Ok, so not really BUT! It will get there. M and I have started to make some real progress where we are concerned. We've taken some much needed time to begin to reconnect. Of course...it does help that we've managed to have sex every day for the past week and will say it hasn't come close to satisfying this nagging need to be used. But, it helps none the less hehehe.
As for other areas, he's been very good about trying to reinforce his words with actions. Honestly, it's been a long while since he was as considerate and well...in control for a lack of better terms, since our new days together. We lost so much as time went on and began to really take for granted the relationship, our relationship and our roles in TTWD. And I have had a hard time being accusatory. For a long while I could not bring myself to say "HEY! JERK! YOU'RE HURTING ME SO STOP!" or just admitting out loud that he was failing in a lot of areas. I've started moving past that. I carried my own faults in all of this, but I am also able to admit where he was at fault. And believe it or not...it's an important step.
Slowly but surely, M and I are starting to regain our footing with each other. His work load is finally letting up. This last semester does worry me a little, more gun shy than anything. But, with the new open lines of communication and reaffrimed commitement to one another, hopefully it will go by seemless and come July his outside responsibilities will settle into a more normal pattern. And that's a good thing.
We are far from perfect or completely restored but we're on our way to getting there. We've got the distance issue, the Ex and custody issue, settling him back into his Dominant role and growth and a few other issues to work through but one step at a time right?
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Learning to trust again
Have you ever had to? Learn to trust all over again that is. It isn't easy, if anything I am finding it harder to than when M and I first started out. I have never been one to trust easily. It's always been something that is hard earned but once you have gained it...you HAVE IT. So much so, that I often find it is hard to break once established. But usually when you do break it...well...in the past it's been a complete killjoy. There has never been any coming back. But then, I don't think anyone's ever really TRIED either.
Now in the case of M, a lot of hurt has come between us, trust in him and in us has been all but obliterated. It's heart wrenching to say the least. But unlike in the past, he and I do want to make things work. We've both agreed it's what we want, what we both desire and yes...eventually we would like to get back the D/s side of us. Issue there? That's where the break down in trust came and then like dominoes, everything else tumbling after.
The issues I am having is how. How do you go about it? Where do you start? I've impressed upon him that to me a good place to start is begin showing me that his word is what it is. If you say you are going to do something, then do it. Then go from there. Other than that...I seem to be drawing a blank because it's uncharted territory. Then there is the issue of myself, allowing myself to trust again without any reservation. Unlike at the beginning, now there is history there...something for the brain to rely on. So...how do I overcome it? They say you have to forgive and let go. That's so much easier said than done. You can forgive till the cows come home and you think you've let it go but then one little thing happens and it's like ripping the scab off an open would...you find yourself bleeding again.
Another issue I'm also having trouble with is outside of us. My daughter, my family...my daughter though more importantly. The issues my ex has with the daughter being around M is fear of her getting hurt. I have always had the belief as has He that we would not bring anyone into her life that was not serious. And We have both been very good in that regards. She has only ever met one other that I've dated and it was genuinely because he and I were friends before and have remained that way since. He's actually married now and has a little one on the way. I know his wife and all that good stuff. So no real regrets of the daughter meeting him. I knew that ultimately he would always be a part of my life so there was no real fear of her getting hurt by getting attached. With M, while we were friends before we got together, she had not met him before. There is not this long repoire.
The issues between him and I make me want to hold back. Is that wrong? I get afraid that if we can't fix what is between us then she could get hurt in all of this. She already knows of him and has talked to him a good bit. She likes him. But what if she gets more attached? If he and I can not make things right...then she will get her hopes up only to have them dashed. I won't even go into the whole "I want a brother" issue. Kids for M and I, while we managed to conceive before and I had not said this aloud until now...I find myself wondering as of late if this...these issues are not the reason bean was taken from us. Harsh I know...but hind sight is always 20/20.
Just a lot of questions and not a whole lot in the way of answers. They will come I guess. Just needing some wisdom or relief at the moment.
