth, I was doing the exact same thing…pulling away. Do you realize how incredibly scary that is? I literally gave myself an anxiety attack and the crappy thing is it could all have been avoided had I just trusted myself enough from the get go and turned to him.
We’ve talked it out but the moral of the story kids is that in all of this, we are changing, we are growing but we have to trust each other to handle and accept that changes as they have the rest of who we each are. For me, my relationship with M is the most important thing. We are looking at taking what we are further, we are making plans for the future. I am committing myself to him not only as a submissive or his woman, but I am committing to our growth together, to seeing him through both good times and bad. The only way either of us are going to be able to do this is to trust blindly at times and to grow with each other instead of apart. I know it will not always be easy, there are things we are going to argue about and we may even annoy the crap out of each other at times. But, at the end of the day we both have to remember that it is the health and growth of our relationship that is the most important thing…that our personal growth affects the other and if we only let the other grow with us…then we grow as a couple, making US stronger in the long run.
Changes are sometimes (more often than not in my own humble opinion) scary as shit. We become accustomed to certain behaviors, certain routines that get established without actually being “established.” We get comfortable in the happy phases, or honey moon phase as some call it, in the beginning of a relationship. We allow ourselves to get in touch with the idea “I don’t think it could get any better than this.” But then, as you start to get into the thick of it, things begin to change.
Why? Because as individuals, we are always growing. That is a fact of life…Life is a constant learning experience. With these new learned experiences, we grow as individuals. Our horizons expand and we find interests in so many other avenues. This is extremely prevalent in our lifestyle. At the very first munch I went to, a comment was made that has always stuck with me. I was asked what my bdsm interests were and before I could respond, one of the women smiled and said “Don’t worry hun, no need to think to hard because a year from now they won’t be the same as they are now.” That still comes back up to mock me from time to time…ask M. Just in the year we’ve been together, my limits have changed and I’ve become more interested in things that were huge NO NO’s when we first started talking. But that is just one small facet…the point being we all are constantly finding new pieces of ourselves. We’re like trees, you prune it back and by the next year, there are a dozen new limbs.
With this growth, we begin changing. We have to, in order to accommodate the new growth, we have to morph…change into a “new skin.” But we often forget that with our own personal growth, we’ve made commitments to our significant others…may they be your submissive, your Master, your top or just plain old vanilla partner. When we enter a relationship and we dignify it as such, we make that commitment that with our growth, we will grow with that person. This is where communication really plays a major role. It is our duty to communicate these changes or growths as they begin to happen. Allow the person you are with share in the amazement we, ourselves, find in these changes. As they share in our person growth, they grow as well…in turn, the relationship begins to grow and change.
In order to communicate these new things, we have to be willing to trust the person we are with to support and encourage us in our growth. We all know that without trust, you do not really have a relationship. That’s a given. But sometimes, we get into a spot where we don’t trust ourselves enough either. Case in point, M and I had an issue come up yesterday. I had been trying to deal with some of my own issues by myself. I’ve still not completely recovered emotionally from the miscarriage (it’s has not been 2 weeks yet and while I feel ok and can talk about it…I still deal with moments of depression and heart break). This has been a huge issue because he is handling very well and I began thinking that perhaps I was crazy for still having grief over it. He has school, finals will be coming up, projects are due and he is preparing for his final semester. So he’s been busy, which in my hormonal state I began taking it as him pulling away (Good example of he is changing with his school growth, so our schedules change. He doesn’t have as much time so things get cut out of our daily routines.) I’ve had issues come up with my ex and my daughter, and then my job has taken a turn for the worse. I did not want to put more on his plate because of school, I didn’t want to tell him that I was still having issues with the miscarriage for fear he’d think there was something wrong with me…just a myriad of things.
The deal killer here though, was I began to realize I wasn’t carrying everything so well on my own. The scary thing that hit me was that I began to realize I desperately needed him. I had changed during the course of the last year, no longer was I completely this solely independent person. I depend on him for a lot, he’s my Dominant. He has become the rock in which my world has been built upon. Now, no that is not meaning I’m this helpless little thing with no brain. That isn’t it at all. As a submissive, we change as our submission deepens. We relinquish control of decisions and carrying burdensome every day life alone up to them. It isn’t easy…suddenly realizing that you NEED someone else.
