End of another work week

And hopefully the end to the week from hell. This week, starting Saturday, has been hell...emotionally and physically. Physically, as you know I've been battling a cold. I am finally getting to a point where I feel somewhat human again. I still have a little cough and occassionally it's like I hack up a lung but...at least when I cough it's coming up. I can breath somewhat easier and I don't feel as run down. Emotionally...it's been like a drop from hell.

In a comment Mouse made to Spirited, she said it was the summertime blues. I guess in some way it is like that. All week I've felt like crawling up in a corner, pulling the covers over my head and hiding. That isn't exactly like me. M and I have felt distant at best. He's been in a...well, cold mood and stressed. I felt pushed away so I began analyzing everything. Sucks being a virgo...we tend to be over-analytical, over logical and self deprecating at times. I just knew I had done something wrong and everything I did do wrong became like glaring, unforgiving flaws. Throw on top of the issues we've had to deal with that are from my side...the custody issues and such, I just knew it had to be my fault.

I got rewarded with a task. I was told I needed to stop being so down and hard on myself. So...I did. But it just flipped things around. I then began rationalizing that if it wasn't me...then what was it? What happened to create this preverbial "elephant in the room?" Finally last night, we talked about it. He assured me it is only the stress from work. He's had a deadline he's been up against. Nothing was wrong with us, I had done nothing wrong, we were fine.

So, I am taking him at his word. I still feel a little off but I am trying to right myself. I still feel a tad gun shy and find myself needy for time with him. Sadly, I won't get that for at least another month. I will try to find something to busy myself with, something that will hopefully get my mind off of the distance and missing him the way I do.

Let's just pray next week is better. I can't keep up with this nagging in the back of my head...

Being hard on one's self

The last couple of days have been rough. I came down with a wicked cold, talking for a couple of days became a hassle. It only added to the blue feeling I've been having. There's been no real reason for it I suppose, if there is I have yet to find the source. It all started really over the weekend.

M's been busy with work and school so I've been trying to respect that. There was a small spat over the weekend and things just kind of went down hill from there. To add to the frustration of the spat and the void of not being in M's company, I began messing up on little things that led to bigger things. I forgot to write my morning email one day, I left my phone at my work desk one day when I headed out for lunch, I was in a rotten mood and was testy at times with M, I was shying away because of guilt over the emotional reaction I got from M when i turned in my task. I had already felt detached and these things only added to it.

So...I've been hard on myself. I've been analyzing every little thing I do. Every mistake I made, in my mind, just went to prove I was a horrible submissive. Then when I did not get punished for the indiscretions, it only seemed to add to that thought process. Perhaps it had run its course and so he just didn't feel like dominating me anymore. Just a bunch of unhealthy thinking. But, true to M's style he allowed me a little rope.

Yesterday, he pulled but not as hard as I would have expected. I was given the task of sitting down and righting out a list of everything I do right. That was a little rough because I am a virgo...we are our own worst enemy and critic. It took me the better part of the day to write it out and I had to stretch my brain to the point of hurting to get it done...but I did it. I'm still feeling off but I am more mindful of it now. So...we shall see. I do know I'm just ready to be home and in the sun right now...

My task

I don't really have much to say today. It's just an ok day. Nothing special, quiet. I am doing my thing, which is much of nothing, and he is doing his thing. But, figured I'd share the fruits of my labor. Enjoy...

Try this again...sheesh.

Meh...

So I am running a little late with my blog for the day. It was an odd one and I really was not overly inspired to write. I know, not really a good excuse. It really isn't one to be honest. It's been pretty much truth today.

I woke fine enough, finally woke feeling like I actually got enough sleep for a change. That really is an odd thing as of late. I was able to just lay there for a little while and allow myself to fully wake before crawling out of bed. I went to shower and BAM! The red sea decided to hit today. Yay me...but honestly I can not complain really. I was overdue, getting off of the birth control messed all kinds of things up. So, things looked like they will even out right? Nope...

I wrote my morning email, a daily task I have when M and I are apart. The morning goes by and no phone call, no text message...no word from M. I start to worry but figured he slept in...REALLY slept in and would call when he decided to get up. Finally around noon, I couldn't stand it anymore so...I called. It just went downhill from there. He snapped at me without realizing he did, I took offense and got ass hurt, the phone call just became awkward and ended. We didn't really talk the rest of the afternoon.

We finally talked for a few minutes before I went to a friend's house for a girl's dinner and movie night. Even then it was just an ok conversation. When I got home, we talked again and things still felt...awkward I guess you could say. I was quiet, so was he...we talked when something needed to be said then the night was over. He went to bed and I stayed up to feed my facebook addiction...I swear I have too many apps but I can't help myself lol.

