It takes 2

I learned over the weekend that a "friend" (and I put it that way because she's the kind that calls when she has drama but you don't hear from her otherwise...fair weathered friend I think my mother called it) has kicked her husband out and has asked for a divorce. Why? Well because he's on his third strike with affairs in the last year. Yep...3. Not 1, not 2 but 3 whole affairs. She found proof of it and finally kicked him to the curb.

But in all of this, it really got me thinking. As many know, I'm divorced. I wasn't lucky enough to have come across any evidence of him cheating and I just was not paranoid enough or really evil enough to hack into email accounts or stalk him by GPSing his phone every 5 minutes. My friend did all of that and more. Now the ex and I would go 6 months or more without any sex. Hell, the last years we were together we went more than 2 years without sex. Sure, I probably should have been the one snooping but I am just not like that. But the lack of sex was not for lack of trying. my lingerie collection at one point could have rivaled Fredrick's of Hollywood and I had more costumes than Party City at halloween. I tried every trick in the book and it always met with "Why are you at the dinner table naked?" "It's not halloween, why are you dressed like that?" "I'm sorry, I am just not in the mood." "Seriously, is sex the only thing on your mind?" Basically...you name the excuse and I can promise I probably have heard it.

Outside of that, I try to make myself presentable...whether with someone or in a relationship and being married for 10 years definitely did not make a difference. I go to the effort of dressing decently, fixing my hair every morning (even if I plan on just working in the yard for the day), wearing makeup when I go out. You know...making myself presentable. Sure, I have days where I get up and I may wear sweatpants or cut off jean shorts. Everyone has dress down days but even on those days I still have some semblence of pride in my appearance. I do that not only for my own sake but I am part of a relationship...I am a representative of every thing we have together. And let's face it...I do it for him just as much as myself. I want to be attractive for M...and that same applied to my ex when we were married.

My way of thinking was that how can he continue to want me if I don't keep myself attractive in some way. I am not by any means small, I am over weight. So...just walking around naked really won't cut it in my head (although M says differently lmao). What if I never took the time to fix my hair or I wore crappy, worn out clothes all the time, even when we went out in public? What if I never bought an attractive piece of lingerie and only ever wore granny panties and horrible old lady bras with no underwire? What if I never wore make up, even when we went out? what if I rejected every advance M made? I ultimately believe M would move on to greener pastures. He certainly is not going to want a slob, much less a slob that rejects him at every turn. I would ultimately expect him to leave. You have to keep the attraction there and put in effort to keep the embers of your sexual life going in order for it to work.

Now, I am not in any way endorsing cheating. It's ultimately wrong and kills a key element to making the relationship work...trust. I've seen many relationships survive an affair though. But it definitely took both busting their ass' to make it work. But! Unless the cheating partner has an addiction to sex, no brains or no conscience (because I do know a couple of people like that)...if you look closely, you can find even something relatively small in which you, the hurt partner, have done something to facilitate it.

It takes 2 to make a relationship work but guess what? It also takes 2 to bring it down too. My friend is one of those who LOVE to play the victim. But...she did not find my "shoulder" very comfortable. She did not get the pity she sought. Yea, he's an ass for what he's done. If you're unhappy, then just leave to spare your partner the ultimate hurt. But my friend is just as much at fault. If I had been in his shoes, I would have left years ago. She really is a selfish person who has no respect for anyone, including herself. The way she's talked to him over the years would embarass even me. She doesn't bother to dress up. I don't know if she even knows what a real brush is, her clothes are so sloppy looking. In all honesty, most of the time she looks like the kind of woman you expect to be living in the ghetto with 20 kids (which she already has 3 with one on the way...and yes it was conceived even though she knew he was cheating) and standing in the welfare line...the kind that believes the government owes them everything and they shouldn't have to work for it. Then to top all of this unattractive behavior, she honestly believes that one only has sex in order to try and conceive. WHAT KIND OF BACK WOODS THINKING IS THAT???

But then she is sitting there saying "I don't know why he cheated?" Like I said, I don't condone it...but in certain cases I can sympathize with how it happens. If you aren't feeding your dog, he's going to jump the fence for a better owner. *Shrugs* You were there and helped make the commitment in the relationship...So it is just as much your duty to keep the other from straying as they are.