Just kinda weirded out

Today by all rights should be considered a good day. M and I made a year, my daughter was relatively well behaved, I got my pool cleaned and back up running after the winter season. I cooked dinner, which came out fab-U-lous and then spent a few hours with M.

So...why weirded out right? Not overly sure. Could be the unrest as of late, could be just tired, could be a number of things. I can't really put my finger on it. The last few days something just keeps nagging at me. Have you ever had that feeling of dread or apprehension yet you can't name it or figure out the cause? I get it from time to time and usually I find the source relatively easy. This time, not so much. I'm just feeling uneasy.

I'll find the answer I'm sure, just...sucks sitting in limbo until I do and even worse when I know it will come at the most inopportune time.

Knowing when to hold ‘em or fold ‘em

I know, sounds really pretty corny. But, Kenny Rogers gave some good advice there. In life, we all come across that very thing a lot. There are always cross roads and obstacles and we must all be able to make the decision of holding our course, no matter how bumpy or choosing to go the other direction. We always have a choice, the issue being knowing what decision to make that you can live with.

What is sad is that usually…the choice is never an easy answer and only you can make it. My Sister-in-law has been coming to me for support as of late. Her husband had an affair recently. After a lot of deliberation, they both decided that they do not want to throw away their marriage and would like to try to make it work. I commend the decision but can not say I personally would be able to do so. Since the decision was made, she’s been doing everything in her power to do just that…make it work. On his end though, it has been coming off that he doesn’t want to really put in the effort. She often asks what I would do and I found myself struggling to answer. My opinion is different than hers on the matter so while I want to help, I don’t want to jade her opinion and possible ruin what could very well be something salvagable.

But, after a lot of contemplation and searching…using my own life, my own relationship experience and that of those around me, I had to basically tell her what I discovered. I can not tell her what to do, what choice to make because it would not be my own. You have to figure out where your limit line is, how much you are willing to possibly sacrifice because every choice requires a sacrifice of some kind whether it be something as simple as time or food flavor? What are you willing to accept and what are things you just simply can not agree to? Is staying healthy or are you just doing it out of an unhealthy reason such as masking the pain or fear of being alone? Are you willing to accept failure should it happen?

The list there could go on and on but you get the picture. Decisions are something only you can make, no one else can do it for you. Now, it doesn’t mean we can’t be supportive and be a sounding board. We as friends can even give valuable advice that could aid you in makign your decision. But ultimately, no matter what our answer is, you must remember that it has to be your choice…what YOU can live with.

The other day M made a post on changes. In it he talked about the changes the two of us are dealing with in our lives and his knowledge of us making it through. He's right. We will get through them all and be better for them. It's taken me a few days to really understand and to really believe for myself.

The past week has been an arduous one. There have been changes in our schedules, the ending of the school semester for him and then the offer of a co-op with a company there at home that would basically start his career off on an extremely good foot. That last part was a really good thing, I'm extremely happy for him and so very proud of what he's been able to accomplish. The problem is of course is now having to quickly change lanes from the plans we had been setting to a whole new lane. It will extend his schooling by another 6 months and will of course make things there a little more permanent at least for the next year. It also means him having to set up new living arrangements neither of us had accounted for initially. Just a lot at once and the biggest being the extended separation.

I found myself, while happy for him, extremely scared as to what it would mean for us. I am not by nature a very insecure person. Generally I am pretty confident but with the issues we've had to face to date have taken a toll I guess. Either way, I found myself kind of sinking you could say. Fears began to creep in. The fear that this extension would somehow change his plans for us came to mind first. "What if he gets tired of waiting?" That thought hit me like a brick wall. I love M with everything that I am...but his patience, especially with things he wants, tends to run extremely short. Sure, I know that I am not the cause of him having to wait but let's face it...Our privacy and alone time is already limited. I am not able to serve him as I should so the question of "What if he gets tired of me being unable to serve him because of it?" pops into my head. Like I said...insecurities, a bunch of them.

Insecurities will kill the best of relationships. I've seen it before. But I've been trying to figure out how to best deal with that. How does one overcome that with everything in the way? Trust. Without it, we won't make it. I have to trust in him and his word. I have to trust that he will guide us through this so that we come out better than before. He's in this as much as I am, he knows what we are getting into. I have to trust that he will make the right decisions.

