Don't call him Daddy

Okay, so I have to get on the soap box for a few and just rant. Here lately I've noticed something that has just...absolutely driven me crazy. It is the sheer number of submissives that think it is okay to just go around calling every Dominant male "Daddy" or "Master"...whether they know them or not. Tumblr seems to be the worst. It literally irkes me to no end. Especially those that will address a Dominant and they comment as "Anonymous"!!

The first thing that comes to mind when I see this is "attention whore" but then I realize maybe I am just being over-senstive or just letting my anger speak. When I sit back and just let it simmer, I realize it is just as bad as those "Doms" out there that message you online and after one conversation, insist you call him Master. I believe it to be a combination of different things. Sure, for some of them out there...it literally is all about the attention. Then there are those who are still regretfully under-educated. And then, you have those who just do not have or have not gained enough respect and confidence for not only themselves, but for the person they are addressing.

Whether it's the "Daddy Everyone" subs or the "Call me MASTER" Doms", it is really just disrespectful. As a sub, when I see other subs calling everyone Daddy or Master, it not only comes off as rude towards the Dominant she or he is addressing, but it is an embarrassment as well. It does not come off as cute or being polite. If you've never talked to this person before, you don't have an on-going relationship and you haven't given your submission...then do NOT address them as "Daddy" or "Master". Period, end of story. In all truth, you do not even need to address them as Sir unless it happens to be part of their "Scene" or "Screen" name.

No, I am not referring to general manners. Being raised in my family, using "Yes Sir" "No Sir" "Yes Ma'am" and "No Ma'am" is just a way of life, a habit. I even use that when addressing my daughter. I am speaking of "titles" only. Calling someone "Daddy," "Master" or "Sir" are titles I feel need to be earned. They are special and reserved for the one you've chosen to submit to, not any and every Joe you come across. A good Dominant wouldn't want you addressing him as such if he doesn't have a relationship with you and hasn't accepted your submission.

Moral of the story...If he hasn't accepted you as his baby girl, DON'T call him Daddy.

Had to share

After my post last night, I came across this. This is the way I want my partner to see me.

Return of the Jedi...I mean M

Sorry, I've been letting my inner geek out a little too much lately hehe. But, the statement is true. A little while ago, after a year of moving on (which was hard to do I might add lol), M contacted me out of the blue. It's been nice talking to the friend I lost in him, but I will have to admit it's been confusing, hard, a hot mess...whatever title you can imagine, put it there.

Let me be the first to say, muscle memory is REAL. The heart being the muscle that it is...it doesn't forget. That is where the confusing and hard part come in. Talking to him, there are moments that it is easy to remember how I came to love him and why I submitted. Sure, I am even strong enough to admit that I even got butterflies in my stomach a time or two. But with the space I was given on my side, I do see things a lot clearer than I had back then.

Looking back, much to my own dismay and shame, I realized that I had completely lost who I was in him. Yes, I get it...that's what we submissives do. But, I mean lost myself as in losing my own identity and neglecting common sense. In my drive to please, I forgot to listen to reason and allowed manipulation do the leading. I neglected standing up for myself when I should've. I ignored reason and allowed my all consuming love blind me to the mistakes, the sadness and lack of leadership, guidance, nurturing and firmness. I forgot my own needs in an effort to try and fill his. No, I am not bashing him nor do I regret. He taught me a lot in the end and I did end up a better person for it...

He is the one that led me to the discovery of ultimately what I want and need in, not just a Dominant, but also a partner. It's because of him, that I learned to trust myself and my own instincts more. It's because of him that I am a stronger, more confident person. He gave me the fuel that ignited the fire and like a phoenix, I have risen from the ashes brighter and more beautiful. You cannot really ask for more than that, no matter how it came to be.

I am ok with admitting that I do still love him, despite the way things ended. I just now know I need someone who won't ask or push me to lose myself, but helps who I am build into something better. I am willing to go to the ends of the earth for someone I love, but they have to be willing to do the same...and prove it. Anyone can say "I love you...follow me" but true love, a true leader will lead by example...by actions. (Yes, giving a pull on the leash works too lol but you know what I mean.)