But in realizing this, I wasn’t trusting myself with this new found growth to say something and in turn, wasn’t trusting him to handle this growth or the burden of my life either. In my own self doubt, I allowed that to turn into a mistrust of the entire situation. In my growth of dependence and deepening of my own submission, I felt myself a burden. I saw it as something more to add to his plate. And with that, it spiraled down to he was pulling away because it was too much to bear. When in truth, I was doing the exact same thing…pulling away. Do you realize how incredibly scary that is? I literally gave myself an anxiety attack and the crappy thing is it could all have been avoided had I just trusted myself enough from the get go and turned to him.
We’ve talked it out but the moral of the story kids is that in all of this, we are changing, we are growing but we have to trust each other to handle and accept that changes as they have the rest of who we each are. For me, my relationship with M is the most important thing. We are looking at taking what we are further, we are making plans for the future. I am committing myself to him not only as a submissive or his woman, but I am committing to our growth together, to seeing him through both good times and bad. The only way either of us are going to be able to do this is to trust blindly at times and to grow with each other instead of apart. I know it will not always be easy, there are things we are going to argue about and we may even annoy the crap out of each other at times. But, at the end of the day we both have to remember that it is the health and growth of our relationship that is the most important thing…that our personal growth affects the other and if we only let the other grow with us…then we grow as a couple, making US stronger in the long run.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Rape is Rape
Today for the first time, I read a post on The Submissive Guide that I did not agree with. Actually it pretty much turned my stomach. Of course, it was not posted by Luna but by a guest blogger. The title was "Pyschological Aspect of Consentual Rape." She starts off well and fine. The fact that she comments that the term "Consentual Rape" is an oxymoron. It very very much is. But for the post on the whole, the title did not really fit that body and well...I found it to be a lot of her own twisted musings...not very educational on the topic at hand.
She laid out the aspects of Forced Fantasy, basically doing a rape scene/roleplay. That I can understand. But where she lost me is where she went into what she referred to as the other type of Consentual Rape. She outlines that because of her signing a contract, that it is ok even if she does not want it and is literally begging, screaming and crying for him to stop...that is considered consentual.
One one hand I get what she is trying to say. I'm submissive too remember. I know full well what it means to hand over all control to someone else. But by the same token, when I handed it over and signed a contract of my own, M also had responsibilities in there to protect my physical, mental and emotional well being.
I'm going to assume the woman who made this blog post is either A) never been a victim of rape or B) has basically been brainwashed and broken beyond what is healthy...in my own opinion. Me personally? I was a victim of rape. At the age of 13 years old I was raped. I know what it's like to live with that. I spent time in couseling for it and have moved on to becoming a support counselor for a local high school in my community to teach awareness and such to other young women. I've personally watched it destroy other girls the same way it threatened to ruin me.
In an earlier post, I also commented on a situation that was very similar to what this blogger described. Number one difference...I accepted his treatment at that time. I did not yell, scream and beg him to stop.
In this lifestyle, because of situations like consentual non-consent we all have to be very weary...not just dominants but submissives alike. One important rule we all must remember, regardless of what is put in our contracts, the law is the law and Rape or Abuse is still very much RAPE and ABUSE. If a dominant crosses the line and you repeatedly reject that advance...this is no longer a situation of power exchange, this is plain old rape. Like it or not.
Sadly, there are people in this lifestyle that try to disquise cruel, attrocious behavior by calling it dominance just as there are people who try to ease their own conscious by saying "well I agreed to be a doormat." The truth of the matter is you agreed to be a submissive just as he agreed to protect you from harm...even from himself. No excuses.
M knows my stance on this whole situation. We have even discussed at some point setting up a rape scene. And my body is there for him to use as he pleases. But by the same token he is aware of making sure he does not hurt me in an irrepairable way. Of course, for him...even on the worst of my days, all he has to do is smile at me or tell me to get naked and I am more than ready to go. But, then he cares enough to not just go around raping me to have his way...instead, he pushes my buttons the way a true Dom should. He pushes me past the "I don't want to" stage in a gentle way so that in the end, I am literally begging him to fuck me.
She laid out the aspects of Forced Fantasy, basically doing a rape scene/roleplay. That I can understand. But where she lost me is where she went into what she referred to as the other type of Consentual Rape. She outlines that because of her signing a contract, that it is ok even if she does not want it and is literally begging, screaming and crying for him to stop...that is considered consentual.
One one hand I get what she is trying to say. I'm submissive too remember. I know full well what it means to hand over all control to someone else. But by the same token, when I handed it over and signed a contract of my own, M also had responsibilities in there to protect my physical, mental and emotional well being.
