Early Happy Thanksgiving

So, I decided with my new found "freedom" that I would take the daughter and go visit family in Texas. The invitation came in to spend Thanksgiving there and after a little deliberation and talking to my Mom, I decided that I would take it. So...I leave out tomorrow morning. Kind of happy about it.

It's been over a week now and yes, things are getting better. Every day gets a little easier and good news is...no more tears. The typical mood swings come and go. The sad moments are fewer and father between and I have more happy moments now. The biggest thing that has set in is anger. I find at times, I get out right angry and so betrayed. Now that things are starting to come around, I have time to think a little clearer. And there are just some things that don't make sense as to "why" and how it all played out.


I have my own theories but in the end, I guess it really doesn't matter. I am working hard not to hate. I don't want that either. But, I see now too clearly just how thin that line between love and hate are. Kind of strange really, to love someone so much and yet you want to kick their teeth down their throat at times lol. No...I am not a violent person. But...in my anger, there are times I could be.


But in any case, I want to wish all of my friends here a VERY Happy Thanksgiving. Despite the pain, I do have things to be thankful for. You guys here who have given support, please know that I am extremely thankful and your names will be on my list of things to give thanks for.

Love you all!!

Banana

Day 4

So, as many of you indicated, life does go on. Even when you feel it might not, it does. It isn't easy by any stretch of the means, but every day does get a little bit easier. Approaching day 5 and I am feeling better than I had when I wrote day 1. My appetite is slowly returning, I have successfully kept down a few meals now. They've been small and kind of light but they aren't coming back up so that is a huge plus. And last night, I actually got a total of 6 hours of sleep. That's progress I think lol.

I've had the support of some pretty amazing friends, both here online and out in the real world. I can't express my gratitude enough for that. I find emotionally I drift between emotions. One minute I am sad, another I am angry and then others I am ok...even capable of smiling and laughing. I have been thinking a lot though. Some good and some bad.

The bad? I've tried to reason things out such as there has to be someone else, it was all just lies, etc. You know, the usual things. But something I did realize was that not one bad thought involved me questioning myself or what I had done wrong. I contemplated as to why, because with every other relationship I had done that, turning it internally. It just HAD to be something I did wrong. I've tried to find where I would have gone wrong here and honestly, I can't find one. I did what I had to, was never shy about my feelings and wants for our relationship. I stood ready to sacrifice all to be by his side and at his feet. I can't give anymore than that and I fought till the end. So I really have no regrets there.

The good? I've realized that no matter what, I am going to be ok. It doesn't matter really what the ultimate reasons for the end was. I know that I am worth something fighting for. Sure, a part of me does hope that he decides that he realizes that and can't live without me. But ya know what? I feel ok saying it. Why? Because I know ultimately, if he never does...I will be ok with that too.

Last night, he and I had the first meaningful conversation since this all happened. It was a good conversation. I got to say how I feel and that was needed. He admitted he loves me and has some regrets. I was able to say I love you too without breaking down in tears. That was a shocker for me. But, ultimately I know why. I am gaining my confidence back and...I am ok with letting go if need be. I know that if it's meant to be, then it will come back. If it isn't, then he will go on to live his life and I will continue on my journey.

I'm not stupid, by any means. I know that even if he said right now that he wanted to come back, he'd have to tow the line. There would be a lot to fix because honestly, even now when he says he still loves me, I don't know that I can really trust that. He'd have to work to repair all of that and it would seriously be ON him. But then, nothing that has ever been worth it is free and frankly...I am worth fighting for. That isn't vanity, that's just know what I am worth.

So, in the end, while this may hurt like pure hell and there are moments still that I want nothing more than to run back to him...I will be ok. I know that it will be a long time before I can completely stand without missing him or feeling like the biggest part of me is missing. I know what I ultimately want in life, I've never been shy about that. If he wants the same thing too, then he will have to step up and be the man that takes it. He left, so the first call or move will have to come from him. I will say though, I don't want friendship. It is either all or nothing. But in the end, no matter what he chooses, life will go on.

Day 1

A little more than 3 years ago, I met someone who would change my life...impacting it in ways I never would imagine. Two years and 6 months ago, that same person decided we would try out a relationship of sorts. He was dominant and I was submissive. Neither of us were prepared, like truly prepare for the full emotional impact it would have. We eventually found love growing from it. It eventually grew into an all consuming love, where we just knew we had found the one. Or, at least I did and believed he felt the same. We struggled with distance and time, the loss of 2 pregnancies, my ex and custody issues with the daughter I have. But through it all, I held faith. Had someone told me 3 years ago that 3 years from now it would all end, I would have probably kicked their asses and told them to go screw with someone else.

Yesterday, the unthinkable happened. Or...perhaps not so unthinkable. He said he didn't believe in us anymore. He didn't believe that we would triumph over our obstacles. He said it was over.

So, I find myself sitting here. I eventually managed to pull myself out of bed, only because I have a child who demanded I do so. Her life can't stop just because mine came to an end at the blink of an eye. The pain is incredibly unbearable. To be honest, I have moments where I question reality. I keep telling myself that I will wake up but the truth is, I am awake and this is not just another nightmare. Part of me wants to believe that at any moment, he is going to be outside, standing in the rain, holding up a cheesy ass boom box and everything will be right in the world. But...seriously, I am no leading actress and he doesn't own a ragged black trench coat. Life isn't a movie and I have to accept that he is not going to come back and tell me he can't livehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif without me.

So...it's day one. They say every day will get easier. I don't necessarily agree. When he left, he took everything with him. All of my happiness, my life, my dreams, my hopes and my home. He was all of that too me and more. Despite what others said, the doubting Thomases...I believe in him and in us with more conviction than my own religious faith. He was/is my life partner, my best friend. I ultimately feel like all that was good in me was ripped away yesterday. Perhaps one day the pain will recede and I will be able to put on a half way decent smile. But for now, I will just focus on trying to breath and get from one second to the next...and struggle with the fact that I still love him more than words could ever say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9W-4PMngAU

Long Hiatus

Let's try this again shall we. Was trying to post from my phone but it's fickle.

