The past two days, well the past week has been dreary with unseasonably cold weather. Today, took the cake when snow fell for the 4th time this year. In Southeast Louisiana, that isn't all that common and even less likely this late in the winter season. But sadly, these cloud riddled, wet, cold and just plain nasty days have hindered my ability to really focus on what is important. I've felt off and even at times, have found myself pulling back into myself which is never a good thing for a submissive. Typically I don't allow myself to sink this far but something here recently brought up thoughts and memories that I thought had been dealt with and buried...I am guessing perhaps I am wrong. Or is it perhaps the fact that I find myself at a thresh hold again with the fear of every "what if" known to man gripping my heart and threatening to imobilize me? Doesn't really matter I would guess, the important thing is I get this out so that M will know how to properly address and deal with.
As I've said before, well over 3 years ago now I entered my first D/s relationship. The relationship did not start that way, he was dating a friend of mine and oddly enough we hit it off from the get go. We quickly became good friends and sadly, he and my friend ended up breaking up. Now before you go there, NO there was nothing there while they dated. Or even immediately after to be honest. We remained friends for almost a year, I saw him through a few breakups, being shipped to Iraq and the death of a good friend and he saw me through a divorce. We became a comfort to each other through more than our fair share of ups and downs. All it took was one night, out with a group of friends and a little bit of alcohol for that to change though. We chalked the night up to fate and decided to see where it took us. We were together for about 3 months when he began slowly working BDSM into our sex life and perhaps a month after, he sat me down and introduced the idea of D/s relationships. Was I scared? HELL YES I was! I had no clue how to take it but, was open enough to explore it.
A few munches, a lot of reading and a few scenes later and I was hooked. Never before had I felt that kind of pull towards something. We had been right that night, it had been fate. I learned over the course of a few weeks that he had been into this lifestyle for years by this point, having trained several submissives and slaves. He even admitted that is how he had met my friend (talk about an eye opener lol). It took me all of 2 months to decide and feel comfortable enough to approach him and request his dominance. I was ecstatic as all new subs are and completely gung ho. I was rewarded with a training collar and a contract to seal the deal. I was his and I was happy for it.
The next 8 months of my life were basically a rollercoaster, with beautiful highs and rough lows. I put everything I had into his molding me, into becoming the submissive he wanted and could be proud of. He was incredibly patient, affectionate at times to the point of tears and more loving than anyone I had ever been with up to that point. In my eyes, he was Adonis perched atop the pedastal I had placed him on. He pushed and comforted me past limits that had terrified me. He constantly broke me only to build me back up better and stronger. He helped me find out who I truly was. But even the tallest, strongest tower will still topple and ours did...just not the way one would think.
It all began one night just before dinner. (Forgive me now as this is where I am having to force myself to continue...if graphic details turn your stomach, then please leave as this needs to be dealt with.) He came in early, I was at his place cooking dinner as usual when I did not have my daughter. Protocol required I meet him at the door and dinner should be on the table or at least in the process when he came in. I strived to meet that but on days he came hope early, it was never an issue...it was a situation beyond either of our control. He did not see it that way and it earned me a back hand. The first one I'd ever gotten from him. I got the speel of how worthless I was, how lazy I'd become. By this point in our relationship, I knew when to speak up and when not...or at least I thought so. I just nodded and said my "Yes sirs" then went back to cooking.
He had other plans. He had been rough with me before, of course he had. We had become accustomed to practicing BDSM on a regular basis. I'd been whipped, flogged, paddled, humiliated...you get the point. But never, and I mean NEVER had he been like he was that night. He forced me over the back of the couch and took what was his but, this time it was different. There was no comfort in the pain, no regard for me in any way, apparently none for himself as it had to have been like masterbating with sand paper. He actually pulled out before he finished, let me fall to the floor and left me to go shower. I should have left then but in my mind I figured I had messed up, this was punishment. What was worse was it was pushing a limit that at the time I had not been comfortable with attempting...consensual non-consent. Instead of listening to the small voice nagging in the back of my head, I cleaned myself up and finished dinner.
When he returned from the back, it was as if everything was fine. He was back to being the Master I knew and had come to love. It remained that way for about two weeks, maybe a little more. But then the harsh person I'd seen that night became a regular drop in guest in our house. Without being given a clear reason, my physical punishments became more frequent. More often than not my bottom was a perpetual bruise. My hair that he forbid me to cut became a handle for him to yank me by when he wanted my attention. He rarely called me girl anymore, his words had become cruel. I was generally told at least several times a day how I was useless and was lucky he kept me at all. But again, it was like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute it was the Master I knew and the next he became this cold, hard psycho path. I hate to say it but I honestly am at a loss of words when trying to describe it. One thing that was always a constant though since that one night was how I was denied his own release. Sure, we had sex but he always stopped before he reached completion and sadly...I was generally denied as well...