I'm going to assume the woman who made this blog post is either A) never been a victim of rape or B) has basically been brainwashed and broken beyond what is healthy...in my own opinion. Me personally? I was a victim of rape. At the age of 13 years old I was raped. I know what it's like to live with that. I spent time in couseling for it and have moved on to becoming a support counselor for a local high school in my community to teach awareness and such to other young women. I've personally watched it destroy other girls the same way it threatened to ruin me.
In an earlier post, I also commented on a situation that was very similar to what this blogger described. Number one difference...I accepted his treatment at that time. I did not yell, scream and beg him to stop.
In this lifestyle, because of situations like consentual non-consent we all have to be very weary...not just dominants but submissives alike. One important rule we all must remember, regardless of what is put in our contracts, the law is the law and Rape or Abuse is still very much RAPE and ABUSE. If a dominant crosses the line and you repeatedly reject that advance...this is no longer a situation of power exchange, this is plain old rape. Like it or not.
Sadly, there are people in this lifestyle that try to disquise cruel, attrocious behavior by calling it dominance just as there are people who try to ease their own conscious by saying "well I agreed to be a doormat." The truth of the matter is you agreed to be a submissive just as he agreed to protect you from harm...even from himself. No excuses.
M knows my stance on this whole situation. We have even discussed at some point setting up a rape scene. And my body is there for him to use as he pleases. But by the same token he is aware of making sure he does not hurt me in an irrepairable way. Of course, for him...even on the worst of my days, all he has to do is smile at me or tell me to get naked and I am more than ready to go. But, then he cares enough to not just go around raping me to have his way...instead, he pushes my buttons the way a true Dom should. He pushes me past the "I don't want to" stage in a gentle way so that in the end, I am literally begging him to fuck me.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Restless
So, I’ve been tossing over and over in my mind as to what I should write about. I haven’t in a few days. Given the circumstances, I just really have not been in much of a mood to really get into blogging. If you want brutal honesty, I have no clue as to what I should be writing on today.
It’s been extremely rough. I am on this emotional rollercoaster that does not seem to have an end…just constantly going. Until today, it was very much the same…some moments have been good and I’ve found myself smiling at times. Then the very next, I find myself crashing into this invisible brick wall and I find the pain and depression is so heavy on me that I begin to think I can not take it. The doctor of course expected this and gave me anti-depressants to cope. But seriously? I can’t take them. I’ve never been one for pills to begin with and really they just zombify me. I literally just find myself sitting there, zoning out and completely numb. Who wants to be that way? Personally, I’d prefer the pain to the numb…not feeling can be even worse.
Here the last couple of days, Anxiety attacks have reared their ugly heads. Those are SOOOO much fun! *wipes the sarcasm off of her chin* As if the sadness and heart break were not enough…unexaplained fear, panic, hyperventilations, phantom chest pains, nausea all get tossed on the top. I’ve spoken with a few friends who are grief counselors. They’ve all assured me it’s extremely normal, it’s all part of the process. They said anger would also set in and I’d have to say they’re right.
Today I’ve found myself angry over the smallest of things, no patience what so ever, short. One thing set me off this morning and that was it. I’ve spent much of the rest of the day restless, antsy. I’ve even kept pretty quiet with M. Not trying to pull back, just saving myself from getting in trouble I guess. Last person I need to snap at is him. Of course…all of this leads to guilt. We all know the routine. Something throws us off, we become emotional, we begin questioning everything even if we have an answer, we feel bad when we question our Dom yet we do it anyway then we feel horrible because then we begin questioning our submission. Not so much our submission to them…just ourselves as submissives. It’s all a vicious cycle really.
I do know one thing. I am ready to not feel like this. Sadly, there is no wonder pill that can do that, no magic word. It takes time. I get that. For now, I’ve banned myself from reading several blogs that I follow, no sappy or sad movies (sucks because I love dramas), limited TV, limited music and…I only talk about it when I have to. Maybe not the best course of action…but for now, it’s working I guess.
It’s been extremely rough. I am on this emotional rollercoaster that does not seem to have an end…just constantly going. Until today, it was very much the same…some moments have been good and I’ve found myself smiling at times. Then the very next, I find myself crashing into this invisible brick wall and I find the pain and depression is so heavy on me that I begin to think I can not take it. The doctor of course expected this and gave me anti-depressants to cope. But seriously? I can’t take them. I’ve never been one for pills to begin with and really they just zombify me. I literally just find myself sitting there, zoning out and completely numb. Who wants to be that way? Personally, I’d prefer the pain to the numb…not feeling can be even worse.
