Day 4

So, as many of you indicated, life does go on. Even when you feel it might not, it does. It isn't easy by any stretch of the means, but every day does get a little bit easier. Approaching day 5 and I am feeling better than I had when I wrote day 1. My appetite is slowly returning, I have successfully kept down a few meals now. They've been small and kind of light but they aren't coming back up so that is a huge plus. And last night, I actually got a total of 6 hours of sleep. That's progress I think lol.

I've had the support of some pretty amazing friends, both here online and out in the real world. I can't express my gratitude enough for that. I find emotionally I drift between emotions. One minute I am sad, another I am angry and then others I am ok...even capable of smiling and laughing. I have been thinking a lot though. Some good and some bad.

The bad? I've tried to reason things out such as there has to be someone else, it was all just lies, etc. You know, the usual things. But something I did realize was that not one bad thought involved me questioning myself or what I had done wrong. I contemplated as to why, because with every other relationship I had done that, turning it internally. It just HAD to be something I did wrong. I've tried to find where I would have gone wrong here and honestly, I can't find one. I did what I had to, was never shy about my feelings and wants for our relationship. I stood ready to sacrifice all to be by his side and at his feet. I can't give anymore than that and I fought till the end. So I really have no regrets there.

The good? I've realized that no matter what, I am going to be ok. It doesn't matter really what the ultimate reasons for the end was. I know that I am worth something fighting for. Sure, a part of me does hope that he decides that he realizes that and can't live without me. But ya know what? I feel ok saying it. Why? Because I know ultimately, if he never does...I will be ok with that too.

Last night, he and I had the first meaningful conversation since this all happened. It was a good conversation. I got to say how I feel and that was needed. He admitted he loves me and has some regrets. I was able to say I love you too without breaking down in tears. That was a shocker for me. But, ultimately I know why. I am gaining my confidence back and...I am ok with letting go if need be. I know that if it's meant to be, then it will come back. If it isn't, then he will go on to live his life and I will continue on my journey.

I'm not stupid, by any means. I know that even if he said right now that he wanted to come back, he'd have to tow the line. There would be a lot to fix because honestly, even now when he says he still loves me, I don't know that I can really trust that. He'd have to work to repair all of that and it would seriously be ON him. But then, nothing that has ever been worth it is free and frankly...I am worth fighting for. That isn't vanity, that's just know what I am worth.

So, in the end, while this may hurt like pure hell and there are moments still that I want nothing more than to run back to him...I will be ok. I know that it will be a long time before I can completely stand without missing him or feeling like the biggest part of me is missing. I know what I ultimately want in life, I've never been shy about that. If he wants the same thing too, then he will have to step up and be the man that takes it. He left, so the first call or move will have to come from him. I will say though, I don't want friendship. It is either all or nothing. But in the end, no matter what he chooses, life will go on.