Insecurities

**Warning, this will probably not flow as well as it should but...forgive me. I have to try to clear my head, get this out so that I can at least attempt to get back to center.**

In a matter of days now, M will be here. As in, for the first time in our almost 9 month old relationship, we will be face to face without a computer or phone in between us. I should be ecstatic. Don't get me wrong, I am. We've both waited a long time for this and I wouldn't trade this for the world. But by the same time, I am now feeling more insecure and scared than I ever have before. I have been told it's normal. It's been these very insecurities, worries if you will, that have led to me doing a lot of thinking and reflection. Probably more than I should but some of the thoughts they've inspired are no less legit. They are concerns that probably should have come up before but, while they did in some manner, they just got pushed to the side.

These issues have been brought up to M, so he's aware of them. A little too aware really. Once I expunged all of those concerns, it has left me feeling incredibly empty. I wasn't able to really explain it until now...but the best, even more correct, way to put it is it's left me feeling more vulnerable than I ever have before. I've laid it all at his feet and the desire to pull the preverbial robe over me is incredibly strong. It's been made worse by the fact that now I fear it's changed the relationship, us in some way. I fear it may have changed how he feels about me and how he will handle me. On the last part, it's already happened. He has seemed to handle me with kid gloves...gone is the drop of "love" or "baby" and it's now strictly little one. Which, don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore being his little one and I usually smile when he calls me that (huge change from being just "girl"). But by the same...the distance or apprehension isn't what I either. I don't want or need gun shy, or even worse...pulling back.

For the first time in our relationship, I find myself at times wishing I had said nothing. That's not exactly a great thing to think when you're a submissive. But...it's something in my head. None of the concerns have really been discussed, which has added I think to the that feeling of being "alone" that I've been experiencing. I'm dealing with a lot of blaming myself, feeling incredibly disconnected...to the point that the last two days have been spent crying at the drop of a dime for no reason. It's like being in a sudden and self imposed drop. Which, I guess in many ways it is. I released everything that had been eating at me and finally came to a head. He commented that I needed an emotional break, I've had that. And perhaps in some ways I need another to cleanse this feeling of "nothingness" I've been battling.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am looking at taking the next step and I am fully aware where this could land me. I know with everything that I am that I love him more than I thought possible. He isn't just a Master or Dominant to me. He started as a friend, someone I had already trusted, someone who had held my hand through 2 cancer scares and the death of my grandmother. The transition to calling him Master was incredibly Natural. We said it would just be one step at a time and a trial of sorts. Almost 9 months later, I find he's become home for me. By home, he's where my heart is. He's not just Master or Sir, he's my security blanket when I'm scared, he's my savior when I need saving, the shoulder I cry on when I can't hold it back anymore, the ear that listens to me bitch about the little things...pretty much everything all wrapped up in this incredible package. It's a package that means more to me than there are words to express those feelings...and to be frank, I am scared I will or am losing it.

Should I feel like this? Probably not, but sometimes it's not so easy to read. There are a million reasons as to why he could choose to walk. The road ahead is not so perfectly clear...but is it ever for anyone? The other night, when all of this started, I put him a very uncomfortable place. He felt out of control and it's my fault. I know that and really, there is no reason he should forgive me...really it's just one more reason he has for walking. All I can do there is pray he doesn't. I know he can not just cure all, but really...a lot of this only he can solve. I can only get myself so far. I was stupid for having thought I could solve this without him...I guess it was that last piece of struggle that we all must go through. Either way, I need him to push, to reassure...basically to help fix this. More than anything, I need to be reminded where things stand for him where we are concerned. He asked me last night "How can I help?" My response at the time had been "Make it better." It had not been a very clear answer then because I couldn't put a lot into words. Hopefully this will help make it a little more clear...

Master, I am so incredibly sorry for my own short comings. I will work on that. I know that come Thursday...a lot of who we are will be reinforced. But I can only ask that you not pull back, that you not go easy. You pushing is what keeps me where I should be. Yes, there are issues that need to be dealt with. I just...have to have faith that this is as important to you as it is to me. I really do not want our time together to be overcast by doubts and insecurities. But...I am doing what I should have done from the get go. It is all at your feet...do with it what you will.