Have you ever had to? Learn to trust all over again that is. It isn't easy, if anything I am finding it harder to than when M and I first started out. I have never been one to trust easily. It's always been something that is hard earned but once you have gained it...you HAVE IT. So much so, that I often find it is hard to break once established. But usually when you do break it...well...in the past it's been a complete killjoy. There has never been any coming back. But then, I don't think anyone's ever really TRIED either.
Now in the case of M, a lot of hurt has come between us, trust in him and in us has been all but obliterated. It's heart wrenching to say the least. But unlike in the past, he and I do want to make things work. We've both agreed it's what we want, what we both desire and yes...eventually we would like to get back the D/s side of us. Issue there? That's where the break down in trust came and then like dominoes, everything else tumbling after.
The issues I am having is how. How do you go about it? Where do you start? I've impressed upon him that to me a good place to start is begin showing me that his word is what it is. If you say you are going to do something, then do it. Then go from there. Other than that...I seem to be drawing a blank because it's uncharted territory. Then there is the issue of myself, allowing myself to trust again without any reservation. Unlike at the beginning, now there is history there...something for the brain to rely on. So...how do I overcome it? They say you have to forgive and let go. That's so much easier said than done. You can forgive till the cows come home and you think you've let it go but then one little thing happens and it's like ripping the scab off an open would...you find yourself bleeding again.
Another issue I'm also having trouble with is outside of us. My daughter, my family...my daughter though more importantly. The issues my ex has with the daughter being around M is fear of her getting hurt. I have always had the belief as has He that we would not bring anyone into her life that was not serious. And We have both been very good in that regards. She has only ever met one other that I've dated and it was genuinely because he and I were friends before and have remained that way since. He's actually married now and has a little one on the way. I know his wife and all that good stuff. So no real regrets of the daughter meeting him. I knew that ultimately he would always be a part of my life so there was no real fear of her getting hurt by getting attached. With M, while we were friends before we got together, she had not met him before. There is not this long repoire.
The issues between him and I make me want to hold back. Is that wrong? I get afraid that if we can't fix what is between us then she could get hurt in all of this. She already knows of him and has talked to him a good bit. She likes him. But what if she gets more attached? If he and I can not make things right...then she will get her hopes up only to have them dashed. I won't even go into the whole "I want a brother" issue. Kids for M and I, while we managed to conceive before and I had not said this aloud until now...I find myself wondering as of late if this...these issues are not the reason bean was taken from us. Harsh I know...but hind sight is always 20/20.
Just a lot of questions and not a whole lot in the way of answers. They will come I guess. Just needing some wisdom or relief at the moment.
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