I"ve been away for a while now. Life got overly hectic, not that it's slowed but...it's time I get back to writing. Not for M, but for myself. During my sabbatacle, Ding had surgery on her belly button. She had a belly button hernia since birth. Apparently it's common but she is now back up to full speed. Let me tell ya...trying to keep an 8 year old down for a week and then tell them they can't swim in the pool out back for 4 to 6 weeks during a hot ass summer....YEA RIGHT! The only saving grace is school is back in session for her. So...she's not as IN my hair as she was. That was rough lol.

As for M and I, we had a great trip back in July. It was much needed, especially for the two of us and where WE were going as a couple. So many times with Distance, you really just often need time to reconnect. It's hard because you don't have that on a regular basis and you crave it. It often is the root of many issues that pop up. I can admit it's been a huge factor in a lot of the things between M and I. Over all, things have been good between us.

For now, just really trying to work on ME issues. Some rather personal things have happened recently that has been sort of a set back...well...if I am going to be honest, it's been a HUGE blow. But, I am working on it little by little. I am not overly ready to divulge the details as of yet. It's still a little too...fresh...to go pulling the bandaid over the wound so to speak.

But other wise, things are what they are. He's busy, I'm Busy, Ding is a typical 8 yr old busy girl...life is flying and we are all trying to hold on to our seats.

Lather, Rinse and Repeat

Sometimes life is just like that. You feel like all you ever do is lather, rinse and repeat. You do the same things over and over again only to turn around and have to do it yet again. You take care of a problem only to have it pop back and again…lather, rinse repeat.

I had the same conversation with my 8 year old daughter this morning. Why do you keep doing the same thing that gets you in trouble over and over and over again? If you touch a hot stove and burn your hand, are you going to touch it again? Her answer was no because it would hurt. So, then I asked if she had to get hurt for her to learn. It was a smart ass question but it does make me stop to wonder. Because the truth is pain doesn’t always stop the whole “Lather, Rinse and Repeat” cycle. Common sense tells us that if it hurts, you don’t do it again. But what about in a relationship?

If you get hurt in a relationship, do you follow common sense and just quit? Or, do you hold your ground and “Lather, Rinse and Repeat” ? Sure, there are some pains that will make you jump off the band wagon faster than you can get an ouch out. But what if it’s little pains? You try and try and try and try yet again but the same issue comes up. What then? How does one know when enough is enough of the whole lather, rinse and repeat? At what point does your brain overtake your heart and basically tell it “Look dummy, sure you love him/her but seriously there are no more parts to break, it’s time to throw in the towel!” ?

Sadly, we don’t exactly have those cool boxing ref’s who will step in and stop the cycle or even a circuit breaker that will flip when it gets over loaded. We are left on our own to figure out when enough is enough. It is up to us to decide when the brain wins over the heart. It’s not easy…but then, who said life was? More over, who ever said relationships are. Just comes down to deciding which is the path you can live with? Going your own way or…Lather, Rinse and Repeat.

Passion and Sex

Some people laugh when you say the word. They think it sounds so corny. And I guess for those that don’t really understand the word or it’s meaning in a relationship, it is corny. But it really is a key element, an important part of a relationship…any relationship.

In my previous marriage. I was married to a man who didn’t want sex at all. I guess I was lucky if I could convince him to have sex a whole 2 times a year. Yea…I bought stock in Duracell AND energizer lol. Then, if I was to convince him…I’d better be less than vanilla. It had to be past 10 o’clock at night, with the lights off and same position. Inspiring I know. I know this because I tried everything else in the book. I owned more costumes than the local costume shop ranging from nurse to maid to stripper to librarian to…well, that list could go on. If I thought a guy could possibly get turned on by it, I tried it. Each time I was pretty much met with the attitude and words of “Why are you dressed like that? It isn’t Halloween.” Then, tried the whole naked Betty Crocker thing. That went over so well and earned me the stern lecture of “We do NOT sit naked at the dinner table and NO, you can go get dressed before thinking to sit down and eat with me.” Seriously, it was a real Charlie Sheen type of WINNING situation. To top off the lack of any sexual intimacy, there really wasn’t any other type either. We didn’t hold hands, no random kisses, no touching what so ever unless it was to pass each other in the hall or kitchen…so the accidental kind.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great friend and an awesome father. My daughter is incredibly lucky to have a Dad like him. Raising her is where he and I do see eye to eye. As for the other aspects of his personality, he really is pretty cool. Extremely funny, can be fun loving, responsible, very well mannered and respectful. I knew without a doubt he’d never once raise a hand to hit me but sadly, he didn’t know hitting could come in a good form lol. He was an awesome cook and was so extremely helpful around the house. We both equally pulled our weight. But the fall out and destruction of our marriage came because in the end, I didn’t want to spend my life sexless and unhappy. Call me shallow but I was living with a roommate I just happened to be legally attached to. Nothing more. He was a friend, not anywhere near being a husband. There was no passion, in any form.

But it was not until recently that I began to figure out that sex and passion are 2 TOTALLY different things. You can want sex, even be involved in an active sexual relationship yet there not really be any passion. Sex is just what it is. It’s an urge, an instinct. We all want it at some point. But passion…passion is stronger, needier…very much spawned from being deeply in love or serious lust with someone.

pas·sion

n.

1. A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.

2.a. Ardent love.

b. Strong sexual desire; lust.

c. The object of such love or desire.

3. a. Boundless enthusiasm: His skills as a player don't quite match his passion for the game.

b. The object of such enthusiasm: Soccer is her passion.

4. An abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger: He's been known to fly into a passion without warning.

5. Passion

a. The sufferings of Jesus in the period following the Last Supper and including the Crucifixion, as related in the New

Testament.

b. A narrative, musical setting, or pictorial representation of Jesus’ sufferings.

6. Archaic Martyrdom.

7. Archaic Passivity.

In the end, it is what spurs our fantasies about the person your with. It’s what drives you to do things during sex, you had never considered before. And in TTWD, passion plays a major part in our sexual lives. How can a submissive fulfill her Master’s desires (and I say her, not in offense to male subs…just me being female.) if she is not part of his fantasies? How can a Master inspire his submissive if there is no passion?