Here the last couple of days, Anxiety attacks have reared their ugly heads. Those are SOOOO much fun! *wipes the sarcasm off of her chin* As if the sadness and heart break were not enough…unexaplained fear, panic, hyperventilations, phantom chest pains, nausea all get tossed on the top. I’ve spoken with a few friends who are grief counselors. They’ve all assured me it’s extremely normal, it’s all part of the process. They said anger would also set in and I’d have to say they’re right.
Today I’ve found myself angry over the smallest of things, no patience what so ever, short. One thing set me off this morning and that was it. I’ve spent much of the rest of the day restless, antsy. I’ve even kept pretty quiet with M. Not trying to pull back, just saving myself from getting in trouble I guess. Last person I need to snap at is him. Of course…all of this leads to guilt. We all know the routine. Something throws us off, we become emotional, we begin questioning everything even if we have an answer, we feel bad when we question our Dom yet we do it anyway then we feel horrible because then we begin questioning our submission. Not so much our submission to them…just ourselves as submissives. It’s all a vicious cycle really.
I do know one thing. I am ready to not feel like this. Sadly, there is no wonder pill that can do that, no magic word. It takes time. I get that. For now, I’ve banned myself from reading several blogs that I follow, no sappy or sad movies (sucks because I love dramas), limited TV, limited music and…I only talk about it when I have to. Maybe not the best course of action…but for now, it’s working I guess.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Loss...
They say when life gives you lemons to make lemonade. What if instead life drowns you in the blink of an eye with rotten lemons? That was this past weekend. For most of you reading this, you were not aware of the fact that M and I have been dealing with a pregnancy issue the last almost 2 weeks. After two negative home tests we still were not sure. I was having too many of the classic symptoms, text book almost. Perhaps I should have listened to that. *Shrugs* I made an appointment with the Doctors that was set for today and was mentally preparing myself for another “No.” I did not want to get excited over this as I’ve had issues in the past. I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. I had already been told that my chances of getting pregnant were extremely minimal to almost non-existant. But, deep down…I was ecstatic. Towards the end of the week last week I was beginning to acclimate myself to the fact that it was 99.9% sure. I had found myself rubbing over my stomach and grinning like the cheshire cat…when alone mind you. M and I began discussing names and trying to plan but not plan…if that makes sense. I still could not fully give in to that “OMG WE’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!” feeling that was internally eatting at me. I had even began affectionately referring to it as Bean. (M was adament that would NOT be sticking lol.)
Friday started off all wrong. I woke with this ungodly bad feeling in my stomach. I was emotionally off and no matter what, the day seemed to just get worse as the minutes ticked by. I cried almost all day off and on. After lunch I received news from M on an offer he had received. It’s a good offer, one which would give him a good start on his career. It would keep him in Florida much longer though…which given what we both knew was coming on Monday…would create a problem. It would leave me here during the pregnancy and most of the baby’s first year alone…without him. I suddenly saw myself and the baby as a hinderance to him. It literally broke my heart because I knew I could not let him throw what he’d worked so hard to achieve the last few years at school. For a split second, I regretted the possibility of being pregnant. I allowed myself to get too worked up, dropped my sugar well below where it should be and had to struggle to keep from hyperventilating. It was a double edged sword and either way I looked at it…just wasn’t good.
By that evening, a dull cramping began setting in. It started out as the feeling of my stomach muscles down in my lower abdomen were tightening up…almost like when you’ve done way too many crunches. There were small spasms and I attributed it to the stress and all from during the day. In hindsight, I probably should have gone to the hospital I’d guess. Instead, I stayed up late then went to bed. I woke Saturday morning to find the cramping had increased…a lot. I called the doctor’s office and thank god he was there. He advised me that, if I were indeed pregnant, cramping was often normal, to keep an eye on it, don’t go doing anything strenuous and that if the cramping should get worse or spotting occurred to give him a call. I went on about my business, writing my email then setting off to do my stuff to get ready for my party that night. I got the call from one of my sisters that my mother was having a seizure, paramedics were on the way and they would be going to the hospital. My mother didn’t have a history of seizures. So much for taking it easy right? Despite the fact that my cramps were indeed getting a little more uncomfortable than they had been, I rushed to get out the house and get to the hospital.
