Now, I know the topic alone is bound to raise eyebrows. Religion is a touchy subject on its own but even more so in our lifestyle. But, again this is just my opinion and my thoughts written here. You don't have to agree and it's always open for civilized discussion.
First off I will gladly state that I am a practicing Catholic and I raise my daughter with faith in that religion. It is my firm belief that if I raise her with religion (no matter what denomination) that I am giving her the freedom to make an informed decision for herself one day as to what she does. I feel I am doing my duty as a parent. If she chooses to break from the church as an adult, sure it would be a bit of a shock but it would be her choice and I'd still love her regardless. I am also NOT saying my religion is better than any other. It is what I was raised with and I have friends of all walks. Hell M is Lutheran and neither of us look at the other in judgement on that. But that really is not where I am trying to go.
What I am going to discuss here could probably be seen as heresy to some. Oh well, it is my soul that will have to stand up on reckoning day. Yesterday as we all know was Palm Sunday. It is the day Jesus went before Pontius Pilate and was sentenced to death by crucifixion. The night before, Jesus spent time in the garden of Gethsemane praying. He asked God the father that if this could be spared, to do so but he was putting himself at his will...God's will be done. (Sound familiar fellow submissives?) During the homily, or sermon for my non-catholic friends, the Priest went on to discuss suffering. He discussed how we all have suffering to endure just as Jesus did and how as Jesus did not complain, we needed to find it within us to suffer without complaint. Rather than complain, be glad that our suffering is not as Jesus' but it is our way of repaying what he did for us...eternal Salvation.
Now, with that laid out, it got me to thinking. On what? Well, when thought about TTWD, it is not so different. It is actually all over the bible.Ephesians 5:22-33
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Colossians 3:18-19 "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them."
Those are just two passages off the top of my head. So, I do not question on whether TTWD is right or wrong in the eyes of religion. Those were both statements in letters sent by St. Paul, one of the apostles of Christ himself left by him to teach and lead the people on earth in our relationship with God. But I recently made a statement to M saying that he was much like religion to me. At the time, it felt right but I do not think I truly understood it until yesterday.
As a submissive, we willingly give ourselves up to the will of another. Just as we do with our relationship to whatever higher power we recognize. We put our whole selves in the hands of another to be shaped, molded and reformed into something better, something more beautiful than it was before. With this, we do take on sufferings. (Doms, hold your boxers for a moment if you will please.) We willingly give up our independence, our right to choose, our complete control over to our Dominants. We cook every meal and clean every inch of the home for the most part (I say most because most realize that we are but one person and there will be a time when we do need a hand), take care of children…basically we willingly take on doing everything one can imagine at times, and then some of us have jobs on top of that. There are days we wake up and we have to literally force ourselves to do what is expected of us but we do it and we do so without complaint. We swallow the pride that growing up we were taught to instill in ourselves and kneel willingly in front of or at the feet of someone else. We willingly put ourselves below someone else.Why? Because it’s the path we have chosen, because we serve knowing our Dominant loves and cherishes us, has our best interests at heart and guides us to becoming better people.
Isn’t that the same way our relationship works with whatever higher power we worship whether it be God, Allah, Krishna, Buddha, etc? For me…it is incredibly similar. Of course, for many this is where the issue comes in with confliction. Many I’ve talked to say they struggle because in some ways they view it as a possible distraction from their religious beliefs. That it would be similar to idol worship or what have you. I guess I can see that but personally I don’t view it that way. M and I both know that God in our house comes first. We understand that by living the way we do, we can achieve a better understanding and relationship to God. Think about it. If you are living that way with each other, then it is not so hard to have the same relationship with the higher power. We are living as, I believe, God would have us.
Perhaps I am way off base. Perhaps I am an uneducated nutcase. My college education contradicts that but ya know…to each their own opinion. As for me? I have a beautiful D/s relationship that not only strengthens M and I as a couple and individuals…but also strengthens me in my religion. For me, I could not have one without the other…
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Waking Thoughts
Yea...this is going to get personal and yes it will be sexual. If that offends...then I suggest you move on. Since last weekend my dreams, my thoughts, my memories have been so incredibly vivid. Overly so really and it makes it hard to concentrate on much else. These images have given way to a new thought, a darker side to things...all because it is almost like it feels it will be the only way he can be closer right now. Perhaps it is the sudden absence of him, perhaps it is something I need to exercise the demons and constant desire to have him here knowing he can't be right now. I am not overly sure...but this dream in particular has stuck with me...and I need to get it out so that perhaps I can move on to coping with the temporary separation.
I found myself walking, stumbling down a dark alley. I could hear him chuckling (did I ever mention how sinister his laugh can be? *grins*)and telling me to catch up. I could hear the low rumbling of music and familiar scent of the city filled my nostrils. I heard a woman's laugh from behind me and turned to see a couple stumbling past the alley's opening where I had just come from. I moved to turn back around, to carry on my way. My mouth opened to call out to him but was cut off by the hand that came up around my throat. First instinct was to scream but he always seems to know my moves before I do. His voice was as low as a whisper in my ear and his tall frame pressed against my back. He told me I was to remain quiet, not one peep was to leave my lips. He pulled me back further into the alley away from the light. Now, I am not one afraid of the dark but I felt my heart begin to pound in my chest and could hear the blood in my ears. I know he felt my pulse quicken because his fingers tightened around my neck. I reached back to grab a hold of his jeans and his voice sounded in my ears. No touching was allowed either. I let out a strangled whimper and he laughed...right before my front met the cold surface of a concrete wall. His other hand came up to slide his fingers into my hair, gripping it firmly and pressing my cheek into the rough surface. (Can anyone say "He had me at hello"?)
The hand at my throat released it's hold and a waive of dizziness swept over me at the sudden return of complete oxygen. My knees gave a little and his grip on my hair tightened. I was told to be a good little cunt and stand tall. I did as told, awkwardly so as a foot kicked between mine signalling for me to spread them. His free hand pulled up on the material of my dress and the cool night air gave rise to goosebumps. His fingers gripped roughly at my skin, at my ass, his fingertips digging in (just so you know...yea, I love when he does that hehe). His hand seemed to be everywhere...pulling the thongs he allowed me to wear up till they were almost painfully rubbing against my clit, slipping into my bra to pinch and roughly manhandle my breasts, painfully pinching and pulling at the soft skin on my thighs.