It was just an off day which...I didn't really expect after last night. I had finished my task and handed it over with much pride. He loved it and praised me for a job well done. I was elated and my feelings were pretty well stated I think. It made me miss him more but our conversation last night was great...then I wake up to today. I guess everyone has them. So...meh. I will just toss it up to whatever and let it be. Hopefully tomorrow will be better...

Finally Friday...

Actually, it's been a good day so far. As I expressed to M in my morning email...I feel more centered than I have since returning from my trip. I feel good finally, not overly tired and no sickness. I was starting to get a little tired of feeling as run down and sick as I had been. My mood has been great all day. It's just overall a really good one.

I am just about finished with the task he assigned to me. I am actually rather excited about handing it over to him. I am incredibly proud of the finished product. There are things I am still considering adding but honestly, every time I look at it I think it gets my point across very well...I did what he wanted and believe he will be pleased. Although...If he's not I will cry I think lol.

All of our issues are still there, still dealing with being apart but we are a little more settled as to getting things going to rectify all of that. I think really that is the biggest hurdle for us. When we are together, we are able to handle any issues that come up precisely and without too much hassle. Being this far apart, we just do not operate as the smooth running machine we've come to be...which is kind of nice. We have an ebb and flow that when I think on it is really cool and beautiful. So very much different than what I've known before.

What can I say? I'm really lucky to have found the other piece to my puzzle. We go together like peas and carrots...

Not because I asked...

My blog has suffered lately, sometimes not writing in it for a few weeks at a time. I am going to make a concerted effort to keep this up daily. It may not always be deep thoughts or awe struck revalations...but perhaps journaling daily will keep my mind open and prevent some of the random emotional upsets and such.

Last night I read one of greengirl's post called Communication Breakdown. For me, it really hit home. M and I have had it happen to us several times and I am sure it will happen many more over the years as we grow, change and morph into the couple we would like to be. I am sure it happens in every relationship. It's a growing pain we all have to deal with no matter D/s, M/s or plain old vanilla.

M and I discussed the post and our thoughts on the subject but one part really stuck out for me. The issue of "Did you do it because I asked or because you want to?" For me, the discussion of oral sex has come up before with him and I. Not so much me performing, but him performing. Before this last trip, it was something he had not performed on me and out of curiousity I asked why. A conversation ensued, some things I took wrong in my own perception and just ended up chalking it up to "It's not something that will happen with us." Then I went out to see him this last time and much to my...not surprise, more like shock lol...he went down. Heat of the moment, no scening just regular hawt smex and I will be the first to admit...for the first time since we've been together I found myself uncomfortable.

Usually, yes like most other women, I generally enjoy it but seriously...it was almost like someone threw on an emergency break and for me the car came to a stop. Why? Because my OH SO brilliant brain threw in the thought "Is he doing this because he wants to or because I asked about it?" Not knowing the answer bothered me. Sure, whenever a "loving couple" have sex, you will both do things that you know the other enjoys because well...because you want your partner to be happy, satisfied. For a lot of us, no matter Dominant, Submissive, Plain jane vanilla wife or husband, etc...we obtain enjoyment from our partner's enjoyment as well as our own.

But for me, as a sub, I feel this stab of guilt at the thought of him doing something purely because I asked. I feel guilty at the thought that he could be doing something he really doesn't care to do just because he knows it will make me happy. I kind of reason it to the act of sex period. We all WANT our partner to want to have sex with us. We all want to know that the person we are with finds us as attractive in that regards as we find them. I don't want him doing something just because I ask...If it happens, I would hope it's a mutually enjoyable thing. It's just like telling me "You're so beautiful" after asking why it's been 10 years since you even commented on me looking nice for an evening out on the town much less that i'm beautiful. For me...it just comes off as coherced and not something you truly mean or want.

In that topic, there does often come a communication breakdown. For me, I can relate to Greengirl's lack of desire to speak up. Sure, I know as a submissive and even as a wife I need to express my needs and wants. You as a dominant can not read minds. But by the same token, there may be a time I hold something back just out of fear that I will say it and it gets answered not because you want to or mean it...but only because I asked after it. No, I'd never hold the major things back and of course if there is ever something new that may peak my interest...I'd say. That is how our relationship keeps growing, learning new things. But that isn't really what I am talking about. I am purely talking about the every day, no brainer stuff.

And now...back to your regularly scheduled programing.

Banana

Have you ever....?

Have you ever had one of those days where no matter what you do or say it just all comes out wrong? Like everything you say or do hurts someone's feelings or you find yourself getting into trouble? Perhaps no one even takes offense but you still feel like after it's out of your mouth you instantly regret saying anything?