I spent most of my day there with my mom and sisters, not letting my cramping get to me. By Saturday night, when I was home, I began to suspect what was going on. There was no spotting, at least not until roughly about 5 am. It was faint, incredibly so…so I let it ride and went back to sleep. I was so incredibly sleepy despite the pain. By the time I woke on Sunday morning for Church, the pain had increased and so had the spotting. I called my doctor as I knew he was on call for the weekend. He knew about my mom at this point (he’s like the family OB…kinky I know.) He said he wanted me to come in to see him when I got to the hospital…
I found out at 9:45 am on April 11, 2010 that I was indeed pregnant but at the same time was told that because of the blood test done on Friday, the cramping and bleeding I was getting was what I feared the worse. My hormone levels were not where they should be to sustain a pregnancy and my HcG levels were not where they should be either…they were just barely registering a positive pregnancy. My exam at the hospital officially confirmed that I was indeed miscarrying. At only 4 weeks and 1 day, Bean was gone…
Over the last two days, I’ve gone through a lot of self blame, searching for a reason or an answer. I haven’t found one. Sometimes the pain in my chest is almost unbearable. My hand still occassionaly stray down and the tears start all over again. Work has been hard to concentrate on and keeping up the calm, cool and collected daughter that my mom knows is hard. She is home now but is not quite ready health wise to hear the news. M has been his usual self, always the pillar of strength. He’s been incredibly reassuring and to repay him…I’ve snapped at him. I don’t mean to and really…it just hurts worse when I do it. He doesn’t really understand my feelings on this because…well…I don’t know why. I don’t understand the lack of…He’s trying to do what he thinks is best for us, for me and struggling because he can’t just fix it. Unfortunately he can not…a mother’s grief is not easily fixed. Bean may not have made it to a point of officially hearing a heart beat, he may not have had arms and legs…but he still had a heart.
I know…you cynical people are sitting there thinking “well it didn’t even have a determined sex yet.” To you, I say shut up and go read something else. To me, HE and yes…I know without a doubt in my heart it was a boy…was just as much alive as my 6 year old.
So…that is where I am right now. Angry, hurting beyond belief, feeling alone and lost, confused. I’m trying to keep it together but at times I find myself losing that battle. The doctor gave me pills to help but…I’ve never been one for drugs and really..they just make me feel numb. I need to be able to get myself over this grief…and I know I will. I did with my Dad’s death, I will with this death too. M says we will get through this and be better for it. I know he is right… Just…sometimes one wonders when you feel like the pain is suffocating you….
Friday started off all wrong. I woke with this ungodly bad feeling in my stomach. I was emotionally off and no matter what, the day seemed to just get worse as the minutes ticked by. I cried almost all day off and on. After lunch I received news from M on an offer he had received. It’s a good offer, one which would give him a good start on his career. It would keep him in Florida much longer though…which given what we both knew was coming on Monday…would create a problem. It would leave me here during the pregnancy and most of the baby’s first year alone…without him. I suddenly saw myself and the baby as a hinderance to him. It literally broke my heart because I knew I could not let him throw what he’d worked so hard to achieve the last few years at school. For a split second, I regretted the possibility of being pregnant. I allowed myself to get too worked up, dropped my sugar well below where it should be and had to struggle to keep from hyperventilating. It was a double edged sword and either way I looked at it…just wasn’t good.
By that evening, a dull cramping began setting in. It started out as the feeling of my stomach muscles down in my lower abdomen were tightening up…almost like when you’ve done way too many crunches. There were small spasms and I attributed it to the stress and all from during the day. In hindsight, I probably should have gone to the hospital I’d guess. Instead, I stayed up late then went to bed. I woke Saturday morning to find the cramping had increased…a lot. I called the doctor’s office and thank god he was there. He advised me that, if I were indeed pregnant, cramping was often normal, to keep an eye on it, don’t go doing anything strenuous and that if the cramping should get worse or spotting occurred to give him a call. I went on about my business, writing my email then setting off to do my stuff to get ready for my party that night. I got the call from one of my sisters that my mother was having a seizure, paramedics were on the way and they would be going to the hospital. My mother didn’t have a history of seizures. So much for taking it easy right? Despite the fact that my cramps were indeed getting a little more uncomfortable than they had been, I rushed to get out the house and get to the hospital.
