Sometimes we forget

Sometimes we forget that this isn't really about us. We forget that what we do, everything we do is for the betterment and pleasure of our dominant. We get greedy at times when it comes to sex and even something as simple as an orgasm.

I did. My orgasms are controlled by him. M owns them and can give them when he sees fit. I should appreciate that. Here lately, we haven't had opportunities alone. I don't remember the last time we did in all honesty. It's been a while. Instead, he's been generous enough to call or text at different times, randomly. Orgasm on demand can sometimes be a handy thing to have, took us long enough to get it down to a science.

Thing is lately, they've all been at random times and always alone...meaning on my own without him. At first, it was not noticed. It hadn't been for a while but the last few times he's done this "surprise" release, I have found myself feeling bereft. I find myself down and pulling back afterwards. It always feels like a huge piece is missing. So much so that it's gotten to a point that the thought of it being better off if I just not release at all. I have found I cringe to think he may call or text again and command it of me. I will, I always do but I don't want the feeling that follows. Honestly...I don't want to without him.

Yes, I know. It's his enjoyment, it's what he wants and I know that later he will do his own thing. But even then...knowing that does nothing to make me feel better. Really, I try not to think about it because when I do a twinge of jealousy sets in...almost a feeling like why not with me? Why am I being denied?. Thoughts I just shouldn't be having. Why? I should just be happy knowing I've served him. Am I losing touch with my submission? That thought scares me. Am I just being greedy or selfish? I feel shame at admitting that could be a huge part of it. Issue is that sex is still a thought in my head. M does it for me in more ways than one. But right now...because of this...I really don't even want it to be subconscious thought.

Hopefully this will pass...