It's been one of those months for me it seems. It started at the beginning of the month and just gets worse. I've gotten into little tiffs with M, often regretting opening my mouth. No matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough (And no, he has never told me that. It's just my "perception"...the way I feel).

Right now, we are in the midst of planning my moving there and dealing with all that comes with that. Sadly, with that we have to deal with my ex and custody issues. I will be taking my daughter to another state. My ex, while he was a crappy husband is a great father and loves our daughter emmensely. I understand his resistance to allowing me to take her. He's thrown every road block up so far that he can...it's tiresome. But while I do understand, it doesn't make it any more acceptable. So, we are locked in a custody issue. Just one more problem and expense that both M and I could live without. What is getting to me is the fact that it's been that way for M and I since the get go. My ex has put up road blocks on M even being in the same house with Ding. It's just been one issue after another. And in that lies where part of my issue comes in.

Nothing has come easy for M and I, this only furthers that. In my head though, I begin to doubt myself. I begin to "make decisions" and label this as something M shouldn't have to deal with. I am coming with a lot of baggage, those previously married with kids usually do. I often find myself torn. I get scared that M will one day just decide it's not worth the hassle. Or that he'll just decide to stop because it isn't being done on his time table. Ultimately I know that this isn't his battle, it isn't a burden he should have to bear. Yes...I understand he made a decision and honestly, he's been awesome. He pays attention and calls my daughter when he doesn't have to. He takes an interest in her schooling, extra-curricular activities, TV shows, likes and dislikes. He carries her pictures with him on his phone. I could not have chosen a better rolemodel and person to fill the shoes of step dad. With Ding it's a tall order but then he's a tall guy and luckily my daughter is about as smitten with him as I am.

Then I flip sides and sometimes find myself being incredibly selfish, wishing that the Ex was so not involved. But that isn't really in Ding's best interest. She loves her father and he loves her just as much. He's incredibly active in her life as he should be and their relationship is very tight. No, I know that him being less involved isn't really the answer either. It's just a lot of inner turmoil. Neither ways of thinking are fair to M, Ding or myself. But none the less it's been a point of a lot of stress.

Through it, M has time and time again reaffirmed my faith in chosing him as not only my soon to be husband but also my Master. He's done a wonderful job of supporting and has been ahead of me where my needs are concerned. Even going as far as giving me a task to keep my mind off of the turmoil for a bit. I could not have thanked him enough when he gave it to me. Sadly though...while my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts of how best to fulfill the task and have him proud, it's become a little overwhelming too. It is a task that requires a lot of emotion and thought, digging within myself for answers to a simple question. I won't go into much detail but...I've been digging a little too deep I think. I've suddenly found myself, while more in touch with my feelings for him and where we are headed, I feel incredibly exposed right now, vulnerable even.

Oh well. It will all work out in the wash. I just need to pay more attention to my mouth, being more mindful of what I do and don't say...basically filter myself. And I also need to be a little more careful with how much I allow myself to dig without him here.

Much of the Same...

Yea, still feeling a lot of the same. I was surprised to look at my blog and realize it’s been more than a week since my last post yet…I do not see any improvement. I’ve had one good day and a couple of ok days since but nothing to jump for joy over. If anything, things have really just gotten worse. Or…maybe it seems that way because this is still lingering around.

In all truths, I feel like I am going a little crazy. No matter what I do, no matter what I concentrate on I can not seem to pull myself out of this one. A friend has suggested that perhaps it’s a hormone issue. Whether pregnant or just an imbalance coming off of the pills. Maybe she’s right. I have no clue. I have my doctor’s appointment on Monday so we shall see then I guess.

In the mean time, I’m doing nothing more than getting myself into trouble. My behavior has been despicable. I’ve found myself snapping at M and yesterday, I down right yelled. I deserved him raising his voice to me and shutting me down. By the same token though…in this warped sense of vision, it just hurt and made me more angry. But now, it wasn’t just anger or aggravation with him, but with myself. I’m feeling a lot of regret for the way I’ve acted, regret that I can’t seem to pull myself up.

There’s a lot of fear too. I fear, what if I am pregnant and this hormonal. Will I be like this for 9 months? I don’t know if I can deal with that. I fear it pushing M away. I look at his ex and I cringe because I feel I am no better right now. He all but ran from her, even went as far as getting me to help him get rid of her. He says it isn't, but he forgets I know him better than I know myself. He holds back and just goes quiet...all of which he's done since the last posting.

I don’t know…I am really just blowing steam I guess. I have a lot in my head, some of it probably isn’t worth giving voice to. Of course…after yesterday, I am not sure I should even be saying this much. My mouth seems to just get me in trouble. I’m sorry this probably hasn’t made much sense. Not much is making much sense to me right now…just trying to get rid of this extra weight I guess.