Any other time I would absolutely love the rain. I always have…rainy days at home all curled up on the couch watching scary movies or just reading. Oooh or thunderstorms at night…I am guaranteed to sleep like a baby. But we’re working on two weeks now with rain every day here and it’s starting to just become a nuisance. There is too much of a good thing.
Sadly though the dreary rain echoes my sentiments right now. I am preparing for one trip to visit family out west, I should be happy about that. When I come back, I will be packing and getting on a plane that will finally bring me back to M’s side. I am excited about that. But…Mother nature is not being overly nice to me. The doctor put me on a new birth control, Loestrin 24fe. Let me be one of the apparent dozen million women all complaining about this pill. It was clearly invented by the devil. I’m tired as hell on it, the mood swings have not been too atrocious, I am having horrible BTB and now my cycle is all screwed up. Just so not a happy camper and not really getting any definitive answers from the Doctor as to what I should do. He could move me to another pill but that could worsen the side affects. I could just stop but he worries that will mess things up even more. Only good news from this pill so far…I’ve lost weight but then bouts of nausea keep me from wanting to eat at all.
But, between the rain, hormone shifts and my sudden detest for mother nature…I find myself feeling a little melancholy. I’m also having trouble staying focused on much of anything. My work is barely getting done because my mind keeps wandering off to this place and that. Just ready for it to be two weeks from today. I’m praying these stupid pills equal out by then and that mother nature decides to cooperate with me for once. We shall see though.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Uncomfortable silence
It happens to the best of relationships at some point. We run out of things to say or life in general gets hectic and we just get busy taking care of them that when we come back to ground zero…we sit there unsure of what to say or just avoid conversation for the sake of just not talking about the issues that have popped up because of said hectic schedule. Whatever the reason each may have, we sit there, together but sometimes not really mentally there. We’ve been together long enough to read each other like open books. We know there is something on the other’s mind yet...we just let it pass. Sure, we may ask what is wrong or offer a penny for their thoughts but we don’t push, afraid to pry. They do the same exact thing. Over time, letting it ride that way, we become complacent or just used to the uncomfortable silence. We begin to delude ourselves that the issues are done with because there is no arguing about it, not even a mention of them. We allow ourselves to be ignorant of the infection that is festering beneath the surface, an infection resulting from the uncomfortable silence. We ride along our path, enjoying the wind in our face, seemingly concern or worry free until a bug hits the windshield and we take off the sunglasses we had put on.
One of us feels a pull and that feeling creeps up, that sick and morose feeling of dread. The reality and awareness of the infection comes rushing back and it hits us where it hurts the most…our heart. We begin analyzing everything, every cover up, our actions, the other’s actions. We begin blaming ourselves, that blame turns to regret or resentment that the other had not thought enough to see and point it out. We try putting out little hints, still afraid to push too hard for fear of what will happen if the bubble bursts. Perhaps the hints go unheeded or perhaps it’s blissfully ignored. Not so much intentionally, just a matter of preservation of self and the relationship. When it isn’t handled, we withdraw. Instead of realizing that the other just has not had reality hit them, we take it for lack of concern or worse. Anger begins to build, anger at ourselves and anger at our significant other. It all starts to wrap in on itself, a vicious cycle that could very well be spelling out the doom of what both of you have worked so hard to build and preserve. If you’re a submissive, you begin scrambling, trying to sort out the sudden rush of thoughts and emotion, doing what you can to correct the situation. If you’re the Dom, you probably begin to second guess not only the sub but perhaps yourself as well. You analyze the fact you let it get so far and now with the loss of control to a point you feel it is futile.