So...that is what I am going to do. I've built up a really good hand with him. I'm going to give myself over to trust, go all in with him and let the cards land where they may. Insecurity may be sitting on something good there across the table but then...for all he knows, I'm sitting here with a royal flush...

Deleted Post

I posted early and for those who missed it I am sorry. I deleted it. After much thinking, I decided that really is not what I wanted to do.

I will not take back what I've said and asked. I was told I need to be open and communicate my thoughts. If I don't, then I get in trouble for "closing myself off" or whatever. I've been pretty forth coming, doing what I've been told to do...be open and share what I am thinking. If it offended...well...be careful what you wish for.

But...I apologize for any confusion the deletion of the post may have caused. Please bear with me while I try to reorganize myself.

Bless the Broken Road

On May 29, 2009, A man whom I considered a very close friend and I were presented with a unique opportunity. He was a budding Dominant and was beginning his exploration into the world of D/s. I was an unattached submissive who’d been traveling that road for 3 years and while some parts were rough, I stayed the course. After endless conversations and contemplation on both parties. I saw intriguing potential, a glimpse into the person he typically tried to hide from everyone else. I wanted to see what he’d become if given the chance to really spread his wings so to speak. He saw a chance to get his feet wet. The fact that we were long distance was weighed but we threw caution to the wind. On the day above, for seperately but equally selfish reasons, I gave my submission to him and he gladly accepted on the basis of trial and error…testing the waters so to speak to see what would come of it all.

The first three months were..interesting to say the least. We both had to adjust to each other. Me to his style of dominance and he to the submissive I was. We spent time learning each other, testing boundry lines and just really getting to know each other on a completely different level then we had before. He proved to be quite natural in his leading, his hand firm and his mind always a few steps ahead of me. His endless knowledge intrigued me, his wit and humor captivated me and I found trusting him was incredibly easy. The trust part of course had come into play well before, something built over time as a friend but now the bounds were strengthening. More importantly I found myself feeling something I said I refused to allow myself to feel again. I was falling head over heels.

Then, reality began to settle back in and life began proving to be a more fickle bitch than it ever had before. Over the course of the next several months our relationship had been put through every test imaginable from the loss of loved ones, financial difficulties, cancellations of plans and…trust issues. During these times I found myself completely in love, looking at him more than just my Master or Dominant. But he did not make it easy. He kept me at arms length, he kept everyone at arms length. He broke my heart more times than I can count during this time yet…there was something holding me there. I found myself unable to walk away. Perhaps it was stupidity, some friends even suggested that very thing but somewhere, in the deepest part of me I could not tear myself away.

Right before the trip in March, I found myself at a pinnacle. I mentally had gone through enough and my heart was raw from my stubborness. After months of waiting, he was finally going to be here. I was excited and scared shitless at the same time. I honestly felt he and I were on the verge of ending…I was considering it heavily but said the vacation was my last ditch effort. Either he’d step up to he plate and be the Dominant I needed and knew he could be or…I’d walk. That very thought broke my heart into a thousand pieces. But, then he arrived. The moment he stepped through the airline gates and smiled at me it was over. I knew without a doubt he was where I was supposed to be. When he hugged me, I was home.

Those few days did turn the tide. For the first time in my whole life, I felt whole. For the first time since I’d started my journey into TTWD, my service and submission made complete sense. There were no questions and I found I did not have to force it, any of it. I found pride in my submission and understood what other submissives had been trying to tell me. Funny thing is though…he found solid footing in his dominance and in his love for me. I can’t speak for his ex’s, but I did see a side of him that I’d never seen in all the while I’d known him. One that, the belief in, had kept me planted to his side despite any of the bad times we’d gone through.

On May 29, 2010 M and I make a solid year. Had you told me a few months ago we’d get this far I would have probably spit in your face and called you a liar. But, we have and I’ve never been more sure that this is where I am meant to be. He has become so much more than just my Master or Dominant. He is my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend and my future Husband. I look back over the very rocky path we’ve had to travel to get here and ya know what? Every step, every broken heart, every sleepless night…it was all worth it. My heart was right in fighting and never giving up. We’ve found something rare and seriously sought after. Everyday he proves to be the Master I knew he was capable of and more. I can only hope that no matter what, my service measures up to that.

Thank you M for being just as stubborn, if not more, for being you and for being selfish enough to want to get your feet wet. God did bless our broken road...