I spent most of my day there with my mom and sisters, not letting my cramping get to me. By Saturday night, when I was home, I began to suspect what was going on. There was no spotting, at least not until roughly about 5 am. It was faint, incredibly so…so I let it ride and went back to sleep. I was so incredibly sleepy despite the pain. By the time I woke on Sunday morning for Church, the pain had increased and so had the spotting. I called my doctor as I knew he was on call for the weekend. He knew about my mom at this point (he’s like the family OB…kinky I know.) He said he wanted me to come in to see him when I got to the hospital…
I found out at 9:45 am on April 11, 2010 that I was indeed pregnant but at the same time was told that because of the blood test done on Friday, the cramping and bleeding I was getting was what I feared the worse. My hormone levels were not where they should be to sustain a pregnancy and my HcG levels were not where they should be either…they were just barely registering a positive pregnancy. My exam at the hospital officially confirmed that I was indeed miscarrying. At only 4 weeks and 1 day, Bean was gone…
Over the last two days, I’ve gone through a lot of self blame, searching for a reason or an answer. I haven’t found one. Sometimes the pain in my chest is almost unbearable. My hand still occassionaly stray down and the tears start all over again. Work has been hard to concentrate on and keeping up the calm, cool and collected daughter that my mom knows is hard. She is home now but is not quite ready health wise to hear the news. M has been his usual self, always the pillar of strength. He’s been incredibly reassuring and to repay him…I’ve snapped at him. I don’t mean to and really…it just hurts worse when I do it. He doesn’t really understand my feelings on this because…well…I don’t know why. I don’t understand the lack of…He’s trying to do what he thinks is best for us, for me and struggling because he can’t just fix it. Unfortunately he can not…a mother’s grief is not easily fixed. Bean may not have made it to a point of officially hearing a heart beat, he may not have had arms and legs…but he still had a heart.
I know…you cynical people are sitting there thinking “well it didn’t even have a determined sex yet.” To you, I say shut up and go read something else. To me, HE and yes…I know without a doubt in my heart it was a boy…was just as much alive as my 6 year old.
So…that is where I am right now. Angry, hurting beyond belief, feeling alone and lost, confused. I’m trying to keep it together but at times I find myself losing that battle. The doctor gave me pills to help but…I’ve never been one for drugs and really..they just make me feel numb. I need to be able to get myself over this grief…and I know I will. I did with my Dad’s death, I will with this death too. M says we will get through this and be better for it. I know he is right… Just…sometimes one wonders when you feel like the pain is suffocating you….
Friday, April 9, 2010
Why You?
One would think this is an easy topic. Sure, a million things jump to mind at first thought but all the things that need to be said and want to be said...well...I have to dig for those. Only because describing the depth of what we have is something that just can not completely be done. So...I'll start with the hardest ones and work my way in. Yes...in, because your greatest bits are hidden underneath your "cloak of mystery"...or more bluntly put...your rough, hard-as-nails exterior.
So, why you? It's the devil may care attitude. The fact that you hold everyone at arms length, even when you trust them. It's the impatience you get when things are not going your way. The asshole attitude you take when you know you're right and don't wish to be bothered. It's the way you pretend to not care when in truth, on the inside you're seething. It's the way you always know just what to say, even when I don't want to hear it...or anyone else for that fact. It's the fact that it always has to be your way...because you said so. It's the way you go quiet when you're angry or upset. It's the way you will go out of your way to say something just to stump someone just so they don't really see what you're really thinking. It's the way you hide behind a calm, cool visaed. It's your perfectionism and OCD tendencies. It's the way you will tell someone to go fuck themselves all the while wearing a smile. It's the way you will oh so slickly move people to see it your way and no other way. It's your devil forked tongue and smooth words that could deceive even the most astute of people. It's the fact that underneath the cover you show the world, it isn't always put together or has all the answers. It's the fact that you'll admit you're wrong but will still argue your own point regardless. It's the fact that it took you 9 months to really let me in.
It's the sound of your voice. It's the evil grin that can be heard in your voice when the wheels are turning in your head. It's the fact that you don't generally allow me an inch. It's the way that when you do allow me room, you only have to look at me or say one word to let me know I've gone far enough. It's the way you don't see in yourself what I see. It's the fact that you still sometimes try to hide the darkest parts even though you know I know they are there. It's the fact that no matter how imposing you try to come off as, under it all you have this incredibly warm heart. It's the fact that when you look at me, really look at me, I feel like the only person in the room...even if it's the middle of a crowded street or bar. It's the way you can give me "the look" one minute and in the next, look at me from the side and smile before giving me a wink. It's the way you lay there silently playing with my hand, staring at the way they fit together for a while before opening your mouth and saying something profound or witty. It's the way you pull me back down to earth when my head is in the clouds.