It’s not an easy thing to keep alive either. It takes work on BOTH ends. I’ve learned that too recently. What happens if you’re the only one ever leaving dirty notes or sending texts? What if you’re the only one willing to be explicit? What if you’re the only one asking for a scene or to be pushed (in the case of a sub)? What if the response you get to any of it is “I want you too baby” ? Well, for me…I want a candy bar too but doesn’t mean I have any sort of passion for said candy bar. It goes back to the difference between sex and passion. You can want sex till the cows come home but it doesn’t exactly say you’re passionate about me. In the end, without that passion or desire reciprocated, much like in the instance with my ex, it becomes a moot point. You lose that passion for the one you’re with. Not because you want to…but because you can’t carry that torch alone. It's kind of like the saying goes "Use it or lose it." As much as I hate to say it...it's true.

Saying "I love you" just isn't enough sometimes. Saying "I want you" isn't enough sometimes. Sometimes you have to prove it. And it very well may require you drop your sense of "propriety" or your modesty and say the dirty little things you only whisper when your masturbating or do the dirty little things you have brewing in your head. And...if clothing gets ripped...well...that's what clothing stores are for. Either way, show the one you're with that you're passionate about them. Not that you just want to fuck their brains out...that they inspire you to do just that. Sex can be found with anyone...but passion, that's what makes it memorable. It's what makes it lasting.

Shadow Attacks

Over the last several weeks, no matter where I go whether it be fellow bloggers that I follow or on FET Life, I keep seeing the same thing. Unwarranted attacks by Anonymous. I've sat down here at my desk many times to write on it but I always end up with the same thing. I sink to this shadow's level, in essence arguing needlessly a case for TTWD. I always end up deleting everything I've written because let's face it, so many of us are doing just that only to end up with a seemingly never ending string of comments that go back and forth getting us all no where. Knowing anything that I've started up until now would only be said in anger and sure, it may make a point, it would still just be more fuel for this Shadow's argument. But...today, I think it's time for a change.

A lot of what we do in this lifestyle is controversial at best. It goes against the very grain of what society "preaches" where women are concerned. We do things in our private spaces that can sometimes be admittedly risky. Outsiders see us as perverts and freaks. We get it, we know it and it's time some in our lifestyle just accept that we probably won't be changing the world anytime soon. Sure, we should educate the dumb but in the end, as long as it's a choice we made to be here, it's only our opinions of our own lives that matter. Sadly, we still live in a world full of prejudices and the over-opinionated have seriously outnumbered the more well mannered.

Today, we exist in a world where secrets, especially dirty ones are hard to keep. Television and the world wide web has given everyone the power to have knowledge of almost anything at our fingertips. So, people are exposed to more. A lifestyle that was never really meant for the main stream has suddenly found itself outed among the common population. In some ways it's good, because we no longer have to live in solitude in our closets and finding other like minded people has become easier. We are able to build our networking communities for educating and supporting the interested and practicing members alike. But sadly, there seems to be just as much bad with it because we are now open to the close-minded as well. It's a facet we sadly have to accept as reality. If we choose to have blogs and live somewhat open, then we have to take the bad that comes with that decision as well.

BUT! By the same token, just like with any prejudice or racial oppression, we do not deserve it either. The common theme to Anonymous' comments generally all run the same. The Dominants/Masters/Mistresses are horrible, abusive people and us submissives are scared, brainwashed lambs who are stuck in an archaic and abusive relationship...and we all need mental help. My question is, on what basis is this ASSUMPTION made Anonymous? What medical fact? Do you have documented proof that this is what it is? If so, PLEASE feel free to share. More over, please feel free to share your doctorate in psychology as well. In the end, instead of spewing unchecked and untested rhetoric, give us something to chew on. You'll actually find we're all quite educated and TTWD stretches further than you think.

In my research to "base" your argument on, I came across something I felt needs to be shared. It's controversial sure but then one of the points you've made is that we are "setting things back for women a million years." It's called Sex-Positive Feminism. It basically centered on the woman's right to choose her sexuality and oppose the forces that be that try to censor and demean it. Something you, Anonymous, need to realize is that in the end, it is OUR choice. You CHOOSE to be vanilla. And that's cool, no one in this lifestyle will tell you that this is for everyone. It very much is not. But, by the same token, we've chosen to walk this path and for us it is very rewarding.

Let me put it this way. You may look at life and decide "In order for me to be happy I have to have...." A house, a car, a boat, wheat bread only, parkay over real butter...whatever...you get the point I am sure. For us, we do what we do because we've deemed this is what will make us happy. It can't be called abuse if we are asking to get a spanking. We can't be called stupid, dumb, deaf or blind because most of us go through pain staking efforts to make sure we are well educated in the lifestyle. It's like a saying one of my best friends tell me all the time "You can't rape the willing." It comes down to consent and everything we do and practice is consensual.

Sure, we can all admit that abuse happens. Some of us have even been in abusive relationships as well as some of us are survivors of rape. Key word there is SOME, not all. But we ALL (Those that are serious about the lifestyle we've chosen) take our responsibility of our partner's welfare seriously. Hell, if truth be told...I'm a submissive and my Dominant could probably say I'm the abusive one. I know there are times I tax him emotionally. There are times when I've taxed him physically...call me a nympho, he likes it and nurtures that me. That pretty much blows your abuse theory out of the water.

So...before you go blasting others, educate yourself. Use manners as well. We're civilized people and you know what? We're actually pretty cool people if you'd take the time to talk to us. You don't have to agree, hell some of us welcome the challenge of a difference of opinion. But...stop wasting your time and ours with your close-minded, off handed and uneducated arguments. We have better things to do...like have a life. And for those in the lifestyle...don't give into the temptation of hate that people like this cause. Most of us monitor our comments, use it. It's a great feature and if a comment comes through that serves no real purpose or response to your post...delete it and move on. We've got bigger fish to fry.

Tired

Thank god it's Friday. Another day in the week and I'd scream. To be honest, after the last couple of weeks I'm just...tired, exhausted both mentally and physically. My insomnia has not been very well behaved. Then there's just been too much on my mind. So...I'm tired, tired of not sleeping, tired of all the stuff in my head, tired of not being able to shut my mind off...just...tired.

Then, throw being aggravated on top of being tired. I read somewhere though that lack of sleep would exascerbate the problem. Well...if the stuff that keeps aggravating me would take a break or go away, then I could sleep and thus...not be tired. Right? I'm not that lucky. So, I am stuck in that vicious cycle. I'm aggravated by a few things going on in my life right now which leads to too much thinking. Too much thinking mixed with my insomnia makes for a serious lack of sleep. According to studies, the lack of sleep in females lead to more aggravation so instead of catching a break somewhere in all of this it only gets worse.

