Have you ever....?

Have you ever had one of those days where no matter what you do or say it just all comes out wrong? Like everything you say or do hurts someone's feelings or you find yourself getting into trouble? Perhaps no one even takes offense but you still feel like after it's out of your mouth you instantly regret saying anything?

It's been one of those months for me it seems. It started at the beginning of the month and just gets worse. I've gotten into little tiffs with M, often regretting opening my mouth. No matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough (And no, he has never told me that. It's just my "perception"...the way I feel).

Right now, we are in the midst of planning my moving there and dealing with all that comes with that. Sadly, with that we have to deal with my ex and custody issues. I will be taking my daughter to another state. My ex, while he was a crappy husband is a great father and loves our daughter emmensely. I understand his resistance to allowing me to take her. He's thrown every road block up so far that he can...it's tiresome. But while I do understand, it doesn't make it any more acceptable. So, we are locked in a custody issue. Just one more problem and expense that both M and I could live without. What is getting to me is the fact that it's been that way for M and I since the get go. My ex has put up road blocks on M even being in the same house with Ding. It's just been one issue after another. And in that lies where part of my issue comes in.

Nothing has come easy for M and I, this only furthers that. In my head though, I begin to doubt myself. I begin to "make decisions" and label this as something M shouldn't have to deal with. I am coming with a lot of baggage, those previously married with kids usually do. I often find myself torn. I get scared that M will one day just decide it's not worth the hassle. Or that he'll just decide to stop because it isn't being done on his time table. Ultimately I know that this isn't his battle, it isn't a burden he should have to bear. Yes...I understand he made a decision and honestly, he's been awesome. He pays attention and calls my daughter when he doesn't have to. He takes an interest in her schooling, extra-curricular activities, TV shows, likes and dislikes. He carries her pictures with him on his phone. I could not have chosen a better rolemodel and person to fill the shoes of step dad. With Ding it's a tall order but then he's a tall guy and luckily my daughter is about as smitten with him as I am.

Then I flip sides and sometimes find myself being incredibly selfish, wishing that the Ex was so not involved. But that isn't really in Ding's best interest. She loves her father and he loves her just as much. He's incredibly active in her life as he should be and their relationship is very tight. No, I know that him being less involved isn't really the answer either. It's just a lot of inner turmoil. Neither ways of thinking are fair to M, Ding or myself. But none the less it's been a point of a lot of stress.

Through it, M has time and time again reaffirmed my faith in chosing him as not only my soon to be husband but also my Master. He's done a wonderful job of supporting and has been ahead of me where my needs are concerned. Even going as far as giving me a task to keep my mind off of the turmoil for a bit. I could not have thanked him enough when he gave it to me. Sadly though...while my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts of how best to fulfill the task and have him proud, it's become a little overwhelming too. It is a task that requires a lot of emotion and thought, digging within myself for answers to a simple question. I won't go into much detail but...I've been digging a little too deep I think. I've suddenly found myself, while more in touch with my feelings for him and where we are headed, I feel incredibly exposed right now, vulnerable even.

Oh well. It will all work out in the wash. I just need to pay more attention to my mouth, being more mindful of what I do and don't say...basically filter myself. And I also need to be a little more careful with how much I allow myself to dig without him here.