This morning I woke in a terrible mood, just awful. I felt a sense of aggravation and frustration about pretty much everything. So, in talking to Master, he suggested that perhaps I take this opportunity and focus on the topic tweeted by The Subguide. At first, in my dismal mood, I looked at the question and was like "How the F#@% am I supposed to know what I've taught him?" Yes...I know, SOOO sub like right? Let's face it, we are never 100% submissive 100% of the time. But then, who would want to be? I find I get more done when I am in these little moods.
But back to the topic at hand. I've spent the better part of the day trying to rationalize how I would answer this. In all honesty? I can not say exactly what I've taught him. My answer would come more in the form of What I'd like to think I've helped him better. Any way you look at it, this will come off as a loaded question. One aimed to openly criticize...which I pray he will not take it as such.
I'd like to think I've helped him with being a little more open or communicative about his feelings or affection. He's not typically openly affectionate verbally but he's come leaps and bounds since...well when he so chooses but then he is the Master right? It just is something that does not come natural to him and that is OK. The bright side there is that he does work to improve it and I can not ask for more.
I'd like to think I've helped him improve his optimism. He is not, by nature, an optimist. He deals too much with analogy and logic so when something goes wrong, he tends to come off at times as pessimistic. This isn't something done intentional, just he tends to stay a little too grounded in the here and now reality instead of having faith it will turn better. He's gotten better about it, not completely but better still.
I'd like to think I've helped him become a better Dominant. More than a few have shown criticism towards me once learning that Master is relatively new, green if you will where actual experience is concern. The thing is, how do they learn if someone is not willing to take the journey with them? I knew him fairly well before hand and was blessed enough to watch him come into finding himself lifestyle wise. When the opportunity arose, I never once second guessed handing my submission over to him. He gained more trust in just being a friend than Dom's I'd known for years. I did not see an inexperienced Dom, I saw everything he was capable of becoming. I did not see someone who'd never held a cane, I saw someone I wanted and trusted to hold the cane beside me. I know without any doubt he would not intentionally put me in a potentially harmful situation without being fully sure himself. More importantly, over the last 7 months I consider myself honored to have watched him grow daily in his role. Our road thus far has not been an easy one and we still have a long way to go until we are both where we would like to be. But everyday, he grows a little more and becomes a little more confident in his role.
So, can I say there is any one thing I KNOW undoubtedly that I've taught him? No, it just is not something I ask. I can only say what I'd like to think I've been lucky enough to be a part of or helped where bettering himself is concerned. Either way, I count my blessing for being able to be called his...even when I do get mad or my feelings get hurt and want to cry. At the end of the day, when all of the clothes are removed and my very soul is naked before him...I feel like I am home.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
An important thought
Today at lunch, the topic of "love" came up. It started off as a harmless conversation on relationships and somehow developed into a very indepth discussion about that oh so scary but all important word. The topic all boiled down to the different levels there of...Loving someone and being IN love with someone. Most confuse this, a lot.
You can love just about anyone. I love my parents, siblings, friends...even my ex-husband. I know...gasps. But it is true, he's the father of my child and even before we were a couple, we were friends. You do not just spend 12 years with someone and not love them. That is the funny thing, you never really stop loving someone. It just changes into a different level of the same emotion. Love is what's left when being in love has gone. It's when you care about someone and you hope they're happy, but you're not under any illusions about them. Maybe that kind of love is not exciting and passionate and all those feelings fade with time.
Being IN love with someone though...now that is different. I don't necessarily thing it's an illusionary thing, but it is a grand state that everyone wants. It's what spurs us to consider a future with that person, having a life or starting a family. It's what gives us that thought when we look at our significant other and think "I can see myself sleeping with him every night for years to come" or "I want to be there when her hair is gray"...in other words it is the level that spurs a relationship into long term. It ultimately gives us all that kick we need to get us over the obstacles that begin to pop up in our growing relationships.