I dunno. I just want a happy, normal day. I've woken up in a good mood the last two mornings, have told myself that no matter what I will have a good day. Then...reality, broken promises, lack of effort and crappy work place sneak in to bitch slap me and say "I dooooon't think so hooka! I make the rules now suffa!"

Scary thing is...I totally just heard a voice in my head saying that. Perhaps lack of sleep is leading to delusions too. I would guess so, I've been delusional in thinking there'd be changes for the better. I'm delusional every night when I lay down to go to sleep and tell myself that tonight will be the night...then 3 hours later I look at the clock for the millionth time and feel like crying because in 4 hours I have to be back up.

Sorry for the rant. Just had to get that little shot of bitchiness off my chest. I have a long evening ahead with my daughter, my 5 yr old neice and my 3 yr old neice running amuck in my home tonight. *Prays that God keeps her from totally going crazy* I am hoping it's enough to keep me busy and wear me out so that I like pass out lol

Happy Father's Day early to all of you Dads and Daddys out there!

The Importance of Educating Yourself

Education, it’s something we are all overly familiar with. We begin learning from day one. Our parents guide us, teaching us how to walk, talk, manners, pray…Virtually everything. Then at the age of 5, 4 for some of us, they send us to school so we can learn to read, write, add, subtract, etc. Then later we move on to college, trade school, whatever. Even after than, we continue to read and learn new things. Some of us even take classes to learn something new like crochet or cake baking. There are even parenting classes. The point is learning and education never stop. It’s in our nature to constantly obtain new information, new ways of doing things or perhaps something we never did or thought of before. Our brains are like sponges, constantly thirsting for more stuff to absorb.

Now, the sad fact is there are a LOT of people out there that seem to be afflicted with the “I know it all” disease that strikes us all when we are teenagers. Thankfully for some of us, we outgrow the disease and continue on our way. For some, it settles in a little too deep, preventing them from growing up and becoming adults in the real world. Another sad fact is there are some out there that are just too lazy to put forth the effort. Again, thankfully there are some of us that realize anything in life takes work…even breathing.

Something I’ve found common in the misinformed and/or uneducated is Ego. I’ve met some who would rather cut off a limb then willingly admit that they can’t do or don’t know how to do something. Their Ego won’t allow it and even worse, it convinces them to lie saying that they do. Why? To who’s benefit? You would not build a house and sell it if you knew nothing about building houses. You could get sued. You wouldn’t go Bungee jumping by yourself if you knew nothing about it, you could get killed. You wouldn’t go waltzing into a hospital and start performing surgeries, you could get arrested. You wouldn’t just go and lead a troop into a battle, you’d get yourself and everyone with you killed…and probably end up in Leavenworth Prison lol.

All of those things involve huge risks so you best have the proper education. News Flash…so does TTWD. The “I know everything” disease, Over swelled Egos and Laziness have no place in our lifestyle. The lack of education and learning can lead to emotional and physical pain and scaring…and yes, even death when you think about it. Many of us include kink or bdsm play into our lifestyle and R.A.C.K. (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or SSC(Safe. Sane and Consensual) exist for a reason. We have community groups, classes, websites and books to educate us so that we are all aware of the risks and can make the proper decisions to hopefully avoid those emotional and physical scars...and possibly worse.

Think about it, if you have not learned to lead/control yourself or respect others then how can you properly and safely lead a submissive. And that would apply to a submissive as well. You have to have self control and respect for yourself and others in order to follow. Either could lead to serious emotional distresses and hurt. If you’ve never used or have been taught how to use many of the toys commonly used in play…whips, floggers, tens units, hot wax, canes, etc. then you really have no business using them because it could lead to serious physical injury.

The scary thing is, even still today with so many resources available to us now, you still hear of submissives falling into traps with someone calling themselves a “Dom” or “Domme” as an excuse to abuse. You still hear of people getting hurt using equipment they know nothing about. The lack of educating yourself whether submissive or Dominant is, in my opinion, inexcusable now days. Sure, we all make mistakes and yep…even the most knowledgeable people can get carried away. It happens. But it shouldn’t happen because “You didn’t know” or “Haven’t learned any better.” Read, take classes, get in contact with your local groups, seek the advice of other Dominants and/or submissives (There are so many out there willing to help and can offer advice on TTWD). Educate yourself and remember as with anything in life…it very much does require constant learning, trial and error.

Silence

Sometimes silence is needed but there are other times that the very silence you seek is deafening. Perhaps it's because of the world we live in today. Everything is hustle and bustle, there really is never a quiet time. No matter where you live anymore, there is always some sort of noise. Firetrucks, car horns, traffic on the main road, police cars, neighbors...the list could go on. We adjust ourselves to those noises and they become habit. It's like sleeping with a fan or Window unit air conditioner. You just adjust. But then, you go somewhere else, say on vacation. You're in the middle of no where and there is complete silence. At first, it's nice. You smile and think to yourself "Wow...this is sooo peaceful and I am so going to sleep like a log."

But, if you're anything like me. Silence provides too much time to think. Silence leaves you in your own head to think, day dream, analyze, etc. It gives us time for our minds to go for a ride on its own. The silence becomes filled with thoughts, musings, memories. But too often, it is filled with words left unsaid. So much so that it begins to scream louder than any noise we are accustomed to. And it's in those deafening moments that the worst of thoughts, ideas, assumptions and plans are born. That scream without sound often will push us to say things we wouldn't say otherwise.

And sadly, sometimes those words that emerge from the silence are words that were better left unsaid...silent. I'm dealing with silence today and can not say whether it's good or bad. It comes on the tail end of an argument that was in a way spurred from the very deafening silence I spoke about. It's a double edged sword that has left me feeling...out of sorts and I am not quite sure how to resolve it.

But, this is really the song that's been playing in my head all day. Too fitting for my taste.

Everything's coming up roses...

Ok, so not really BUT! It will get there. M and I have started to make some real progress where we are concerned. We've taken some much needed time to begin to reconnect. Of course...it does help that we've managed to have sex every day for the past week and will say it hasn't come close to satisfying this nagging need to be used. But, it helps none the less hehehe.

