Some people laugh when you say the word. They think it sounds so corny. And I guess for those that don’t really understand the word or it’s meaning in a relationship, it is corny. But it really is a key element, an important part of a relationship…any relationship.
In my previous marriage. I was married to a man who didn’t want sex at all. I guess I was lucky if I could convince him to have sex a whole 2 times a year. Yea…I bought stock in Duracell AND energizer lol. Then, if I was to convince him…I’d better be less than vanilla. It had to be past 10 o’clock at night, with the lights off and same position. Inspiring I know. I know this because I tried everything else in the book. I owned more costumes than the local costume shop ranging from nurse to maid to stripper to librarian to…well, that list could go on. If I thought a guy could possibly get turned on by it, I tried it. Each time I was pretty much met with the attitude and words of “Why are you dressed like that? It isn’t Halloween.” Then, tried the whole naked Betty Crocker thing. That went over so well and earned me the stern lecture of “We do NOT sit naked at the dinner table and NO, you can go get dressed before thinking to sit down and eat with me.” Seriously, it was a real Charlie Sheen type of WINNING situation. To top off the lack of any sexual intimacy, there really wasn’t any other type either. We didn’t hold hands, no random kisses, no touching what so ever unless it was to pass each other in the hall or kitchen…so the accidental kind.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great friend and an awesome father. My daughter is incredibly lucky to have a Dad like him. Raising her is where he and I do see eye to eye. As for the other aspects of his personality, he really is pretty cool. Extremely funny, can be fun loving, responsible, very well mannered and respectful. I knew without a doubt he’d never once raise a hand to hit me but sadly, he didn’t know hitting could come in a good form lol. He was an awesome cook and was so extremely helpful around the house. We both equally pulled our weight. But the fall out and destruction of our marriage came because in the end, I didn’t want to spend my life sexless and unhappy. Call me shallow but I was living with a roommate I just happened to be legally attached to. Nothing more. He was a friend, not anywhere near being a husband. There was no passion, in any form.
But it was not until recently that I began to figure out that sex and passion are 2 TOTALLY different things. You can want sex, even be involved in an active sexual relationship yet there not really be any passion. Sex is just what it is. It’s an urge, an instinct. We all want it at some point. But passion…passion is stronger, needier…very much spawned from being deeply in love or serious lust with someone.
pas·sion
n.
1. A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.
2.a. Ardent love.
b. Strong sexual desire; lust.
c. The object of such love or desire.
3. a. Boundless enthusiasm: His skills as a player don't quite match his passion for the game.
b. The object of such enthusiasm: Soccer is her passion.
4. An abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger: He's been known to fly into a passion without warning.
5. Passion
a. The sufferings of Jesus in the period following the Last Supper and including the Crucifixion, as related in the New
Testament.
b. A narrative, musical setting, or pictorial representation of Jesus’ sufferings.
6. Archaic Martyrdom.
7. Archaic Passivity.
In the end, it is what spurs our fantasies about the person your with. It’s what drives you to do things during sex, you had never considered before. And in TTWD, passion plays a major part in our sexual lives. How can a submissive fulfill her Master’s desires (and I say her, not in offense to male subs…just me being female.) if she is not part of his fantasies? How can a Master inspire his submissive if there is no passion?
It’s not an easy thing to keep alive either. It takes work on BOTH ends. I’ve learned that too recently. What happens if you’re the only one ever leaving dirty notes or sending texts? What if you’re the only one willing to be explicit? What if you’re the only one asking for a scene or to be pushed (in the case of a sub)? What if the response you get to any of it is “I want you too baby” ? Well, for me…I want a candy bar too but doesn’t mean I have any sort of passion for said candy bar. It goes back to the difference between sex and passion. You can want sex till the cows come home but it doesn’t exactly say you’re passionate about me. In the end, without that passion or desire reciprocated, much like in the instance with my ex, it becomes a moot point. You lose that passion for the one you’re with. Not because you want to…but because you can’t carry that torch alone. It's kind of like the saying goes "Use it or lose it." As much as I hate to say it...it's true.