The question is…why do any of us settle for this? Why do we allow it to happen? Me personally…well, I am still trying to figure that out. It seems to be a continual thing, a mistake made over and over again in lives all around me…including my own. I mean, I could spout off a thousand reasons as to why it happens to M and I from time to time. But in the end, not one of them is excusable for either of us allowing the break down in communication, to allow it to progress far enough to destroy the foundation that was precariously laid in the first place. When I first began my journey into D/s, I found what seemed to be endless articles on communication and it’s importance. During the failing of my marriage I had found an equal number in vanilla research. Communication and Trust. Vanilla or Baskin Robins….doesn’t matter your path. A relationship MUST be built on this. I couldn’t figure out why so much on it but as time goes on, I honestly see why. Us humans are fickle creatures. We forget so easily the fundamental basics on almost everything, it gets lost in the sea of all the other stuff we must remember. So THAT is why there are so many resources out there saying the same thing. Because we need a daily reminder that no matter how long you’ve been together, 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades…Communication, Communication, Communication. Without it our trust slips, without our trust the relationship fails. So my friends…consider this the reminder for today.
One of us feels a pull and that feeling creeps up, that sick and morose feeling of dread. The reality and awareness of the infection comes rushing back and it hits us where it hurts the most…our heart. We begin analyzing everything, every cover up, our actions, the other’s actions. We begin blaming ourselves, that blame turns to regret or resentment that the other had not thought enough to see and point it out. We try putting out little hints, still afraid to push too hard for fear of what will happen if the bubble bursts. Perhaps the hints go unheeded or perhaps it’s blissfully ignored. Not so much intentionally, just a matter of preservation of self and the relationship. When it isn’t handled, we withdraw. Instead of realizing that the other just has not had reality hit them, we take it for lack of concern or worse. Anger begins to build, anger at ourselves and anger at our significant other. It all starts to wrap in on itself, a vicious cycle that could very well be spelling out the doom of what both of you have worked so hard to build and preserve. If you’re a submissive, you begin scrambling, trying to sort out the sudden rush of thoughts and emotion, doing what you can to correct the situation. If you’re the Dom, you probably begin to second guess not only the sub but perhaps yourself as well. You analyze the fact you let it get so far and now with the loss of control to a point you feel it is futile.
The question is…why do any of us settle for this? Why do we allow it to happen? Me personally…well, I am still trying to figure that out. It seems to be a continual thing, a mistake made over and over again in lives all around me…including my own. I mean, I could spout off a thousand reasons as to why it happens to M and I from time to time. But in the end, not one of them is excusable for either of us allowing the break down in communication, to allow it to progress far enough to destroy the foundation that was precariously laid in the first place. When I first began my journey into D/s, I found what seemed to be endless articles on communication and it’s importance. During the failing of my marriage I had found an equal number in vanilla research. Communication and Trust. Vanilla or Baskin Robins….doesn’t matter your path. A relationship MUST be built on this. I couldn’t figure out why so much on it but as time goes on, I honestly see why. Us humans are fickle creatures. We forget so easily the fundamental basics on almost everything, it gets lost in the sea of all the other stuff we must remember. So THAT is why there are so many resources out there saying the same thing. Because we need a daily reminder that no matter how long you’ve been together, 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades…Communication, Communication, Communication. Without it our trust slips, without our trust the relationship fails. So my friends…consider this the reminder for today.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Limits
The other day Sir J made a post on pushing limits and I'd have to say it really kind of got me. M and I have been discussing things lately and for a while due to the stresses and such in our lives I had this un-nameable want for something. I could not put my finger on it and no matter how much I meditated on it or what have you, I just could not give voice to what it was. For a bit, I felt maybe it was just a desire to be pushed. But now...I believe I know exactly what it is.
As a submissive, it isn't really about limits for me. Sure, I have them and some of them are soft...breakable if you will. They are areas of unknowns and some of those unknowns should and will be discovered. They are opportunities for growth...and that is where, in my mind, pushing limits should come in. Otherwise, it isn't pushing that I need on a day to day basis. It's M's dominance, his control I need. I need to be put in my place, reminded of my submission. Our daily lives can be hectic. We all work, have jobs, take care of kids, etc...it is easy for us to lose sight of the D/s or M/s components of our relationships. So many that I know have often said during this time is when they need to be pushed or on the other side of the coin, feel they need to push. I don't think it's the right use of terminology.
