Much of the Same...

Yea, still feeling a lot of the same. I was surprised to look at my blog and realize it’s been more than a week since my last post yet…I do not see any improvement. I’ve had one good day and a couple of ok days since but nothing to jump for joy over. If anything, things have really just gotten worse. Or…maybe it seems that way because this is still lingering around.

In all truths, I feel like I am going a little crazy. No matter what I do, no matter what I concentrate on I can not seem to pull myself out of this one. A friend has suggested that perhaps it’s a hormone issue. Whether pregnant or just an imbalance coming off of the pills. Maybe she’s right. I have no clue. I have my doctor’s appointment on Monday so we shall see then I guess.

In the mean time, I’m doing nothing more than getting myself into trouble. My behavior has been despicable. I’ve found myself snapping at M and yesterday, I down right yelled. I deserved him raising his voice to me and shutting me down. By the same token though…in this warped sense of vision, it just hurt and made me more angry. But now, it wasn’t just anger or aggravation with him, but with myself. I’m feeling a lot of regret for the way I’ve acted, regret that I can’t seem to pull myself up.

There’s a lot of fear too. I fear, what if I am pregnant and this hormonal. Will I be like this for 9 months? I don’t know if I can deal with that. I fear it pushing M away. I look at his ex and I cringe because I feel I am no better right now. He all but ran from her, even went as far as getting me to help him get rid of her. He says it isn't, but he forgets I know him better than I know myself. He holds back and just goes quiet...all of which he's done since the last posting.

I don’t know…I am really just blowing steam I guess. I have a lot in my head, some of it probably isn’t worth giving voice to. Of course…after yesterday, I am not sure I should even be saying this much. My mouth seems to just get me in trouble. I’m sorry this probably hasn’t made much sense. Not much is making much sense to me right now…just trying to get rid of this extra weight I guess.