As for other areas, he's been very good about trying to reinforce his words with actions. Honestly, it's been a long while since he was as considerate and well...in control for a lack of better terms, since our new days together. We lost so much as time went on and began to really take for granted the relationship, our relationship and our roles in TTWD. And I have had a hard time being accusatory. For a long while I could not bring myself to say "HEY! JERK! YOU'RE HURTING ME SO STOP!" or just admitting out loud that he was failing in a lot of areas. I've started moving past that. I carried my own faults in all of this, but I am also able to admit where he was at fault. And believe it or not...it's an important step.

Slowly but surely, M and I are starting to regain our footing with each other. His work load is finally letting up. This last semester does worry me a little, more gun shy than anything. But, with the new open lines of communication and reaffrimed commitement to one another, hopefully it will go by seemless and come July his outside responsibilities will settle into a more normal pattern. And that's a good thing.

We are far from perfect or completely restored but we're on our way to getting there. We've got the distance issue, the Ex and custody issue, settling him back into his Dominant role and growth and a few other issues to work through but one step at a time right?

Learning to trust again

Have you ever had to? Learn to trust all over again that is. It isn't easy, if anything I am finding it harder to than when M and I first started out. I have never been one to trust easily. It's always been something that is hard earned but once you have gained it...you HAVE IT. So much so, that I often find it is hard to break once established. But usually when you do break it...well...in the past it's been a complete killjoy. There has never been any coming back. But then, I don't think anyone's ever really TRIED either.

Now in the case of M, a lot of hurt has come between us, trust in him and in us has been all but obliterated. It's heart wrenching to say the least. But unlike in the past, he and I do want to make things work. We've both agreed it's what we want, what we both desire and yes...eventually we would like to get back the D/s side of us. Issue there? That's where the break down in trust came and then like dominoes, everything else tumbling after.

The issues I am having is how. How do you go about it? Where do you start? I've impressed upon him that to me a good place to start is begin showing me that his word is what it is. If you say you are going to do something, then do it. Then go from there. Other than that...I seem to be drawing a blank because it's uncharted territory. Then there is the issue of myself, allowing myself to trust again without any reservation. Unlike at the beginning, now there is history there...something for the brain to rely on. So...how do I overcome it? They say you have to forgive and let go. That's so much easier said than done. You can forgive till the cows come home and you think you've let it go but then one little thing happens and it's like ripping the scab off an open would...you find yourself bleeding again.

Another issue I'm also having trouble with is outside of us. My daughter, my family...my daughter though more importantly. The issues my ex has with the daughter being around M is fear of her getting hurt. I have always had the belief as has He that we would not bring anyone into her life that was not serious. And We have both been very good in that regards. She has only ever met one other that I've dated and it was genuinely because he and I were friends before and have remained that way since. He's actually married now and has a little one on the way. I know his wife and all that good stuff. So no real regrets of the daughter meeting him. I knew that ultimately he would always be a part of my life so there was no real fear of her getting hurt by getting attached. With M, while we were friends before we got together, she had not met him before. There is not this long repoire.

The issues between him and I make me want to hold back. Is that wrong? I get afraid that if we can't fix what is between us then she could get hurt in all of this. She already knows of him and has talked to him a good bit. She likes him. But what if she gets more attached? If he and I can not make things right...then she will get her hopes up only to have them dashed. I won't even go into the whole "I want a brother" issue. Kids for M and I, while we managed to conceive before and I had not said this aloud until now...I find myself wondering as of late if this...these issues are not the reason bean was taken from us. Harsh I know...but hind sight is always 20/20.

Just a lot of questions and not a whole lot in the way of answers. They will come I guess. Just needing some wisdom or relief at the moment.

Anger Management Anyone?

Really, that is about how I feel right now. Every day it becomes more and more frustrating because I find myself angry at every turn. Even the daughter is feeling it and my family...well, they are pretty much just staying out of the way.

I find myself angry at myself when I absent-mindedly begin writing a morning email. Or like yesterday, sending the typical lunch time check in. Oooh I got so down right mad at myself. But, it didn't get recognized anyway so I guess I shouldn't really hold a grudge...especially with the inner me lol. I get angry for being angry. They say it's all a natural part of the grieving process. And honestly, I never really gave thought to grieving the loss of domination. But it very much is the same. I go from moments of sadness to anger. I feel a little bit on the schitzo side but, it too will pass. It's just hard finding that silver lining when you're in the thick of things.

I've been considering therapy, just to help deal with the turmoil of emotions. Just hard finding a "kink-friendly" therapist here in the Big Easy. It isn't something that's exactly advertised and I've been in touch with friends in the community here for suggestions and oddly, no one seems to know anyone. So, I very well may have to suck it up and seek counsel with someone of the vanilla variety and pray that they at least can grasp the concept of TTWD enough to NOT commit me to a mental ward lol. Just kidding, any therapist at this point should be ok. It's the fundamentals of what they are there for that need help.

But, we shall see I would guess...

The sport of Awkward

I am going to become a pro at that. If they made a new event at the olympics for "Awkward" I would have a pretty good shot at the gold lol.

So it's been 4 days since I did something I never thought I would do. In order to save the rest of M and I's relationship, I withdrew my submission. I know what you're thinking "How in the hell will that save your relationship?" Because we got to a really bad place where D/s is concerned that it was threatening to kill the whole relationship completely. Like...resentment was coming close to turning to hate and that would ultimately end anything he and I have together at all.

It's been awkward and just out right strange. I am finding that after only 2 years of writing daily emails, checking in periodically, defaulting to him to make a decision...they are hard to overcome once ingrained. Every morning I start to write and then I realize what I'm doing and have to tell myself to stop. It's just...different. I am not sure how long this will last but I hope that it allows us the break we evidently needed in order to save what ever is left. I still have issues with trust. And no...not in the sense that I think he's going out screwing someone else. It's more the findamental trust of knowing he will be there when I need him. That hurts to admit, but it's honest. I wasn't asking for all of his time, just simple consideration...my role or not. As subs, we need to feel safe in order to be able to open ourselves up for complete submission. That wasn't happening anymore. He was distant/busy with everything else and I was pulling back into my shell again.