Sir J asked a wonderful question "What exactly is gained by the pushing of all limits or pushing them all the time?" The answer for me is...nothing. It isn't pushing I really need all the time, it's guidance and control. If we push all the time, you quickly get to a point where the opportunities for growth dry up. Then...you're stuck in a stagnant relationship. Who wants that? I don't. Rome wasn't built in a day or a month or even a year...our relationships and areas for exploration should not be done that quick either.
So my opinion? Stop pushing, enjoy being a dominant and allow us as your submissives enjoy the taste of control and order in our lives. It's pretty much why we chose you isn't it?
As a submissive, it isn't really about limits for me. Sure, I have them and some of them are soft...breakable if you will. They are areas of unknowns and some of those unknowns should and will be discovered. They are opportunities for growth...and that is where, in my mind, pushing limits should come in. Otherwise, it isn't pushing that I need on a day to day basis. It's M's dominance, his control I need. I need to be put in my place, reminded of my submission. Our daily lives can be hectic. We all work, have jobs, take care of kids, etc...it is easy for us to lose sight of the D/s or M/s components of our relationships. So many that I know have often said during this time is when they need to be pushed or on the other side of the coin, feel they need to push. I don't think it's the right use of terminology.
Sir J asked a wonderful question "What exactly is gained by the pushing of all limits or pushing them all the time?" The answer for me is...nothing. It isn't pushing I really need all the time, it's guidance and control. If we push all the time, you quickly get to a point where the opportunities for growth dry up. Then...you're stuck in a stagnant relationship. Who wants that? I don't. Rome wasn't built in a day or a month or even a year...our relationships and areas for exploration should not be done that quick either.
So my opinion? Stop pushing, enjoy being a dominant and allow us as your submissives enjoy the taste of control and order in our lives. It's pretty much why we chose you isn't it?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Hands
The last few days I've been trying to find something to write on. With so much going on, it's hard to sit down long enough to focus my mind on one thing in particular. M's started his new job so new schedule there. I've got Ding's 7th birthday coming up and a decent sized party is planned...what was I thinking by agreeing to a Luau? LOL. Actually, that will be fun just a lot of preparation for it. But then throw my own job, taking care of the house, family obligations...you get the picture. We've been busy little bees. But to sum it all up...I've been hard pressed for getting myself in one place long enough to really concentrate. I'm starting to wear thin from it and with M in Florida and me here for now...there's no escape or release from everything.
But, tonight a thought came to mind when M and I were talking. I miss him terribly, there is no doubt on that. Every little thing about him runs through my mind. As stupid as it may sound given we talk a few times daily right now, I even miss the sound of his voice. Phones and skype don't really do it justice. But, during our conversation tonight I told him I miss his hands. Of course, most of you are like "Yea yea we know why." And I am sure he thought the same thing, he even replied "I miss everything about you." But I didn't mean it like that.
To give a little background here, I have a thing for hands. It is generally one of the first things I notice about other people and honestly one of the things I ALWAYS remember about them. Like my granny's hands or my mother's hands...I have my mother's hands. It's one of the things I will never forget about my Dad...I loved my Dad's hands. Typical man hands...big and wide, calloused and stained from years of working. My Dad always worked with his hands. He's been gone for 7 years now and I still cry like a baby when I hear Holly Dunn's "Daddy's Hands." So...yea, I have a weird thing for hands. Not a fetish (although I probably do have a fetish for M's hands to a point lol) but just like some people notice shoes or hair or whatever...My quirk is hands.
But, when I said I miss his hands, it's not just the way his hands look or the feel of them or the way his hand fits with mine. The thought came that it is so much more than that. In so many ways, his hands hold the world...my world. His hands have the ability to leave marks on my body (Yum...beautiful bruises lol)but by the same token can soothe every ounce of pain away. His hands can make me laugh or bring me to tears. His hands can hurt or comfort and protect. With the flick of a wrist he can beckon me closer or dismiss me from the room. His fingers can bring me to the brink of ecstasy or bring me to my knees in disappointment.