It's because you care enough to pull things out of me, even when I don't want to talk about it. It's because you make me walk, even when I don't want to. It's because you never fail to know what is best for me...and because you always want what is best for me. It's because you won't let me win just for the sake of letting me win. It's because you infuriate me by not just letting me be mad for a while. It's because, you love my tears and will move heaven and earth to get them even when I don't want to cry. It's because you will wait for the most inopportune time to tell me something earth shattering in turn making me cry. It's because when I am at my worst, puffy eyed, and sniffling red nosed that you tell me I'm beautiful and could not ask for more. It's because you remind me of what and who we are together, even though I could never truly forget. It's because you allow me to be territorial at times. It's because you laugh at me when I sneeze. It's because you never just let me walk away.
It's because you never shirk responsibility. It's because you want to share your knowledge with others. It's because you're dominant. It's because you people watch and laugh when the evilest of things come out of my mouth because you were thinking it. It's because you will call me a cunt when I'm being one...or when you feed my appetite for humiliation at the best of times. It's because you never fail to rise to the occasion (no pun intended...ok...well partly lol). It's how you always seem to know what I am needing or feeling without having to say. It's because you hold the keys to everything I never wanted and wasn't looking for...but yet everything I need and then some. It's because you scare the shit out of me yet you're home in every way.
It's because you follow me all over the bed when we sleep, never letting me get more than an inch from you. It's because you won't allow me to buy shoes even though I want them so bad I can taste them. It's because you punish me when I've done wrong. It's because you let me know when you're disappointed, even if it kills me. It's the way you forgive me so easily, even when I don't think I should be. It's because you make me feel at home in my own skin. It's because at the end of the day, you want to spend it with me. It's because you give a shit to call and congratulate my daughter on riding a bike without training wheels and for losing a tooth, even though she pulled it out. It's because you care enough to fix my screw ups. It's because my daughter sees what I does and says you're cuter than Justin Beiber and Joe Jonas.
It's because you kiss my forehead. It's because your fingers play in my hair. It's because you like showers...a lot hehe. It's because you call me your own personal playground. It's because you aren't afraid to hurt me and love my bruises just as much as I do. It's because all you have to do is give me that look when you're over me and nod to set me flying. It's because you want to push my limits. It's because you like my disgustingly dirty mind and encourage the most unlady like of thoughts. It's the way you laugh. It's the way you smile...that thing, even though you think it's cheesy, it will light up the darkest of rooms. It's because it only takes the touch of your hand to bring me to my knees...and that you like me there. It's because you like my inner geeky nerd.
It's because you call me yours. It's because you call me little one. It's because you want to lead and love that I want to follow. It's because you decided to throw caution to the wind and accepted my submission...even if it was on a selfish whim. It's because even when I got to the brink of leaving, you'd pull me back. It's because even when you knew I had things pegged, you were selfish enough to keep me hooked. It's because you broke my heart but always found a way to put it back together.
It's because you allow me to be myself and complete me even when I thought I was whole. It's because you love me enough to cry in front of me. It's because you almost didn't get on that plane. It's because you've stripped me of every last hiding place I had. It's because when I am standing there, naked and afraid, you tell me you would not want me any other way...
Honestly...this list is just beginning. Every day I could add another 100 things to it and it still not be complete. Why you? Because of everything you are, have been and ever will be. Because of everything you do to and for me...
So, why you? It's the devil may care attitude. The fact that you hold everyone at arms length, even when you trust them. It's the impatience you get when things are not going your way. The asshole attitude you take when you know you're right and don't wish to be bothered. It's the way you pretend to not care when in truth, on the inside you're seething. It's the way you always know just what to say, even when I don't want to hear it...or anyone else for that fact. It's the fact that it always has to be your way...because you said so. It's the way you go quiet when you're angry or upset. It's the way you will go out of your way to say something just to stump someone just so they don't really see what you're really thinking. It's the way you hide behind a calm, cool visaed. It's your perfectionism and OCD tendencies. It's the way you will tell someone to go fuck themselves all the while wearing a smile. It's the way you will oh so slickly move people to see it your way and no other way. It's your devil forked tongue and smooth words that could deceive even the most astute of people. It's the fact that underneath the cover you show the world, it isn't always put together or has all the answers. It's the fact that you'll admit you're wrong but will still argue your own point regardless. It's the fact that it took you 9 months to really let me in.