We've also found that sex...is different. With us, even when traveling the vanilla route, there was still an element of his control there. Right now, there really isn't. But along with the control went other forms of connection it would seem. I don't know how to really explain it. It's just off but what is more saddening is the fact that out of every other aspect, it's the only place I feel the loss of control. It's almost like that was the only area any control was left. Scary if you ask me, especially when he and I were supposed to be 24/7.

We'll see though. The floaties are off and now it's up to us to sink or swim. I'm hoping for the best because ultimately...he and I do really love each other. I know that without a doubt. We just need to find a way to fix the issues and move ahead.

When submission becomes painful

No one ever said submission is in any way easy. We all go in with the understanding that it will probably be an every day struggle to maintain. In submission, we do things that aren't always natural. We also understand that there will be a certain level of pain, both physical and occasionally emotional. But what about when you come to the realization that the pain you're experiencing is neither healthy nor good for either of you? What if, as a sub, you realize that your submission is hurting not only you but your partner as well? As my daughter would say...It sucks.

It all begins slowly. You begin to notice that perhaps your dom is a little distant. You ask, but the only reason given is "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just busy right now." Then you begin to notice little neglects here and there. Perhaps emails or tasks go unnoticed. You reason out that they are just busy so you push it aside. But then tasks stop coming, you try discussing things you saw in a blog or read in a book and they seem to only half listen. Then you begin noticing rituals stop. When you're together, there are no scenes, you have to actually ask for play time. You bring up the topic with your Dom and again you get "I'm sorry, life is just really busy right now." You try your best to be understanding and go on about your business. Then you get a bite here and there and you start to think "Oh! Things are going to get back to normal." But that hit comes once and it's a long while before it happens again.

Time rolls on and more things fall by the way side, rituals are all but gone, the presence of D/s fades from every aspect of your relationship. You become scared so you bring it up again. You know that your Dom's life has been a little hectic but then when is life NOT hectic. You disclose your fears, your budding insecurities, the fact you are second guessing yourself and your submission. They tell you again "I'm sorry. This is not your fault, it's mine. Life has just been too hectic." It's been months. You begin to feel regret. Maybe you even begin acting out from time to time to test the waters. But, instead of even getting in trouble, you get no reaction. You regret your actions because you know that acting out for attention is wrong. You admit it to your Dom. "This isn't your fault. It's mine. Life has just been hectic." You know that you need to be punished, you need something...anything to make the fact that your guilt is eatting away at your insides. You ask for punishment and it doesn't come.

So, you resolve yourself. In the back of your head, you know the roller coaster has to stop. But, you're determined...you're going to make this work. You double your efforts. You hold your tongue and sit quietly at their side. You promise them you will be obedient and patient. On the outside, you appear like the dutiful sub but on the inside little pieces of you are dying. You begin to hate yourself. You begin hating even the word "submissive" and in ways you become spiteful. The little girl in you that wants so much just to have your Dom make things right is forced to sit and watch as the rejected side begins to wage war on your emotions. You don't sleep because all you do is worry. Eating becomes a chore because your insides are fighting each other for some sort of space. You and your Dom come to a space where all you do is fight. They apologize profusely and all you do is pull away. Those famous words are uttered over and over again. "I'm sorry, life is just really hectic for me right now."

Then, one day you wake up. You come to your senses and realize "Wait...I work, I take care of home, kids, meals, serving, family issues, the ex, doctors appointments." Life isn't easy for you in any sense of the word. You're on the go constantly, always busting your ass to keep up with everything that requires your attention. You never complain and you achieve the seemingly impossible task of handling life and still managing to put your submission to them first without asking for help. You've got a million things that need to be taken care of yet when they call, you're there doing anything they need to make their life easy and still accomplishing the other issues. You instantly feel resentment because all you've asked for is to play a game in the evening when everything is said and done. Or to discuss a blog or book you read. All you asked for is a small acknowledgement that they recieved something you sent that was important to you, to the relationship. Or All you asked for was just a little attention or a little pushing after a bad day just to escape for a few minutes. Or perhaps you requested a new task to keep your mind busy so as not to disturb their "BUSY SCHEDULE." Most of those things take all of a second to do.

You come to a point where your heart weighs more than your body and your submission has become just too painful to bear. You realize that you can not fulfill the role of submissive because they can not or do not want be a dominant. You realize that withdrawing your submission could possibly be the destroying factor in your relationship. But, how can someone continue to follow if there is no one leading? The simple answer is you can't. The horror of the situation is somewhere along the way, you took over leading whether it was just leading yourself or leading your Dominant. It's then that you have to face the reality that the dynamics of the D/s relationship has changed in ways that can't be fixed. That is when submission is painful in a way that just isn't acceptable and the only choice you are ultimately left with is withdrawing it...

And we're waiting...And we're waiting...And we're waiting...And we're...

Patience has never been a very strong virtue of mine. Growing up, I was worse with virtually no patiences what so ever. Then I grew up and became a mom. That taught me a huge lesson and for the most part I have improved ten fold in that area. Key words there? FOR THE MOST PART. Now mind you, we all...even the most patient of all of us...have pet peevs and our patience tends to run short. But that really isn't what I am referring to.

Finding Sara's post today really hit the nail on the head and inspired my thoughts for the day. From day one since I admitted to my submissive side and began this journey on the road to TTWD (This This We Do), it has always been a constant battle. It's natural to want things when we want them. And as natural as it is for me to submit to someone else...not everything that comes with submission is. The worst of all for me is patience and the lack there of that sometimes makes me forget that it IS NOT on my time or when I want them.

Being in a long distance relationship is a test of that patience, all too often. While M and I are making progress and moving towards the end goal of marriage and being in the same location, it is still something we deal with. The list of wants is long and varied, ranging from just being able to greet him at the door in the evenings to having him use me daily to something as simple as spending time in the evenings online together. I know that those days are coming, I know that without a shadow of doubt. But sometimes the strength of the desire for those wants tend to make me lose sight of the big picture. My impatience to have what I want, when I want it gets in the way only to cause more issues.

Here lately with the issues outside of the normal everyday couple issues have really put a hinderance on a lot of things and have amplified the lack of patience. He is busy as of late and I find myself getting miffed because he hasn't responded to a text message or question. I have gotten upset because he hasn't been able to use me as often as I'd like. His mind is often occupied with work stuff and handling our day to day things so I get ass hurt because all I'd like to hear occassionally is that he wants me.

