No one ever said submission is in any way easy. We all go in with the understanding that it will probably be an every day struggle to maintain. In submission, we do things that aren't always natural. We also understand that there will be a certain level of pain, both physical and occasionally emotional. But what about when you come to the realization that the pain you're experiencing is neither healthy nor good for either of you? What if, as a sub, you realize that your submission is hurting not only you but your partner as well? As my daughter would say...It sucks.
It all begins slowly. You begin to notice that perhaps your dom is a little distant. You ask, but the only reason given is "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just busy right now." Then you begin to notice little neglects here and there. Perhaps emails or tasks go unnoticed. You reason out that they are just busy so you push it aside. But then tasks stop coming, you try discussing things you saw in a blog or read in a book and they seem to only half listen. Then you begin noticing rituals stop. When you're together, there are no scenes, you have to actually ask for play time. You bring up the topic with your Dom and again you get "I'm sorry, life is just really busy right now." You try your best to be understanding and go on about your business. Then you get a bite here and there and you start to think "Oh! Things are going to get back to normal." But that hit comes once and it's a long while before it happens again.
Time rolls on and more things fall by the way side, rituals are all but gone, the presence of D/s fades from every aspect of your relationship. You become scared so you bring it up again. You know that your Dom's life has been a little hectic but then when is life NOT hectic. You disclose your fears, your budding insecurities, the fact you are second guessing yourself and your submission. They tell you again "I'm sorry. This is not your fault, it's mine. Life has just been too hectic." It's been months. You begin to feel regret. Maybe you even begin acting out from time to time to test the waters. But, instead of even getting in trouble, you get no reaction. You regret your actions because you know that acting out for attention is wrong. You admit it to your Dom. "This isn't your fault. It's mine. Life has just been hectic." You know that you need to be punished, you need something...anything to make the fact that your guilt is eatting away at your insides. You ask for punishment and it doesn't come.
So, you resolve yourself. In the back of your head, you know the roller coaster has to stop. But, you're determined...you're going to make this work. You double your efforts. You hold your tongue and sit quietly at their side. You promise them you will be obedient and patient. On the outside, you appear like the dutiful sub but on the inside little pieces of you are dying. You begin to hate yourself. You begin hating even the word "submissive" and in ways you become spiteful. The little girl in you that wants so much just to have your Dom make things right is forced to sit and watch as the rejected side begins to wage war on your emotions. You don't sleep because all you do is worry. Eating becomes a chore because your insides are fighting each other for some sort of space. You and your Dom come to a space where all you do is fight. They apologize profusely and all you do is pull away. Those famous words are uttered over and over again. "I'm sorry, life is just really hectic for me right now."
Then, one day you wake up. You come to your senses and realize "Wait...I work, I take care of home, kids, meals, serving, family issues, the ex, doctors appointments." Life isn't easy for you in any sense of the word. You're on the go constantly, always busting your ass to keep up with everything that requires your attention. You never complain and you achieve the seemingly impossible task of handling life and still managing to put your submission to them first without asking for help. You've got a million things that need to be taken care of yet when they call, you're there doing anything they need to make their life easy and still accomplishing the other issues. You instantly feel resentment because all you've asked for is to play a game in the evening when everything is said and done. Or to discuss a blog or book you read. All you asked for is a small acknowledgement that they recieved something you sent that was important to you, to the relationship. Or All you asked for was just a little attention or a little pushing after a bad day just to escape for a few minutes. Or perhaps you requested a new task to keep your mind busy so as not to disturb their "BUSY SCHEDULE." Most of those things take all of a second to do.
You come to a point where your heart weighs more than your body and your submission has become just too painful to bear. You realize that you can not fulfill the role of submissive because they can not or do not want be a dominant. You realize that withdrawing your submission could possibly be the destroying factor in your relationship. But, how can someone continue to follow if there is no one leading? The simple answer is you can't. The horror of the situation is somewhere along the way, you took over leading whether it was just leading yourself or leading your Dominant. It's then that you have to face the reality that the dynamics of the D/s relationship has changed in ways that can't be fixed. That is when submission is painful in a way that just isn't acceptable and the only choice you are ultimately left with is withdrawing it...
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
And we're waiting...And we're waiting...And we're waiting...And we're...