Difference between Healthy Domination and Abusive Control

In TTWD, the idea of control and domination can so easily be misused and quite honestly, misunderstood. When you start off, you begin looking up information, searching out others of like mind. No matter submissive or dominant, you come across a basic understanding that the submissive gives up "control" to the Dominant. When you look at just the surface of the dynamic, we do. But, when you dig and get dirty, you come to see that is such a "vanilla" way to put it.

As a submissive or dominant, we commit to an Exchange of power, will...an equal exchange of service. The Dominant agrees to take on the leadership, guidance, correction and care of the submissive for EQUAL exchange of her agreement to follow his/her leadership, acceptance of their guidance and corrections, to look after their care as well. You cannot have one without the other. A submissive cannot submit without a Dominant willing to "dominate" nor can a Dominant be "dominant" over an un-consenting submissive. Submissives give them the Authority to Dominate.

If we go by the definition of Control, yes...we consent to them holding the power of control. The key word is we CONSENT to the exchange. What happens when you throw in things such as manipulation? Again, another term that can easily be mistaken or construed.

Manipulate:

1: to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner

2 a : to manage or utilize skillfully

   b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage

3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

On one hand, a Dominant may manipulate our bodies during a scene and such. As a submissive, we can manipulate our schedules, our clothes, etc to better serve/suit our Doms. That is where the manipulation should end. At no time is it ok to use deceitful, insidious or unfair means to get another to bend to serve your own purpose. This is where abusive control steps in. 

A "controlling" person generally has one objective in mind...their own. They tend to be very self focused and driven. They will claim to have your best interests in mind, but in reality, they generally want to bend things to suit them...despite of your wishes, desires, needs and often in worst case scenarios, your emotional and physical well being. It is seen all too often, those who have hidden under the umbrella of being a "dominant." They use literal translations of the words "domination" and "control" to hide behind in serving their own person. 

Yes, a Dominant will want things done their way. He or She will give you a task they want done, most likely including how they want it done and a time frame in which to do it. You may even initially think "God you are such a control freak! Why do I have to do it that way? What if I want to do it this way? What if I can't get it done in time because I have a house to clean, kids to look after, etc??" But, if you take a closer look and all too often, when it's done we see it. The task wasn't so much about us doing it their way, but more about our Dominant teaching us, guiding us to do something better. With a true Dominant, there is never any deceptive or insidious intentions. It is always about pushing you to be better than you believe yourself to be. Why? Because they care.

For submissives with little to no experience, seeing the difference between healthy domination and abusive control is often a challenge at best. Unfortunately, even some "seasoned" submissives may miss it at first...especially if it starts our healthy and has a slow decline. In the exchange of power, it provides a "Dominant" easy access to abuse of control. But even a submissive who has consented to TPE (Total Power Exchange), they always have at least (and often the most powerful) one choice or control left to them...The power to leave the relationship. If your Dominant is not meeting your needs anymore, they're unhappy most of the time and no amount of polite requests have resulted in any changes, leaving is the best bet. There is no point in wasting time on an unhealthy relationship that makes you feel bad and does not meet your needs.

What a girl needs

As submissives...hell even Dominants, we've all come across those lists "What should I look for in a Dominant?" and "What should I look for in a submissive?" Granted...the page hits are probably higher on the first.  I've seen some really great, extensive lists out there. But what about what you need in a Dominant? or What do you need in a submissive? When you are first starting off, looking up all the info you can on the lifestyle before you get onto the proverbial "Crazy Train"...it generally doesn't come up until you meet a Dominant or a Submissive and then you sit for a second, blinking, not really knowing how to answer.

We get so wrapped in "what we should be looking for" and while that is great, I think an important first step is knowing what it is you are looking for. At least a basic starting list of what you know you will definitely need in that other person. We do this with vanilla relationships. As we grow up, we all do the whole "When I grow up I will have a husband who is cute and will help wash the dishes." (I used that because that is exactly what my 9 year old told me today when clearing the breakfast table.) Or, for you guys out there...when you hit 16 (or 25 in a lot of cases lol), "When I get married, it will be to a woman who has a high sex job and can cook." Yes, I know that isn't what everyone says but generally...we start making a list of what we expect or need from our significant other long before we actually meet them.

So, in the spirit of that, I decided to make a short list of what I know I need in a Dominant. Yes, the list of my needs in a relationship is longer...but as I said, it's a starter list of the things I need and look for in a Dominant.