So...yea, I do miss the way his hand fits in mine. I miss the way he can lay in bed next to me for what seems like hours talking and stare at his fingers playing with mine. I miss the way he'll run his fingers through my hair one second then grab a hand full the very next. I miss everything about him, everything about his hands. But when it all boils down to it...his hands hold my heart and world in his palm and without them...I feel like I'm missing.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The MPD Life of the Modern Submissive
Today, while catching up on blogs, I was reading Finding Sara’s post from the other day in which she detailed her description of being stopped by a police officer and the Art of Authority blog’s response to it. It hit home for me.
In the fast pace of life, it is rare anymore that, in a family dynamic, the submissive or wife or female can stay home anymore. It is not like the days of our parents where Mom stayed home to care for the house, kids and husband. Now days, both work which in turn does give us submissives something of an identity complex. While at work, no matter what you do, you (as a submissive) are in charge of your work load, sometimes in charge of others even sometimes in charge of multiple departments or corporations. You have to shed the submissive tendancies and step into the role of being Dominant. Then, when the work whistle blows, you have to make sure to check that persona into your desk or locker or trunk of your car, don your submissive persona and head home where you tend to your Dominant, house, cooking, possibly kids…whatever.
At least that is the way it’s supposed to work in theory. But, let’s face it. We are all human and just like Dominants struggle in situations where they have no control, we struggle when control is placed in our hands and we have to determine when, where and how to use it. It’s contradictory. I know for me personally, I find myself often wondering why control was given to me at all because it isn’t something I wanted in the first place…hence being submissive. Then comes the problem of just shedding that “personality” that is required for me at work when I come home. I will find myself asking after I’ve cooked, cleaned the house, seen to the daughter, directing her through her own chores and homework…When does it end?
I know…HOW UTTERLY HORRIBLE OF ME! A SUBMISSIVE SHOULD NEVER THINK LIKE THAT! Whatever…I may be submissive but I am still human. Yes, I absolutely love the submissive life. I love serving M. I love having the family we have, can not wait for it to grow and would not trade any of it for anything in the world. But, I will also be the first to admit it is not easy…this multiple personality life of Submissive, Fiance/Wife, Employee, Mother, Daughter and Sister. The strain of the constant switching does sometimes get to me. I do have to remind myself or have M remind me of my place. I am always having to strive to keep myself and my submission together.
And ya know what? I am ok with that. Sure, I’d love to be a stay at home submissive and mother. But I am, above all else, a realist. Right now, I can not. So…every day, I get up, dress for work, get Ding off to where she needs to be, go to work, deal with everything there, come home, do the house wife thing and submit myself to M all over again. I stumbler along the way…a lot. But unlike with work or with being a mom…I have someone there helping me correct those mistakes, reminding me of my stumbles and helping me work to not make the same “stumble” next go around.
In the fast pace of life, it is rare anymore that, in a family dynamic, the submissive or wife or female can stay home anymore. It is not like the days of our parents where Mom stayed home to care for the house, kids and husband. Now days, both work which in turn does give us submissives something of an identity complex. While at work, no matter what you do, you (as a submissive) are in charge of your work load, sometimes in charge of others even sometimes in charge of multiple departments or corporations. You have to shed the submissive tendancies and step into the role of being Dominant. Then, when the work whistle blows, you have to make sure to check that persona into your desk or locker or trunk of your car, don your submissive persona and head home where you tend to your Dominant, house, cooking, possibly kids…whatever.
At least that is the way it’s supposed to work in theory. But, let’s face it. We are all human and just like Dominants struggle in situations where they have no control, we struggle when control is placed in our hands and we have to determine when, where and how to use it. It’s contradictory. I know for me personally, I find myself often wondering why control was given to me at all because it isn’t something I wanted in the first place…hence being submissive. Then comes the problem of just shedding that “personality” that is required for me at work when I come home. I will find myself asking after I’ve cooked, cleaned the house, seen to the daughter, directing her through her own chores and homework…When does it end?
I know…HOW UTTERLY HORRIBLE OF ME! A SUBMISSIVE SHOULD NEVER THINK LIKE THAT! Whatever…I may be submissive but I am still human. Yes, I absolutely love the submissive life. I love serving M. I love having the family we have, can not wait for it to grow and would not trade any of it for anything in the world. But, I will also be the first to admit it is not easy…this multiple personality life of Submissive, Fiance/Wife, Employee, Mother, Daughter and Sister. The strain of the constant switching does sometimes get to me. I do have to remind myself or have M remind me of my place. I am always having to strive to keep myself and my submission together.