Suddenly the hand was gone and I struggled to catch my breath. I waited for him to release me or turn me to face him. It did not come. He pressed my face harder against the wall as the distinct sound of a zipper sounded. I tried to turn and it earned me a stinging slap against my exposed ass. I was to be a good little cunt so that he could remind me of my place. I felt confused, not sure if this is exactly where I wanted to go...not yet. Tears began to flow and my quiet sob was answered by a low moan...one so low that if you weren't paying attention you might miss it. It is a sound I am now so incredibly attuned to. I felt his cock brush against my ass cheek and I flinched. Part of me wanted to cower but he controlled me. Instead I found myself remaining still as he bid. Tip toes he bid and pulled up on my hair. My heels only gave so much height. When I did not move as fast as he would have liked, he pulled painfully on my hair and I found myself complying.
He tells me to pull my thongs to the side and my shaking hands move to do as told. The cool night air hits my damp center. It is short lived as he easily aligns himself with me and enters. Panic and desire fill my entire being. I find myself crying and moaning at the same time. Without concern he begins using me, taking his fill of what my body has to offer. His hands keep my upper body pressed against the wall, the concrete gripping painfully at my clothing and exposed skin. My scalp burned from the pulling of my hair. My toes hurt from bearing all of my weight. A thought flashed in my head, telling me for a split second to use our safeword. But...the realization that I didn't want him to filled my head. I needed this, I needed to feel him hurt me...to use me as nothing but a cunt to satiate his deepest darkest desires...to remind me I would always be beneath him. It was as if he could read my thoughts as he instructed me to cum with him and like the good little slut I am, I did...
I wake after this, in my bed without him and my whole body aches. The past few days I've managed to smile instead of crying as I had when he first left. Instead...my tears wait for him. Like everything else about me, they too know that they are his and his alone. Perhaps you do not know what that feels like. To know that every thought, emotion...everything down to each individual cell in your body is owned by someone. I am still coming to grips with that I think but honestly...it's by far the most beautiful thing I've every experienced. The only thing that it shares a spot with is the day I became a mother...if that tells you anything. There are few things in life that we can look back on and no matter what say it was the best thing I've ever done. Being his, serving him and being a mom are it for me...they are the two greatest things I will achieve in this lifetime...
I found myself walking, stumbling down a dark alley. I could hear him chuckling (did I ever mention how sinister his laugh can be? *grins*)and telling me to catch up. I could hear the low rumbling of music and familiar scent of the city filled my nostrils. I heard a woman's laugh from behind me and turned to see a couple stumbling past the alley's opening where I had just come from. I moved to turn back around, to carry on my way. My mouth opened to call out to him but was cut off by the hand that came up around my throat. First instinct was to scream but he always seems to know my moves before I do. His voice was as low as a whisper in my ear and his tall frame pressed against my back. He told me I was to remain quiet, not one peep was to leave my lips. He pulled me back further into the alley away from the light. Now, I am not one afraid of the dark but I felt my heart begin to pound in my chest and could hear the blood in my ears. I know he felt my pulse quicken because his fingers tightened around my neck. I reached back to grab a hold of his jeans and his voice sounded in my ears. No touching was allowed either. I let out a strangled whimper and he laughed...right before my front met the cold surface of a concrete wall. His other hand came up to slide his fingers into my hair, gripping it firmly and pressing my cheek into the rough surface. (Can anyone say "He had me at hello"?)
The hand at my throat released it's hold and a waive of dizziness swept over me at the sudden return of complete oxygen. My knees gave a little and his grip on my hair tightened. I was told to be a good little cunt and stand tall. I did as told, awkwardly so as a foot kicked between mine signalling for me to spread them. His free hand pulled up on the material of my dress and the cool night air gave rise to goosebumps. His fingers gripped roughly at my skin, at my ass, his fingertips digging in (just so you know...yea, I love when he does that hehe). His hand seemed to be everywhere...pulling the thongs he allowed me to wear up till they were almost painfully rubbing against my clit, slipping into my bra to pinch and roughly manhandle my breasts, painfully pinching and pulling at the soft skin on my thighs.
Suddenly the hand was gone and I struggled to catch my breath. I waited for him to release me or turn me to face him. It did not come. He pressed my face harder against the wall as the distinct sound of a zipper sounded. I tried to turn and it earned me a stinging slap against my exposed ass. I was to be a good little cunt so that he could remind me of my place. I felt confused, not sure if this is exactly where I wanted to go...not yet. Tears began to flow and my quiet sob was answered by a low moan...one so low that if you weren't paying attention you might miss it. It is a sound I am now so incredibly attuned to. I felt his cock brush against my ass cheek and I flinched. Part of me wanted to cower but he controlled me. Instead I found myself remaining still as he bid. Tip toes he bid and pulled up on my hair. My heels only gave so much height. When I did not move as fast as he would have liked, he pulled painfully on my hair and I found myself complying.
He tells me to pull my thongs to the side and my shaking hands move to do as told. The cool night air hits my damp center. It is short lived as he easily aligns himself with me and enters. Panic and desire fill my entire being. I find myself crying and moaning at the same time. Without concern he begins using me, taking his fill of what my body has to offer. His hands keep my upper body pressed against the wall, the concrete gripping painfully at my clothing and exposed skin. My scalp burned from the pulling of my hair. My toes hurt from bearing all of my weight. A thought flashed in my head, telling me for a split second to use our safeword. But...the realization that I didn't want him to filled my head. I needed this, I needed to feel him hurt me...to use me as nothing but a cunt to satiate his deepest darkest desires...to remind me I would always be beneath him. It was as if he could read my thoughts as he instructed me to cum with him and like the good little slut I am, I did...