Saying "I love you" just isn't enough sometimes. Saying "I want you" isn't enough sometimes. Sometimes you have to prove it. And it very well may require you drop your sense of "propriety" or your modesty and say the dirty little things you only whisper when your masturbating or do the dirty little things you have brewing in your head. And...if clothing gets ripped...well...that's what clothing stores are for. Either way, show the one you're with that you're passionate about them. Not that you just want to fuck their brains out...that they inspire you to do just that. Sex can be found with anyone...but passion, that's what makes it memorable. It's what makes it lasting.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Shadow Attacks
Over the last several weeks, no matter where I go whether it be fellow bloggers that I follow or on FET Life, I keep seeing the same thing. Unwarranted attacks by Anonymous. I've sat down here at my desk many times to write on it but I always end up with the same thing. I sink to this shadow's level, in essence arguing needlessly a case for TTWD. I always end up deleting everything I've written because let's face it, so many of us are doing just that only to end up with a seemingly never ending string of comments that go back and forth getting us all no where. Knowing anything that I've started up until now would only be said in anger and sure, it may make a point, it would still just be more fuel for this Shadow's argument. But...today, I think it's time for a change.
A lot of what we do in this lifestyle is controversial at best. It goes against the very grain of what society "preaches" where women are concerned. We do things in our private spaces that can sometimes be admittedly risky. Outsiders see us as perverts and freaks. We get it, we know it and it's time some in our lifestyle just accept that we probably won't be changing the world anytime soon. Sure, we should educate the dumb but in the end, as long as it's a choice we made to be here, it's only our opinions of our own lives that matter. Sadly, we still live in a world full of prejudices and the over-opinionated have seriously outnumbered the more well mannered.
Today, we exist in a world where secrets, especially dirty ones are hard to keep. Television and the world wide web has given everyone the power to have knowledge of almost anything at our fingertips. So, people are exposed to more. A lifestyle that was never really meant for the main stream has suddenly found itself outed among the common population. In some ways it's good, because we no longer have to live in solitude in our closets and finding other like minded people has become easier. We are able to build our networking communities for educating and supporting the interested and practicing members alike. But sadly, there seems to be just as much bad with it because we are now open to the close-minded as well. It's a facet we sadly have to accept as reality. If we choose to have blogs and live somewhat open, then we have to take the bad that comes with that decision as well.
BUT! By the same token, just like with any prejudice or racial oppression, we do not deserve it either. The common theme to Anonymous' comments generally all run the same. The Dominants/Masters/Mistresses are horrible, abusive people and us submissives are scared, brainwashed lambs who are stuck in an archaic and abusive relationship...and we all need mental help. My question is, on what basis is this ASSUMPTION made Anonymous? What medical fact? Do you have documented proof that this is what it is? If so, PLEASE feel free to share. More over, please feel free to share your doctorate in psychology as well. In the end, instead of spewing unchecked and untested rhetoric, give us something to chew on. You'll actually find we're all quite educated and TTWD stretches further than you think.
In my research to "base" your argument on, I came across something I felt needs to be shared. It's controversial sure but then one of the points you've made is that we are "setting things back for women a million years." It's called Sex-Positive Feminism. It basically centered on the woman's right to choose her sexuality and oppose the forces that be that try to censor and demean it. Something you, Anonymous, need to realize is that in the end, it is OUR choice. You CHOOSE to be vanilla. And that's cool, no one in this lifestyle will tell you that this is for everyone. It very much is not. But, by the same token, we've chosen to walk this path and for us it is very rewarding.
Let me put it this way. You may look at life and decide "In order for me to be happy I have to have...." A house, a car, a boat, wheat bread only, parkay over real butter...whatever...you get the point I am sure. For us, we do what we do because we've deemed this is what will make us happy. It can't be called abuse if we are asking to get a spanking. We can't be called stupid, dumb, deaf or blind because most of us go through pain staking efforts to make sure we are well educated in the lifestyle. It's like a saying one of my best friends tell me all the time "You can't rape the willing." It comes down to consent and everything we do and practice is consensual.