And ya know what? I am ok with that. Sure, I’d love to be a stay at home submissive and mother. But I am, above all else, a realist. Right now, I can not. So…every day, I get up, dress for work, get Ding off to where she needs to be, go to work, deal with everything there, come home, do the house wife thing and submit myself to M all over again. I stumbler along the way…a lot. But unlike with work or with being a mom…I have someone there helping me correct those mistakes, reminding me of my stumbles and helping me work to not make the same “stumble” next go around.
Monday, June 7, 2010
100 Things about me
So...I know. I have not written in a few. I've been dealing with an oppressive feeling of wanting something or needing something and for the life of me I have not been able to name it. It's a rather disconcerting feeling. M knows of it but as with most things, this is something I must figure out on my own. But, in the mean time...I decided to see if I could come up with 100 things about myself.
1 I’m not a huge fan of my name, it’s too common
2 I’m asian and italian
3 I’ve got a daughter
4 I’d like one more child
5 Ive been married once before
6 I’ve lived in Louisiana 93% of my life to date
7 I’m a slave at heart submissive
8 I love good food
9 I like rainy days
10 I was anorexic as a teenager
11 I’m hypoglycemic
12 I’m deathly allergic to Bees and Wasps
13 I’m mildly allergic to soy but love Edamame
14 I love cheese
15 Red meat is my favorite
16 I like my steak medium rare but more on the rare side
17 I love black and white movies
18 I love musicals
19 I took private vocal coaching growing up
20 I began dance classes at the age of 2
21 I have PCOS
22 My favorite season is Winter
23 My favorite color is red
24 I secretly love the color pink
25 I love being outdoors
26 I was initially born with red hair and it all fell out and grew in dark brown
27 I am one of 5 girls
28 I love writing
29 I’ve written 2 books
30 I’m a virgo and a snake
31 I am surperstitious to a point
32 I’ve owned a black cat
33 I love dogs
34 I was given my first horse at the age of 2
35 My favorite holiday is Christmas
36 I love the movie “Gone with the Wind”
37 I do believe Scarlett’s issue was that she was not spanked enough.
38 I collect Barbies and Angels
39 I love chocolate
40 I enjoy gardening and arts & crafts
41 I love to sing
42 I am mildly OCD
43 I’ve seen the movie Top Gun over 148 times
44 I love the Opera and Classical Music
45 I’ve only ever had to be hospitalized once
46 I like pink camoflauge
47 I love all sorts of asian foods
48 I have my daughter’s name tattooed on my upper back
49 I want more tattoos
50 I have my navel pierced but would like to pierce my nose
51 I love rainy days
52 I loved school
53 I am typically a perfectionist
54 I have a short-fused temper
55 I like hunting and fishing
56 I love football
57 I hate lying and personally suck at it...
58 I have trouble hiding my emotions or thoughts
59 Bad driving is a pet peeve
60 I love history
61 I detest laziness
62 My favorite flowers are Orchids and Gardenia
63 I love the smell of rain and fresh cut grass
64 Children’s laughter is my favorite sound
65 Photography is a hobby
66 I have been referred to as “cold” before
67 Being PC is not my cup of tea
68 I have a phobia of spiders and clowns
69 I am a practicing Catholic
70 The ideal life for me would be spent traveling
71 I was raped at the age of 13
72 I’ve been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship before
73 My first experience in a D/s relationship ended because of abuse
74 I’m in love M’s scent
75 I have an overly active sex drive
76 I suffer with insomnia
77 I was afraid of the dark growing up
78 I believe in ghosts
79 I have a hard time trusting people
80 I wanted a pet Elephant growing up
81 I LOVE Heels
82 I have a Bra and Panty Fetish
83 I love oral sex
84 My favorite position is from behind
85 I think the word “Vagina” sucks
86 I own a pool but have never had sex in said pool
87 My Dad taught be how to rebuild a car engine
88 I used to street race as a teenager
89 I can change my own oil
