Sometimes we forget

Sometimes we forget that this isn't really about us. We forget that what we do, everything we do is for the betterment and pleasure of our dominant. We get greedy at times when it comes to sex and even something as simple as an orgasm.

I did. My orgasms are controlled by him. M owns them and can give them when he sees fit. I should appreciate that. Here lately, we haven't had opportunities alone. I don't remember the last time we did in all honesty. It's been a while. Instead, he's been generous enough to call or text at different times, randomly. Orgasm on demand can sometimes be a handy thing to have, took us long enough to get it down to a science.

Thing is lately, they've all been at random times and always alone...meaning on my own without him. At first, it was not noticed. It hadn't been for a while but the last few times he's done this "surprise" release, I have found myself feeling bereft. I find myself down and pulling back afterwards. It always feels like a huge piece is missing. So much so that it's gotten to a point that the thought of it being better off if I just not release at all. I have found I cringe to think he may call or text again and command it of me. I will, I always do but I don't want the feeling that follows. Honestly...I don't want to without him.

Yes, I know. It's his enjoyment, it's what he wants and I know that later he will do his own thing. But even then...knowing that does nothing to make me feel better. Really, I try not to think about it because when I do a twinge of jealousy sets in...almost a feeling like why not with me? Why am I being denied?. Thoughts I just shouldn't be having. Why? I should just be happy knowing I've served him. Am I losing touch with my submission? That thought scares me. Am I just being greedy or selfish? I feel shame at admitting that could be a huge part of it. Issue is that sex is still a thought in my head. M does it for me in more ways than one. But right now...because of this...I really don't even want it to be subconscious thought.

Hopefully this will pass...

Relationships

All relationships take work. Whether new, old, down or at the top of its game. A common misconception from those new to the lifestyle is that due to all the rules, protocols and expectations, the relationship is easier. Of course, in some aspects, sure it is easier. We take the time to sit down with one another to discuss the general expectations of each other, what we hope to achieve from the relationship, certain rules on how the house is handled.

In large though, we are no different than the every other day to day couple. Especially when love is a factor. If your relationship, D/s M/s or D/d, is long term and fully committal, Then it's going to be hard. For me personally, I find being a D/s couple sometimes compounds the hard stuff. Not only do we have to maintain us as a couple but we have to find ways to maintain and stay inside the guidelines of our D/s or M/s lifestyle. Not everything can be answered or solved by a whipping or just because the Dom says it's done that way.

In all honesty, I find that often only makes matters worse. If we are having issues on the "vanilla" side, coming out and saying "I'm the Dom, this is the way it is...problem solved" just doesn't cut it. I sometimes find it will make me even more belligerent. Because I don't need a Dom at that moment. I need a Boyfriend, fiance, husband, etc. Or if there is something that has upset or angered me, I have to work extra hard to maintain my submissive side. If I speak my mind as it comes to fruition, then I regret it the moment it leaves my lips because it is rude of me to act in such a manner to M.

Yes, I've been told you should say how you feel. Be open and honest, create a space in which you can both discuss the issues on a level ground. But, if you're human...it doesn't always work out that way. There are going to be times something happens and one reacts out of instinct. Like with any couple, you both have to both be open to the other and try to be understanding.

There does come a time when the D/s or M/s side needs to be put on the back burner so that you can work on the issues as a normal couple without any extra weight. It isn't a matter of failing and there should not be any feelings of guilt. For us all, we need to remember that we are a couple when it all comes down to it. We have to be able to nurture that aspect of things. Another important thing to remember is that you are a D/s or M/s couple. We live a lifestyle that isn't very easy to live in today's society. People do not understand a lot of aspects of it but yet we do it every day, some days with uncanny easy. Some of us are natural submissives and doms and some of us are not. But, we all have to work hard at what we do. If we remember to put the same energy into being a couple as we do into filling those roles, then anything is possible.