Sure, we can all admit that abuse happens. Some of us have even been in abusive relationships as well as some of us are survivors of rape. Key word there is SOME, not all. But we ALL (Those that are serious about the lifestyle we've chosen) take our responsibility of our partner's welfare seriously. Hell, if truth be told...I'm a submissive and my Dominant could probably say I'm the abusive one. I know there are times I tax him emotionally. There are times when I've taxed him physically...call me a nympho, he likes it and nurtures that me. That pretty much blows your abuse theory out of the water.
So...before you go blasting others, educate yourself. Use manners as well. We're civilized people and you know what? We're actually pretty cool people if you'd take the time to talk to us. You don't have to agree, hell some of us welcome the challenge of a difference of opinion. But...stop wasting your time and ours with your close-minded, off handed and uneducated arguments. We have better things to do...like have a life. And for those in the lifestyle...don't give into the temptation of hate that people like this cause. Most of us monitor our comments, use it. It's a great feature and if a comment comes through that serves no real purpose or response to your post...delete it and move on. We've got bigger fish to fry.
A lot of what we do in this lifestyle is controversial at best. It goes against the very grain of what society "preaches" where women are concerned. We do things in our private spaces that can sometimes be admittedly risky. Outsiders see us as perverts and freaks. We get it, we know it and it's time some in our lifestyle just accept that we probably won't be changing the world anytime soon. Sure, we should educate the dumb but in the end, as long as it's a choice we made to be here, it's only our opinions of our own lives that matter. Sadly, we still live in a world full of prejudices and the over-opinionated have seriously outnumbered the more well mannered.
Today, we exist in a world where secrets, especially dirty ones are hard to keep. Television and the world wide web has given everyone the power to have knowledge of almost anything at our fingertips. So, people are exposed to more. A lifestyle that was never really meant for the main stream has suddenly found itself outed among the common population. In some ways it's good, because we no longer have to live in solitude in our closets and finding other like minded people has become easier. We are able to build our networking communities for educating and supporting the interested and practicing members alike. But sadly, there seems to be just as much bad with it because we are now open to the close-minded as well. It's a facet we sadly have to accept as reality. If we choose to have blogs and live somewhat open, then we have to take the bad that comes with that decision as well.
BUT! By the same token, just like with any prejudice or racial oppression, we do not deserve it either. The common theme to Anonymous' comments generally all run the same. The Dominants/Masters/Mistresses are horrible, abusive people and us submissives are scared, brainwashed lambs who are stuck in an archaic and abusive relationship...and we all need mental help. My question is, on what basis is this ASSUMPTION made Anonymous? What medical fact? Do you have documented proof that this is what it is? If so, PLEASE feel free to share. More over, please feel free to share your doctorate in psychology as well. In the end, instead of spewing unchecked and untested rhetoric, give us something to chew on. You'll actually find we're all quite educated and TTWD stretches further than you think.
In my research to "base" your argument on, I came across something I felt needs to be shared. It's controversial sure but then one of the points you've made is that we are "setting things back for women a million years." It's called Sex-Positive Feminism. It basically centered on the woman's right to choose her sexuality and oppose the forces that be that try to censor and demean it. Something you, Anonymous, need to realize is that in the end, it is OUR choice. You CHOOSE to be vanilla. And that's cool, no one in this lifestyle will tell you that this is for everyone. It very much is not. But, by the same token, we've chosen to walk this path and for us it is very rewarding.
Let me put it this way. You may look at life and decide "In order for me to be happy I have to have...." A house, a car, a boat, wheat bread only, parkay over real butter...whatever...you get the point I am sure. For us, we do what we do because we've deemed this is what will make us happy. It can't be called abuse if we are asking to get a spanking. We can't be called stupid, dumb, deaf or blind because most of us go through pain staking efforts to make sure we are well educated in the lifestyle. It's like a saying one of my best friends tell me all the time "You can't rape the willing." It comes down to consent and everything we do and practice is consensual.
Sure, we can all admit that abuse happens. Some of us have even been in abusive relationships as well as some of us are survivors of rape. Key word there is SOME, not all. But we ALL (Those that are serious about the lifestyle we've chosen) take our responsibility of our partner's welfare seriously. Hell, if truth be told...I'm a submissive and my Dominant could probably say I'm the abusive one. I know there are times I tax him emotionally. There are times when I've taxed him physically...call me a nympho, he likes it and nurtures that me. That pretty much blows your abuse theory out of the water.
