The sport of Awkward

I am going to become a pro at that. If they made a new event at the olympics for "Awkward" I would have a pretty good shot at the gold lol.

So it's been 4 days since I did something I never thought I would do. In order to save the rest of M and I's relationship, I withdrew my submission. I know what you're thinking "How in the hell will that save your relationship?" Because we got to a really bad place where D/s is concerned that it was threatening to kill the whole relationship completely. Like...resentment was coming close to turning to hate and that would ultimately end anything he and I have together at all.

It's been awkward and just out right strange. I am finding that after only 2 years of writing daily emails, checking in periodically, defaulting to him to make a decision...they are hard to overcome once ingrained. Every morning I start to write and then I realize what I'm doing and have to tell myself to stop. It's just...different. I am not sure how long this will last but I hope that it allows us the break we evidently needed in order to save what ever is left. I still have issues with trust. And no...not in the sense that I think he's going out screwing someone else. It's more the findamental trust of knowing he will be there when I need him. That hurts to admit, but it's honest. I wasn't asking for all of his time, just simple consideration...my role or not. As subs, we need to feel safe in order to be able to open ourselves up for complete submission. That wasn't happening anymore. He was distant/busy with everything else and I was pulling back into my shell again.

We've also found that sex...is different. With us, even when traveling the vanilla route, there was still an element of his control there. Right now, there really isn't. But along with the control went other forms of connection it would seem. I don't know how to really explain it. It's just off but what is more saddening is the fact that out of every other aspect, it's the only place I feel the loss of control. It's almost like that was the only area any control was left. Scary if you ask me, especially when he and I were supposed to be 24/7.

We'll see though. The floaties are off and now it's up to us to sink or swim. I'm hoping for the best because ultimately...he and I do really love each other. I know that without a doubt. We just need to find a way to fix the issues and move ahead.