Relationships

All relationships take work. Whether new, old, down or at the top of its game. A common misconception from those new to the lifestyle is that due to all the rules, protocols and expectations, the relationship is easier. Of course, in some aspects, sure it is easier. We take the time to sit down with one another to discuss the general expectations of each other, what we hope to achieve from the relationship, certain rules on how the house is handled.

In large though, we are no different than the every other day to day couple. Especially when love is a factor. If your relationship, D/s M/s or D/d, is long term and fully committal, Then it's going to be hard. For me personally, I find being a D/s couple sometimes compounds the hard stuff. Not only do we have to maintain us as a couple but we have to find ways to maintain and stay inside the guidelines of our D/s or M/s lifestyle. Not everything can be answered or solved by a whipping or just because the Dom says it's done that way.

In all honesty, I find that often only makes matters worse. If we are having issues on the "vanilla" side, coming out and saying "I'm the Dom, this is the way it is...problem solved" just doesn't cut it. I sometimes find it will make me even more belligerent. Because I don't need a Dom at that moment. I need a Boyfriend, fiance, husband, etc. Or if there is something that has upset or angered me, I have to work extra hard to maintain my submissive side. If I speak my mind as it comes to fruition, then I regret it the moment it leaves my lips because it is rude of me to act in such a manner to M.

Yes, I've been told you should say how you feel. Be open and honest, create a space in which you can both discuss the issues on a level ground. But, if you're human...it doesn't always work out that way. There are going to be times something happens and one reacts out of instinct. Like with any couple, you both have to both be open to the other and try to be understanding.

There does come a time when the D/s or M/s side needs to be put on the back burner so that you can work on the issues as a normal couple without any extra weight. It isn't a matter of failing and there should not be any feelings of guilt. For us all, we need to remember that we are a couple when it all comes down to it. We have to be able to nurture that aspect of things. Another important thing to remember is that you are a D/s or M/s couple. We live a lifestyle that isn't very easy to live in today's society. People do not understand a lot of aspects of it but yet we do it every day, some days with uncanny easy. Some of us are natural submissives and doms and some of us are not. But, we all have to work hard at what we do. If we remember to put the same energy into being a couple as we do into filling those roles, then anything is possible.

As for me and M, we are still working on ours. I am struggling with my own life issues, my submission, a lot of self doubt, insecurity and being apart from him. He is dealing with his own issues with work and such. I have to work a little harder at not pulling back into myself. Another thing I am trying to work on is speaking my mind or saying how I feel without instantly regretting it and feeling as though I am failing at a submissive. I'm incredibly needy at the moment and sadly I am not able to have the contact from him that I need at the moment. But the same goes for him. He doesn't have the answers to make it better, he doesn't have a lot of time to give to me at the moment so...I am sure it isn't easy on him. Hopefully soon we will find common ground and be able to work the issues out. I can say, that it wasn't because he was my dominant that my heart chose him, it was because he does complete me in ways no one else has been able to...and I will be damned if we lose it because "we couldn't find the time" or because "we didn't know how to say it and didn't want to hurt the other's feelings."