So...before you go blasting others, educate yourself. Use manners as well. We're civilized people and you know what? We're actually pretty cool people if you'd take the time to talk to us. You don't have to agree, hell some of us welcome the challenge of a difference of opinion. But...stop wasting your time and ours with your close-minded, off handed and uneducated arguments. We have better things to do...like have a life. And for those in the lifestyle...don't give into the temptation of hate that people like this cause. Most of us monitor our comments, use it. It's a great feature and if a comment comes through that serves no real purpose or response to your post...delete it and move on. We've got bigger fish to fry.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Tired
Thank god it's Friday. Another day in the week and I'd scream. To be honest, after the last couple of weeks I'm just...tired, exhausted both mentally and physically. My insomnia has not been very well behaved. Then there's just been too much on my mind. So...I'm tired, tired of not sleeping, tired of all the stuff in my head, tired of not being able to shut my mind off...just...tired.
Then, throw being aggravated on top of being tired. I read somewhere though that lack of sleep would exascerbate the problem. Well...if the stuff that keeps aggravating me would take a break or go away, then I could sleep and thus...not be tired. Right? I'm not that lucky. So, I am stuck in that vicious cycle. I'm aggravated by a few things going on in my life right now which leads to too much thinking. Too much thinking mixed with my insomnia makes for a serious lack of sleep. According to studies, the lack of sleep in females lead to more aggravation so instead of catching a break somewhere in all of this it only gets worse.
I dunno. I just want a happy, normal day. I've woken up in a good mood the last two mornings, have told myself that no matter what I will have a good day. Then...reality, broken promises, lack of effort and crappy work place sneak in to bitch slap me and say "I dooooon't think so hooka! I make the rules now suffa!"
Scary thing is...I totally just heard a voice in my head saying that. Perhaps lack of sleep is leading to delusions too. I would guess so, I've been delusional in thinking there'd be changes for the better. I'm delusional every night when I lay down to go to sleep and tell myself that tonight will be the night...then 3 hours later I look at the clock for the millionth time and feel like crying because in 4 hours I have to be back up.
Sorry for the rant. Just had to get that little shot of bitchiness off my chest. I have a long evening ahead with my daughter, my 5 yr old neice and my 3 yr old neice running amuck in my home tonight. *Prays that God keeps her from totally going crazy* I am hoping it's enough to keep me busy and wear me out so that I like pass out lol
Happy Father's Day early to all of you Dads and Daddys out there!
Then, throw being aggravated on top of being tired. I read somewhere though that lack of sleep would exascerbate the problem. Well...if the stuff that keeps aggravating me would take a break or go away, then I could sleep and thus...not be tired. Right? I'm not that lucky. So, I am stuck in that vicious cycle. I'm aggravated by a few things going on in my life right now which leads to too much thinking. Too much thinking mixed with my insomnia makes for a serious lack of sleep. According to studies, the lack of sleep in females lead to more aggravation so instead of catching a break somewhere in all of this it only gets worse.
I dunno. I just want a happy, normal day. I've woken up in a good mood the last two mornings, have told myself that no matter what I will have a good day. Then...reality, broken promises, lack of effort and crappy work place sneak in to bitch slap me and say "I dooooon't think so hooka! I make the rules now suffa!"
Scary thing is...I totally just heard a voice in my head saying that. Perhaps lack of sleep is leading to delusions too. I would guess so, I've been delusional in thinking there'd be changes for the better. I'm delusional every night when I lay down to go to sleep and tell myself that tonight will be the night...then 3 hours later I look at the clock for the millionth time and feel like crying because in 4 hours I have to be back up.