Now, does this factor in when discussing a D/s or 24/7 TPE relationship. It most certainly does. We are all aware that it is very common to find yourself one day saying "I love him" or "I love her". Really, I would find it highly odd if as either sub or master that you never reach a point in which we admit to loving our partners. We share everything (or at least we're supposed to), we see each other in ways no one ever will or could see us. As subs, we give ourselves and our control over to someone else. To think love will never develop is preposturous I would personally think.
But is being "IN Love" necessary? No, it isn't. Does it happen? Sure! It happens every day, we would not have married couples in the lifestyle if not. But that is very general in response. Each person's needs or wants are different. Some never intend to completely settle down, then there are some that want that long-term relationship. If you are wanting long term, in my opinion...you really do need to ask yourself am I "IN LOVE" with this person. If you are wanting something that lasts further than a few months or even a year...being IN love for me is necessary.
I can not say that everyone feels the same as I do. For me, I lived in a marriage for 10 years with a man who neither of us could honestly say we were IN love with each other. It showed. Our sex life was...well there was ALOT to be desired. We stopped existing as a couple and lived more like best friends. For me...that was unacceptable. I can, at any time, live with a friend. My ultimate goal is to have someone who is not just My Master or a Friend, but a lover, a confident, a teacher and a partner.
So if you asked me, is being "IN LOVE" necessary? My answer is yes, most definitely. I settled once before but life is too short to settle. I won't be making that mistake again.
You can love just about anyone. I love my parents, siblings, friends...even my ex-husband. I know...gasps. But it is true, he's the father of my child and even before we were a couple, we were friends. You do not just spend 12 years with someone and not love them. That is the funny thing, you never really stop loving someone. It just changes into a different level of the same emotion. Love is what's left when being in love has gone. It's when you care about someone and you hope they're happy, but you're not under any illusions about them. Maybe that kind of love is not exciting and passionate and all those feelings fade with time.
Being IN love with someone though...now that is different. I don't necessarily thing it's an illusionary thing, but it is a grand state that everyone wants. It's what spurs us to consider a future with that person, having a life or starting a family. It's what gives us that thought when we look at our significant other and think "I can see myself sleeping with him every night for years to come" or "I want to be there when her hair is gray"...in other words it is the level that spurs a relationship into long term. It ultimately gives us all that kick we need to get us over the obstacles that begin to pop up in our growing relationships.
Now, does this factor in when discussing a D/s or 24/7 TPE relationship. It most certainly does. We are all aware that it is very common to find yourself one day saying "I love him" or "I love her". Really, I would find it highly odd if as either sub or master that you never reach a point in which we admit to loving our partners. We share everything (or at least we're supposed to), we see each other in ways no one ever will or could see us. As subs, we give ourselves and our control over to someone else. To think love will never develop is preposturous I would personally think.
But is being "IN Love" necessary? No, it isn't. Does it happen? Sure! It happens every day, we would not have married couples in the lifestyle if not. But that is very general in response. Each person's needs or wants are different. Some never intend to completely settle down, then there are some that want that long-term relationship. If you are wanting long term, in my opinion...you really do need to ask yourself am I "IN LOVE" with this person. If you are wanting something that lasts further than a few months or even a year...being IN love for me is necessary.
I can not say that everyone feels the same as I do. For me, I lived in a marriage for 10 years with a man who neither of us could honestly say we were IN love with each other. It showed. Our sex life was...well there was ALOT to be desired. We stopped existing as a couple and lived more like best friends. For me...that was unacceptable. I can, at any time, live with a friend. My ultimate goal is to have someone who is not just My Master or a Friend, but a lover, a confident, a teacher and a partner.
So if you asked me, is being "IN LOVE" necessary? My answer is yes, most definitely. I settled once before but life is too short to settle. I won't be making that mistake again.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Communication holds the hand of Trust
One of the first things I ever learned about trust was my Dad telling me that you never should put your faith and trust into someone who doesn't talk. This was odd coming from a man of not too many words. Granted he'd cut up with his friends and was even pretty communicative with my mother. Wasn't until later that I came to understand that he was just a little awkward around a bunch of teenage girls. Things changed though when my Uncle passed away and he realized that you never had enough time to say all the things you need to.