Now in the case of M, a lot of hurt has come between us, trust in him and in us has been all but obliterated. It's heart wrenching to say the least. But unlike in the past, he and I do want to make things work. We've both agreed it's what we want, what we both desire and yes...eventually we would like to get back the D/s side of us. Issue there? That's where the break down in trust came and then like dominoes, everything else tumbling after.
The issues I am having is how. How do you go about it? Where do you start? I've impressed upon him that to me a good place to start is begin showing me that his word is what it is. If you say you are going to do something, then do it. Then go from there. Other than that...I seem to be drawing a blank because it's uncharted territory. Then there is the issue of myself, allowing myself to trust again without any reservation. Unlike at the beginning, now there is history there...something for the brain to rely on. So...how do I overcome it? They say you have to forgive and let go. That's so much easier said than done. You can forgive till the cows come home and you think you've let it go but then one little thing happens and it's like ripping the scab off an open would...you find yourself bleeding again.
Another issue I'm also having trouble with is outside of us. My daughter, my family...my daughter though more importantly. The issues my ex has with the daughter being around M is fear of her getting hurt. I have always had the belief as has He that we would not bring anyone into her life that was not serious. And We have both been very good in that regards. She has only ever met one other that I've dated and it was genuinely because he and I were friends before and have remained that way since. He's actually married now and has a little one on the way. I know his wife and all that good stuff. So no real regrets of the daughter meeting him. I knew that ultimately he would always be a part of my life so there was no real fear of her getting hurt by getting attached. With M, while we were friends before we got together, she had not met him before. There is not this long repoire.
The issues between him and I make me want to hold back. Is that wrong? I get afraid that if we can't fix what is between us then she could get hurt in all of this. She already knows of him and has talked to him a good bit. She likes him. But what if she gets more attached? If he and I can not make things right...then she will get her hopes up only to have them dashed. I won't even go into the whole "I want a brother" issue. Kids for M and I, while we managed to conceive before and I had not said this aloud until now...I find myself wondering as of late if this...these issues are not the reason bean was taken from us. Harsh I know...but hind sight is always 20/20.
Just a lot of questions and not a whole lot in the way of answers. They will come I guess. Just needing some wisdom or relief at the moment.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Anger Management Anyone?
Really, that is about how I feel right now. Every day it becomes more and more frustrating because I find myself angry at every turn. Even the daughter is feeling it and my family...well, they are pretty much just staying out of the way.
I find myself angry at myself when I absent-mindedly begin writing a morning email. Or like yesterday, sending the typical lunch time check in. Oooh I got so down right mad at myself. But, it didn't get recognized anyway so I guess I shouldn't really hold a grudge...especially with the inner me lol. I get angry for being angry. They say it's all a natural part of the grieving process. And honestly, I never really gave thought to grieving the loss of domination. But it very much is the same. I go from moments of sadness to anger. I feel a little bit on the schitzo side but, it too will pass. It's just hard finding that silver lining when you're in the thick of things.
I've been considering therapy, just to help deal with the turmoil of emotions. Just hard finding a "kink-friendly" therapist here in the Big Easy. It isn't something that's exactly advertised and I've been in touch with friends in the community here for suggestions and oddly, no one seems to know anyone. So, I very well may have to suck it up and seek counsel with someone of the vanilla variety and pray that they at least can grasp the concept of TTWD enough to NOT commit me to a mental ward lol. Just kidding, any therapist at this point should be ok. It's the fundamentals of what they are there for that need help.
But, we shall see I would guess...
I find myself angry at myself when I absent-mindedly begin writing a morning email. Or like yesterday, sending the typical lunch time check in. Oooh I got so down right mad at myself. But, it didn't get recognized anyway so I guess I shouldn't really hold a grudge...especially with the inner me lol. I get angry for being angry. They say it's all a natural part of the grieving process. And honestly, I never really gave thought to grieving the loss of domination. But it very much is the same. I go from moments of sadness to anger. I feel a little bit on the schitzo side but, it too will pass. It's just hard finding that silver lining when you're in the thick of things.