I wake after this, in my bed without him and my whole body aches. The past few days I've managed to smile instead of crying as I had when he first left. Instead...my tears wait for him. Like everything else about me, they too know that they are his and his alone. Perhaps you do not know what that feels like. To know that every thought, emotion...everything down to each individual cell in your body is owned by someone. I am still coming to grips with that I think but honestly...it's by far the most beautiful thing I've every experienced. The only thing that it shares a spot with is the day I became a mother...if that tells you anything. There are few things in life that we can look back on and no matter what say it was the best thing I've ever done. Being his, serving him and being a mom are it for me...they are the two greatest things I will achieve in this lifetime...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Startling Discoveries
If you are allergic to sappy blog posts, you may want to just move on to the next blog. I have some things in my head that need to be aired so that perhaps I can wrap my head around them. And yes...this is probably going to be a long one so if you're staying...I'd suggest grabbing a drink and popcorn from the concession stand...maybe even a box of candy too.
As we all know, I discovered the lifestyle well before M. It was a rough adjustment ditching the ideals that the world today builds up and those that I had misconstrued as a child. Growing up as a teen, Woman's lib really began to take form and rear it's ugly head. They began teaching us girls that we had to be strong, independent women. "Never EVER depend on a man for anything." Now...growing up in my household, that was a foreign notion for the most part. My mother was a professional homemaker aka "A stay at home mom." This was deemed by my Dad. His belief was that is where the woman should be, at home making sure the children and home were taken care of. As we got older, the burden of the household chores were lightened as some were passed down to us kids. Once I hit the age of 14, old enough to baby sit after school, my mom ventured outside of the home and on a part time basis began working here and there...when Dad allowed of course. Me, being the oldest of 5 girls, the most headstrong and definitely the most independent of the kids could not really grasp why. Why did Dad insist on making her so dependent? More importantly, why did she just go with the flow and allow it? I swore I was going to go to college, get an education and would see to it that situation never happened.
Once I hit my senior year, Dad through a wrench into the cog of life. He sat me down for a talk. He told me outright, I had two options. Go to college and make something of myself or go into the military. No matter my choice he would support me, was proud of the woman I was quickly becoming and wanted me to become a strong woman who never HAD to depend on anyone if I didn't want to. Now...imagine my confusion then. I was expecting "Find a man" or "It's OK if you decide to get married and be a stay at home mom"...anything but what he told me. I asked him why then and his words were "You're smart and you'll understand it later on." This is a man, who despite me being confused as to why he made my mom so dependent, was by far the most intelligent person I knew. He really was "God" in our house. All 5 of us girls had more respect for him than was humanly possible...and even though he passed 6 years ago, he still very much is the most awesome guy I've ever known. In my eyes, he walked on water. But at that time, I gave him the WTF? look and even asked him again...why ? He gave me one of his favorite replies of "Because I said so." (Call me weird but there always was this cool way he said that and "Because I can" with this shit eating grin and tone that surely looking back...was the Devil's lol)
But, I took his words and held them close. I went to college, got an education and while I am struggling to make ends meet, I am for the most part independent. I held onto the head strong, stubborn ways that we all learned so well from him. I went through a marriage that failed (yea...that smarted because failure was never an option...it's a Virgo trait). I still did not understand his words. Sure I was educated but it still did not get me anywhere. There was a part missing and I could never place my finger on it. Then three years ago, I met Michael. He shared my Dad's name...and while some things were the same, he was so NOT my Dad lol. But he did get me set on the right road. He introduced me to the world of BDSM (something that I had become interested in during my marriage) and soon to follow, the world of Domination & submission. You all know the story there so I won't bother you again with the details but even still, there was something still missing. During that time I did begin to comprehend what I had seen growing up and of course why things were the way they were between the parents. The only issue being I still could not grasp that level of "submission" my mother had towards my Dad. I could not possibly understand why a woman would completely walk away from independence and "equality" to be THAT subservient to a man.
Enter stage left...Ricke. Between him and good friends of mine, my training was completed as a Submissive and partly...a Slave. It was here that I truly began seeing, more importantly understanding the whys. I began to truly comprehend that while independence was all fine and dandy, there was something beautiful in submission...something Michael failed to show. He was very much a "Me Me Me and NEVER you" Dom. As you've read in earlier posts, Ricke and I did grow apart and I came to a point where my growing with him stopped. Being the gracious man he is, he set me free. I came to see that I wanted more out of a D/s relationship. I wanted the 24/7 TPE, Dominant and Submissive life and it was not something he wanted. That's ok. I continued learning, became well read and moved on. The issue there was, I did not know if I would ever be able to reach the same level of devotion and submission my mom had for my Dad. I knew I wanted something "similar" but can say now that at the time...it scared me and I still had not really come to fully understand or appreciate it. I just knew that I wanted...more.
Here's where the startling discovery comes in. If you've been following along, you all know that 9 months ago I gave my submission to M. It started as an experiment, something to test the waters. He was just coming into the lifestyle. I was experienced and had been trained and even still so many said "OMG J...be careful." And I was, I was cautious. I even subconsciously put up every wall I could find around the core of who I was. I treated it just as we had said...an experiment. I was reserved, well behaved but still reserved. Then he began to push and pull. Despite my resolve, I began giving in little by little...even without realizing it. He proved time and time again that he was a natural, more importantly, that he was more "knowledgeable" than he even realized. Like Mike, he had the advantage of having been a friend first. But unlike Mike, he had a touch...a way of getting inside and turning everything I thought I knew upside down. Within months, he had broken down every single barrier I had put up and was reaching parts of me I didn't even know existed. He began turning lights on that I wasn't sure I wanted turned on.
Under his tutelage I soon found myself falling head over heels for him. But, he scared me...to death. I was like the opium addict and he was quickly proving to be the perfect Opium Den. He was not easy to read and it intrigued me, quiet and reserved, never overly emotional. Always cool, calm and collected. There was still something about him, a way about him that was so familiar that frayed every edge to my sanity because I could not for the longest understand or put my finger on as to what it was. That came a few months ago when I asked him why to something and his response was "Because I said so." That literally stopped me dead in my tracks. He was not in front of me but I heard the sadistic grin in his voice. Yea...my knees did instantly go weak...I'm sick like that lol. I tried like hell to put it out of my head and went about my business...but it still got me. Over time, the similarities became...astounding. It was creepy if truth be told. Creepier even though that he was pushing me towards a level of submission that I wasn't sure I was ready for.
