I've been left to my own devices tonight as M had coffee he wanted to attend. It left me to do some things I've been meaning to catch up on, like meditation and a really LONG hot bath. But for the first time in a long time I allowed my mind to just travel at will. Generally this would scare me because one never knows what a wicked mind may turn up. **Warning, this may be a long journey. Please keep all hands and feet inside of the vehicle at all times and remain safely seated until the ride has come to a full stop**
My journey began with M and everything about him, it went over where we are now and the trials we face today to over the trials and tribulations we've faced over the last 10 months...almost a year. When looking back, even reading through my journal here, there were times that the thought of us actually making it were questionable. But instead of ruining, due to our determination to get past and yes...we are extremely alike in that regards, both little pit bulls unwilling to admit defeat or be bested by the outside forces, We have found ourselves solid in our resolves to each other. But my mind did not stop there, instead it pulled at a conversation that M and I have had numerous times here recent. A conversation that was spurred by Mouse's post on Alpha. As some of you may know either from being there or from reading, my first dominant was very similar.But previously, I had not really made the connection in names between Alpha and Omega, until that post. It set my little wheels spinning and they quite frankly have not stopped.
Tonight my mind went over that, went over the painful past (M...no need to worry, I am ok. I promise) and it got stuck on something I had said in the post where I went over my relationship with my first. Three things glared at me, like...REALLY stuck out and beckoned to be investigated. Of course curiosity killed the cat but as M knows, I'm not so easily put off when I get stuck on something. The first puzzle piece was the comment I made to M about him, in so many ways, was my Alpha and Omega. (Stop you're bickering and let me explain...please.) The second puzzle piece was that post where I had mentioned that there were similarities between M and the first and the last piece being M's uncanny similarities to my Dad. I love puzzles so I began picking things apart and separating them into little piles. So, I will start at the beginning. My Dad. As I've posted before, one of the greatest men I know. He started me on my journey in life long before I even realized where I was going. I had no concept of TTWD growing up and did not realize until much later that my parents unwittingly were active participants. My Dad was HOH, King of the Hill, The final decision...you name it, my mother and us girls all bowed to him without question or misgiving. Without sounding like an absolute perv, forgive me when I say that he was in essence the very first Dom in my life. He very much shaped me into the person I am today and set me off in life with his seemingly unendless supply of wisdom and a very confusing tip as to where I would end up. He also passed on his love of rock music and introduced me at an early age to heavy concerts.
So, hit fast forward years later. The night before the first Thanksgiving after my Dad's death, I went to a 3 Doors Down concert with a friend of mine. 12 Stones and Shinedown were the opening acts. (Note that at the time Shinedown had one single, 45, released the week before. No one knew who they were.) I was introduced to my friend's boyfriend at the time, Mike. He and I instantly hit it off, while my friend loved music...she did not share our absolute love for music. A comment was made by him during Shinedown performing. He said that they would really go somewhere and make an impact on the music industry. Funny thing is I completely agreed and admitted I had no clue who they were but was already head over heels. They sung a song that struck a chord with me and altered a lot for me...Fly From The Inside. But through two breakups (my own and his with my friend), we remained friends and somewhere it crossed the line. He became the one to introduce me to the world of D/s and all of the lovely and not so lovely things that could be found within. Oddly, the night we ended...he had .45 playing when I tore the contract up in his face. (Yes, I listened to that song tonight and perhaps for the first time in a very long time allowed myself to actually really pay attention to the weight of those lyrics.)
Now again, hit fast forward a few more years. One night, well over a year ago(probably even almost 2yrs) while role playing online a friend of mine informed me by private IM that the guy I was RPing with was her boyfriend. (Now, just so you know...I remember so many things in my life to music. Just the way my brain works I guess and M knows this.) During the length of the RP, two songs mingled in on my player...Save Me and Fly From The Inside both of course from Shinedown. Yea...creepy I know. I gave it no stock and would never imagine that this guy would eventually become one of my closest friends or that I would be one of the people he'd tell of beginning his own journey into D/s. From the get go there was an instant respect for each other and we'd discover later that we also shared the same affection for music. I did not learn of his like for Shinedown until one night we were talking and some one's profile had the lyrics for "The Sound of Madness" in it. I remember him poking fun at the guy and simply stating the guy was wrong for putting the song in there as he apparently did not meet the song's lyrical ingenious. But, as with Mike, I was there for his breakup with my friend...which oddly enough she was very much like the other friend. What is even scarier was the similarities in offset in their couples picture and even he and Mike shared some physical similarities. Either way, after many discussions and contemplation (at least on my part), M and I decided to test the waters...experiment if you will.
Months later, I found myself well past the stage of "experimenting" and will fully admit my heart was falling head first for M. I was dealing with coming to grips with that emotion when my sisters and friend informed me of the upcoming Shinedown Concert. Oddly, it too was right before Thanksgiving by two weeks. I went, much to the dismay of M because he could not be there, and all but cried when the song "If you only knew" was played. The words Brent Smith (the lead singer for you non-shinedown friendly people <3) spoke before they played it rang true and touched a deep part of me that I didn't think could be reached. He had wrote the song for his girlfriend and daughter, who'd he been away from for some time and their relationship had hit the rocks. He said that no matter what the cost, we'd go through hell for the ones we love and for the men present or listening, they needed to let the woman in their lives know exactly what they meant to them. Funny because it was a topic M and I had been discussing. As anyone following knows, M was not always open. He kept himself guarded, closely so and for a very long time I did not understand why. But, that song, from the first time hearing it reminded me of him...because even now, it is "If you only knew how much I love you or the ends I would go to for you." He never returned my letters, but there were posts and emails that were not discussed.
But with all things, life comes full circle...even in music. Finally, after waiting what seemed to be an eternity, he and I got our chance to be face to face. I found myself choking on those words "If you only knew" only because I only thought I knew just what he meant to me or where he would take me. From the moment I saw him, every puzzle piece fell into place save three. The first fell into place on Friday, March 12th. I stepped out of line and he gave me a look. Just a look but had you grown up in my house, you'd understand. My dad's been gone 7 years, it made 7 years on March 23rd. Growing up he had this look he would give when we acted up and seriously...you became scared and immediately apologized, all but grovelling at his feet. M achieved that very look. The second piece fell on Saturday, March 13th. A lingering doubt and continuous issue between us popped up unexpectedly. I left the room and had I not forgotten the key, I would have left the location of our B & B. Someone was watching because I did forget the key and he did the one thing I didn't expect...He came after me. In very few words, he saved me...he saved us. The third piece fell on the 14th, standing in the airport. After a very tearful goodbye for both of us, I watched him leave to get on a plane. He kissed me good bye, wiped my tears and left with the biggest part of me...but with his tears, he left a part of himself with me. (Oddly, this could be more true than we know but time will tell.)
I made the comment that he is my Alpha and Omega. While I know he did not start me on my journey, he is the end for me. Only one other person had been a superhero to me. That was my Dad, he was superman in my eyes. He started me on my path without realizing it. He was the original Alpha. But years and many many bumps, bruises and bobos later, I met someone who is uncannily like him. M may not have been there from the beginning but in so many ways...he was without knowing. In the way I was raised, to the love of music my family gave me (more importantly my love for rock that My Dad gave me), to the songs I heard, to the hard lessons learned...they all pointed me to the beginning, the end and the only other superhero I've ever met....Batman.
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