I've been considering therapy, just to help deal with the turmoil of emotions. Just hard finding a "kink-friendly" therapist here in the Big Easy. It isn't something that's exactly advertised and I've been in touch with friends in the community here for suggestions and oddly, no one seems to know anyone. So, I very well may have to suck it up and seek counsel with someone of the vanilla variety and pray that they at least can grasp the concept of TTWD enough to NOT commit me to a mental ward lol. Just kidding, any therapist at this point should be ok. It's the fundamentals of what they are there for that need help.
But, we shall see I would guess...
Monday, May 2, 2011
The sport of Awkward
I am going to become a pro at that. If they made a new event at the olympics for "Awkward" I would have a pretty good shot at the gold lol.
So it's been 4 days since I did something I never thought I would do. In order to save the rest of M and I's relationship, I withdrew my submission. I know what you're thinking "How in the hell will that save your relationship?" Because we got to a really bad place where D/s is concerned that it was threatening to kill the whole relationship completely. Like...resentment was coming close to turning to hate and that would ultimately end anything he and I have together at all.
It's been awkward and just out right strange. I am finding that after only 2 years of writing daily emails, checking in periodically, defaulting to him to make a decision...they are hard to overcome once ingrained. Every morning I start to write and then I realize what I'm doing and have to tell myself to stop. It's just...different. I am not sure how long this will last but I hope that it allows us the break we evidently needed in order to save what ever is left. I still have issues with trust. And no...not in the sense that I think he's going out screwing someone else. It's more the findamental trust of knowing he will be there when I need him. That hurts to admit, but it's honest. I wasn't asking for all of his time, just simple consideration...my role or not. As subs, we need to feel safe in order to be able to open ourselves up for complete submission. That wasn't happening anymore. He was distant/busy with everything else and I was pulling back into my shell again.
We've also found that sex...is different. With us, even when traveling the vanilla route, there was still an element of his control there. Right now, there really isn't. But along with the control went other forms of connection it would seem. I don't know how to really explain it. It's just off but what is more saddening is the fact that out of every other aspect, it's the only place I feel the loss of control. It's almost like that was the only area any control was left. Scary if you ask me, especially when he and I were supposed to be 24/7.
We'll see though. The floaties are off and now it's up to us to sink or swim. I'm hoping for the best because ultimately...he and I do really love each other. I know that without a doubt. We just need to find a way to fix the issues and move ahead.
So it's been 4 days since I did something I never thought I would do. In order to save the rest of M and I's relationship, I withdrew my submission. I know what you're thinking "How in the hell will that save your relationship?" Because we got to a really bad place where D/s is concerned that it was threatening to kill the whole relationship completely. Like...resentment was coming close to turning to hate and that would ultimately end anything he and I have together at all.
It's been awkward and just out right strange. I am finding that after only 2 years of writing daily emails, checking in periodically, defaulting to him to make a decision...they are hard to overcome once ingrained. Every morning I start to write and then I realize what I'm doing and have to tell myself to stop. It's just...different. I am not sure how long this will last but I hope that it allows us the break we evidently needed in order to save what ever is left. I still have issues with trust. And no...not in the sense that I think he's going out screwing someone else. It's more the findamental trust of knowing he will be there when I need him. That hurts to admit, but it's honest. I wasn't asking for all of his time, just simple consideration...my role or not. As subs, we need to feel safe in order to be able to open ourselves up for complete submission. That wasn't happening anymore. He was distant/busy with everything else and I was pulling back into my shell again.
We've also found that sex...is different. With us, even when traveling the vanilla route, there was still an element of his control there. Right now, there really isn't. But along with the control went other forms of connection it would seem. I don't know how to really explain it. It's just off but what is more saddening is the fact that out of every other aspect, it's the only place I feel the loss of control. It's almost like that was the only area any control was left. Scary if you ask me, especially when he and I were supposed to be 24/7.
We'll see though. The floaties are off and now it's up to us to sink or swim. I'm hoping for the best because ultimately...he and I do really love each other. I know that without a doubt. We just need to find a way to fix the issues and move ahead.
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