Patience has never been a very strong virtue of mine. Growing up, I was worse with virtually no patiences what so ever. Then I grew up and became a mom. That taught me a huge lesson and for the most part I have improved ten fold in that area. Key words there? FOR THE MOST PART. Now mind you, we all...even the most patient of all of us...have pet peevs and our patience tends to run short. But that really isn't what I am referring to.
Finding Sara's post today really hit the nail on the head and inspired my thoughts for the day. From day one since I admitted to my submissive side and began this journey on the road to TTWD (This This We Do), it has always been a constant battle. It's natural to want things when we want them. And as natural as it is for me to submit to someone else...not everything that comes with submission is. The worst of all for me is patience and the lack there of that sometimes makes me forget that it IS NOT on my time or when I want them.
Being in a long distance relationship is a test of that patience, all too often. While M and I are making progress and moving towards the end goal of marriage and being in the same location, it is still something we deal with. The list of wants is long and varied, ranging from just being able to greet him at the door in the evenings to having him use me daily to something as simple as spending time in the evenings online together. I know that those days are coming, I know that without a shadow of doubt. But sometimes the strength of the desire for those wants tend to make me lose sight of the big picture. My impatience to have what I want, when I want it gets in the way only to cause more issues.
Here lately with the issues outside of the normal everyday couple issues have really put a hinderance on a lot of things and have amplified the lack of patience. He is busy as of late and I find myself getting miffed because he hasn't responded to a text message or question. I have gotten upset because he hasn't been able to use me as often as I'd like. His mind is often occupied with work stuff and handling our day to day things so I get ass hurt because all I'd like to hear occassionally is that he wants me.
In any case, we are both stuck in that holding pattern of waiting...and waiting...and waiting. His patience is golden as usual. Makes me envious and to the point I could say some choice words lol. But mine...not always so much. I just have to keep reminding myself it isn't really about what I want. It's about what he wants and being patient enough to sit quietly while waiting for the little moments and things that make me happiest. Because ultimately...serving him, being his, pleasing him is what makes me happiest.
Finding Sara's post today really hit the nail on the head and inspired my thoughts for the day. From day one since I admitted to my submissive side and began this journey on the road to TTWD (This This We Do), it has always been a constant battle. It's natural to want things when we want them. And as natural as it is for me to submit to someone else...not everything that comes with submission is. The worst of all for me is patience and the lack there of that sometimes makes me forget that it IS NOT on my time or when I want them.
Being in a long distance relationship is a test of that patience, all too often. While M and I are making progress and moving towards the end goal of marriage and being in the same location, it is still something we deal with. The list of wants is long and varied, ranging from just being able to greet him at the door in the evenings to having him use me daily to something as simple as spending time in the evenings online together. I know that those days are coming, I know that without a shadow of doubt. But sometimes the strength of the desire for those wants tend to make me lose sight of the big picture. My impatience to have what I want, when I want it gets in the way only to cause more issues.
Here lately with the issues outside of the normal everyday couple issues have really put a hinderance on a lot of things and have amplified the lack of patience. He is busy as of late and I find myself getting miffed because he hasn't responded to a text message or question. I have gotten upset because he hasn't been able to use me as often as I'd like. His mind is often occupied with work stuff and handling our day to day things so I get ass hurt because all I'd like to hear occassionally is that he wants me.
In any case, we are both stuck in that holding pattern of waiting...and waiting...and waiting. His patience is golden as usual. Makes me envious and to the point I could say some choice words lol. But mine...not always so much. I just have to keep reminding myself it isn't really about what I want. It's about what he wants and being patient enough to sit quietly while waiting for the little moments and things that make me happiest. Because ultimately...serving him, being his, pleasing him is what makes me happiest.
Monday, April 18, 2011
It takes 2
I learned over the weekend that a "friend" (and I put it that way because she's the kind that calls when she has drama but you don't hear from her otherwise...fair weathered friend I think my mother called it) has kicked her husband out and has asked for a divorce. Why? Well because he's on his third strike with affairs in the last year. Yep...3. Not 1, not 2 but 3 whole affairs. She found proof of it and finally kicked him to the curb.
But in all of this, it really got me thinking. As many know, I'm divorced. I wasn't lucky enough to have come across any evidence of him cheating and I just was not paranoid enough or really evil enough to hack into email accounts or stalk him by GPSing his phone every 5 minutes. My friend did all of that and more. Now the ex and I would go 6 months or more without any sex. Hell, the last years we were together we went more than 2 years without sex. Sure, I probably should have been the one snooping but I am just not like that. But the lack of sex was not for lack of trying. my lingerie collection at one point could have rivaled Fredrick's of Hollywood and I had more costumes than Party City at halloween. I tried every trick in the book and it always met with "Why are you at the dinner table naked?" "It's not halloween, why are you dressed like that?" "I'm sorry, I am just not in the mood." "Seriously, is sex the only thing on your mind?" Basically...you name the excuse and I can promise I probably have heard it.
