Return of the Jedi...I mean M

Sorry, I've been letting my inner geek out a little too much lately hehe. But, the statement is true. A little while ago, after a year of moving on (which was hard to do I might add lol), M contacted me out of the blue. It's been nice talking to the friend I lost in him, but I will have to admit it's been confusing, hard, a hot mess...whatever title you can imagine, put it there.

Let me be the first to say, muscle memory is REAL. The heart being the muscle that it is...it doesn't forget. That is where the confusing and hard part come in. Talking to him, there are moments that it is easy to remember how I came to love him and why I submitted. Sure, I am even strong enough to admit that I even got butterflies in my stomach a time or two. But with the space I was given on my side, I do see things a lot clearer than I had back then.

Looking back, much to my own dismay and shame, I realized that I had completely lost who I was in him. Yes, I get it...that's what we submissives do. But, I mean lost myself as in losing my own identity and neglecting common sense. In my drive to please, I forgot to listen to reason and allowed manipulation do the leading. I neglected standing up for myself when I should've. I ignored reason and allowed my all consuming love blind me to the mistakes, the sadness and lack of leadership, guidance, nurturing and firmness. I forgot my own needs in an effort to try and fill his. No, I am not bashing him nor do I regret. He taught me a lot in the end and I did end up a better person for it...

He is the one that led me to the discovery of ultimately what I want and need in, not just a Dominant, but also a partner. It's because of him, that I learned to trust myself and my own instincts more. It's because of him that I am a stronger, more confident person. He gave me the fuel that ignited the fire and like a phoenix, I have risen from the ashes brighter and more beautiful. You cannot really ask for more than that, no matter how it came to be.

I am ok with admitting that I do still love him, despite the way things ended. I just now know I need someone who won't ask or push me to lose myself, but helps who I am build into something better. I am willing to go to the ends of the earth for someone I love, but they have to be willing to do the same...and prove it. Anyone can say "I love you...follow me" but true love, a true leader will lead by example...by actions. (Yes, giving a pull on the leash works too lol but you know what I mean.)