We’re all aware that in a relationship you have to have all three. But I think the thing that gets lost in the translation a lot is that we have to trust each other through the changes that help us grow. It’s an important lesson and something we all need to be reminded of from time to time.
Changes are sometimes (more often than not in my own humble opinion) scary as shit. We become accustomed to certain behaviors, certain routines that get established without actually being “established.” We get comfortable in the happy phases, or honey moon phase as some call it, in the beginning of a relationship. We allow ourselves to get in touch with the idea “I don’t think it could get any better than this.” But then, as you start to get into the thick of it, things begin to change.
Why? Because as individuals, we are always growing. That is a fact of life…Life is a constant learning experience. With these new learned experiences, we grow as individuals. Our horizons expand and we find interests in so many other avenues. This is extremely prevalent in our lifestyle. At the very first munch I went to, a comment was made that has always stuck with me. I was asked what my bdsm interests were and before I could respond, one of the women smiled and said “Don’t worry hun, no need to think to hard because a year from now they won’t be the same as they are now.” That still comes back up to mock me from time to time…ask M. Just in the year we’ve been together, my limits have changed and I’ve become more interested in things that were huge NO NO’s when we first started talking. But that is just one small facet…the point being we all are constantly finding new pieces of ourselves. We’re like trees, you prune it back and by the next year, there are a dozen new limbs.
With this growth, we begin changing. We have to, in order to accommodate the new growth, we have to morph…change into a “new skin.” But we often forget that with our own personal growth, we’ve made commitments to our significant others…may they be your submissive, your Master, your top or just plain old vanilla partner. When we enter a relationship and we dignify it as such, we make that commitment that with our growth, we will grow with that person. This is where communication really plays a major role. It is our duty to communicate these changes or growths as they begin to happen. Allow the person you are with share in the amazement we, ourselves, find in these changes. As they share in our person growth, they grow as well…in turn, the relationship begins to grow and change.
In order to communicate these new things, we have to be willing to trust the person we are with to support and encourage us in our growth. We all know that without trust, you do not really have a relationship. That’s a given. But sometimes, we get into a spot where we don’t trust ourselves enough either. Case in point, M and I had an issue come up yesterday. I had been trying to deal with some of my own issues by myself. I’ve still not completely recovered emotionally from the miscarriage (it’s has not been 2 weeks yet and while I feel ok and can talk about it…I still deal with moments of depression and heart break). This has been a huge issue because he is handling very well and I began thinking that perhaps I was crazy for still having grief over it. He has school, finals will be coming up, projects are due and he is preparing for his final semester. So he’s been busy, which in my hormonal state I began taking it as him pulling away (Good example of he is changing with his school growth, so our schedules change. He doesn’t have as much time so things get cut out of our daily routines.) I’ve had issues come up with my ex and my daughter, and then my job has taken a turn for the worse. I did not want to put more on his plate because of school, I didn’t want to tell him that I was still having issues with the miscarriage for fear he’d think there was something wrong with me…just a myriad of things.
The deal killer here though, was I began to realize I wasn’t carrying everything so well on my own. The scary thing that hit me was that I began to realize I desperately needed him. I had changed during the course of the last year, no longer was I completely this solely independent person. I depend on him for a lot, he’s my Dominant. He has become the rock in which my world has been built upon. Now, no that is not meaning I’m this helpless little thing with no brain. That isn’t it at all. As a submissive, we change as our submission deepens. We relinquish control of decisions and carrying burdensome every day life alone up to them. It isn’t easy…suddenly realizing that you NEED someone else.
But in realizing this, I wasn’t trusting myself with this new found growth to say something and in turn, wasn’t trusting him to handle this growth or the burden of my life either. In my own self doubt, I allowed that to turn into a mistrust of the entire situation. In my growth of dependence and deepening of my own submission, I felt myself a burden. I saw it as something more to add to his plate. And with that, it spiraled down to he was pulling away because it was too much to bear. When in truth, I was doing the exact same thing…pulling away. Do you realize how incredibly scary that is? I literally gave myself an anxiety attack and the crappy thing is it could all have been avoided had I just trusted myself enough from the get go and turned to him.
We’ve talked it out but the moral of the story kids is that in all of this, we are changing, we are growing but we have to trust each other to handle and accept that changes as they have the rest of who we each are. For me, my relationship with M is the most important thing. We are looking at taking what we are further, we are making plans for the future. I am committing myself to him not only as a submissive or his woman, but I am committing to our growth together, to seeing him through both good times and bad. The only way either of us are going to be able to do this is to trust blindly at times and to grow with each other instead of apart. I know it will not always be easy, there are things we are going to argue about and we may even annoy the crap out of each other at times. But, at the end of the day we both have to remember that it is the health and growth of our relationship that is the most important thing…that our personal growth affects the other and if we only let the other grow with us…then we grow as a couple, making US stronger in the long run.
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