Difference between Healthy Domination and Abusive Control

In TTWD, the idea of control and domination can so easily be misused and quite honestly, misunderstood. When you start off, you begin looking up information, searching out others of like mind. No matter submissive or dominant, you come across a basic understanding that the submissive gives up "control" to the Dominant. When you look at just the surface of the dynamic, we do. But, when you dig and get dirty, you come to see that is such a "vanilla" way to put it.

As a submissive or dominant, we commit to an Exchange of power, will...an equal exchange of service. The Dominant agrees to take on the leadership, guidance, correction and care of the submissive for EQUAL exchange of her agreement to follow his/her leadership, acceptance of their guidance and corrections, to look after their care as well. You cannot have one without the other. A submissive cannot submit without a Dominant willing to "dominate" nor can a Dominant be "dominant" over an un-consenting submissive. Submissives give them the Authority to Dominate.

If we go by the definition of Control, yes...we consent to them holding the power of control. The key word is we CONSENT to the exchange. What happens when you throw in things such as manipulation? Again, another term that can easily be mistaken or construed.

Manipulate:

1: to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner

2 a : to manage or utilize skillfully

   b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage

3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

On one hand, a Dominant may manipulate our bodies during a scene and such. As a submissive, we can manipulate our schedules, our clothes, etc to better serve/suit our Doms. That is where the manipulation should end. At no time is it ok to use deceitful, insidious or unfair means to get another to bend to serve your own purpose. This is where abusive control steps in. 

A "controlling" person generally has one objective in mind...their own. They tend to be very self focused and driven. They will claim to have your best interests in mind, but in reality, they generally want to bend things to suit them...despite of your wishes, desires, needs and often in worst case scenarios, your emotional and physical well being. It is seen all too often, those who have hidden under the umbrella of being a "dominant." They use literal translations of the words "domination" and "control" to hide behind in serving their own person. 

Yes, a Dominant will want things done their way. He or She will give you a task they want done, most likely including how they want it done and a time frame in which to do it. You may even initially think "God you are such a control freak! Why do I have to do it that way? What if I want to do it this way? What if I can't get it done in time because I have a house to clean, kids to look after, etc??" But, if you take a closer look and all too often, when it's done we see it. The task wasn't so much about us doing it their way, but more about our Dominant teaching us, guiding us to do something better. With a true Dominant, there is never any deceptive or insidious intentions. It is always about pushing you to be better than you believe yourself to be. Why? Because they care.

For submissives with little to no experience, seeing the difference between healthy domination and abusive control is often a challenge at best. Unfortunately, even some "seasoned" submissives may miss it at first...especially if it starts our healthy and has a slow decline. In the exchange of power, it provides a "Dominant" easy access to abuse of control. But even a submissive who has consented to TPE (Total Power Exchange), they always have at least (and often the most powerful) one choice or control left to them...The power to leave the relationship. If your Dominant is not meeting your needs anymore, they're unhappy most of the time and no amount of polite requests have resulted in any changes, leaving is the best bet. There is no point in wasting time on an unhealthy relationship that makes you feel bad and does not meet your needs.