Sorry for the rant. Just had to get that little shot of bitchiness off my chest. I have a long evening ahead with my daughter, my 5 yr old neice and my 3 yr old neice running amuck in my home tonight. *Prays that God keeps her from totally going crazy* I am hoping it's enough to keep me busy and wear me out so that I like pass out lol
Happy Father's Day early to all of you Dads and Daddys out there!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Importance of Educating Yourself
Education, it’s something we are all overly familiar with. We begin learning from day one. Our parents guide us, teaching us how to walk, talk, manners, pray…Virtually everything. Then at the age of 5, 4 for some of us, they send us to school so we can learn to read, write, add, subtract, etc. Then later we move on to college, trade school, whatever. Even after than, we continue to read and learn new things. Some of us even take classes to learn something new like crochet or cake baking. There are even parenting classes. The point is learning and education never stop. It’s in our nature to constantly obtain new information, new ways of doing things or perhaps something we never did or thought of before. Our brains are like sponges, constantly thirsting for more stuff to absorb.
Now, the sad fact is there are a LOT of people out there that seem to be afflicted with the “I know it all” disease that strikes us all when we are teenagers. Thankfully for some of us, we outgrow the disease and continue on our way. For some, it settles in a little too deep, preventing them from growing up and becoming adults in the real world. Another sad fact is there are some out there that are just too lazy to put forth the effort. Again, thankfully there are some of us that realize anything in life takes work…even breathing.
Something I’ve found common in the misinformed and/or uneducated is Ego. I’ve met some who would rather cut off a limb then willingly admit that they can’t do or don’t know how to do something. Their Ego won’t allow it and even worse, it convinces them to lie saying that they do. Why? To who’s benefit? You would not build a house and sell it if you knew nothing about building houses. You could get sued. You wouldn’t go Bungee jumping by yourself if you knew nothing about it, you could get killed. You wouldn’t go waltzing into a hospital and start performing surgeries, you could get arrested. You wouldn’t just go and lead a troop into a battle, you’d get yourself and everyone with you killed…and probably end up in Leavenworth Prison lol.
All of those things involve huge risks so you best have the proper education. News Flash…so does TTWD. The “I know everything” disease, Over swelled Egos and Laziness have no place in our lifestyle. The lack of education and learning can lead to emotional and physical pain and scaring…and yes, even death when you think about it. Many of us include kink or bdsm play into our lifestyle and R.A.C.K. (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or SSC(Safe. Sane and Consensual) exist for a reason. We have community groups, classes, websites and books to educate us so that we are all aware of the risks and can make the proper decisions to hopefully avoid those emotional and physical scars...and possibly worse.
Think about it, if you have not learned to lead/control yourself or respect others then how can you properly and safely lead a submissive. And that would apply to a submissive as well. You have to have self control and respect for yourself and others in order to follow. Either could lead to serious emotional distresses and hurt. If you’ve never used or have been taught how to use many of the toys commonly used in play…whips, floggers, tens units, hot wax, canes, etc. then you really have no business using them because it could lead to serious physical injury.
The scary thing is, even still today with so many resources available to us now, you still hear of submissives falling into traps with someone calling themselves a “Dom” or “Domme” as an excuse to abuse. You still hear of people getting hurt using equipment they know nothing about. The lack of educating yourself whether submissive or Dominant is, in my opinion, inexcusable now days. Sure, we all make mistakes and yep…even the most knowledgeable people can get carried away. It happens. But it shouldn’t happen because “You didn’t know” or “Haven’t learned any better.” Read, take classes, get in contact with your local groups, seek the advice of other Dominants and/or submissives (There are so many out there willing to help and can offer advice on TTWD). Educate yourself and remember as with anything in life…it very much does require constant learning, trial and error.
Now, the sad fact is there are a LOT of people out there that seem to be afflicted with the “I know it all” disease that strikes us all when we are teenagers. Thankfully for some of us, we outgrow the disease and continue on our way. For some, it settles in a little too deep, preventing them from growing up and becoming adults in the real world. Another sad fact is there are some out there that are just too lazy to put forth the effort. Again, thankfully there are some of us that realize anything in life takes work…even breathing.
Something I’ve found common in the misinformed and/or uneducated is Ego. I’ve met some who would rather cut off a limb then willingly admit that they can’t do or don’t know how to do something. Their Ego won’t allow it and even worse, it convinces them to lie saying that they do. Why? To who’s benefit? You would not build a house and sell it if you knew nothing about building houses. You could get sued. You wouldn’t go Bungee jumping by yourself if you knew nothing about it, you could get killed. You wouldn’t go waltzing into a hospital and start performing surgeries, you could get arrested. You wouldn’t just go and lead a troop into a battle, you’d get yourself and everyone with you killed…and probably end up in Leavenworth Prison lol.