On a saturday night, he ordered me to come to his house for 8pm. He gave me detailed instructions on what to wear, how my hair was to be fixed, what I was to bath with...you name it and he had thought of it. He was always VERY thurough, not that I minded in the least as it helped as he trained me. I arrived promptly on time, greeted him as I should. I was then told to strip. Never wanting to disappoint, I did as was told. He led me to his bedroom (mind you it had stopped being O/our room as I was no longer allowed to sleep with him). For the first time in a very long time, I was excited to see the suspension system up, my engraved leather cuffs laying atop the bed and matching collar laying near by. He adorned my neck as he usually did before a scene, lovingly kissing my neck and shoulders. He asked me to remember how much he loved me and how he always wanted me with him. I was his and he could not imagine life without me. Perhaps I should have known then to run.
He finished it up with fastening my wrist and ankle cuffs then led me to the chains that dangled from the track system he had installed when we first started our journey. My wrists were fashioned above me, a spreader bar fastened to my ankle cuffs. He kissed both of my eyes before putting the blindfold on...something he did every time he used it. He whispered loving words in my ears before inserting the plugs into my ears. Then nothing... Yep, nothing. For almost an hour I was left there, my finger tips started to tingle from the elevation. I was becoming fatigued and my ability to remain quiet was reaching it's limit. Do you know what it's like to be without sight or hearing for that long? I began questioning if he was coming back. I remained calm only for so long before the panic began rising. I became out right scared and the only thing in my head was the book "Gerald's Game" by Stephen King. Just before I called out, his touch returned. I literally broke into sobs.
He released me and brought me to the bed where he consoled me for a few moments. He said I needed to be reminded of my place, that I needed to refocus myself. And because I had done so well, he had a surprise for me. I was so happy and proud, he did love me, he did care! Right? I thought so and allowed him to restrain me to the bed. I willingly trusted him...until he disappeared from the room. Moments later he returned with 2 friends in tow. They were to be my surprise. WTF? My surprise was to service his friends? When had I become just a common toy to be beaten and passed around? I told him as much and earned my second back hand. It was as if the last weeks had finally reached culmination. I demanded he release me, using my safeword for the first time in a year since it had been put in place. He spit on me and told me I apparently needed to still learn my lesson. He left the room and bid his friends do the same. Luckily, one of them knew me, knew our relationship.
He went against Master's wishes and when he was gone, released my restraints. He left me to cloth myself and I took the time to find Master's copy of our contract. I gathered the items I had and on my way out, I tore the contract in two in front of him and his friends. He tried to stop me but thankfully his friends were there. I told him it was done and revoked my submission. I was done. I had finally come to my senses and realized this was no longer D/s but had turned to abuse...I walked out and never looked back.
I don't have words or even the time to go into every sordid detail of the hell that the last 4 months of our relationship had become. I won't go into the bashing that I so want to do and that he really deserves. It isn't me. The other little tidbits will be reserved for the only one who deserves a full answer, M. But the thing is, these thoughts have plagued me the last few days for reasons only he knows. I've had to face the demons of the past and push myself past the fact that this is not the same. They are two different people, even if they happen to share similar physical appearances, even if our beginnings are uncannily parallel. I am strong enough to admit that yes, I do fear the unknown but don't we all? I am strong enough to admit that my love and devotion to M scares me. But...I think it's only natural. The one thing I come to time and time again is...it doesn't matter. I am in with him for the long haul. I know that he loves and cares about me...most importantly I know that he is nothing like the first. I've come a long way from the green submissive I was before. Every day I learn something new and grow a little more, under M...I've grown in leaps and bounds, finding a freedom I did not know existed before. He has given me the wings I've looked for. Am I delusional? Not really, He and I have had a hard road and there is still a lot out there left for us to do. But with him, if he is willing...there is not much left to fear. I've been to hell, I've seen the ugliest of the ugly so there is only one way to go...up.
Now, why did all of this come rushing back? A very wise person told me it's because my relationship with My Master is on the precipice of evolution. He's right. On March 11th He and I will take a step that we haven't until now. All pretenses will be gone, no veils left between us. I feel the pressure of fear weighing more heavily than ever before. Fear of failure, fear of disappointment, and the biggest...fear of loss. But, I wouldn't trade a second of it for the world. It's that very fear that lets me know this is where I should be, it validates the feelings I know I have for him and have tried to keep at bay. Yes, I've tried like hell to resist it and him. Why? Fear of losing. Losing what? Myself. But...if truth be told, there isn't anyone out there I'd rather lose myself in. Despite the moments of doubt and shaky road...he does own me, every piece of me. And for the first time, I'm more than ok with that...
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