Well, today started off good. I woke in a good mood for the second day in a row. Amazing, I know. But just as with yesterday, I quickly found myself sitting there going WTF? I did pretty good just brushing it off and not letting it get to me but I guess my resolve isn't as solid as I'd like it to be. Again, I am sitting here in the evening going from one emotion to the next. I've even turned my phone off...yea, I know. Surprising being it never goes off, always too afraid of getting in trouble.
Let's just get to sorting out the "muck" in my head shall we? Just a warning, this will be all over the place as my head is really working to concentrate on one thing but I have to empty this stuff out.
The last 24 hours, well a little more. It's really been since yesterday mid-day I'd guess but does it really matter? I was asked last night if I was OK...and at the time, I was. I was actually talking to him. I say it that way because well, for a while now it's been much of the same...a whole lot of NOT talking. We say a few things "in passing" for the most part during the day and then I get my usual phone call at night that lasts about 30, sometimes 40 minutes. In those minutes, we don't really discuss much of anything anymore. We joke about whatever, talk about other people's relationships...but sadly the time is never used constructively on us. That's pretty much fell by the way side or I get "Well I figured we could discuss it when I'm there." If everything gets pushed to then...there won't really be any time to just sit and enjoy each other. I can pretty much assume we won't always be locked up in the room, we already know we will have company one night. So the question is...why does it have to wait? Why do we keep pushing it off? Why not discus it when it comes up and be done with it? I won't even say what my initial response to those questions are.
Then there is the subject of pushing. I meant it when I said it wasn't meant just sexually. It comes back to the topic of tasks. By tasks, I do not mean protocol. My daily emails are protocol, always being available is protocol...addressing you as Sir or Master is protocol. I am scared to death that in our "comfort" we've become lax...and we have. As of late, I've gotten to the point of thinking "Why am I asking because I know I won't get a response." Do you realize how that hurts?? Then I immediately mentally slap myself for even thinking it. But...I can't constantly blame myself or feel bad, I won't. I understand you are busy with school. But I don't ask for a lot of time...matter of fact I never ask. Why? Because between school, SL and whatever else...I find myself saying I don't want to intrude. Am I supposed to feel like that? I don't think so. I know...you say "You're fine." But I don't ever feel like I am. I love you and I have no doubts that you love me. But the cold hard reality is we are miles apart. I don't get to spend time with you...instead I have to wait. I won't ask for your time...but just once it would be nice to hear "Don't make any plans because I just want it to be us this evening." I've brought up the things in SL, learning and such in hopes it might motivate you...but as with everything else I am going it alone and then reporting it to you later.
Last night you brought up the fact that I no longer go to munches. I told you I don't go because I just got to a point that I always felt I was going alone and feeling the odd man out. It's only part of the problem. I understand there is nothing there...but you never talk anymore of things you're reading. You never bring up lifestyle discussions anymore. I've made mention of it before and got "I still read" but...I thought we were supposed to be growing together. I don't do it because I've gotten into this rut of feeling that I am doing all this learning but yet it feels useless because...when I've tried to discuss it...you are wrapped up doing your own thing. It feels lonely.Either I am learning alone or...well I don't even want to really think about "or" It isn't really a healthy thought for either of us and just feeds the doubts that have come up before.
I meant what I said in my email...I am proud of the things you're accomplishing and I've watched you become more confident in your dominance. But in that confidence...things are getting let go, things that could destroy everything we both have worked hard to build over the last 8 months. I love you way to much to just let it ride. Like I said, I don't doubt for a second that you love me or what I mean to you...just sometimes it feels like you let go and that scares the crap out of me.In less than 3 weeks you'll be here and I can not wait for that...but I don't want to waste the little time you have here fixing problems. I want it to be the next stepping stone in our relationship that leads to bigger and better ones.
Without your Dominance, I am not a submissive and without you I am not quite whole anymore...
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