As for me and M, we are still working on ours. I am struggling with my own life issues, my submission, a lot of self doubt, insecurity and being apart from him. He is dealing with his own issues with work and such. I have to work a little harder at not pulling back into myself. Another thing I am trying to work on is speaking my mind or saying how I feel without instantly regretting it and feeling as though I am failing at a submissive. I'm incredibly needy at the moment and sadly I am not able to have the contact from him that I need at the moment. But the same goes for him. He doesn't have the answers to make it better, he doesn't have a lot of time to give to me at the moment so...I am sure it isn't easy on him. Hopefully soon we will find common ground and be able to work the issues out. I can say, that it wasn't because he was my dominant that my heart chose him, it was because he does complete me in ways no one else has been able to...and I will be damned if we lose it because "we couldn't find the time" or because "we didn't know how to say it and didn't want to hurt the other's feelings."

What a mess

I've looked back over my last several posts and I see an ugly pattern. All of my posts have been down. I've been down. So I question, what is it and why isn't it ending? Perhaps I only feel inspired to write when I'm down? I dunno really.

Things seem to be piling up and I am not overly sure how to rectify that. It's not that I am always sad. I have had wonderful moments over the last few weeks but it seems that for whatever reason M and I just seem to be on a bad stretch. I'm confident that they will all work out. We will find the cause and eradicate it.

Until then though...I digress. It was an ok week up to a certain point. We fought and now things are just back to being strained. He's busy, I'm on eggshells. I'm working quite hard not to pull back into myself. It's a nasty habit I have when feeling insecure. It's just all rather uncomforable right now.

I know, this is incredibly vague. I am sorry for those reading who do not completely understand. I will probably not be writing for a while. I need to get things back in order, get a grip on myself, my submission and my relationship with M...

Where did the last week go?

Oh, that's right...M had me preoccupied with an experiment of his own. Saturday was my birthday so last week M decided he wanted to try for something. He was incredibly sweet in the fact that I not only received my permanent collar but I was also sent flowers at work. The collar is not traditional in the sense of a collar but it is something I can wear daily to work and outside of our home. It's actually rather unique in the sense that while it's a silver heart, it is quite heavy for a pendent and the latch is spring loaded. I've never seen anything like it but I've got many compliments on it. Simple yet it matches us and our relationship. The flowers was a bouquet of rubrium lilies that filled my office with a wonderful aroma. I was definitely the envy with many of the women hehehe.

But the experiment. Since the beginning of our relationship M and I have worked on orgasm control. After more than a year we've made considerable headway in the area. It took a lot of trust and work but this isn't so much about that. Instead of spankings, He decided I'd have an orgasm for each year. Sounds great right? At first it was and even till the end it was great. As the number rose, so did the fog in my head. I was pushed a lot further in 6 days than he had pushed before. It got to a point where the releases seemed to roll on endlessly. Wearing panties became an issue because of the sensitivity. I somehow managed to keep count but there is a lot about the last week that I just can not really say I remember with clarity. It's just foggy.

Come Saturday night I was riding pretty high...until right after the last one. It was given at the end of the night when M was on his way to bed. I was left sitting up the remainder of the night and honestly, I dropped the minute it was over. There was no slow come down, no call back to reality. He went to bed and brick wall. I'm still feeling that drop. I actually have not had a drop like this in a long while. So long that Sunday my mood was sour and my emotions all over the place. I woke that way and had a hard time placing a name as to why. It actually took until Monday morning to really give a name. That's how foggy and scrambled my mind was.

Sadly, during this time I pulled back and have not really been giving much info to M either. I've found myself snapping at him unreasonably. Not a very good payback for his generosity concerning my birthday I know. All I can say is I'm sorry for that. Not exactly what I wanted, but then I didn't want or expect a drop either.

But...I guess that this week will be cleanup and pushing past that. His birthday is a month away and I need to begin planning. I won't come close to his gift but we'll see...