Startling Discoveries

If you are allergic to sappy blog posts, you may want to just move on to the next blog. I have some things in my head that need to be aired so that perhaps I can wrap my head around them. And yes...this is probably going to be a long one so if you're staying...I'd suggest grabbing a drink and popcorn from the concession stand...maybe even a box of candy too.

As we all know, I discovered the lifestyle well before M. It was a rough adjustment ditching the ideals that the world today builds up and those that I had misconstrued as a child. Growing up as a teen, Woman's lib really began to take form and rear it's ugly head. They began teaching us girls that we had to be strong, independent women. "Never EVER depend on a man for anything." Now...growing up in my household, that was a foreign notion for the most part. My mother was a professional homemaker aka "A stay at home mom." This was deemed by my Dad. His belief was that is where the woman should be, at home making sure the children and home were taken care of. As we got older, the burden of the household chores were lightened as some were passed down to us kids. Once I hit the age of 14, old enough to baby sit after school, my mom ventured outside of the home and on a part time basis began working here and there...when Dad allowed of course. Me, being the oldest of 5 girls, the most headstrong and definitely the most independent of the kids could not really grasp why. Why did Dad insist on making her so dependent? More importantly, why did she just go with the flow and allow it? I swore I was going to go to college, get an education and would see to it that situation never happened.

Once I hit my senior year, Dad through a wrench into the cog of life. He sat me down for a talk. He told me outright, I had two options. Go to college and make something of myself or go into the military. No matter my choice he would support me, was proud of the woman I was quickly becoming and wanted me to become a strong woman who never HAD to depend on anyone if I didn't want to. Now...imagine my confusion then. I was expecting "Find a man" or "It's OK if you decide to get married and be a stay at home mom"...anything but what he told me. I asked him why then and his words were "You're smart and you'll understand it later on." This is a man, who despite me being confused as to why he made my mom so dependent, was by far the most intelligent person I knew. He really was "God" in our house. All 5 of us girls had more respect for him than was humanly possible...and even though he passed 6 years ago, he still very much is the most awesome guy I've ever known. In my eyes, he walked on water. But at that time, I gave him the WTF? look and even asked him again...why ? He gave me one of his favorite replies of "Because I said so." (Call me weird but there always was this cool way he said that and "Because I can" with this shit eating grin and tone that surely looking back...was the Devil's lol)

But, I took his words and held them close. I went to college, got an education and while I am struggling to make ends meet, I am for the most part independent. I held onto the head strong, stubborn ways that we all learned so well from him. I went through a marriage that failed (yea...that smarted because failure was never an option...it's a Virgo trait). I still did not understand his words. Sure I was educated but it still did not get me anywhere. There was a part missing and I could never place my finger on it. Then three years ago, I met Michael. He shared my Dad's name...and while some things were the same, he was so NOT my Dad lol. But he did get me set on the right road. He introduced me to the world of BDSM (something that I had become interested in during my marriage) and soon to follow, the world of Domination & submission. You all know the story there so I won't bother you again with the details but even still, there was something still missing. During that time I did begin to comprehend what I had seen growing up and of course why things were the way they were between the parents. The only issue being I still could not grasp that level of "submission" my mother had towards my Dad. I could not possibly understand why a woman would completely walk away from independence and "equality" to be THAT subservient to a man.

Enter stage left...Ricke. Between him and good friends of mine, my training was completed as a Submissive and partly...a Slave. It was here that I truly began seeing, more importantly understanding the whys. I began to truly comprehend that while independence was all fine and dandy, there was something beautiful in submission...something Michael failed to show. He was very much a "Me Me Me and NEVER you" Dom. As you've read in earlier posts, Ricke and I did grow apart and I came to a point where my growing with him stopped. Being the gracious man he is, he set me free. I came to see that I wanted more out of a D/s relationship. I wanted the 24/7 TPE, Dominant and Submissive life and it was not something he wanted. That's ok. I continued learning, became well read and moved on. The issue there was, I did not know if I would ever be able to reach the same level of devotion and submission my mom had for my Dad. I knew I wanted something "similar" but can say now that at the time...it scared me and I still had not really come to fully understand or appreciate it. I just knew that I wanted...more.