Now that I am an adult and have put a little experience in the ways of relationships under my belt, I came to see what he meant. He wasn't referring to those that are just naturally quiet. He meant to watch out for those who kept themselves quiet and withdrawn from you. If they can not share who they are with you...how are you meant to trust them? More importantly, how can they justify asking you to spill your soul. In reality, they can't. One thing I was told at an early age, the most important thing we have is our word. If you stay true to what you say and always tell truths then others will know they can depend on you. They come to trust you because they know you will always tell them the truth. That was something my mother told me when I was about 8. My parents weren't as bad as I thought they were when I was a teen lol...they weren't exactly vanilla either I've learned in my older years as well.
We've read it all before how communication is paramount in the D/s lifestyle. It is in any relationship but even more so in ours. Think about it for a moment. As a sub, we are subjecting ourselves to the will of another. We are expected to flay ourselves open, completely exposing every little piece of who we are to another. We have to in order to expect our dominants to completely lead us, to build us up better than we had been before. Our thoughts, words, actions now belong to someone else...and just as we would not embarrass ourselves, we would never want to embarrass our owner. During scenes we are sometimes putting our very lives in their hands. So, we share everything about us with them. I can remember it as if it were yesterday when I was told by my first Master "I want you to dig down to the deepest, darkest thought you have, share it and then dig deeper...I want to know every corner of your mind as if it were my own mind." That scared me but I did it because I knew if I was going to truly be his submissive, a good submissive, I'd have to share everything with him openly and without shame.
We've seen this written a million times about submissives, but the fact of the matter is despite being just the follower, the tool used...the Dominant has to be equally as open. How are we, as submissives, able to really trust and follow if we do not know who we are following? How can we ever feel comfortable enough sharing everything with someone who does not openly share him/herself with us? As a submissive, we want to desperately know our Dominants so that we can better serve. We can not anticipate their needs if we do not truly know them. We have no direction if we do not know what they are thinking. Truth? We can not. We have no basis for trust, no comfort level if we are the only ones exposed. It goes back to the old saying "Do as I say and not as I do." It doesn't work on children and it definitely doesn't work for grown adults who are giving up independence and EVERYTHING we are over to someone else. We know better, at least we should. We are not as mindless/innocent as children...we can not be kept at arms length. Just as with any relationship, even more so in a D/s relationship, the communication and sharing of self HAS to work both ways.
It all comes down to trust and communication. If we are to trust each other, we have to both be willing to be open and completely honest. We can not even hold back the truths that may hurt. It starts off as one little thing withheld to spare the other's feelings and it grows from there until everything you have becomes built on lie after lie. When it all falls apart, you end up with two very hurt people. In our lifestyle, it can sometimes end up even worse...there is a fine line between life and death. Heavy when put that way isn't it? It's meant to be heavy. Our lifestyle is not always an easy one to live. But if as Dom and Subs...if we are honest and open with one another it can be the most rewarding life experience. One filled with more love and connection than you can possibly imagine.
Now that I am an adult and have put a little experience in the ways of relationships under my belt, I came to see what he meant. He wasn't referring to those that are just naturally quiet. He meant to watch out for those who kept themselves quiet and withdrawn from you. If they can not share who they are with you...how are you meant to trust them? More importantly, how can they justify asking you to spill your soul. In reality, they can't. One thing I was told at an early age, the most important thing we have is our word. If you stay true to what you say and always tell truths then others will know they can depend on you. They come to trust you because they know you will always tell them the truth. That was something my mother told me when I was about 8. My parents weren't as bad as I thought they were when I was a teen lol...they weren't exactly vanilla either I've learned in my older years as well.
