So, it’s been a while since I wrote. Life as of late seemed to explode. I was fortunate to be able to fly out to Florida for several days with M. It was a much needed break from the day to day but more importantly it was much needed bonding time between the two of us. Living apart is not easy so our time together is extremely valuable. The trip was wonderful. I found myself attached to the town and location, M and I looking at the bigger picture of moving and starting a life there. With his job, it would be easier for Ding and I to relocate than him. I don’t particularly mind. Sure, I will miss all that is New Orleans but while it’s been my home all my life it is not so homey anymore without M. I’d gladly move to Saudi Arabia if it meant being with him. Just saying…
Now that I am back, the difficulties of being apart are even more prevalant. I’ve been dealing with a drop that is kicking my ass. We refrained from sex the last day in hopes of avoiding making it worse but it doesn’t really matter. Leaving on that plane was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I only managed with the knowledge that sometime within the coming months we’d be moving towards Ding and I coming back…permanently. It still wasn’t easy, extremely tearful and even now a good week since I still find myself crying at the drop of a dime. It’s rough because it hurts…physically hurts.
To make matters worse, I am dealing with a double edged sword. Forget the complications of looking to make a permanent move to another state, dealing with child custody issues, employment, etc. Throw on top that I am now dealing with one of two results. I was on birth control…again. The pills themselves made life almost miserable before my trip. I dealt with side effects such as month long break through bleeding, extreme fatigue, mood swings, cramping and extreme breast tenderness. The pills did not sit so well with my fibrocystic breast disease. A week before my trip life started to equal out, the side effects subsiding and things just getting back to normal physically. The mood swings had even abated. I was only on those pills because my cycle would have fallen right on my vacation. So! I opted for pills to move it.
The day I got back, I went off of them. I can’t sustain the side effects long term and well…let’s face it. I had been on the pill before, got pregnant and because of my every day hormonal imbalace due to the PCOS, the pills only worked even more against me and in turn ended in a miscarriage. I did not want to take that chance. Only problem now? No cycle. So the question is…Am I pregnant? It’s still too early to tell. My doctor advised that I wait two weeks before coming in. Fine. But in the mean time, I’m starting to deal with fatique, mood swings, an upset stomach that could be taken as “morning sickness” cravings, etc. It’s really kind of wearing on me. It’s too early to be feeling quite like this, at least that I know of. I could be wrong. But the thing is, could it be pregnancy or could it be my body trying to adjust again because of the lack of hormones from the pill?
I don’t know and won’t know for at least another week or so. In the meantime, I am being less than ideal submissive wise and probably even riding a fine line in the girlfriend category. I’m terribly FAIL right now in most catagories. At work I am not able to concentrate, I find myself aggitated, I don’t feel good and all I want to do is nap…a LOT. Of course, sleeping at night has been next to impossible the last few nights. I find that I'm downing myself pretty hard right now. I’m sorry M, I really am and I am trying…