Outside of that, I try to make myself presentable...whether with someone or in a relationship and being married for 10 years definitely did not make a difference. I go to the effort of dressing decently, fixing my hair every morning (even if I plan on just working in the yard for the day), wearing makeup when I go out. You know...making myself presentable. Sure, I have days where I get up and I may wear sweatpants or cut off jean shorts. Everyone has dress down days but even on those days I still have some semblence of pride in my appearance. I do that not only for my own sake but I am part of a relationship...I am a representative of every thing we have together. And let's face it...I do it for him just as much as myself. I want to be attractive for M...and that same applied to my ex when we were married.
My way of thinking was that how can he continue to want me if I don't keep myself attractive in some way. I am not by any means small, I am over weight. So...just walking around naked really won't cut it in my head (although M says differently lmao). What if I never took the time to fix my hair or I wore crappy, worn out clothes all the time, even when we went out in public? What if I never bought an attractive piece of lingerie and only ever wore granny panties and horrible old lady bras with no underwire? What if I never wore make up, even when we went out? what if I rejected every advance M made? I ultimately believe M would move on to greener pastures. He certainly is not going to want a slob, much less a slob that rejects him at every turn. I would ultimately expect him to leave. You have to keep the attraction there and put in effort to keep the embers of your sexual life going in order for it to work.
Now, I am not in any way endorsing cheating. It's ultimately wrong and kills a key element to making the relationship work...trust. I've seen many relationships survive an affair though. But it definitely took both busting their ass' to make it work. But! Unless the cheating partner has an addiction to sex, no brains or no conscience (because I do know a couple of people like that)...if you look closely, you can find even something relatively small in which you, the hurt partner, have done something to facilitate it.
It takes 2 to make a relationship work but guess what? It also takes 2 to bring it down too. My friend is one of those who LOVE to play the victim. But...she did not find my "shoulder" very comfortable. She did not get the pity she sought. Yea, he's an ass for what he's done. If you're unhappy, then just leave to spare your partner the ultimate hurt. But my friend is just as much at fault. If I had been in his shoes, I would have left years ago. She really is a selfish person who has no respect for anyone, including herself. The way she's talked to him over the years would embarass even me. She doesn't bother to dress up. I don't know if she even knows what a real brush is, her clothes are so sloppy looking. In all honesty, most of the time she looks like the kind of woman you expect to be living in the ghetto with 20 kids (which she already has 3 with one on the way...and yes it was conceived even though she knew he was cheating) and standing in the welfare line...the kind that believes the government owes them everything and they shouldn't have to work for it. Then to top all of this unattractive behavior, she honestly believes that one only has sex in order to try and conceive. WHAT KIND OF BACK WOODS THINKING IS THAT???
But then she is sitting there saying "I don't know why he cheated?" Like I said, I don't condone it...but in certain cases I can sympathize with how it happens. If you aren't feeding your dog, he's going to jump the fence for a better owner. *Shrugs* You were there and helped make the commitment in the relationship...So it is just as much your duty to keep the other from straying as they are.
But in all of this, it really got me thinking. As many know, I'm divorced. I wasn't lucky enough to have come across any evidence of him cheating and I just was not paranoid enough or really evil enough to hack into email accounts or stalk him by GPSing his phone every 5 minutes. My friend did all of that and more. Now the ex and I would go 6 months or more without any sex. Hell, the last years we were together we went more than 2 years without sex. Sure, I probably should have been the one snooping but I am just not like that. But the lack of sex was not for lack of trying. my lingerie collection at one point could have rivaled Fredrick's of Hollywood and I had more costumes than Party City at halloween. I tried every trick in the book and it always met with "Why are you at the dinner table naked?" "It's not halloween, why are you dressed like that?" "I'm sorry, I am just not in the mood." "Seriously, is sex the only thing on your mind?" Basically...you name the excuse and I can promise I probably have heard it.