Before his trip here, I began to understand exactly where I was and what I felt. At least I thought I was understanding. I had come to the conclusion that I wanted to give all to him, that it was his hand I wanted guiding me. My independence was slowly fading, the stubborn and head strong girl I once had been was growing into someone new. I found myself often contemplating and wanting to be the one taking care of home and more importantly him. I told him as much. Yes, he always replied in like saying it was what he wanted as well. That he loved me and while it touched the very core of me every time he said it...there was still this...doubt, this fear. There was still one hurdle to overcome...myself. I was still so very afraid of losing myself. (Yes, this part is a repeat but it's part of what needs to come out so just indulge me for a few.)
Then he arrived. All of my fears were confirmed and overcome in one moment. He walked through the airport gate and had this smile that completely lit up every dark night I have had and ever will have. The first thought in my head was...This is home. After 9 long months of struggling and pushing away, there was no pushing. He wrapped his arms around me and life took on a new meaning. In that moment, there was no doubt...I was completely lost in him but I wasn't scared. It was really rather...natural. There was only one hiccup, not by his doing but...he didn't miss a beat and made sure to let me know exactly where we stood and how he felt. Otherwise, I came to the full understanding as to why my mother gave into my dad. Why she so easily bent to his will and loved him so much more for it. In the span of a few days, I found that level and honestly it isn't as scary as I thought. Instead it is more than I ever could wish or hope for. There isn't any part of me that could hide from M, even if I wanted to. There isn't any length I would not go to in order to serve him or place inside of me I would not reach if it meant he wanted it.
It is an awe inspiring place. One that most submissives dream of or fear the most. In losing myself, I found home and a savior. There's a name for it...it's M. My Dad made me become the woman I am, made me discover the deepest parts of me so that when I did finally find what he knew I would find...I'd appreciate it. The only regret there is that he isn't here for me to thank personally. I'll get that chance one day but until then...Hopefully, if M is willing...I will spend the rest of that time growing into the woman my Dad knew I could be. Thank you Dad...And for M...Thank you for leaving me speechless so often.
"Speechless" by The Veronicas
Feels like I have always known you
And I swear I dreamt about you
All those endless nights I was alone
It's like I've spent forever searching
Now I know that it was worth it
With you it feels like I am finally home
Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life
'Cause you leave me speechless
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
Can't help but surrender
My everything to you
I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no
Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life
You leave me speechless
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender
Oh no
My everything to you
You leave me speechless
(the way you smile, the way you touch my face)
You leave me breathless
(it's something that you do I can't explain)
I run a million miles just to hear you say my name
Baby
You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender
My everything to you
As we all know, I discovered the lifestyle well before M. It was a rough adjustment ditching the ideals that the world today builds up and those that I had misconstrued as a child. Growing up as a teen, Woman's lib really began to take form and rear it's ugly head. They began teaching us girls that we had to be strong, independent women. "Never EVER depend on a man for anything." Now...growing up in my household, that was a foreign notion for the most part. My mother was a professional homemaker aka "A stay at home mom." This was deemed by my Dad. His belief was that is where the woman should be, at home making sure the children and home were taken care of. As we got older, the burden of the household chores were lightened as some were passed down to us kids. Once I hit the age of 14, old enough to baby sit after school, my mom ventured outside of the home and on a part time basis began working here and there...when Dad allowed of course. Me, being the oldest of 5 girls, the most headstrong and definitely the most independent of the kids could not really grasp why. Why did Dad insist on making her so dependent? More importantly, why did she just go with the flow and allow it? I swore I was going to go to college, get an education and would see to it that situation never happened.
Once I hit my senior year, Dad through a wrench into the cog of life. He sat me down for a talk. He told me outright, I had two options. Go to college and make something of myself or go into the military. No matter my choice he would support me, was proud of the woman I was quickly becoming and wanted me to become a strong woman who never HAD to depend on anyone if I didn't want to. Now...imagine my confusion then. I was expecting "Find a man" or "It's OK if you decide to get married and be a stay at home mom"...anything but what he told me. I asked him why then and his words were "You're smart and you'll understand it later on." This is a man, who despite me being confused as to why he made my mom so dependent, was by far the most intelligent person I knew. He really was "God" in our house. All 5 of us girls had more respect for him than was humanly possible...and even though he passed 6 years ago, he still very much is the most awesome guy I've ever known. In my eyes, he walked on water. But at that time, I gave him the WTF? look and even asked him again...why ? He gave me one of his favorite replies of "Because I said so." (Call me weird but there always was this cool way he said that and "Because I can" with this shit eating grin and tone that surely looking back...was the Devil's lol)
But, I took his words and held them close. I went to college, got an education and while I am struggling to make ends meet, I am for the most part independent. I held onto the head strong, stubborn ways that we all learned so well from him. I went through a marriage that failed (yea...that smarted because failure was never an option...it's a Virgo trait). I still did not understand his words. Sure I was educated but it still did not get me anywhere. There was a part missing and I could never place my finger on it. Then three years ago, I met Michael. He shared my Dad's name...and while some things were the same, he was so NOT my Dad lol. But he did get me set on the right road. He introduced me to the world of BDSM (something that I had become interested in during my marriage) and soon to follow, the world of Domination & submission. You all know the story there so I won't bother you again with the details but even still, there was something still missing. During that time I did begin to comprehend what I had seen growing up and of course why things were the way they were between the parents. The only issue being I still could not grasp that level of "submission" my mother had towards my Dad. I could not possibly understand why a woman would completely walk away from independence and "equality" to be THAT subservient to a man.