1) "Control" and Responsibility
If he cannot control himself, how can he be expected to control me? I want to know that the dominant I     choose is responsible and in control of his own life and emotions. Flying off the handle, screaming and     shouting...that doesn't say Dominance...it says abuse. I should not have to state this, but he must be responsible financially. No no no, I am not saying rich, I merely mean that he must be responsible...meaning his must work, no gambling, be able to budget, etc. Again...If he cannot control/be responsible for himself, then how am I going to be able to depend on him to be responsible/in control of me?
2) Commitment
I need a Dominant who is commited to being just that...a Dominant. May seem like a "Duh" thing but if you really think about it, it isn't. I understand we all have days where we are off of our "A-Game" but even on those days, we still know that we all have responsibilities to each other. I am committing myself, my submission, my time, my talents and my treasures to the relationship. I know I will have off days, but even then, I will still be pushing myself to get back into the "right frame of mind." I do not think it selfish or nonsensical to expect the same from my Dominant.
3)  Discipline and Consistency:
I want to know that there will be consequences when I disobey and that he will consistently apply them. I      read a really good blog on Tumblr that could not have said it more perfect. I am extremely hard on myself and while I don't always expect physical discipline (despite liking it lol), I do need to be put in line and I need it to be consistent.
4)  Caring, Nurturing and Understanding a Submissive:
This one does go hand in hand with the one above. While firm in hand, I need someone who is caring and nurturing, who is willing to be there not only after a scene but on those days I am off my "A-Game" or am struggling with something life has thrown at us. He needs to be understand as to what a submissive is. I need someone that knows that I want to serve and that I am not just a "Slut" or a "fuck buddy/toy". Someone who understands I, as a submissive, am not a doormat who wants to be abused. I need a Dominant who knows that I need to be controlled and I need to give my all. A dominant would never berate me as weak or desperate.
5)  Dependability
This may seem a redundant thing but it needs to be stated. I am not a weak person by any means and am     fully capable of taking care of myself. But by the same token, submissives do depend on their Dominant     for many things. While we all know things get in the way, especially with work and such, a Dominant    should not go disappearing for days without at least letting their submissive know where they are. Again, I shouldn't have to state that but the past has taught me better. Like "commitment" up above, we all have off days/moments and I do not expect or want micromanagement. I just need to know that I can depend on my Dominant to be there.
6)  Accepting
While we all know we ride on the "freakier side of things"...I need a dominant who is accepting of me...All of me. I do have limits, some hard and some not so much. I am a smart, intellectual person. I do have quirks (yes, I know some of them need to be fixed lol). I am also a mother...an active one and I enjoy being that.

Again, it may be a short list...but it's a basic starting off point. For me, those are the basic needs I need met in a Dominant. They are non-negotiable. I do know they probably look like "Duh!" items for those of us who have some experience...we sometimes can "overlook" them when we love a person. I know, for me personally, I have made that mistake before...it lead to a lot of unhappiness and a lot of hurt in the end.

Shinedown - I'll Follow You (NEW SONG 2012!!!) - Lyric Video

Because this represents "Her" and goes with my last post in so many ways :)

Don't Be Delicate, Be Vast and Brilliant

I've owned Shinedown's album, Amaryllis, since it came out and perhaps I wasn't in a great head space or was just too eager to put the CD in and listen that I never took the time to pay attention to the inside track sheet. Not saying I am in a perfect head space now...there's a lot swimming around inside my brain right now lol. But, for reasons unknown to me right now, I decided I wanted to listen to that CD today. I got off of work, had errands to run so I grabbed the case out of the storage bin and opened it up to see "Don't be Delicate...Be Vast and Brilliant." It seriously stopped me in my tracks and I just kind of sat there for a bit.

As some of you know, it's been taking me a while to actually get back on the great horse of "Submission". After some unfortunate events, I had a lot of trouble even identifying with that side of me. I had honestly lost a huge piece of myself but that is a story for another time. To block out pain, loss, depression (the list could go on)...I locked up my "submissive"...tight, in a cage, built a wall around her even. I think most can understand what I mean when I say I basically cut off my right hand and hid it from the rest of my body. That is the only way to adequately describe it. I blamed "her" for the pain I felt. I  had reasoned that it was "her" that had made me weak, blind...stupid. I had reasoned that if "SHE" did not exist, then none of the bad stuff would have happen.

