My blog has suffered lately, sometimes not writing in it for a few weeks at a time. I am going to make a concerted effort to keep this up daily. It may not always be deep thoughts or awe struck revalations...but perhaps journaling daily will keep my mind open and prevent some of the random emotional upsets and such.
Last night I read one of greengirl's post called Communication Breakdown. For me, it really hit home. M and I have had it happen to us several times and I am sure it will happen many more over the years as we grow, change and morph into the couple we would like to be. I am sure it happens in every relationship. It's a growing pain we all have to deal with no matter D/s, M/s or plain old vanilla.
M and I discussed the post and our thoughts on the subject but one part really stuck out for me. The issue of "Did you do it because I asked or because you want to?" For me, the discussion of oral sex has come up before with him and I. Not so much me performing, but him performing. Before this last trip, it was something he had not performed on me and out of curiousity I asked why. A conversation ensued, some things I took wrong in my own perception and just ended up chalking it up to "It's not something that will happen with us." Then I went out to see him this last time and much to my...not surprise, more like shock lol...he went down. Heat of the moment, no scening just regular hawt smex and I will be the first to admit...for the first time since we've been together I found myself uncomfortable.
Usually, yes like most other women, I generally enjoy it but seriously...it was almost like someone threw on an emergency break and for me the car came to a stop. Why? Because my OH SO brilliant brain threw in the thought "Is he doing this because he wants to or because I asked about it?" Not knowing the answer bothered me. Sure, whenever a "loving couple" have sex, you will both do things that you know the other enjoys because well...because you want your partner to be happy, satisfied. For a lot of us, no matter Dominant, Submissive, Plain jane vanilla wife or husband, etc...we obtain enjoyment from our partner's enjoyment as well as our own.
But for me, as a sub, I feel this stab of guilt at the thought of him doing something purely because I asked. I feel guilty at the thought that he could be doing something he really doesn't care to do just because he knows it will make me happy. I kind of reason it to the act of sex period. We all WANT our partner to want to have sex with us. We all want to know that the person we are with finds us as attractive in that regards as we find them. I don't want him doing something just because I ask...If it happens, I would hope it's a mutually enjoyable thing. It's just like telling me "You're so beautiful" after asking why it's been 10 years since you even commented on me looking nice for an evening out on the town much less that i'm beautiful. For me...it just comes off as coherced and not something you truly mean or want.
In that topic, there does often come a communication breakdown. For me, I can relate to Greengirl's lack of desire to speak up. Sure, I know as a submissive and even as a wife I need to express my needs and wants. You as a dominant can not read minds. But by the same token, there may be a time I hold something back just out of fear that I will say it and it gets answered not because you want to or mean it...but only because I asked after it. No, I'd never hold the major things back and of course if there is ever something new that may peak my interest...I'd say. That is how our relationship keeps growing, learning new things. But that isn't really what I am talking about. I am purely talking about the every day, no brainer stuff.
And now...back to your regularly scheduled programing.
Banana
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