Enter stage left...Ricke. Between him and good friends of mine, my training was completed as a Submissive and partly...a Slave. It was here that I truly began seeing, more importantly understanding the whys. I began to truly comprehend that while independence was all fine and dandy, there was something beautiful in submission...something Michael failed to show. He was very much a "Me Me Me and NEVER you" Dom. As you've read in earlier posts, Ricke and I did grow apart and I came to a point where my growing with him stopped. Being the gracious man he is, he set me free. I came to see that I wanted more out of a D/s relationship. I wanted the 24/7 TPE, Dominant and Submissive life and it was not something he wanted. That's ok. I continued learning, became well read and moved on. The issue there was, I did not know if I would ever be able to reach the same level of devotion and submission my mom had for my Dad. I knew I wanted something "similar" but can say now that at the time...it scared me and I still had not really come to fully understand or appreciate it. I just knew that I wanted...more.
Here's where the startling discovery comes in. If you've been following along, you all know that 9 months ago I gave my submission to M. It started as an experiment, something to test the waters. He was just coming into the lifestyle. I was experienced and had been trained and even still so many said "OMG J...be careful." And I was, I was cautious. I even subconsciously put up every wall I could find around the core of who I was. I treated it just as we had said...an experiment. I was reserved, well behaved but still reserved. Then he began to push and pull. Despite my resolve, I began giving in little by little...even without realizing it. He proved time and time again that he was a natural, more importantly, that he was more "knowledgeable" than he even realized. Like Mike, he had the advantage of having been a friend first. But unlike Mike, he had a touch...a way of getting inside and turning everything I thought I knew upside down. Within months, he had broken down every single barrier I had put up and was reaching parts of me I didn't even know existed. He began turning lights on that I wasn't sure I wanted turned on.
Under his tutelage I soon found myself falling head over heels for him. But, he scared me...to death. I was like the opium addict and he was quickly proving to be the perfect Opium Den. He was not easy to read and it intrigued me, quiet and reserved, never overly emotional. Always cool, calm and collected. There was still something about him, a way about him that was so familiar that frayed every edge to my sanity because I could not for the longest understand or put my finger on as to what it was. That came a few months ago when I asked him why to something and his response was "Because I said so." That literally stopped me dead in my tracks. He was not in front of me but I heard the sadistic grin in his voice. Yea...my knees did instantly go weak...I'm sick like that lol. I tried like hell to put it out of my head and went about my business...but it still got me. Over time, the similarities became...astounding. It was creepy if truth be told. Creepier even though that he was pushing me towards a level of submission that I wasn't sure I was ready for.
Before his trip here, I began to understand exactly where I was and what I felt. At least I thought I was understanding. I had come to the conclusion that I wanted to give all to him, that it was his hand I wanted guiding me. My independence was slowly fading, the stubborn and head strong girl I once had been was growing into someone new. I found myself often contemplating and wanting to be the one taking care of home and more importantly him. I told him as much. Yes, he always replied in like saying it was what he wanted as well. That he loved me and while it touched the very core of me every time he said it...there was still this...doubt, this fear. There was still one hurdle to overcome...myself. I was still so very afraid of losing myself. (Yes, this part is a repeat but it's part of what needs to come out so just indulge me for a few.)
Then he arrived. All of my fears were confirmed and overcome in one moment. He walked through the airport gate and had this smile that completely lit up every dark night I have had and ever will have. The first thought in my head was...This is home. After 9 long months of struggling and pushing away, there was no pushing. He wrapped his arms around me and life took on a new meaning. In that moment, there was no doubt...I was completely lost in him but I wasn't scared. It was really rather...natural. There was only one hiccup, not by his doing but...he didn't miss a beat and made sure to let me know exactly where we stood and how he felt. Otherwise, I came to the full understanding as to why my mother gave into my dad. Why she so easily bent to his will and loved him so much more for it. In the span of a few days, I found that level and honestly it isn't as scary as I thought. Instead it is more than I ever could wish or hope for. There isn't any part of me that could hide from M, even if I wanted to. There isn't any length I would not go to in order to serve him or place inside of me I would not reach if it meant he wanted it.
It is an awe inspiring place. One that most submissives dream of or fear the most. In losing myself, I found home and a savior. There's a name for it...it's M. My Dad made me become the woman I am, made me discover the deepest parts of me so that when I did finally find what he knew I would find...I'd appreciate it. The only regret there is that he isn't here for me to thank personally. I'll get that chance one day but until then...Hopefully, if M is willing...I will spend the rest of that time growing into the woman my Dad knew I could be. Thank you Dad...And for M...Thank you for leaving me speechless so often.
"Speechless" by The Veronicas
Feels like I have always known you
And I swear I dreamt about you
All those endless nights I was alone
It's like I've spent forever searching
Now I know that it was worth it
With you it feels like I am finally home
Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life
'Cause you leave me speechless
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
Can't help but surrender
My everything to you
I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no
Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life
You leave me speechless
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender
Oh no
My everything to you
You leave me speechless
(the way you smile, the way you touch my face)
You leave me breathless
(it's something that you do I can't explain)
I run a million miles just to hear you say my name
Baby
You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender
My everything to you
Monday, March 15, 2010
Extreme Highs and Lows that are more than worth it
The past 4 days were spent in the heaven that is M. He arrived here on Thursday at 1:55PM and for the first time in as long as I can remember I was so incredibly happy. The nerves I had before hand disappeared the moment I caught sight of him and he gave me that smile all of us subs are so used to seeing. It was definitely one of those moments in life that will never be forgotten and rated near the top of moments that take one's breath away. We spent our days out and about for the most part with not so scheduled down time in between. The weather was beautiful, food was great and even the little whole in the wall B&B was worth it. The only thing I could have possibly asked for is more time.
Sadly, Sunday afternoon came all too quick for both of us. With a lot of tears and promises for the future, we bid our temporary good byes and I watched him make his way down to security to board his plane. There have been a lot of hard times in my life...that was by far one of the hardest. Of course, when it is ever easy to let your heart go off without you?
