Over the last couple of weeks a myriad of topics to write on have come up, some that I had intended on writing about. To be honest, my mind has been filled with other thoughts and concerns. The main source of those is an issue I am not ready to publicly talk about but, it’s been trying in the sense that it’s had both M and I off. No, not off balance as far as our relationship. If truth be told, every day we find ourselves closer than I think either of us ever imagined being. He really is everything to me and what an incredible feeling to know he completely fills me, owns me in every sense of the word. He's become a solid rock in which we've been discussing building a family on. Yea, I know right? But if all truths be told, there is absolutely no one who could ever take his place. So no no, our relationship is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and I could not ever have hoped for more.
When I say off, it’s taken some control out of his hands leaving him almost squandering around on the subject which in turn takes me off balance because there is nothing I can do to give him back that control. Or so I thought. I made a post here recently about the need to be completely used, to be hurt, to be subjected to the lowest level of submission. While it has been part of my journey to discover the depths of my submission and desire to be everything M wants me to be, the last few days it has struck me that perhaps it is even more. Those feelings have not abated, in fact they’ve increased over the passing days. They’ve increased with the situation at hand. At one point, earlier today I began wondering if perhaps I’d somehow developed an addiction. I just could not figure out why, I even contemplated that it could be a direct result of the situation he and I are handling.
That I believe is where my mind began to function properly. As the days have worn on, my mind has been able to focus on everything that’s been going on. I’ve been able to discuss things at length with M and it was during one of my breaking moments where I was all but drooling, panting, wet pantied and virtually telling him things that no proper lady would ever dare speak about that it hit me. He made a comment “I like being able to use you when and where I want.” Yes, I’ve heard that before and it is so very true. I am fully his to be used as he needs but it struck a chord this time in my mind. We continued our talk, me finding that need to be subservient, to be…well…to put it bluntly, to be used as nothing more than a cunt growing exponentially.
Before I state my conclusion, I need to make it perfectly clear that yes…where M is concerned I always have and always will have an insatiable desire. He has this beautiful ability to take me there and all it takes most of the time is him just entering the room. He’s every fantasy I’ve ever had, ever could have and inspires all that will ever come.
But I came to the conclusion that perhaps it is all about control. We all do things subconsciously at times as an automatic response. It’s like your reflexes, the Doctor hits your knee in the right spot and your leg jumps right? Well, for a submissive, serving our Masters is very much the same way. It becomes reflexive. Doesn’t mean they become predictable (lord knows My Enigmatic Devil will NEVER be anything close to predictable) but our eagerness to serve becomes programmed. Often, they say do and our brains reach a point where we just do without even inwardly questioning it. It happens when we become truly comfortable with ourselves and the relationship we are in that we allow our submission to become second nature much like breathing.
Now, I am not talking about taking things for granted. With the amount of separation that M and I have dealt with and are still dealing with, it is rather hard to become complacent or take for granted either of our positions. I am talking about that response that comes out of no where, without thought until after it happens and we question “Did I just do that?” Could it very possibly be that perhaps it is my way of trying to give him the control back...subconsciously. Of course, I never ever have to have a reason to give anything up to M, he doesn't even have to ask...it's all his. But the thought did occur to me that perhaps that seemingly overriding need to have him objectify me, to push me down further than I've ever gone, to hurt me...maybe, just maybe my mind was reasoning that it was something he can control.
Maybe I am wrong and it's just that need to feel that level of submission but let's be honest here. I have already stated my thoughts of slave hood and if you want brutal honesty, I already am very much his slave. I don't have a choice anymore and really don't want it. I need him the way we need oxygen, food and water to survive. Without him, my world would collapse because he has become my world. I know that and so does he. So, I do not think that is really a factor. He has absolute control and I would not have it any other way. But since his trip, we both had a drop from hell and then finally started to feel normal when this newest issue popped up. There are a lot of things that have been out of his control. No, I know that it is not my fault but being the person I am...his happiness, his being at ease is paramount. If it is within my power, without question I willingly give it to him.
*Shrugs* I don't have the answer and this was simply a musing. I know that no matter what, he and I will come through everything thrown in front of us better and stronger. We have to date. In 10 months, we've gone from a very shaky start to a force to be reckoned with, one built of built of steel (with some batman underoos and a cape to go with it).
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