90 My memory sometimes sucks
91 I am sometimes easily distracted
92 My favorite cartoon growing up was Scooby Doo
93 I lived in Germany for more than 6 months
94 I hate beer
95 I wanted to be a race car driver when I grew up
96 I can belly dance
97 Everyday I discover something new about my submission
98 I always have at least 2 unopened bottles of wine in the house
99 I typically have 1 glass of wine a night with dinner
100 I found it rather difficult to think of 99 things about me.
1 I’m not a huge fan of my name, it’s too common
2 I’m asian and italian
3 I’ve got a daughter
4 I’d like one more child
5 Ive been married once before
6 I’ve lived in Louisiana 93% of my life to date
7 I’m a slave at heart submissive
8 I love good food
9 I like rainy days
10 I was anorexic as a teenager
11 I’m hypoglycemic
12 I’m deathly allergic to Bees and Wasps
13 I’m mildly allergic to soy but love Edamame
14 I love cheese
15 Red meat is my favorite
16 I like my steak medium rare but more on the rare side
17 I love black and white movies
18 I love musicals
19 I took private vocal coaching growing up
20 I began dance classes at the age of 2
21 I have PCOS
22 My favorite season is Winter
23 My favorite color is red
24 I secretly love the color pink
25 I love being outdoors
26 I was initially born with red hair and it all fell out and grew in dark brown
27 I am one of 5 girls
28 I love writing
29 I’ve written 2 books
30 I’m a virgo and a snake
31 I am surperstitious to a point
32 I’ve owned a black cat
33 I love dogs
34 I was given my first horse at the age of 2
35 My favorite holiday is Christmas
36 I love the movie “Gone with the Wind”
37 I do believe Scarlett’s issue was that she was not spanked enough.
38 I collect Barbies and Angels
39 I love chocolate
40 I enjoy gardening and arts & crafts
41 I love to sing
42 I am mildly OCD
43 I’ve seen the movie Top Gun over 148 times
44 I love the Opera and Classical Music
45 I’ve only ever had to be hospitalized once
46 I like pink camoflauge
47 I love all sorts of asian foods
48 I have my daughter’s name tattooed on my upper back
49 I want more tattoos
50 I have my navel pierced but would like to pierce my nose
51 I love rainy days
52 I loved school
53 I am typically a perfectionist
54 I have a short-fused temper
55 I like hunting and fishing
56 I love football
57 I hate lying and personally suck at it...
58 I have trouble hiding my emotions or thoughts
59 Bad driving is a pet peeve
60 I love history
61 I detest laziness
62 My favorite flowers are Orchids and Gardenia
63 I love the smell of rain and fresh cut grass
64 Children’s laughter is my favorite sound
65 Photography is a hobby
66 I have been referred to as “cold” before
67 Being PC is not my cup of tea
68 I have a phobia of spiders and clowns
69 I am a practicing Catholic
70 The ideal life for me would be spent traveling
71 I was raped at the age of 13
72 I’ve been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship before
73 My first experience in a D/s relationship ended because of abuse
74 I’m in love M’s scent
75 I have an overly active sex drive
76 I suffer with insomnia
77 I was afraid of the dark growing up
78 I believe in ghosts
79 I have a hard time trusting people
80 I wanted a pet Elephant growing up
81 I LOVE Heels
82 I have a Bra and Panty Fetish
83 I love oral sex
84 My favorite position is from behind
85 I think the word “Vagina” sucks
86 I own a pool but have never had sex in said pool
87 My Dad taught be how to rebuild a car engine
88 I used to street race as a teenager
89 I can change my own oil
90 My memory sometimes sucks
91 I am sometimes easily distracted
92 My favorite cartoon growing up was Scooby Doo
93 I lived in Germany for more than 6 months
94 I hate beer
95 I wanted to be a race car driver when I grew up
96 I can belly dance
97 Everyday I discover something new about my submission
98 I always have at least 2 unopened bottles of wine in the house
99 I typically have 1 glass of wine a night with dinner
100 I found it rather difficult to think of 99 things about me.
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