Ups and Downs

Today's been an ok day I'd guess. I've had ups and downs emotionally. It sucks really. BUT!!! I do have some random thoughts to share...

No. 1 - Do NOT watch Lost right before bed when you're dropping. At least not unless you have really good sleep drugs haha. Makes for not so pleasant, messed up dreams.

No. 2 - We know there are people with cameras every where now days. Where the hell were the fashion police when this woman left the house???



I mean really...I won't even go into the surgical procedure needed to remove the shorts.

Out of Sorts

Today on the whole was a good day, well by definition. I got to spend most of it with M, which anymore is a rare treat. I played hookie from work, house was quiet. I got the pleasure of being used twice...which is always a treat. We talked a good bit, including talking about making plans for our next trip.

The first one, while there was not real pushing...it was just him and I enjoying each other, was off. No no, not saying it was bad. Let's face it, M definitely hangs the moon and stars in my sky. No, it was not that. Instead, it was like reaching the outer limits of subspace, being close enough to taste it only to find myself hitting the brick wall of reality right after orgasm. It was weird, had definitely not ever happened before. But with that brick wall of reality came the heavy feelings I usually get during a drop. That sudden fear, the insatiable need to be close enough to him to be inside but with it an inexplicable feeling of depression and lost feeling. He did the usual after care, talking with me until the tears stopped and then some. Reassuring me of his pride in me and while it did help, it did not all go away.

I told him of my neediness and he welcomed it with open arms. He remained close for most of the afternoon and later on, when I told him of my need to be with him again...he complied. He's quite giving, but even then it is also a filling of his own need as well. That time, I reached the beautiful heights of subspace. Only difference? Typically I do not remember my trips there, usually I remember only up to a certain point of our sessions and then the next thing I know, I come to during aftercare. It's like waking up from sleep and having bits and pieces of a dream. It's surreal. But, today I know exactly where I was the whole time and have a clear, vivid memory of it all. That was the first time though that I've ever been used during a drop.

The remainder of my afternoon and evening were spent much in a fog though. I am having trouble putting real thoughts together. It's taken me a good 3 hours to write this. I probably should not be attempting this at all but I needed to get something out. Oh well...hopefully after a good night's sleep I will feel better and a little more put together. I just feel bad...I should be enjoying the aftermath of a good day...not feeling like this :(

Just Be Still

The last couple of weeks have been a little rough. Those of you who read M's blog probably have come to that assumption. Life's been a little less than kind, issues coming from every direction it seems. But...today was probably one of the better days I've had in a while. Not because anything got solved, the plate is still more than full. But, I heard a song and it put a lot into perspective for me. I am not really one for country music but for some odd reason I was flipping through channels and stopped on one of the country stations here. Not really sure why, perhaps it was something higher doing the guidance but a song started and I found myself smiling. The song is called "Still" by Tim McGraw. I found the lyrics pretty profound.



We all know the stress of life. Jobs, Family, House, Bills, Kids...you name it, we all have them. That is just the normal side of life. Throw on the responsibilities of not just a relationship, but a D/s or TPE relationship and the pressure doubles. As a Dominant, you have all of that and then another life or whole person you are responsible for. For a Submissive, it's the same. You have all of those things and make sure it doesn't affect your service to your Dominant. Sure, any Dom will say all of that other stuff is worried about by me so no need for you to worry. But, if you are in a committed relationship...you both worry. It's the nature of the beast and part of being an adult.So we worry, run around trying to be superheros and tend to everything. But often, in our haste to tend to the needs and wants, we forget the need to just be still. To take the time to find that one happy place and recharge.

So, this evening I did just that. After my shower, I sat down with no real intentions of meditation but I let my mind find it's happy place. As a submissive, it was the last night of M and I's trip down in the city. The room was dark and we were in bed right before sleep and just talked. At the time, I remember thinking that very spot, curled up against his side, our legs intertwined and my head on his chest...there wasn't a view or place that could rival it. It was home and so very much more. But more importantly, for once during our trip...we were still.

I looked back at the clock and realized I had sat there for an hour. A WHOLE HOUR! Absolutely crazy I tell ya. But the cool thing about it? I felt calm, at peace for the first time in weeks...really for the first time since he boarded the plane to go back. Sure, I still have every last one of my issues to deal with on my plate but I've got a fork and knife now. It's just a matter of cutting it up and set about clearing my plate. And if I come to a point where it starts to overwhelm me again...I will just take another moment to just be still...