Now, we are both left with a lot of reflection and a drop that was expected but no less easy to handle. I have spent most of my time going in between tears and extreme happiness and the occasional spot of anger. I stated before hand that this trip did have a lot riding on it, there were a lot of pieces that would not and could not fall till it happened. Now the pieces have fallen into place and I am able to look at everything with an oddly clearer mind. Before this trip, I feared what I felt or at least the depth to which I felt it for him. I feared losing myself inside of him. I feared it not being the same face to face. I feared his disappointment. Most of all I feared his rejection after all of this.
I am happy to report that yea, some of those fears did come to light. I do love him more than I did before and it runs deeper than anything I've ever known. There is not a level to which he could push me, a request that I would possibly deny him or a place that I wouldn't crawl if it meant being beside him. I don't exactly fear that anymore, it is what it is and he has accepted that and more. I did lose myself in him but more importantly I found myself in him. I never realized before how utterly incomplete I was or what life lacked before. With him, I feel whole. It may sound utterly cliche but um...I don't really care. I am not a mushy sappy person but on this...This makes every romantic comedy or touching scene you've ever seen in a movie a total fail because they don't come close in real life.
Some of this has been hard to come to terms with. It's not easy knowing someone is as important as oxygen or that they are the edge of the very sword your whole world balances on. But by the same token...it has only added to the depth of my submission. It has shed new light for me when so much was covered by darkness. There were places I couldn't or wouldn't go...not so much anymore. I am seeing a new levels of my submission that I did not even comprehend that I could reach. It's really very liberating in so many ways...to know you can completely put yourself into someone Else's hands without reserve. I was with the same person for 12 yrs of my life...12. Was married to this person and never once did I ever reach this level of devotion, trust or love. Sad...isn't it? It is to me but then I am not going to shoulder all the blame. The important thing is that now...I see and feel things I never thought ever possible. And I have one person to thank for that...
Master, without you I would not be a submissive. This past weekend you gave me the solid ground I so desperately needed, the ability to see for the first time in my life and the chance to feel what every submissive only ever dreams of. You led me to the edge of the cliff and for the first time, I wasn't afraid. You pushed me off and I flew. Your guidance, your hand, your love....You've saved me and everything that I am will always be yours. I don't know that I will every be able to come close but I'll gladly spend every day from here to eternity at your feet trying to give it all back and more. I love you and it is a beautiful privilege to be called yours and yours alone.
Sadly, Sunday afternoon came all too quick for both of us. With a lot of tears and promises for the future, we bid our temporary good byes and I watched him make his way down to security to board his plane. There have been a lot of hard times in my life...that was by far one of the hardest. Of course, when it is ever easy to let your heart go off without you?
Now, we are both left with a lot of reflection and a drop that was expected but no less easy to handle. I have spent most of my time going in between tears and extreme happiness and the occasional spot of anger. I stated before hand that this trip did have a lot riding on it, there were a lot of pieces that would not and could not fall till it happened. Now the pieces have fallen into place and I am able to look at everything with an oddly clearer mind. Before this trip, I feared what I felt or at least the depth to which I felt it for him. I feared losing myself inside of him. I feared it not being the same face to face. I feared his disappointment. Most of all I feared his rejection after all of this.
I am happy to report that yea, some of those fears did come to light. I do love him more than I did before and it runs deeper than anything I've ever known. There is not a level to which he could push me, a request that I would possibly deny him or a place that I wouldn't crawl if it meant being beside him. I don't exactly fear that anymore, it is what it is and he has accepted that and more. I did lose myself in him but more importantly I found myself in him. I never realized before how utterly incomplete I was or what life lacked before. With him, I feel whole. It may sound utterly cliche but um...I don't really care. I am not a mushy sappy person but on this...This makes every romantic comedy or touching scene you've ever seen in a movie a total fail because they don't come close in real life.
Some of this has been hard to come to terms with. It's not easy knowing someone is as important as oxygen or that they are the edge of the very sword your whole world balances on. But by the same token...it has only added to the depth of my submission. It has shed new light for me when so much was covered by darkness. There were places I couldn't or wouldn't go...not so much anymore. I am seeing a new levels of my submission that I did not even comprehend that I could reach. It's really very liberating in so many ways...to know you can completely put yourself into someone Else's hands without reserve. I was with the same person for 12 yrs of my life...12. Was married to this person and never once did I ever reach this level of devotion, trust or love. Sad...isn't it? It is to me but then I am not going to shoulder all the blame. The important thing is that now...I see and feel things I never thought ever possible. And I have one person to thank for that...
Master, without you I would not be a submissive. This past weekend you gave me the solid ground I so desperately needed, the ability to see for the first time in my life and the chance to feel what every submissive only ever dreams of. You led me to the edge of the cliff and for the first time, I wasn't afraid. You pushed me off and I flew. Your guidance, your hand, your love....You've saved me and everything that I am will always be yours. I don't know that I will every be able to come close but I'll gladly spend every day from here to eternity at your feet trying to give it all back and more. I love you and it is a beautiful privilege to be called yours and yours alone.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Who gave you the right to.....
So now that I've managed to clear my head...it's allowed me to do some thinking on the other issues that come up in TTWD. I was catching up on my reading, finally being able to comprehend and appreciate the words of wisdom from others. One thing that sparked my mind was the gift issue. It's probably one of the more touchy subjects in our lifestyle, amazing that there are any given the subject matter that can arise in any lifestyle discussion. I've read and heard many arguments from both sides of the aisle and I understand/appreciate each opinion. And it is just that, our opinions. There is no right or wrong way to do it. That would be like saying "You're not kissing right" or "You're not having sex right." Ok...you can stop laughing from that second comment. In all seriousness, it's true. Just as in any other walk of life, whether it be vanilla, gay, simple BDSM...you get the picture, there really is no wrong way to look at it because we are all so incredibly different.
The important thing I believe we all need to remember is it is OUR own life, not that of someone else. We all strive to be individuals, especially in this lifestyle. We all face the ever leering scrutiny of non-kink, or vanilla, outsiders who condemn us with words such as pervert, deviant, mentally touched (and not in a good way). Guess what? If me appreciating each and every bruise M leaves on my body, or the pain he may inflict makes me "Mentally Touched" then please...I say "Touch me some more!" Seriously, I will wear each of those titles proudly. Why? Because I enjoy the life I live. I respect that "they" may see the world for the roses when I see it for the thorns. My only complaint there is that I have to hide it because the outside world doesn't really understand.
