Day 1

A little more than 3 years ago, I met someone who would change my life...impacting it in ways I never would imagine. Two years and 6 months ago, that same person decided we would try out a relationship of sorts. He was dominant and I was submissive. Neither of us were prepared, like truly prepare for the full emotional impact it would have. We eventually found love growing from it. It eventually grew into an all consuming love, where we just knew we had found the one. Or, at least I did and believed he felt the same. We struggled with distance and time, the loss of 2 pregnancies, my ex and custody issues with the daughter I have. But through it all, I held faith. Had someone told me 3 years ago that 3 years from now it would all end, I would have probably kicked their asses and told them to go screw with someone else.

Yesterday, the unthinkable happened. Or...perhaps not so unthinkable. He said he didn't believe in us anymore. He didn't believe that we would triumph over our obstacles. He said it was over.

So, I find myself sitting here. I eventually managed to pull myself out of bed, only because I have a child who demanded I do so. Her life can't stop just because mine came to an end at the blink of an eye. The pain is incredibly unbearable. To be honest, I have moments where I question reality. I keep telling myself that I will wake up but the truth is, I am awake and this is not just another nightmare. Part of me wants to believe that at any moment, he is going to be outside, standing in the rain, holding up a cheesy ass boom box and everything will be right in the world. But...seriously, I am no leading actress and he doesn't own a ragged black trench coat. Life isn't a movie and I have to accept that he is not going to come back and tell me he can't livehttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif without me.

So...it's day one. They say every day will get easier. I don't necessarily agree. When he left, he took everything with him. All of my happiness, my life, my dreams, my hopes and my home. He was all of that too me and more. Despite what others said, the doubting Thomases...I believe in him and in us with more conviction than my own religious faith. He was/is my life partner, my best friend. I ultimately feel like all that was good in me was ripped away yesterday. Perhaps one day the pain will recede and I will be able to put on a half way decent smile. But for now, I will just focus on trying to breath and get from one second to the next...and struggle with the fact that I still love him more than words could ever say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9W-4PMngAU