We've read it all before how communication is paramount in the D/s lifestyle. It is in any relationship but even more so in ours. Think about it for a moment. As a sub, we are subjecting ourselves to the will of another. We are expected to flay ourselves open, completely exposing every little piece of who we are to another. We have to in order to expect our dominants to completely lead us, to build us up better than we had been before. Our thoughts, words, actions now belong to someone else...and just as we would not embarrass ourselves, we would never want to embarrass our owner. During scenes we are sometimes putting our very lives in their hands. So, we share everything about us with them. I can remember it as if it were yesterday when I was told by my first Master "I want you to dig down to the deepest, darkest thought you have, share it and then dig deeper...I want to know every corner of your mind as if it were my own mind." That scared me but I did it because I knew if I was going to truly be his submissive, a good submissive, I'd have to share everything with him openly and without shame.
We've seen this written a million times about submissives, but the fact of the matter is despite being just the follower, the tool used...the Dominant has to be equally as open. How are we, as submissives, able to really trust and follow if we do not know who we are following? How can we ever feel comfortable enough sharing everything with someone who does not openly share him/herself with us? As a submissive, we want to desperately know our Dominants so that we can better serve. We can not anticipate their needs if we do not truly know them. We have no direction if we do not know what they are thinking. Truth? We can not. We have no basis for trust, no comfort level if we are the only ones exposed. It goes back to the old saying "Do as I say and not as I do." It doesn't work on children and it definitely doesn't work for grown adults who are giving up independence and EVERYTHING we are over to someone else. We know better, at least we should. We are not as mindless/innocent as children...we can not be kept at arms length. Just as with any relationship, even more so in a D/s relationship, the communication and sharing of self HAS to work both ways.
It all comes down to trust and communication. If we are to trust each other, we have to both be willing to be open and completely honest. We can not even hold back the truths that may hurt. It starts off as one little thing withheld to spare the other's feelings and it grows from there until everything you have becomes built on lie after lie. When it all falls apart, you end up with two very hurt people. In our lifestyle, it can sometimes end up even worse...there is a fine line between life and death. Heavy when put that way isn't it? It's meant to be heavy. Our lifestyle is not always an easy one to live. But if as Dom and Subs...if we are honest and open with one another it can be the most rewarding life experience. One filled with more love and connection than you can possibly imagine.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Years
Well another year has come and gone...a new one is born giving us all a fresh start and hopefully a better outlook. For me? I have to believe it will be better than the last. This past year was difficult on so many levels but there was a bright shining star amidst all the chaos...the beautiful gift of ownership that was given to me and the ability to give my complete submission back.
New Years Eve did not start out very well. I woke alone (aka without him) and it is something that usually I am ok with. But Today seemed to be something of a cresting of all the insecurities and fears I've been wrestling with the past few days. The fear of losing that ownership and the realization that this is not set in stone, that he could decide to tomorrow that this isn't where he wants to be. It's a very heavy load to bear and honestly it's probably something I need to come to grips with. I am not classified as his girlfriend, much less considered the love of his life...I am just his submissive. No..I don't take that tag lightly, not in any way shape or form. It is something I cherish above most and wear with the utmost pride. I could not imagine having another Master. I've been down that road a few times before so I know how incredibly blessed I am to be called his.
But, with all that has been going on...it's made me think long and hard about my own feelings for him. It's easy to say you're in love with someone...it is. If you've ever been there you know what it's like, you know how it feels. It is something totally different to know if that is exactly how you feel and the depth to which it goes. The tears shed over the last few days and every thought I've had always comes down to the same conclusion...I know, 100% of everything that I am and have, that this is not a case of being head over heels, this goes so much deeper than that. I am completely, 100% in love...and like...with Master. That's the first time I've been able to really admit that...on that level. How do I know? A story Master had me read a while back came to mind yesterday. It was of a Master and Submissive and the Master put her to a test, he needed to know how committed she was. He rejected her submission and released her. After some self deliberation, she accepted his words but was on verge of overdosing because she knew she could not live without him. The story made me cry when I read it but I couldn't truly empathize with how she felt until recently when faced with my own thoughts. Now...no, I would never even consider that because I am realistic in the fact that I have a daughter who needs me and whom I love dearly. I have a family that it would leave devastated. And honestly, He would not be very happy with the decision either...his disappointment alone is enough to shatter every single piece of my heart. But on a lot of levels I do understand her choice...because like her, I know my life would not be the same without him. In short, without a doubt if it meant saving him...I'd take a bullet.