And in that very same comment, it burdens my mind when I see those of us within the lifestyle bickering over opinions. They are just that...opinions. And we all know what they say about opinions...they're like a**holes, everyone has one. We struggle enough with the "outside world" why should we struggle within. If anything, we should be more appreciative of each other's opinions and rejoice in our own unique individuality. Not trying to force our own opinions onto others. Of course...this is all just MY opinion.
As for the gift discussion, well I see both sides as a gift of sorts. It is something that is given purely by choice...not just my submission or the right to ownership of me, but in return the right to call M Master or Sir. It is something we give each other that comes in many parts and pieces. Sure, I understand it is something that can be revoked or taken away. We sometimes look as life as a gift...that can be taken away too. Gifts are not expected, but they sure as hell make us happy to receive. M's dominance is very much like that for me. I didn't expect him to accept my submission or accept the role as Master in my life...but when he did, he gave me the precious gift of control and stability. Over time, love has become an unexpected but treasured part of that gift. I guess you can look at as a CD or Bond (which are often given as gifts and can be revoked should our economy continue to take a nose dive). It starts out small and builds interest and value over time. Our relationship is far from being "mature" but every day it grows exponentially in value. For me, it is a gift that keeps giving. In my eyes (and no, I don't see the world through rose colored glasses...too practical for that)it's a beautiful exchange and one I hope continues for many many years to come.
But again...it's just my two cents on the subject. I could say more but I am not here to persuade you one way or another...it is simply my opinion. So next time any of us get urked over someone's opinion, take a step back and think before speaking. What gives any of us the right?
The important thing I believe we all need to remember is it is OUR own life, not that of someone else. We all strive to be individuals, especially in this lifestyle. We all face the ever leering scrutiny of non-kink, or vanilla, outsiders who condemn us with words such as pervert, deviant, mentally touched (and not in a good way). Guess what? If me appreciating each and every bruise M leaves on my body, or the pain he may inflict makes me "Mentally Touched" then please...I say "Touch me some more!" Seriously, I will wear each of those titles proudly. Why? Because I enjoy the life I live. I respect that "they" may see the world for the roses when I see it for the thorns. My only complaint there is that I have to hide it because the outside world doesn't really understand.
And in that very same comment, it burdens my mind when I see those of us within the lifestyle bickering over opinions. They are just that...opinions. And we all know what they say about opinions...they're like a**holes, everyone has one. We struggle enough with the "outside world" why should we struggle within. If anything, we should be more appreciative of each other's opinions and rejoice in our own unique individuality. Not trying to force our own opinions onto others. Of course...this is all just MY opinion.
As for the gift discussion, well I see both sides as a gift of sorts. It is something that is given purely by choice...not just my submission or the right to ownership of me, but in return the right to call M Master or Sir. It is something we give each other that comes in many parts and pieces. Sure, I understand it is something that can be revoked or taken away. We sometimes look as life as a gift...that can be taken away too. Gifts are not expected, but they sure as hell make us happy to receive. M's dominance is very much like that for me. I didn't expect him to accept my submission or accept the role as Master in my life...but when he did, he gave me the precious gift of control and stability. Over time, love has become an unexpected but treasured part of that gift. I guess you can look at as a CD or Bond (which are often given as gifts and can be revoked should our economy continue to take a nose dive). It starts out small and builds interest and value over time. Our relationship is far from being "mature" but every day it grows exponentially in value. For me, it is a gift that keeps giving. In my eyes (and no, I don't see the world through rose colored glasses...too practical for that)it's a beautiful exchange and one I hope continues for many many years to come.
But again...it's just my two cents on the subject. I could say more but I am not here to persuade you one way or another...it is simply my opinion. So next time any of us get urked over someone's opinion, take a step back and think before speaking. What gives any of us the right?
Insecurities
**Warning, this will probably not flow as well as it should but...forgive me. I have to try to clear my head, get this out so that I can at least attempt to get back to center.**
In a matter of days now, M will be here. As in, for the first time in our almost 9 month old relationship, we will be face to face without a computer or phone in between us. I should be ecstatic. Don't get me wrong, I am. We've both waited a long time for this and I wouldn't trade this for the world. But by the same time, I am now feeling more insecure and scared than I ever have before. I have been told it's normal. It's been these very insecurities, worries if you will, that have led to me doing a lot of thinking and reflection. Probably more than I should but some of the thoughts they've inspired are no less legit. They are concerns that probably should have come up before but, while they did in some manner, they just got pushed to the side.
These issues have been brought up to M, so he's aware of them. A little too aware really. Once I expunged all of those concerns, it has left me feeling incredibly empty. I wasn't able to really explain it until now...but the best, even more correct, way to put it is it's left me feeling more vulnerable than I ever have before. I've laid it all at his feet and the desire to pull the preverbial robe over me is incredibly strong. It's been made worse by the fact that now I fear it's changed the relationship, us in some way. I fear it may have changed how he feels about me and how he will handle me. On the last part, it's already happened. He has seemed to handle me with kid gloves...gone is the drop of "love" or "baby" and it's now strictly little one. Which, don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore being his little one and I usually smile when he calls me that (huge change from being just "girl"). But by the same...the distance or apprehension isn't what I either. I don't want or need gun shy, or even worse...pulling back.