To be Romantic or Not be? That is the Question

"Many vanilla people are surprised to learn that S/M includes erotic spanks, scratches, and bites, which are amazingly common forms of erotic expression. They are also surprised to find out that S/M practitioners can fall in love, and that they enjoy conventional sex acts such as oral sex and intercourse."
~ Laura Goodwin of United Leatherfolk Of CT

The other day M and I ventured into a conversation on relationships and the topic of Romance came up. He made an apology to me for not being a very romantic person. That took me a little by surprise but it also got me to thinking. The quote above came to mind. At first I internally questioned why it would be such a shock, I mean outside of the normal “Well what’s romantic about whips, chains, floggers, rope??” But in essence, for many in TTWD…that’s it.

In normal, vanilla relationships we’ve all done the typical things. Candle light dinners, picnic in the park, perhaps rose petals in a bathtub with Barry White playing on the stereo. Whatever. But then, take our relationships. When viewed by the outside world, we already know we are stereo-typed. We could never do regular vanilla things. But the point is…we do. We all live normal lives, we venture out into society, we date, we get married, have children…you get the picture. So why would we not do romance as well?

My point of view, when looking at the world M and I are building for ourselves, we have all the vanilla aspects just as we do kink. Probably even more so than some others. We are starting out already with a child living in the home. So things will tend to run more on the “normal” or vanilla side of things until bed time. Before 9 PM, we are just M and J. Sure I will still call him Sir and will do my wifely/Submissive duties of serving his dinner, cleaning our home and making sure he has what he needs but there really will not be any “High Protocol” until after Ding is in bed.

But even still, we do the normal things such as cuddling on the couch or lay in bed and watch movies together. We still take showers together when we are able to do so. He still opens the door for me. Just our idea of romance doesn’t exactly run “Vanilla.” While it’s entirely possible to come home to find Ding out of the house for the night, a nice dinner planned out at a quiet restaurant only to return home to a candle lit bedroom and a nice hot drawn bath…sounds vanilla I know but that is where the “other side comes in. Ding is out of the house so we have the freedom to scene without having to wait for her bedtime or worry about her waking. The bath is so that I can ritualistically bathe us both before we play and the candles…well…who doesn’t like a little wax play? Hehe.

You get the picture, but it all boils down to the fact that we do indeed enjoy romance as much as our vanilla counterparts…just our view of romance is a little unskewed when in comparison. As with everything in TTWD, it is all a matter of perception.

Life's Lessons

Sometimes, whether we’d like to admit it or not, life gets in the way of our goals but for very good reasons. It’s all about teaching us lessons. We know through life, we learn a lot. I know me personally I learn something knew every day and it always comes from the major stresses that pop up.

Right now, I honestly believe I am being taught patience and appreciation. M and I have been busy making plans. Some are more generalized and some are very specific. The main one being that of starting a life and family together. We’ve been shown before that good things come to those who wait. We went through hell our first 8 months where life and other forces just kept getting in the way. Finally, without a hitch, he and I were together but it was then that we both came to realize what we both so truly wanted. We found a connection and love neither had anticipated and I for one can say I did not even think existed.

After that, we both thought we had taken the lesson learned then and we decided to push fate’s hand and rush. Well life has gotten in the way once again, proving that no matter how much we push…it all comes down to it’s own timing. So, we are both having to learn to cool our heels and enjoy the road that fate has set us upon. It’s all a check and balance act. If we all choose to really listen to life, we’d come to see that every hiccup no matter how big or small is a lesson to be learned.

I know that we are not wrong in our wants or where we are trying to get to. Life or Fate has done some pretty remarkable things to get the two of us where we are. It put us together in the same place so that we’d meet, it saw to it that we both desired, in one fashion or another, the same thing, it stayed our hands when obstacles popped up between us and held us together, it quickly mended broken hearts and hurt feelings caused by each other so that we would not so foolishly walk away.

Needless to say, Life has spoken pretty loudly about where I am meant to be. Now, I have to listen a little closer to find out how it plans for us to get there. But in the mean time, I get to enjoy the growing amount of appreciation I have for M and his presence in my life. I get to enjoy the feel of growing love that creates a new bloom on our rose bush. Small things that we tend to take for granted or forget years down the line in a relationship. Maybe, just Maybe, that is Life getting in the way so that neither of us take it for granted later….