Here's where the startling discovery comes in. If you've been following along, you all know that 9 months ago I gave my submission to M. It started as an experiment, something to test the waters. He was just coming into the lifestyle. I was experienced and had been trained and even still so many said "OMG J...be careful." And I was, I was cautious. I even subconsciously put up every wall I could find around the core of who I was. I treated it just as we had said...an experiment. I was reserved, well behaved but still reserved. Then he began to push and pull. Despite my resolve, I began giving in little by little...even without realizing it. He proved time and time again that he was a natural, more importantly, that he was more "knowledgeable" than he even realized. Like Mike, he had the advantage of having been a friend first. But unlike Mike, he had a touch...a way of getting inside and turning everything I thought I knew upside down. Within months, he had broken down every single barrier I had put up and was reaching parts of me I didn't even know existed. He began turning lights on that I wasn't sure I wanted turned on.

Under his tutelage I soon found myself falling head over heels for him. But, he scared me...to death. I was like the opium addict and he was quickly proving to be the perfect Opium Den. He was not easy to read and it intrigued me, quiet and reserved, never overly emotional. Always cool, calm and collected. There was still something about him, a way about him that was so familiar that frayed every edge to my sanity because I could not for the longest understand or put my finger on as to what it was. That came a few months ago when I asked him why to something and his response was "Because I said so." That literally stopped me dead in my tracks. He was not in front of me but I heard the sadistic grin in his voice. Yea...my knees did instantly go weak...I'm sick like that lol. I tried like hell to put it out of my head and went about my business...but it still got me. Over time, the similarities became...astounding. It was creepy if truth be told. Creepier even though that he was pushing me towards a level of submission that I wasn't sure I was ready for.

Before his trip here, I began to understand exactly where I was and what I felt. At least I thought I was understanding. I had come to the conclusion that I wanted to give all to him, that it was his hand I wanted guiding me. My independence was slowly fading, the stubborn and head strong girl I once had been was growing into someone new. I found myself often contemplating and wanting to be the one taking care of home and more importantly him. I told him as much. Yes, he always replied in like saying it was what he wanted as well. That he loved me and while it touched the very core of me every time he said it...there was still this...doubt, this fear. There was still one hurdle to overcome...myself. I was still so very afraid of losing myself. (Yes, this part is a repeat but it's part of what needs to come out so just indulge me for a few.)

Then he arrived. All of my fears were confirmed and overcome in one moment. He walked through the airport gate and had this smile that completely lit up every dark night I have had and ever will have. The first thought in my head was...This is home. After 9 long months of struggling and pushing away, there was no pushing. He wrapped his arms around me and life took on a new meaning. In that moment, there was no doubt...I was completely lost in him but I wasn't scared. It was really rather...natural. There was only one hiccup, not by his doing but...he didn't miss a beat and made sure to let me know exactly where we stood and how he felt. Otherwise, I came to the full understanding as to why my mother gave into my dad. Why she so easily bent to his will and loved him so much more for it. In the span of a few days, I found that level and honestly it isn't as scary as I thought. Instead it is more than I ever could wish or hope for. There isn't any part of me that could hide from M, even if I wanted to. There isn't any length I would not go to in order to serve him or place inside of me I would not reach if it meant he wanted it.

It is an awe inspiring place. One that most submissives dream of or fear the most. In losing myself, I found home and a savior. There's a name for it...it's M. My Dad made me become the woman I am, made me discover the deepest parts of me so that when I did finally find what he knew I would find...I'd appreciate it. The only regret there is that he isn't here for me to thank personally. I'll get that chance one day but until then...Hopefully, if M is willing...I will spend the rest of that time growing into the woman my Dad knew I could be. Thank you Dad...And for M...Thank you for leaving me speechless so often.

"Speechless" by The Veronicas

Feels like I have always known you
And I swear I dreamt about you
All those endless nights I was alone
It's like I've spent forever searching
Now I know that it was worth it
With you it feels like I am finally home

Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life

'Cause you leave me speechless
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
Can't help but surrender
My everything to you

I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no

Falling head over heels
Thought I knew how it feels
But with you it's like the first day of my life

You leave me speechless
When you talk to me
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender
Oh no
My everything to you

You leave me speechless
(the way you smile, the way you touch my face)
You leave me breathless
(it's something that you do I can't explain)
I run a million miles just to hear you say my name
Baby

You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender
My everything to you