Yes....I know, you really do not have to say it...I was wrong. Time went on, the pain went away and I began to rebuild again. I kept her buried, mind you. But then slowly, little by little, the wall began to crumble and the cage bars began to bend. Parts of her began seeping back out again. First it was the whole "bottom" phase...Submissive during sex but no where else. Then, my fellow "lifestyle" friends began poking and proding. "Just come to a munch, we miss you...even if it's just to visit us." or "Ya know, we could use help at the place space and you're so good with crafts and we'd love to spend time with you." or "Hey, we're having a party, why don't you just come and hang out." Then, a great friend of mine (who had been telling me all along I was wrong for locking her up) started kind of pushing me to get a little more involved. "You can't deny that part of yourself. I get it, you're hurt and you aren't ready for full force but at least be yourself...all of yourself." and "Look, you could go with me to some of the demos and classes. You don't have to  get involved and we can just say you're under my protection until you are ready to get back on that horse."

I found myself thinking more and more about "her" and finally, it came to me one night...it's time to accept yourself. And ya know what? All of the trouble that it took to lock her up, the time and energy I spent "hiding" her...it was so simple taking her back. Why? Because you cannot deny who you are. You can't hide it away and pretend it doesn't exist. Even when you want to deny it's existence...it is still right there beside you shouting "Hey! STUPID! HERE I AM! I AM YOU!!!" So...the last several weeks, I've spent a lot of time learning to love her again. I've been spending a lot of time putting myself back together and trying to figure out exactly how she will work again.

I don't have all the answers yet. To complete her, I will eventually need the help of a Dominant. But for now, I am simply enjoying the "getting reaquainted" stage and learning to fully trust and accept her again. But one thing I am absolutely sure of. My submissive....Me...I will not be delicate...I will be Vast and Brilliant.

Only through trusting ourselves can we trust another

That was inspired by a repost on The Sub Guide today. The article, a very good one I should say, discusses how common sense and “trusting your gut feeling” can protect you not just in your submission but in any relationship. The one thing that makes me fall in love with This Thing We Do, is the fact that no matter how long you’ve been doing it, no matter how much you think you’ve learned....every day something comes along and teaches or reaffirms such simple/basic things.

Common sense and trusting yourself should be extremely simple. But when you throw life, in general, into the mix much less into a D/s or M/s situation...well, the water tends to get muddy. We all learn from the get go that one of the biggest, if not the biggest thing, is trust. We, as partners, must trust each other in order to have a healthy, happy exchange of power. We are taught that in order to have a healthy relationship of any kind, we must trust each other. And that is true, extremely so. But I think that truth is actually learning to walk before we’ve crawled. Why? Because before we can trust someone else, we have to be able to trust ourselves.

I know, you are all thinking “Well of course I trust myself....that is so stupid to say.” But in reality it isn’t and it is something that happens every day. Not trusting yourself so often lends to us being “unusually blind” to things that are not right which usually leads to us being hurt. And not just our feelings, but physically as well. We’ve all been there...we see something or someone tells us something and instantly you get that “not so great feeling” pulling at your stomach. You falter for a moment as the thought “Hmmm, that doesn’t seem right” passes through your mind. But in so many cases,instead of trusting our self, we use the excuse of “trusting the situation” or ”trusting the person we are with” over that.

We trust the ones we are with, Dom or vanilla alike, to treat us with the same love, respect and devotion we have for them. We trust them to be open and honest with us. In a D/s relationship, it is expected...it’s part of the “agreement.” But sometimes, that trust is misplaced. We ignore the signs that, more than often are there all along, our gut is warning us about and instead trust the image we create. This is even more true when it comes back to “going back” into the same situation. They hurt us, break our hearts even, but they come back with pretty words and promises of being better, of loving us more than before. And, despite the fact your stomach is mule kicking you in the face, we trust them over ourselves.

Trust and the ability to identify trustworthiness are not the same thing, although trust and trustworthiness are logically linked. - Robert C. Solomon

That statement is so incredibly true and incredibly common sensical. But it is a lot easier to do if you keep the core value of trusting yourself, trusting your instinct. No, I am not saying that “once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar.” I know, every situation is different. But before you go jumping in head first...trust yourself, trust your gut to tell you if it’s right or not. You and your submission depend on it.