All of those things involve huge risks so you best have the proper education. News Flash…so does TTWD. The “I know everything” disease, Over swelled Egos and Laziness have no place in our lifestyle. The lack of education and learning can lead to emotional and physical pain and scaring…and yes, even death when you think about it. Many of us include kink or bdsm play into our lifestyle and R.A.C.K. (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or SSC(Safe. Sane and Consensual) exist for a reason. We have community groups, classes, websites and books to educate us so that we are all aware of the risks and can make the proper decisions to hopefully avoid those emotional and physical scars...and possibly worse.
Think about it, if you have not learned to lead/control yourself or respect others then how can you properly and safely lead a submissive. And that would apply to a submissive as well. You have to have self control and respect for yourself and others in order to follow. Either could lead to serious emotional distresses and hurt. If you’ve never used or have been taught how to use many of the toys commonly used in play…whips, floggers, tens units, hot wax, canes, etc. then you really have no business using them because it could lead to serious physical injury.
The scary thing is, even still today with so many resources available to us now, you still hear of submissives falling into traps with someone calling themselves a “Dom” or “Domme” as an excuse to abuse. You still hear of people getting hurt using equipment they know nothing about. The lack of educating yourself whether submissive or Dominant is, in my opinion, inexcusable now days. Sure, we all make mistakes and yep…even the most knowledgeable people can get carried away. It happens. But it shouldn’t happen because “You didn’t know” or “Haven’t learned any better.” Read, take classes, get in contact with your local groups, seek the advice of other Dominants and/or submissives (There are so many out there willing to help and can offer advice on TTWD). Educate yourself and remember as with anything in life…it very much does require constant learning, trial and error.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Silence
Sometimes silence is needed but there are other times that the very silence you seek is deafening. Perhaps it's because of the world we live in today. Everything is hustle and bustle, there really is never a quiet time. No matter where you live anymore, there is always some sort of noise. Firetrucks, car horns, traffic on the main road, police cars, neighbors...the list could go on. We adjust ourselves to those noises and they become habit. It's like sleeping with a fan or Window unit air conditioner. You just adjust. But then, you go somewhere else, say on vacation. You're in the middle of no where and there is complete silence. At first, it's nice. You smile and think to yourself "Wow...this is sooo peaceful and I am so going to sleep like a log."
But, if you're anything like me. Silence provides too much time to think. Silence leaves you in your own head to think, day dream, analyze, etc. It gives us time for our minds to go for a ride on its own. The silence becomes filled with thoughts, musings, memories. But too often, it is filled with words left unsaid. So much so that it begins to scream louder than any noise we are accustomed to. And it's in those deafening moments that the worst of thoughts, ideas, assumptions and plans are born. That scream without sound often will push us to say things we wouldn't say otherwise.
And sadly, sometimes those words that emerge from the silence are words that were better left unsaid...silent. I'm dealing with silence today and can not say whether it's good or bad. It comes on the tail end of an argument that was in a way spurred from the very deafening silence I spoke about. It's a double edged sword that has left me feeling...out of sorts and I am not quite sure how to resolve it.
But, this is really the song that's been playing in my head all day. Too fitting for my taste.
But, if you're anything like me. Silence provides too much time to think. Silence leaves you in your own head to think, day dream, analyze, etc. It gives us time for our minds to go for a ride on its own. The silence becomes filled with thoughts, musings, memories. But too often, it is filled with words left unsaid. So much so that it begins to scream louder than any noise we are accustomed to. And it's in those deafening moments that the worst of thoughts, ideas, assumptions and plans are born. That scream without sound often will push us to say things we wouldn't say otherwise.
And sadly, sometimes those words that emerge from the silence are words that were better left unsaid...silent. I'm dealing with silence today and can not say whether it's good or bad. It comes on the tail end of an argument that was in a way spurred from the very deafening silence I spoke about. It's a double edged sword that has left me feeling...out of sorts and I am not quite sure how to resolve it.
But, this is really the song that's been playing in my head all day. Too fitting for my taste.
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