Restless

So, I’ve been tossing over and over in my mind as to what I should write about. I haven’t in a few days. Given the circumstances, I just really have not been in much of a mood to really get into blogging. If you want brutal honesty, I have no clue as to what I should be writing on today.

It’s been extremely rough. I am on this emotional rollercoaster that does not seem to have an end…just constantly going. Until today, it was very much the same…some moments have been good and I’ve found myself smiling at times. Then the very next, I find myself crashing into this invisible brick wall and I find the pain and depression is so heavy on me that I begin to think I can not take it. The doctor of course expected this and gave me anti-depressants to cope. But seriously? I can’t take them. I’ve never been one for pills to begin with and really they just zombify me. I literally just find myself sitting there, zoning out and completely numb. Who wants to be that way? Personally, I’d prefer the pain to the numb…not feeling can be even worse.

Here the last couple of days, Anxiety attacks have reared their ugly heads. Those are SOOOO much fun! *wipes the sarcasm off of her chin* As if the sadness and heart break were not enough…unexaplained fear, panic, hyperventilations, phantom chest pains, nausea all get tossed on the top. I’ve spoken with a few friends who are grief counselors. They’ve all assured me it’s extremely normal, it’s all part of the process. They said anger would also set in and I’d have to say they’re right.

Today I’ve found myself angry over the smallest of things, no patience what so ever, short. One thing set me off this morning and that was it. I’ve spent much of the rest of the day restless, antsy. I’ve even kept pretty quiet with M. Not trying to pull back, just saving myself from getting in trouble I guess. Last person I need to snap at is him. Of course…all of this leads to guilt. We all know the routine. Something throws us off, we become emotional, we begin questioning everything even if we have an answer, we feel bad when we question our Dom yet we do it anyway then we feel horrible because then we begin questioning our submission. Not so much our submission to them…just ourselves as submissives. It’s all a vicious cycle really.

I do know one thing. I am ready to not feel like this. Sadly, there is no wonder pill that can do that, no magic word. It takes time. I get that. For now, I’ve banned myself from reading several blogs that I follow, no sappy or sad movies (sucks because I love dramas), limited TV, limited music and…I only talk about it when I have to. Maybe not the best course of action…but for now, it’s working I guess.