Outside of that, I try to make myself presentable...whether with someone or in a relationship and being married for 10 years definitely did not make a difference. I go to the effort of dressing decently, fixing my hair every morning (even if I plan on just working in the yard for the day), wearing makeup when I go out. You know...making myself presentable. Sure, I have days where I get up and I may wear sweatpants or cut off jean shorts. Everyone has dress down days but even on those days I still have some semblence of pride in my appearance. I do that not only for my own sake but I am part of a relationship...I am a representative of every thing we have together. And let's face it...I do it for him just as much as myself. I want to be attractive for M...and that same applied to my ex when we were married.
My way of thinking was that how can he continue to want me if I don't keep myself attractive in some way. I am not by any means small, I am over weight. So...just walking around naked really won't cut it in my head (although M says differently lmao). What if I never took the time to fix my hair or I wore crappy, worn out clothes all the time, even when we went out in public? What if I never bought an attractive piece of lingerie and only ever wore granny panties and horrible old lady bras with no underwire? What if I never wore make up, even when we went out? what if I rejected every advance M made? I ultimately believe M would move on to greener pastures. He certainly is not going to want a slob, much less a slob that rejects him at every turn. I would ultimately expect him to leave. You have to keep the attraction there and put in effort to keep the embers of your sexual life going in order for it to work.
Now, I am not in any way endorsing cheating. It's ultimately wrong and kills a key element to making the relationship work...trust. I've seen many relationships survive an affair though. But it definitely took both busting their ass' to make it work. But! Unless the cheating partner has an addiction to sex, no brains or no conscience (because I do know a couple of people like that)...if you look closely, you can find even something relatively small in which you, the hurt partner, have done something to facilitate it.
It takes 2 to make a relationship work but guess what? It also takes 2 to bring it down too. My friend is one of those who LOVE to play the victim. But...she did not find my "shoulder" very comfortable. She did not get the pity she sought. Yea, he's an ass for what he's done. If you're unhappy, then just leave to spare your partner the ultimate hurt. But my friend is just as much at fault. If I had been in his shoes, I would have left years ago. She really is a selfish person who has no respect for anyone, including herself. The way she's talked to him over the years would embarass even me. She doesn't bother to dress up. I don't know if she even knows what a real brush is, her clothes are so sloppy looking. In all honesty, most of the time she looks like the kind of woman you expect to be living in the ghetto with 20 kids (which she already has 3 with one on the way...and yes it was conceived even though she knew he was cheating) and standing in the welfare line...the kind that believes the government owes them everything and they shouldn't have to work for it. Then to top all of this unattractive behavior, she honestly believes that one only has sex in order to try and conceive. WHAT KIND OF BACK WOODS THINKING IS THAT???
But then she is sitting there saying "I don't know why he cheated?" Like I said, I don't condone it...but in certain cases I can sympathize with how it happens. If you aren't feeding your dog, he's going to jump the fence for a better owner. *Shrugs* You were there and helped make the commitment in the relationship...So it is just as much your duty to keep the other from straying as they are.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
When the words don't come...
As submissives, we strive to make our dominants proud. And when issues arise and we are feeling our most helpless, we somestimes search the very depths of our souls to find a solution. And sometimes, we find something we think is top notch. We toss it over in our heads as we're on the way to tell our Dominant. Or, perhaps we find a weakness in ourselves. We find a flaw and we realize it is something that needs to be addressed. So, instead of doing what would be most natural for any of us that are human...we take it to our Dom. We let them know what we discover...even at the risk of punishment or god forbid, ridicule. It's part of the dynamic right? To be open and honest, even in the face of fear.
But what happens when you lay whatever it is out on the line? What happens when you are feeling so very vulnerable and nothing? In the first case scenerio, we're proud of ourselves. We realize our idea may not get used and we prepare ourselves for that. In the second scenario, we've prostrated ourselves to be completely open. Sure, it could be a trait that requires punishment for down the road but right there and then?
Maybe I am wrong in my thinking. I've been wrong before. Maybe it's my naivity. But even outside of the D/s dynamic, words of encouragement, praise or acknowledgement are so very important. TTWD is about growth. How can we grow if we aren't told what we do is right? How can we grow without support from the one person who matters most? In all situations, it takes two to make things work right? So...how exactly do we make it work if we're working on it but no words come.
From personal experience, it hurts when no words come or even worse...you get a reply of indifference. God forbid the issue be insecurity of self or whatever that you discover. When nothing comes, that tends to just dig you deeper in your hole...because it took a lot to admit a fault in the first place, especially to admit you are having self acceptance issues.