For the first time in our relationship, I find myself at times wishing I had said nothing. That's not exactly a great thing to think when you're a submissive. But...it's something in my head. None of the concerns have really been discussed, which has added I think to the that feeling of being "alone" that I've been experiencing. I'm dealing with a lot of blaming myself, feeling incredibly disconnected...to the point that the last two days have been spent crying at the drop of a dime for no reason. It's like being in a sudden and self imposed drop. Which, I guess in many ways it is. I released everything that had been eating at me and finally came to a head. He commented that I needed an emotional break, I've had that. And perhaps in some ways I need another to cleanse this feeling of "nothingness" I've been battling.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am looking at taking the next step and I am fully aware where this could land me. I know with everything that I am that I love him more than I thought possible. He isn't just a Master or Dominant to me. He started as a friend, someone I had already trusted, someone who had held my hand through 2 cancer scares and the death of my grandmother. The transition to calling him Master was incredibly Natural. We said it would just be one step at a time and a trial of sorts. Almost 9 months later, I find he's become home for me. By home, he's where my heart is. He's not just Master or Sir, he's my security blanket when I'm scared, he's my savior when I need saving, the shoulder I cry on when I can't hold it back anymore, the ear that listens to me bitch about the little things...pretty much everything all wrapped up in this incredible package. It's a package that means more to me than there are words to express those feelings...and to be frank, I am scared I will or am losing it.
Should I feel like this? Probably not, but sometimes it's not so easy to read. There are a million reasons as to why he could choose to walk. The road ahead is not so perfectly clear...but is it ever for anyone? The other night, when all of this started, I put him a very uncomfortable place. He felt out of control and it's my fault. I know that and really, there is no reason he should forgive me...really it's just one more reason he has for walking. All I can do there is pray he doesn't. I know he can not just cure all, but really...a lot of this only he can solve. I can only get myself so far. I was stupid for having thought I could solve this without him...I guess it was that last piece of struggle that we all must go through. Either way, I need him to push, to reassure...basically to help fix this. More than anything, I need to be reminded where things stand for him where we are concerned. He asked me last night "How can I help?" My response at the time had been "Make it better." It had not been a very clear answer then because I couldn't put a lot into words. Hopefully this will help make it a little more clear...
Master, I am so incredibly sorry for my own short comings. I will work on that. I know that come Thursday...a lot of who we are will be reinforced. But I can only ask that you not pull back, that you not go easy. You pushing is what keeps me where I should be. Yes, there are issues that need to be dealt with. I just...have to have faith that this is as important to you as it is to me. I really do not want our time together to be overcast by doubts and insecurities. But...I am doing what I should have done from the get go. It is all at your feet...do with it what you will.
In a matter of days now, M will be here. As in, for the first time in our almost 9 month old relationship, we will be face to face without a computer or phone in between us. I should be ecstatic. Don't get me wrong, I am. We've both waited a long time for this and I wouldn't trade this for the world. But by the same time, I am now feeling more insecure and scared than I ever have before. I have been told it's normal. It's been these very insecurities, worries if you will, that have led to me doing a lot of thinking and reflection. Probably more than I should but some of the thoughts they've inspired are no less legit. They are concerns that probably should have come up before but, while they did in some manner, they just got pushed to the side.
These issues have been brought up to M, so he's aware of them. A little too aware really. Once I expunged all of those concerns, it has left me feeling incredibly empty. I wasn't able to really explain it until now...but the best, even more correct, way to put it is it's left me feeling more vulnerable than I ever have before. I've laid it all at his feet and the desire to pull the preverbial robe over me is incredibly strong. It's been made worse by the fact that now I fear it's changed the relationship, us in some way. I fear it may have changed how he feels about me and how he will handle me. On the last part, it's already happened. He has seemed to handle me with kid gloves...gone is the drop of "love" or "baby" and it's now strictly little one. Which, don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore being his little one and I usually smile when he calls me that (huge change from being just "girl"). But by the same...the distance or apprehension isn't what I either. I don't want or need gun shy, or even worse...pulling back.
For the first time in our relationship, I find myself at times wishing I had said nothing. That's not exactly a great thing to think when you're a submissive. But...it's something in my head. None of the concerns have really been discussed, which has added I think to the that feeling of being "alone" that I've been experiencing. I'm dealing with a lot of blaming myself, feeling incredibly disconnected...to the point that the last two days have been spent crying at the drop of a dime for no reason. It's like being in a sudden and self imposed drop. Which, I guess in many ways it is. I released everything that had been eating at me and finally came to a head. He commented that I needed an emotional break, I've had that. And perhaps in some ways I need another to cleanse this feeling of "nothingness" I've been battling.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am looking at taking the next step and I am fully aware where this could land me. I know with everything that I am that I love him more than I thought possible. He isn't just a Master or Dominant to me. He started as a friend, someone I had already trusted, someone who had held my hand through 2 cancer scares and the death of my grandmother. The transition to calling him Master was incredibly Natural. We said it would just be one step at a time and a trial of sorts. Almost 9 months later, I find he's become home for me. By home, he's where my heart is. He's not just Master or Sir, he's my security blanket when I'm scared, he's my savior when I need saving, the shoulder I cry on when I can't hold it back anymore, the ear that listens to me bitch about the little things...pretty much everything all wrapped up in this incredible package. It's a package that means more to me than there are words to express those feelings...and to be frank, I am scared I will or am losing it.
Should I feel like this? Probably not, but sometimes it's not so easy to read. There are a million reasons as to why he could choose to walk. The road ahead is not so perfectly clear...but is it ever for anyone? The other night, when all of this started, I put him a very uncomfortable place. He felt out of control and it's my fault. I know that and really, there is no reason he should forgive me...really it's just one more reason he has for walking. All I can do there is pray he doesn't. I know he can not just cure all, but really...a lot of this only he can solve. I can only get myself so far. I was stupid for having thought I could solve this without him...I guess it was that last piece of struggle that we all must go through. Either way, I need him to push, to reassure...basically to help fix this. More than anything, I need to be reminded where things stand for him where we are concerned. He asked me last night "How can I help?" My response at the time had been "Make it better." It had not been a very clear answer then because I couldn't put a lot into words. Hopefully this will help make it a little more clear...
Master, I am so incredibly sorry for my own short comings. I will work on that. I know that come Thursday...a lot of who we are will be reinforced. But I can only ask that you not pull back, that you not go easy. You pushing is what keeps me where I should be. Yes, there are issues that need to be dealt with. I just...have to have faith that this is as important to you as it is to me. I really do not want our time together to be overcast by doubts and insecurities. But...I am doing what I should have done from the get go. It is all at your feet...do with it what you will.
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