My New Journal

I started this journal at the suggestion of a close friend. I've kept a journal before but always on paper, never online. But one thing I've learned with this submission...there are a lot of firsts. I had not really considered it before now because I write daily emails to my Master. But sadly, my master and I got to a point where things were not going as they should have. Life was getting in the way and taking a heavy, heavy toll on both of us and our relationship. We got away from the core values of a D/s relationship and for me...my thoughts and such began to deteriorate, it was unhealthy. Despite my daily emails, there were thoughts and doubts that began to seep in and I wasn't...correction, didn't feel comfortable or secure enough that I could voice them. Sure, I dropped things now and then in emails. But as with everything else, those were falling by the wayside as well. It came to a head one day, when I could no longer contain the things in my head and I felt the farthest away from him than I ever had with anyone before. Every thought, feeling, and most doubts just basically ejected themselves from my mouth without warning. I wouldn't suggest trying that at home kiddies, it's a hazard to one's health.

Either way, I finally said what needed to be said and in it's wake it only left both of us lost and me...well, I was just hurt. I sought out the advice of dear friend within my community who'd been there for me before. She was not my usual "advice" call, but she was trusted to be objective. She had a lot to say on the issues at hand, pointed out that both of us had been wrong and suggested I take up a journal, preferably online. My master and I are long distance for the time being...so it makes sense. But this was to be a place where I could get ideas, thoughts and feelings out without any fear of retribution. More importantly, this is to become a way for us to keep the lines of communication open and flowing to avoid a repeat of that incident.

Now granted, I am fully aware that this is not to be used to get out of punishment for something done wrong. Those issues will still be kept within the private confines of my daily emails to him. With that said, I did receive punishment for my own wrong doings to bring about the fallout. Luckily tonight was the end of that week long journey. I can honestly say I did learn my lesson there. More over, it did help to bring me back to center where my submission is concerned. Now down to the fun stuff....