But what happens when you lay whatever it is out on the line? What happens when you are feeling so very vulnerable and nothing? In the first case scenerio, we're proud of ourselves. We realize our idea may not get used and we prepare ourselves for that. In the second scenario, we've prostrated ourselves to be completely open. Sure, it could be a trait that requires punishment for down the road but right there and then?
Maybe I am wrong in my thinking. I've been wrong before. Maybe it's my naivity. But even outside of the D/s dynamic, words of encouragement, praise or acknowledgement are so very important. TTWD is about growth. How can we grow if we aren't told what we do is right? How can we grow without support from the one person who matters most? In all situations, it takes two to make things work right? So...how exactly do we make it work if we're working on it but no words come.
From personal experience, it hurts when no words come or even worse...you get a reply of indifference. God forbid the issue be insecurity of self or whatever that you discover. When nothing comes, that tends to just dig you deeper in your hole...because it took a lot to admit a fault in the first place, especially to admit you are having self acceptance issues.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Ex's, M and I oh my
It's been a little while and I've finally decided it's time to pick up my "pen and paper" so to speak again.
The last trip for M and I was wonderful. We spent a couple of days in Disney, running around being kids...without the kids lol. Since then we've had a few hiccups, some of them rather large ones. And at times things have felt like they are getting worse than better. We are still dealing with distance issues with him in another state. I am still dealing with custody issues from my previous marriage.
Don't get me wrong, my ex is an awesome dad. My daguther in extremely lucky to have both parents so active in her life. She definitely does not want for love and affection. But in some ways him being so active has put a wedge between M and I. The ex has put some opposition in our way, such as not being able to take her out of state, putting limitations in regards to M being around her. I know M is right, the ex is jealous in some ways. He's so afraid of M trying to take his place that he fails to realize NO ONE can take that place for Ding (my daughter).
So...I've been trying for a while now to sit down and talk it out with him...like two adults. But he's been avoiding me on that. It's not something we can rightly do in front of her. I try to shield her from the issues between him and I. But like it or not, it has to happen. I know you can't force someone to act their age...and believe me, if I thought for a second a hit to the head would change it...well...let's just say I have a frying pan with his name on it haha!
It will all get sorted out, I have to believe that. M's patience on it are wearing thin and subsequently, all I do is worry. It's all really taken a big toll on our relationship, me as a person...my self esteem has really just kind of dwindled to practically nothing. I don't accept failure well and it scares the living shit out of me. But...I have to keep telling myself that things will work out. That M and I will get back to where we need to be and our roles in TTWD will return to normal.
Not really sure exactly HOW to accomplish that, but I have to believe it. If for nothing else but my own sanity. I've always been a worrier..I guess it's time I start with trying to change that.
The last trip for M and I was wonderful. We spent a couple of days in Disney, running around being kids...without the kids lol. Since then we've had a few hiccups, some of them rather large ones. And at times things have felt like they are getting worse than better. We are still dealing with distance issues with him in another state. I am still dealing with custody issues from my previous marriage.
Don't get me wrong, my ex is an awesome dad. My daguther in extremely lucky to have both parents so active in her life. She definitely does not want for love and affection. But in some ways him being so active has put a wedge between M and I. The ex has put some opposition in our way, such as not being able to take her out of state, putting limitations in regards to M being around her. I know M is right, the ex is jealous in some ways. He's so afraid of M trying to take his place that he fails to realize NO ONE can take that place for Ding (my daughter).
So...I've been trying for a while now to sit down and talk it out with him...like two adults. But he's been avoiding me on that. It's not something we can rightly do in front of her. I try to shield her from the issues between him and I. But like it or not, it has to happen. I know you can't force someone to act their age...and believe me, if I thought for a second a hit to the head would change it...well...let's just say I have a frying pan with his name on it haha!
It will all get sorted out, I have to believe that. M's patience on it are wearing thin and subsequently, all I do is worry. It's all really taken a big toll on our relationship, me as a person...my self esteem has really just kind of dwindled to practically nothing. I don't accept failure well and it scares the living shit out of me. But...I have to keep telling myself that things will work out. That M and I will get back to where we need to be and our roles in TTWD will return to normal.
Not really sure exactly HOW to accomplish that, but I have to believe it. If for nothing else but my own sanity. I've always been a worrier..I guess it's time I start with trying to change that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)