It's the sound of your voice. It's the evil grin that can be heard in your voice when the wheels are turning in your head. It's the fact that you don't generally allow me an inch. It's the way that when you do allow me room, you only have to look at me or say one word to let me know I've gone far enough. It's the way you don't see in yourself what I see. It's the fact that you still sometimes try to hide the darkest parts even though you know I know they are there. It's the fact that no matter how imposing you try to come off as, under it all you have this incredibly warm heart. It's the fact that when you look at me, really look at me, I feel like the only person in the room...even if it's the middle of a crowded street or bar. It's the way you can give me "the look" one minute and in the next, look at me from the side and smile before giving me a wink. It's the way you lay there silently playing with my hand, staring at the way they fit together for a while before opening your mouth and saying something profound or witty. It's the way you pull me back down to earth when my head is in the clouds.
It's because you care enough to pull things out of me, even when I don't want to talk about it. It's because you make me walk, even when I don't want to. It's because you never fail to know what is best for me...and because you always want what is best for me. It's because you won't let me win just for the sake of letting me win. It's because you infuriate me by not just letting me be mad for a while. It's because, you love my tears and will move heaven and earth to get them even when I don't want to cry. It's because you will wait for the most inopportune time to tell me something earth shattering in turn making me cry. It's because when I am at my worst, puffy eyed, and sniffling red nosed that you tell me I'm beautiful and could not ask for more. It's because you remind me of what and who we are together, even though I could never truly forget. It's because you allow me to be territorial at times. It's because you laugh at me when I sneeze. It's because you never just let me walk away.
It's because you never shirk responsibility. It's because you want to share your knowledge with others. It's because you're dominant. It's because you people watch and laugh when the evilest of things come out of my mouth because you were thinking it. It's because you will call me a cunt when I'm being one...or when you feed my appetite for humiliation at the best of times. It's because you never fail to rise to the occasion (no pun intended...ok...well partly lol). It's how you always seem to know what I am needing or feeling without having to say. It's because you hold the keys to everything I never wanted and wasn't looking for...but yet everything I need and then some. It's because you scare the shit out of me yet you're home in every way.
It's because you follow me all over the bed when we sleep, never letting me get more than an inch from you. It's because you won't allow me to buy shoes even though I want them so bad I can taste them. It's because you punish me when I've done wrong. It's because you let me know when you're disappointed, even if it kills me. It's the way you forgive me so easily, even when I don't think I should be. It's because you make me feel at home in my own skin. It's because at the end of the day, you want to spend it with me. It's because you give a shit to call and congratulate my daughter on riding a bike without training wheels and for losing a tooth, even though she pulled it out. It's because you care enough to fix my screw ups. It's because my daughter sees what I does and says you're cuter than Justin Beiber and Joe Jonas.
It's because you kiss my forehead. It's because your fingers play in my hair. It's because you like showers...a lot hehe. It's because you call me your own personal playground. It's because you aren't afraid to hurt me and love my bruises just as much as I do. It's because all you have to do is give me that look when you're over me and nod to set me flying. It's because you want to push my limits. It's because you like my disgustingly dirty mind and encourage the most unlady like of thoughts. It's the way you laugh. It's the way you smile...that thing, even though you think it's cheesy, it will light up the darkest of rooms. It's because it only takes the touch of your hand to bring me to my knees...and that you like me there. It's because you like my inner geeky nerd.
It's because you call me yours. It's because you call me little one. It's because you want to lead and love that I want to follow. It's because you decided to throw caution to the wind and accepted my submission...even if it was on a selfish whim. It's because even when I got to the brink of leaving, you'd pull me back. It's because even when you knew I had things pegged, you were selfish enough to keep me hooked. It's because you broke my heart but always found a way to put it back together.
It's because you allow me to be myself and complete me even when I thought I was whole. It's because you love me enough to cry in front of me. It's because you almost didn't get on that plane. It's because you've stripped me of every last hiding place I had. It's because when I am standing there, naked and afraid, you tell me you would not want me any other way...
Honestly...this list is just beginning. Every day I could add another 100 things to it and it still not be complete. Why you? Because of everything you are, have been and ever will be. Because of everything you do to and for me...
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