In any case, we are both stuck in that holding pattern of waiting...and waiting...and waiting. His patience is golden as usual. Makes me envious and to the point I could say some choice words lol. But mine...not always so much. I just have to keep reminding myself it isn't really about what I want. It's about what he wants and being patient enough to sit quietly while waiting for the little moments and things that make me happiest. Because ultimately...serving him, being his, pleasing him is what makes me happiest.

It takes 2

I learned over the weekend that a "friend" (and I put it that way because she's the kind that calls when she has drama but you don't hear from her otherwise...fair weathered friend I think my mother called it) has kicked her husband out and has asked for a divorce. Why? Well because he's on his third strike with affairs in the last year. Yep...3. Not 1, not 2 but 3 whole affairs. She found proof of it and finally kicked him to the curb.

But in all of this, it really got me thinking. As many know, I'm divorced. I wasn't lucky enough to have come across any evidence of him cheating and I just was not paranoid enough or really evil enough to hack into email accounts or stalk him by GPSing his phone every 5 minutes. My friend did all of that and more. Now the ex and I would go 6 months or more without any sex. Hell, the last years we were together we went more than 2 years without sex. Sure, I probably should have been the one snooping but I am just not like that. But the lack of sex was not for lack of trying. my lingerie collection at one point could have rivaled Fredrick's of Hollywood and I had more costumes than Party City at halloween. I tried every trick in the book and it always met with "Why are you at the dinner table naked?" "It's not halloween, why are you dressed like that?" "I'm sorry, I am just not in the mood." "Seriously, is sex the only thing on your mind?" Basically...you name the excuse and I can promise I probably have heard it.

Outside of that, I try to make myself presentable...whether with someone or in a relationship and being married for 10 years definitely did not make a difference. I go to the effort of dressing decently, fixing my hair every morning (even if I plan on just working in the yard for the day), wearing makeup when I go out. You know...making myself presentable. Sure, I have days where I get up and I may wear sweatpants or cut off jean shorts. Everyone has dress down days but even on those days I still have some semblence of pride in my appearance. I do that not only for my own sake but I am part of a relationship...I am a representative of every thing we have together. And let's face it...I do it for him just as much as myself. I want to be attractive for M...and that same applied to my ex when we were married.

My way of thinking was that how can he continue to want me if I don't keep myself attractive in some way. I am not by any means small, I am over weight. So...just walking around naked really won't cut it in my head (although M says differently lmao). What if I never took the time to fix my hair or I wore crappy, worn out clothes all the time, even when we went out in public? What if I never bought an attractive piece of lingerie and only ever wore granny panties and horrible old lady bras with no underwire? What if I never wore make up, even when we went out? what if I rejected every advance M made? I ultimately believe M would move on to greener pastures. He certainly is not going to want a slob, much less a slob that rejects him at every turn. I would ultimately expect him to leave. You have to keep the attraction there and put in effort to keep the embers of your sexual life going in order for it to work.

Now, I am not in any way endorsing cheating. It's ultimately wrong and kills a key element to making the relationship work...trust. I've seen many relationships survive an affair though. But it definitely took both busting their ass' to make it work. But! Unless the cheating partner has an addiction to sex, no brains or no conscience (because I do know a couple of people like that)...if you look closely, you can find even something relatively small in which you, the hurt partner, have done something to facilitate it.

It takes 2 to make a relationship work but guess what? It also takes 2 to bring it down too. My friend is one of those who LOVE to play the victim. But...she did not find my "shoulder" very comfortable. She did not get the pity she sought. Yea, he's an ass for what he's done. If you're unhappy, then just leave to spare your partner the ultimate hurt. But my friend is just as much at fault. If I had been in his shoes, I would have left years ago. She really is a selfish person who has no respect for anyone, including herself. The way she's talked to him over the years would embarass even me. She doesn't bother to dress up. I don't know if she even knows what a real brush is, her clothes are so sloppy looking. In all honesty, most of the time she looks like the kind of woman you expect to be living in the ghetto with 20 kids (which she already has 3 with one on the way...and yes it was conceived even though she knew he was cheating) and standing in the welfare line...the kind that believes the government owes them everything and they shouldn't have to work for it. Then to top all of this unattractive behavior, she honestly believes that one only has sex in order to try and conceive. WHAT KIND OF BACK WOODS THINKING IS THAT???

But then she is sitting there saying "I don't know why he cheated?" Like I said, I don't condone it...but in certain cases I can sympathize with how it happens. If you aren't feeding your dog, he's going to jump the fence for a better owner. *Shrugs* You were there and helped make the commitment in the relationship...So it is just as much your duty to keep the other from straying as they are.

When the words don't come...

As submissives, we strive to make our dominants proud. And when issues arise and we are feeling our most helpless, we somestimes search the very depths of our souls to find a solution. And sometimes, we find something we think is top notch. We toss it over in our heads as we're on the way to tell our Dominant. Or, perhaps we find a weakness in ourselves. We find a flaw and we realize it is something that needs to be addressed. So, instead of doing what would be most natural for any of us that are human...we take it to our Dom. We let them know what we discover...even at the risk of punishment or god forbid, ridicule. It's part of the dynamic right? To be open and honest, even in the face of fear.

But what happens when you lay whatever it is out on the line? What happens when you are feeling so very vulnerable and nothing? In the first case scenerio, we're proud of ourselves. We realize our idea may not get used and we prepare ourselves for that. In the second scenario, we've prostrated ourselves to be completely open. Sure, it could be a trait that requires punishment for down the road but right there and then?

Maybe I am wrong in my thinking. I've been wrong before. Maybe it's my naivity. But even outside of the D/s dynamic, words of encouragement, praise or acknowledgement are so very important. TTWD is about growth. How can we grow if we aren't told what we do is right? How can we grow without support from the one person who matters most? In all situations, it takes two to make things work right? So...how exactly do we make it work if we're working on it but no words come.

From personal experience, it hurts when no words come or even worse...you get a reply of indifference. God forbid the issue be insecurity of self or whatever that you discover. When nothing comes, that tends to just dig you deeper in your hole...because it took a lot to admit a fault in the first place, especially to admit you are having self acceptance issues.