With that said, ultimately it is His smile and complete happiness that means the most to me. And even though his leaving would break my heart and leave an unbearable amount of pain...because I love him that much...I would smile and wish him all of the happiness in the world. I pray that I never have to make that call and I know that ultimately it is not something I will ever be able to prepare myself for. But, as he told me...there comes a time where we have to make a the best choice we can and if it means walking then we do. He's right and while it scares the crap out of me, I understand what he means. And if that is the choice he has to make, I would rather suffer in silence every day without then for him to spend even one day with me unhappy.
For now, I have to work on stabilizing myself. He needs me together because Life isn't being as nice as one would hope. We will get through it and hopefully...with a little luck and a lot of praying, we will be stronger for it. Who knows...maybe we will even find a little more stability and a better road in front of us...with him leading and me following dutifully behind.
I love you Master and I am sorry that I have not been as strong as you need me to be but I promise to strive to be better.
Happy New Years all, may it be a blessed one.
New Years Eve did not start out very well. I woke alone (aka without him) and it is something that usually I am ok with. But Today seemed to be something of a cresting of all the insecurities and fears I've been wrestling with the past few days. The fear of losing that ownership and the realization that this is not set in stone, that he could decide to tomorrow that this isn't where he wants to be. It's a very heavy load to bear and honestly it's probably something I need to come to grips with. I am not classified as his girlfriend, much less considered the love of his life...I am just his submissive. No..I don't take that tag lightly, not in any way shape or form. It is something I cherish above most and wear with the utmost pride. I could not imagine having another Master. I've been down that road a few times before so I know how incredibly blessed I am to be called his.
But, with all that has been going on...it's made me think long and hard about my own feelings for him. It's easy to say you're in love with someone...it is. If you've ever been there you know what it's like, you know how it feels. It is something totally different to know if that is exactly how you feel and the depth to which it goes. The tears shed over the last few days and every thought I've had always comes down to the same conclusion...I know, 100% of everything that I am and have, that this is not a case of being head over heels, this goes so much deeper than that. I am completely, 100% in love...and like...with Master. That's the first time I've been able to really admit that...on that level. How do I know? A story Master had me read a while back came to mind yesterday. It was of a Master and Submissive and the Master put her to a test, he needed to know how committed she was. He rejected her submission and released her. After some self deliberation, she accepted his words but was on verge of overdosing because she knew she could not live without him. The story made me cry when I read it but I couldn't truly empathize with how she felt until recently when faced with my own thoughts. Now...no, I would never even consider that because I am realistic in the fact that I have a daughter who needs me and whom I love dearly. I have a family that it would leave devastated. And honestly, He would not be very happy with the decision either...his disappointment alone is enough to shatter every single piece of my heart. But on a lot of levels I do understand her choice...because like her, I know my life would not be the same without him. In short, without a doubt if it meant saving him...I'd take a bullet.
With that said, ultimately it is His smile and complete happiness that means the most to me. And even though his leaving would break my heart and leave an unbearable amount of pain...because I love him that much...I would smile and wish him all of the happiness in the world. I pray that I never have to make that call and I know that ultimately it is not something I will ever be able to prepare myself for. But, as he told me...there comes a time where we have to make a the best choice we can and if it means walking then we do. He's right and while it scares the crap out of me, I understand what he means. And if that is the choice he has to make, I would rather suffer in silence every day without then for him to spend even one day with me unhappy.
For now, I have to work on stabilizing myself. He needs me together because Life isn't being as nice as one would hope. We will get through it and hopefully...with a little luck and a lot of praying, we will be stronger for it. Who knows...maybe we will even find a little more stability and a better road in front of us...with him leading and me following dutifully behind.
I love you Master and I am sorry that I have not been as strong as you need me to be but I promise to strive to be better.
Happy New Years all, may it be a blessed one.
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