Ex's, M and I oh my

It's been a little while and I've finally decided it's time to pick up my "pen and paper" so to speak again.

The last trip for M and I was wonderful. We spent a couple of days in Disney, running around being kids...without the kids lol. Since then we've had a few hiccups, some of them rather large ones. And at times things have felt like they are getting worse than better. We are still dealing with distance issues with him in another state. I am still dealing with custody issues from my previous marriage.

Don't get me wrong, my ex is an awesome dad. My daguther in extremely lucky to have both parents so active in her life. She definitely does not want for love and affection. But in some ways him being so active has put a wedge between M and I. The ex has put some opposition in our way, such as not being able to take her out of state, putting limitations in regards to M being around her. I know M is right, the ex is jealous in some ways. He's so afraid of M trying to take his place that he fails to realize NO ONE can take that place for Ding (my daughter).

So...I've been trying for a while now to sit down and talk it out with him...like two adults. But he's been avoiding me on that. It's not something we can rightly do in front of her. I try to shield her from the issues between him and I. But like it or not, it has to happen. I know you can't force someone to act their age...and believe me, if I thought for a second a hit to the head would change it...well...let's just say I have a frying pan with his name on it haha!

It will all get sorted out, I have to believe that. M's patience on it are wearing thin and subsequently, all I do is worry. It's all really taken a big toll on our relationship, me as a person...my self esteem has really just kind of dwindled to practically nothing. I don't accept failure well and it scares the living shit out of me. But...I have to keep telling myself that things will work out. That M and I will get back to where we need to be and our roles in TTWD will return to normal.

Not really sure exactly HOW to accomplish that, but I have to believe it. If for nothing else but my own sanity. I've always been a worrier..I guess it's time I start with trying to change that.

Running in place

Thank god the week is over and a new one is beginning. This past week was the week from hell. Ever feel like you're running a thousand miles but yet you are getting no where, the scenery isn't changing? This past week, I honestly came to the conclusion I was on a tread mill. I ran A LOT but yet I was still stuck in the same place. It was frustrating to say the least.

But, this next week should be better. There's a trip coming up on Thursday. 6 whole days of just M and I...no kids, no worries...no clothes most of the time hehe. We both need the break to be honest. We need the time to ourselves to reconnect in many ways and time to recharge the dead batteries we're running on. Ultimately...it will be a great time to work on us.

Kind of like this past week, some of our issues have been like running in place. And that feeling of getting no where or anything changing is driving a divider between us. Perhaps he feels different, but it's what I see and feel. We spend more time apart, especially on the weekends. One would think that we'd talk more, that we'd spend more time together. But...it never works out that way. He's got work to tend to and I have a house and a kid to tend to.

It will all get dealt with eventually. My only concern is that what started out as an ant hill is going to fester into a full blown mountain by the time it does. For now, there really is no resemblance of D/s in our relationship. He doesn't have time to devote to it and my submission...well, in turn I really just question it. I miss that side of us. Just not really sure how to get it all back. I've had a few suggestions, but even they have fallen by the way side. So...I dunno. We'll see I guess. For now...I'll get back on my tread mill. I'm determined like that.

On being needed

Sometimes we all need to feel needed. It doesn't matter whether it's a plain Jane, vanilla relationship or an array of the 31 flavors. Sometimes even more so on the latter. For both a Dom and sub, in all truth, they equally need each other. You can't lead without a follower and you can't follow without a leader. Pretty simple concept.

But that isn't what I am referring to. I am not talking so much on co-dependency. I am talking about that basic human drive we all feel at some point of feeling needed by the person you're with. I can not begin to suppose or assume, even though I have the basic knowledge, on the Dominant's aspect in this. It's a given that they need to feel needed by the Submissive. Hell, in so many instances, they know we need them before we realize it. But for a submissive, we always know and feel that need for our dominant. But what happens when that need is not reciprocated? What happens when we feel that we aren't needed by our Dominant?

For me, it leaves me feeling rather...well...useless. Sure, we always know they need something at some point. A glass of water, clean clothes, a hot meal on the kitchen table, a body to use...you get the drift. But real need, that need for companion ship, that need to know you're there even if you're not physically at their side. Perhaps I am spoiled or jaded or whatever, but I would think that they still need that right? If so, shouldn't it be shown? I don't see it as a sign of weakness to admit that you occasionally need the same thing we all do. I don't personally see it as being soft to out of the blue send a text or call just because you needed your significant other/submissive.

Perhaps I am a sentimentalist at heart, perhaps that is my vanilla side speaking. I don't know...tell me if I am wrong. But for me personally, I don't really want to be in a relationship...D/s or otherwise where I wasn't needed in a capacity other than to be a servant. If that's the terms you worked out, great...it works for you. That's the beauty of TTWD, there is no "RIGHT" way to do things. But, for me...I just don't function on that level. I can't serve and give myself completely to someone without suffering the effects of emotional connections as well. I tried, really hard...and in the end I fell deeper for the person than had I not tried to fight it every step of the way.

I spent 10 years in a marriage to a man who never needed me...in any capacity. It was a hollow relationship that only lasted as long as it does because of a child. In the end, I found myself lying to me. I would never be happy not being needed. My very first Dominant eventually drifted that way as well. I was serving in every way possibly, but he didn't need me either. It ended...simple as that. In my head, if you don't need the person you're with...then you don't really have any real connection. And...nine times out of ten...the other side will end up hurt because they do need you.

The start of a New Year

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. That's very bad of me and I need to make a conscious effort to write more. The last couple of months have been rough, to say the least. M and I have seen a lot of ups and downs. To be brutally honest, it's been a hectic roller coaster for us both and our relationship has taken it's fair share of the beating. Life just became too hectic and we allowed ourselves to lose sight of the bigger picture...the foundation our relationship was built upon and who we were as people.

I won't bore you with the sordid details, just take my word when I say we were in all honestly a complete disaster. Luckily, things came to a head like an ugly pimple and gave way to a much needed release. The biggest issue I guess has been now we know the issues, what is the best way to fix them so that they never happen again. It's been a long,arduous process and is still ongoing. But, if we truly want this...I know we are more than capable of achieving it.

2011 hopefully will be a better year. We have big plans and dreams we would like to see come to fruition. If we stay the course and not wander off track...2011 will be a year to remember, for the good.